Christian Unschooling, Part 4: That Pesky Word, "Radical"

If you’re just getting here, you might want to read 1, 2, and 3 first.

β€œThe radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out, the conservative adopts them.” ~Mark Twain

I saved this post for last for a few reasons. First, in many ways it’s the most important, because it ties everything together and is at the crux of why we do what we do. It’s also one of the hardest and most frustrating to write, and the one I’ve been losing the most sleep over.

I’ve come to a disheartening realization lately. What I said in part one about feeling like I’m alone in many ways was the truth… too Christian for the unschoolers, too unschooly for the Christians. But the fact is, in some cases that feeling is self-imposed. The unschoolers I know have, as a whole, been extremely welcoming and non-judgmental. As my unschooling circle grows, I’m just more and more thankful for its presence, and proud to be part of it.

Christian homeschoolers are, sadly, not as welcoming. I’ve read, and received, a lot of harsh words from other Christians who take issue with what I’m doing, from unschooling to discipline to television habits.

The ironic thing though, is that the harshest comments actually tend to come from a segment of other Christian unschoolers, those who are quick to denounce the term “radical”. And they don’t mess around about it. Seriously. Hell hath no fury like a don’t-call-me-radical Christian unschooler scorned.

And frankly, I’m confused. They decry secular unschoolers for being “judgmental” of some of their choices as Christians, while they talk out of the other side of their mouth about how “sinful” radical unschooling is, how “stupid”, how it’s a “contradiction to the word of God,” how those kids will grow up to be wild and rude, with no discipline, no respect, no self-control.

Um. Wait… who’s judging who?

Here’s the thing:

I call myself a radical unschooler. And the reason I call myself a radical unschooler, as opposed to a garden-variety unschooler, is that I’ve taken the freedom, the respect, and the trust that I have for my children’s education, and extended it to all other areas of our life and our relationship. That does not mean that I’m like every radical unschooler you’ve ever met or read about. That does not mean that my house, and our life, looks like that of every radical unschooler you’ve ever met or read about. It seems like this should go without saying, but I’ve read too many things lately that lead me to believe that people have one – negative – stereotype of radical unschoolers, and they like to toss everyone in together.

We’re not all the same.

I feel like I need to make that distinction, because I keep hearing broad, sweeping statements like

“Radical Unschoolers let their children make ALL the decisions”
“Radical Unschoolers let their children be rude, out of control, and show no respect for other people”
“Radical Unschoolers don’t set any boundaries”

And then, inevitably, come the scriptures… how we’re commanded to “train up” our children. How we’re to chastise and discipline, and DEMAND RESPECT. How we’re to Train. Up. Our. Children. How to do anything less would be to doom them to a life of failure and a damaged relationship with God.

:::Pausing to take a deep breath:::

I want to be really clear when I say that I’m fully aware of the responsibility I have as not just a parent, but as a Christian parent, and one who is trying to raise children in Jesus’s footsteps. And I don’t subscribe to radical unschooling philosophies in spite of it….. I do so because of it. Radical unschooling makes me think about how I’m treating my children, makes me think about what I’m modeling, makes me think about what respect means, makes me think about why I make the decisions I make as a parent… whether it’s asking my daughter to hold my hand when we cross the busy street, or telling my 6 year old that sure, he can have ice cream before dinner. Jesus had a lot to say about how to treat children. Not so much about bedtimes, time-outs, and required reading.

You’re shaking your head again. But, training! But, discipline! But teaching them to respect you!

My three year old recently became enamored with the words, “thank you.” She says thank you more than anyone I know. She was never taught to say thank you, but she has learned, because her father and I say thank to her, to her brothers, to each other. We show respect to her, to her brothers, to each other. I think there’s a big confusion here between the words “teach” and “learn.” We do not have to TEACH kids to have respect and discipline for them to LEARN to have respect and discipline. I do not TEACH my kids about the Bible, and about God and Jesus. But they LEARN because it’s a part of our life. We talk about it, we answer questions about it. We live it. We breathe it.

I “train up” my children – if that’s a phrase that works for you – by fostering our relationship. By modeling discipleship. By talking to them, by guiding them, by treating them the way I would like to be treated. By treating them the way that Jesus would treat them.

As for the radical unschooling misconceptions I listed above:

No loving, attentive parent truly lets their young children make all their own decisions. My daughter is still very young. She may decide that it’s a good idea to play in the middle of the 45 mph street (except she wouldn’t, because through modeling and guidance she has learned that it’s not safe) But if she did decide to go into that street, I would – as her parent – decide to keep her out of harm’s way. What if she decides not to comb her hair? Or decides not to eat her vegetables one night? Or decides to wear cowboy boots, polka dotted tights, and a princess nightgown to the grocery store? Does giving her autonomy in those areas put her in harm’s way? Does letting her make those decisions conflict with the word of God? Yes, our children get as many choices as we can possibly give them. And I get choices, and my husband gets choices. A true unschooling family operates as a working, breathing, give-and-take UNIT, not child-centered, and not parent-centered. My needs, my husbands needs, the kids needs: they all factor into the equation.

As to being rude, out of control, and disrespectful… we behave as well as we’re treated. And life is full of boundaries, whether we like it or not. There are externally imposed boundaries, and boundaries that we set ourselves without even realizing it. We set boundaries with our tone of voice, with the way we treat ourselves, and the way we treat others.

If a family has kids who are disrespectful, if the kids truly are making ALL the decisions, if there honestly are NO boundaries… maybe it has less to do with radical unschooling and more to do with that *individual* family’s choices.

I don’t begrudge anyone who isn’t a radical unschooler. Or who isn’t a homeschooler at all. That’s all part of the freedom I spoke about it in Part Two. We are free to raise our children, and educate our children, in the way we are individually led. For me, I am led to be a radical unschooler… to give my children choices and autonomy. To operate as their parent, their partner, their facilitator, and their friend. To support them and guide them as they grow and learn and follow their own paths, not mine. As a Christian, I fully believe that their path is laid out for them by someone who knows FAR better than I. I believe in that, and I trust in it. Radical? You bet. Unscriptural? Not at all.

And finally, I feel I’d be remiss if I didn’t point something out. If you’re reading this, and you’re a Christian who bristles at my using the word, “radical”, think about this: If you’re going to be more than a follow-the-rules, Sunday morning Christian; if you’re going to get out of your comfort zone; if you’re going to “walk the walk” and truly ask yourself what Jesus would do in all situations…. you’re gonna have to get radical.

Jesus was radical. The Bible is RADICAL.

Being a believer should be radical.

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14 Comments

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14 Responses to Christian Unschooling, Part 4: That Pesky Word, "Radical"

  1. I really appreciate your clarification on what “radical” means to you. I have met radical unschoolers whose children were disrespectful and rude to others. But in thinking about their mothers’ behaviors that I was able to observe, these moms did not appear happy nor were they engaged with the children. While my exposure to them was limited, I had the impression that these were not families where they interacted and loved on each other. What you are talking about is so much more than most of us ever dreamed. You are talking about intimacy, being fully present, having joy and agape love pervade the home. You are absolutely right when you say that children learn without being taught. I hear my own voice coming out of my daughter’s mouth all the time and it doesn’t sound nice (evidence of how much I still need to grow! LOL). Thank you for writing this.

  2. Jen, LOVE this series on Christian unschooling, and your differentiation of “teach” vs “learn” is spot-on. “Better caught than taught” is a phrase I remember from somewhere, referring to how children learn best. Your children are a living testament to the success of your radical unschooling, parenting, and Christianity. Kudos!

  3. Amy

    I LOVED reading this series. Thank you for writing it! I have been drawn to unschooling myself in a strange way – I’ve embraced the parenting side -the unconditional parenting philosophy – first. I’m still working on letting go of the control over their education and trusting them to lead the way. I’m getting there slowly. πŸ™‚
    I am a Christian also, and find fitting in to the homesschooling groups a little challenging at times too.
    I’m happy to have found a like minded mom here. πŸ™‚

    • jen

      Amy, I love that you’ve embraced the mindful parenting philosophy first…. I think that it’s always best if it starts there, rather than the other way around. So glad you found my blog, and I hope you stick around. πŸ™‚

  4. Ashleigh

    Hi Jen,

    I was led to your blog when one of my FB friends re-posted your post on “Happy Holidays” and haven’t been able to stop sifting through everything you’ve written since.

    I am pregnant with my first child (a girl) due in April and am so drawn to the idea of “mindful parenting;” a feeling I’ve been able to assign a name since discovering your blog.

    I’m writing because I was wondering if you can recommend any resources (books, other blogs, websites, etc.) that specifically address ways to mindfully parent children from infancy?

    Thanks so much for sharing all of your insights! Had it not been for your blog I’m not sure I would’ve ever started down this path.

    • jen

      Hi Ashleigh,

      So glad you found my blog, and that you are enjoying it. πŸ™‚ Congratulations on your upcoming little girl!! I am working on doing a little bit of redesigning of my blog to make things easier to find, but in the meantime, definitely look through the posts with the “parenting” or “gentle” or “mindful” parenting labels if you haven’t already, because I’ve written many.

      As for resources, I like Dr Sears. His book, The Baby Book was the first parenting book that actually resonated with me. Also, Alfie Kohn (especially Unconditional Parenting), Naomi Aldort, Adele Faber, and Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel Siegel. Oh also, a book called Parenting a Free Child by Rue Kream is wonderful. There are a handful of parenting websites that I like on my links page https://www.jennifermcgrail.com/links/ but that too is a work in progress.

      Let me know if you have any questions/need support as you go! =)

  5. Sarah

    woot, woot, yehaw, clap clap ..OK thats enough,lol, but I just dont know what else to say. way to go sister, way to go. I am a Christian . I am also a life learner. I dont know if I am radical or not because quite frankly all these boxes make me dizzy. I treat my kids with respect , and they treat me the same. I do have expectations for them, as they have for me. We sort of just go through our days loving on each other , accepting each other and learning what there is to learn in this amazing world that God has given us to “play” in. I model the role of a wife, keeper of the home and mama for my daughters, and my hubby models the role of Father , bread winner and support system. We acknowledge our roles as the bible lays them out, but with respect and reverence. We live by the word of God and with that we live with a trust , a love, a FAITH that everything will be provided. I thank you for your words.

    • jen

      Thanks for the words of encouragement, Sarah. I love the way you’ve described your life here, and I completely strive to do the same things. πŸ™‚

  6. Pam in Colorado

    I am loving your blog!!Β  I am a Christ following, new to understanding and embracing radical unschooling Momma.Β  We have been homeschooling for over 13 years, and I so wish I had been further down this path years ago.Β  My oldest three got some of how we live now, and my youngest two are getting the fullness of it.Β Β 

    I love how you can eloquently express the beauty and true-ness of how radical unschooling and Christianity are a natural blend.Β  I guess I didn’t know that so many believe it can not be so.Β Β  Grateful that you are here beautifully bursting that fallacy bubble.

  7. JC

    Hello. I just happened upon your blog because I recently became aware of unschooling through a new friend of mine at church. I learned that they are raising their daughter this way and through out the term; I googled it and here I am. I just want to say that I really enjoyed reading your “defense” (for lack of a better word) of unschooling, which is strange for at least 3 reasons. 1: I am a man, and it seems most the people commenting and reading are women. 2: After reading this I would describe myself as a radical schooler. 3: I don’t see my wife or I adopting this type of parenting with our kids. there are several things that really resonate with me. Your feelings about freedom and it’s biblical foundation (indeed, this is where the human heart thrives). Your thoughts on children and their value, especially the call for mutual love and respect between parent and child. Raising children in an environment that puts relationship above rules. The idea that life lessons are “caught not “taught” if you don’t mind the cliche. The parenting that makes me cringe is the kind that demands the child to “Do as I say and not as I do”. Truly horrifying. I hear this form Christians a lot. And the idea that a parent should be free to parent their children as they feel led. As christian parents who have chosen to send out kids to public school we have got the same treatment from parent who believe this is going to destroy them. but we’re not afraid. Our type of parenting could be considered sensitive parenting. We have rules and boundaries and we agree to them as a family. We sit down and decide what type of home we want and all agree as members of this family to keep it that way. We value and respect our children as individuals. We have created an environment that creates a love for learning. Our kids love to learn! (all under the age of 8 by the way). They are excelling at school socially and academically. We believe in modeling what we teach. I’ve always taught my kids that god gave them a brain and he wants to use it. I’ve also modeled that through continuing to learn myself. As a result learning has become part of our environment our culture. Same with cleanliness or respect for others etc. I agree with the principles you have laid out. Even though it lead us to parent differently we are being lead by the same vision. the same beliefs. And it will work. for both of us. I have seen christian parents who have “schooled” their children and raised them in very traditional christian ways. Structured, rigid, disciplined,and produced children that hurting and confused and….lost when they become adults. I have also seen parents who were so “holy” that they were not going to send their kids to school so they “home schooled” them which turned into not schooling them. These kids grew into teenagers that couldn’t read, write, make good decisions, take care of them selves etc. and all of three of them ended up single moms by 18 with completely broken lives hating their parents and God as a result. I’m sorry that you have received harsh treatment form other Christians. My new friends and I have chosen different paths but we respect each others choice. What I like is that they love their children and are intentional about how they are raising them. Thanks for the blog. I’ve taken some great things away from it and I would love to hear thoughts on, well, my thoughts. I don’t have time to proof read this so please forgive me of all grammatical errors. And yes, if you don’t like radical than you probably don’t really like Jesus! Cheers!

  8. Lorna

    Thank you for this! I feel that we are being led as a family to unschool our kids. Life is all about learning and I’m tired of watching my 7 year old get bored and tell me she hates school. You are so right about Jesus’ teachings and attitudes about children and about how Christianity should be radical. Thank you for putting into words how I have been feeling. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one out there who feels this way.

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