(photo by trixer)
Yesterday, I read about another teenage suicide… a gay 14-year-old student named Jamey Rodemeyer who was bullied and tormented so relentlessly with homophobia and hate that he felt that taking his life was his only option.
I want the parents of this child, and others who have tragically taken their lives under these circumstances, to know that you have my deepest and sincerest sympathies. My heart breaks for anyone who endures the pain of that kind of loss.
I want the parents of other bullied children to know that this is real. This is serious. Never stop fighting for your child, and never stop thinking that you have more options to keep him safe.
I want the children who are victims of bullying to know that they are loved. I want them to know that there are people who care; people who would give their life for their happiness. I want them to know that they ARE NOT defined by the hateful words and actions of their tormenters.
And to the ones doing the bullying:
I don’t believe you are evil. I don’t believe you really want this other child to die. I know that you are scared, and insecure, and in pain yourself, and that the only way you know to make yourself feel better is to try to inflict pain on someone else. It doesn’t work. So you do it again and again and again, hoping that eventually your heart will match your carefully cultivated exterior. That you’ll feel strong. That you’ll feel tough. That you’ll feel superior. And hey, in that moment, maybe you will. But it’s a lie, and it won’t last.
There’s a scene in the movie The Breakfast Club, where Emilio Estevez’s character – a popular ‘jock’ – is talking about the offense that landed him in detention. He’d bullied and physically assaulted another student in the locker room. It was supposed to be a “comical” assault, and at first the description was played for laughs. But as he talked about the incident, and his reasons for it, his own hurt and guilt began to surface. He talked with regret about the kid’s humiliation. He talked about how his parents must have felt when they heard. He talked about remorse. Now, because it’s a movie (and a John Hughes movie at that) it was all neatly tied up by the end. He’d seen the error of his ways, had a new found love in the girl who ate Captain Crunch and Swizzle Stick sandwiches, and went about his day, never to bully again. Life’s not a movie. I get that. But there’s a fundamental truth in this story.
You might not be racked with contrition immediately, but eventually you will. And that sincere feeling of remorse is more gut-wrenching than anything you could ever inflict on someone else.
And here’s what The Breakfast Club doesn’t tell you:
It doesn’t tell you that when you are grown and have children of your own, that seeing your own children hurt in any way will be a bigger pain than any you’ve ever experienced. That you’ll see your children hurt and would do anything to take away that pain. That you’ll see your children hurt and you’ll realize, either little by little or all at once, that that child you bullied in grade school was somebody’s kid too. And you’ll feel sick about it.
It doesn’t tell you that one day you’ll be 37, and while you’ll still remember having been bullied at 13, what you’ll REALLY remember, what you’ll still feel as an indelible scar on your soul are those times when you were the bully. Those times when you went along with your friends even though you felt bad about it. Those times when you could have stood up for what was right and you didn’t. You’ll still see the face of the sweet sweet kid from 24 years ago. A kid who didn’t deserve to be treated unkindly, whose only crime was not being part of the “cool” crowd. You’ll see his face and you’ll think of your own son, or your own daughter, and you will feel a shame that will take your breath away.
There are no do-overs when it comes to bullying. You can’t take back those words, and you can’t take back those actions. In the case of Jamey Rodemeyer, and others like him, you can’t take back that life.
But you can stop bullying. Today. Right now. If you can’t yet do it for the people around you, do it for yourself….. your present self and your future self.
My mother-in-law recounts a story to me over and over about her oldest daughter. Her name was Karin and she became gravely ill from a drug the doctors gave her to fight an ear infection. The treatments included steriods that changed her physically. Her hair turned red and kinky, she got acne and some facial hair. Her body prematurely developed. Thus the teasing began. She would hide her face the entire bus ride to school. She would come home and cry to her mom. After 5 years of treatments it progressed to leukemia. She lost her battle and died at age nine.
Twenty-five years after she died, my mother-in-law received a phone call. There was a woman on the other end who identified herself. My MIL immediately remembered her and the emotional torture Karin endured at her hands. The woman then said, “I recently gave birth to a little girl and love her so much.” My mother-in-law was very nice and congratulated her. Then the woman said, “Looking at my beautiful daughter, I had to call and say how truly sorry I am for how I must have made YOUR daughter feel by my cruel words. Please forgive me.”
Your post on this blog is so true.
Oh my gosh. Tears. Thank you for sharing that story!! I am so sorry to hear about what Karin went through, and I can’t imagine the amount of courage it took that woman to call your mother in law after all those years to apologize and ask for forgiveness. Very powerful story.
Jen, there was a boy in Canada. 11 years old and had MS. He killed himself rather than having to face his accuser in court. 🙁
http://www.torontosun.com/2011/09/22/boy-bullied-to-death-dad-says?utm_source=addThis&utm_medium=addthis_button_facebook&utm_campaign=Boy+bullied+to+death%2C+dad+says+%7C+Toronto+%26+GTA+%7C+News+%7C+Toronto+Sun#.TnyVCAyyh0s.facebook
I mean the accused
Oh Amy 🙁 I just read the story. How heartbreaking.
Thank you Jen! You brought tears to my eye!! I hope this will help at least one parent, child or anyone reading it.
Thanks Melissa… I hope so too!
Hurt people hurt people. This vicious cycle continues as parents and other adults bully children and then the children bully other children. The cycle stops when adults treat children kindly and with love. The cycle stops when we support others without blame, shame and punishment.
Thank you for this very important post.
Beautifully said, thank you!!!