A little more than two weeks ago, I announced my inspired plan to institute a little bit of a schedule. In this daily schedule (or rhythm or whatever you’d like to call it) was an entire block of time devoted to blogging, writing, and “me time” in general. It was a brilliant plan, and it was going to be great.
Yeah. Not so much.
And I could say I’m disappointed, and I could express some frustration, except … this is clearly the way it’s supposed to be right now, it really is: Spending my days’ energy on the kids and their needs and their pursuits (and enjoying it), and stealing my moments to shower go to the bathroom rest blog or write or pursue some other passion whenever I can get them. I know as well as anyone that they are only young once, and that this time in their life goes so quickly. So, so quickly!! And that right now, my own personal pursuits can wait, or be attended to bit by bit. Theirs cannot, or should not. And it’s not about putting myself last, or giving something up, but about putting my family FIRST.
There is such a huge societal push to get away from your kids. You need “me” time. You need “girl” time. You need “couple” time. Sign them up for classes, sign *yourself* up for classes, get them out of the house. Get a sitter, get a sitter, get a sitter. And I’m not saying that any of those things are bad in and of themselves… it’s just that my heart tells me there’s another way. It doesn’t have to be “me” time or “kid” time. It doesn’t have to mean, as has been insinuated to me by others, that my life is too kid-centric. As far as I’m concerned, right now is US time. Me and the kids and the husband. Our family should be the priority… not me, not him, not the kids, but the family. If, within that framework of family, something feels off-balance, then we deal with it. But right now, while the kids are young, spending time with them comes first.
In our family (there’s my disclaimer – our family), that has meant not leaving them with sitters. It has meant being creative about “couple” time and enjoying our literally once a year movie date. It has meant spending vacations and weekends and days off as a family. It has meant not leaving them even with relatives before they were ready, and yes, it has meant willingly postponing – oftentimes again and again – my own pursuits if it meant too much time away from them. It’s not yet the time for me to spend the hours needed in a studio to get certified to teach yoga. It’s not yet the time for me to spend the hours of study needed to take the personal trainer exam. It’s not yet the time for me to spend the hours at the computer needed to turn my writing from a hobby into a career.
I have never, ever heard somebody get to the end of their life and say, “You know what? I wish I hadn’t spent so much time with my kids.” But I’ve heard the opposite far too many times, and I don’t want to be that person.
And it doesn’t mean that I won’t take time for myself, or time for my husband, or for writing or for blogging or for anything else that comes down the pike and strikes my fancy. It just means that right now, in this season, I need to spend more time being fully present for this:
And this:
And this:
And perhaps having a little less time to write about it.
And that’s okay.
I have found this to be true in my life too. I want to write. I want to blog. I want, I want, i want. I have so many things I WANT to do, but my time now is with my family, and with my husband. (we do once a month date nights) I even applied for several jobs, thinking I could help family finances, but that was a no too. I am right where and with who I am supposed to be at this moment in time.
Bless you for being a wonderful inspiration, mother, wife, friend, blogger, etc, etc.
Thanks, Amy. 🙂 On the job thing, I have gone through many periods where I have thought about getting a part time job, and like you applying…. but every time I was given a resounding “no” in one way or another. This is clearly where I’m meant to be right now!!
Love this! I have always had a problem thinking about what else I SHOULD be doing instead of fully living in the moment. My kids are only little once so if we have less money for me to get to spend this time with them then so be it!
Oh yes, living in the moment is HARD sometimes, but so worth it!
I couldn’t agree with you more. All I read about in parenting magazines while I was pregnant was making sure I had some “me” time. Forget what the baby needs or wants and do something for yourself. It always felt wrong to me and I never did it. Some people think I am crazy that all the “me” time I take is getting my hair cut or going to the grocery store after the kids go to bed.
Our “date nights” consist of talking about dinosaurs with our 3 year old son while our 1 year old daughter runs around and jumps on us. I see our anniversary as the start of our family, so our anniversary is celebrated with a family event and dinner together. And we wouldn’t have it any other way!
But I still get to do the things I want to do, I have become very creative with having the kids “help” me with my hobbies. If I want to sew something I just have my son watch and I explain everything I am doing and answer his questions. I let him do some things that don’t involve scissors or pins and he is very happy and wants to sew all the time!
I will have no regrets and I will never say that I didn’t spend enough time with my kids!
Love this, Molly. Thank you for sharing! And I can so relate to everything you’ve said here, especially the part about celebrating anniversaries as a family! And your “me time” of haircuts and grocery shopping is more time than I get. 😉 But it’s absolutely worth it to get to spend the time with my kids.
I’m glad I found this post today. Like so many things you write, I completely agree. I have tried explaining this to friends and no one gets it. But you do. Thanks for the reassurance that others out there believe in US time.
(p.s. — I had been subscribed through my google reader and hadn’t had an update since sept. 16 so I clicked over here to see if something was going on that I wasn’t aware of and saw the whole thing looks different and you had posted several times since! So, I just re-subscribed, but I don’t know if this blog change affected others or not and wanted to let you know. I like the new look by the way.)
Thanks, Bree 🙂 Is your Google Reader working correctly now since you’ve resubscribed? I’ve heard from several people who had the same problem after I switched servers, but I don’t really know what to do to fix it… other than telling them to try resubscribing. :-/
I know exactly what you are going through and understand what a tug of war society tries to instill in us… make time for *you* but make sure that you also make time for your friends, your husband, your job, etc… it seems that more and more the kids are being pawned off on whomever will take them for the lowest rate. For us that is just not right.
We don’t have any family and just don’t understand how come people are so set on going about their lives as if they don’t have children with needs of their own. We go to fancy restaurants with the kids, movies with them, vacations… everywhere- and we love it!
At the same time I do get a little frustrated when I have a project that needs my attention or have a goal I wanted to get done and can’t because the kids need me for one thing or another. I guess though that it is only for such a short time that they do need me, so I need to put my own agenda on the back burner, even if that means using the bathroom while nursing a baby, lol!
“We go to fancy restaurants with the kids, movies with them, vacations… everywhere- and we love it!” Couldn’t agree more! And lol @nursing a baby while going to the bathroom. Something only another attached mother could understand. 🙂 This period of time really does go so very fast…. My baby is 14 already
I have to say, as my oldest is nearly 18 and getting ready to live her life on her own… I am not ready to be away from her. Through forces not in my control I had to go back to work when she was young, and then again when the next two were young. I miss being with them and seeing them, and I know, without a doubt, that this time at home with them is so short.
Soon all of my babies will be gone and it will be time for me to pursue my dreams. Right now I am balancing too much and I feel the loss of time with them. I enjoy every moment I do get with them and I am grateful for the years I had to stay home with them.
Before you know it they will be old enough to be on their own, but they will always need their mommy 😉
Yes they will, and you are a GREAT mom for doing all that you do!!