Monthly Archives: December 2011
2011 Year in Review
What a year this has been for The Path Less Taken!
At the beginning of the year, I brought my blog to Facebook, and began sharing it in a whole new way. It’s been scary and overwhelming, and ultimately really, really exciting. I moved my blog to Word Press this year too (which is why many of the posts from earlier in the year are missing comments) It was a hugely positive move for me, and one that will allow me to continue to grow and improve my blog in more ways than before.
This year marked the first time I had a post reach into the tens of thousands of views. That post about not sweating the small stuff was the one that led a lot of people to my blog for the first time, and to this day is the one that garnered both the nicest and the meanest comments I have ever received. Ironically, it was not one of my favorite posts, but its message is one that I hold near and dear, and it very much set the theme for the entire year. This year, it was all about finding peace and calm and joy in the moment, no matter what that moment may be.
I wrote about making peace with the mess, and about the importance of just sitting.
I tackled some un/homeschooling misconceptions. I explained to the world why my kids would never be socialized, why we choose to stay plugged in, and whether or not my kids just eat junk food all day. I was also led to write an entire 4-part series on Christian Unschooling, which was reprinted in its entirety in Home Educator’s Family Times.
In Protecting Natalie, I began what would become a year-long challenge for kinder parenting.
I asked what it was that you were passionate about, what it was you were proud of when it came to your kids, and whether or not you were living your life as a race.
I shared many a story, like this one, and this one, of the delightful unexpectedness of living with a three year old. And a seven year old, too.
I realized I was officially old this year, and that I did not, as I’d previously believed, know it all.
I continued to write about gentle parenting, including spanking, why I don’t ‘pick my battles’, why I believe kids are communicating with you, not manipulating you, and 52 ways to have a time-in.
And finally, last month I shared my thoughts on the phrase, Happy Holidays, and what it really means to take Christ out of Christmas. It was read and shared and passed along, and quickly became my most-viewed post of all time. It was a lovely high note on which to end the year, and I am awed and honored at the response it generated.
Thank you ALL for such an awesome year, and I can’t wait to see what 2012 brings!
Filed under Uncategorized
Unconditional Love
Christmas is less than a week away.
I’m not dreaming of sugar plums, but I am dreaming of Oreo balls, black and white cookies, and seeing the magic in my kids’ eyes. I’m thinking of family, and friends, and all the mushy love stuff I tend to avoid the rest of the 364 days of the year. Christmas is about love, whether you celebrate the birth of Christ, or simply observe it as a day of fun, food and fellowship with those you hold near and dear.
I’ve been thinking about the concept of love ever since I read this article about a week ago. These are parents that not only truly unconditionally love their children, but also support them and fight for them. Parents who will do whatever they can to ensure that their children are happy, fully living the lives they were individually created to live.
That’s the way I want to love.
I think a lot of (most?) parents will tell you that they believe in unconditional love, but in practice it’s often easier said than done. I’ve never liked those sayings that advocate things like telling your child you love him, but dislike his behavior. Or that say we should “hate the sin but love the sinner.” Why? For one thing, that line of thinking makes it far too easy to slide into the conditionality we wanted to avoid in the first place. Perhaps more important is the fact that our actions speak the truth of our love far more loudly than our words. Our words may be saying, “I love you unconditionally,” but our actions may be saying, “I love you when you behave the way I want you to behave. I love you when you make the decisions I want you to make. I love you when you’re the person I want you to be.” It can be very difficult for a child to differentiate.
And you know what, it can be hard for an adult too.
Five months ago I pierced my nose. It was something I’d been wanting to do for a long time, so I was very excited to have finally gone through with it. I was not, however, excited to tell my parents. I knew how they felt about facial piercings and I knew what their reaction would be. (Yes, I’m about to be 38 years old, and I still think about and want that acceptance from my parents) The moment was brief, but negative as expected. Now, did I know intellectually that they still loved me? Of course. But did I feel unconditionally loved by their response? Not at all. And if it felt that way over something as silly and inconsequential as a little piece of jewelry in my nose, how much more devastating it would be to a child dealing with something as huge and life changing as the girl in the article? To someone dealing with an issue of gender? Or sexuality? Or any number of the other “big stuff” that we wrestle with in life, the things that make us want to find just one person to understand.
One person to accept us.
One person to support us.
One person to hold us and tell us sincerely not that they “love us even though…” but that they just. plain. love. us.
I want to be that person for my kids.
Filed under acceptance, love, mindful parenting
A Recipe for Disaster?
Today’s guest post was written by my good friend, Amy. I think it’s important to note that I did not twist her arm to write it (in fact she took it upon herself without my knowledge. She’s sneaky like that) But she did have to twist my arm to get me to post it. Not because it wasn’t lovely and well-written, but because it’s a very odd and somewhat uncomfortable feeling to post something like that about yourself and kids, written by someone else. I resisted, and she said “Jen, you have to post it.” So I am.
Here it is; her response to those who are sure I’m raising future criminals.
No spanking, no time-outs, no parent induced bedtimes, no formal schooling…….recipe for disaster, right?
Attachment parenting, gentle parenting, radical unschooling are all catch phrases currently moving into mainstream society. My friend and owner of this blog, Jennifer McGrail, is an advocate for all of it. This is how her children are raised and let me tell you about these soon to be criminals, drunks, and wife beaters………….. She is praised by many and criticized by few. This is written for the few, from the perspective of a family friend who can’t say she, herself, has always practiced the above parenting philosophies but has observed the behavior of the four McGrail children extensively.
Let’s start with criminal #3, age seven. My son belongs to the same Boy Scout group with #3. At one of the meetings a uniform inspection is on the schedule. There are about 10 boys and the leader warns parents in an e-mail beforehand that he will try to be quick because he knows how hard it can be for the boys to stand still and wait while others are being inspected. The inspections are done in an orderly fashion. Like the leader indicated it was hard for most of the boys to wait patiently, quietly and calm. Nothing abnormal about that, right? They are all young, active boys. Here is the abnormal part: The winner is #3 and here is why he is the winner. Judging the uniforms alone created many ties, so they decided to look at behavior in line to come up with a winner. Guess who won the uniform inspection? #3, because he stood still with arms to his side, without talking and messing around all with his best friend standing right beside him. He didn’t do this because his parents threatened him or prepared him for this. HE JUST DID IT! Because he has self inflicted ideas about how he wants to present himself. Because he is allowed to grow without criticism, coercion, and with trust that he will make good decisions with unconditional love waiting when he doesn’t. That was just one situation, right, so now I’ll tell you the other stories. The ones where because he has never had a time-out, or been told what he must eat and at what time or when to go to bed, or spanked, must mean he is a crazy kid running around with no idea how to behave and headed to jail at an early age. Sorry, but I don’t have any of those. #3 is just a typical 7 year old boy that tends to know how to control his own behavior.
Seven Year Old
Moving on to #2, age 11. He, all on his own, manages a server for an online game that other children play. Just like life this game has gotten messy because children, like adults, don’t understand each other, get over emotional and react without thinking. One such situation happened and it destroyed most of the server. All the hard work that had been done was gone. #2 was MAD, steaming mad!!! He retaliated by writing about it on a forum that would be seen by many. He was asked by his mother, “Do you feel better?” “YES!” he said. She left him with his yes, and didn’t say another word. I’m not sure I could have done this. I probably would have had to explain how this wouldn’t help the matter and being the bigger person can make you feel better and on and on, but she didn’t do that. Guess what, not very long after posting what would have probably made matters worse – and yes he had a right to be mad because someone destroyed his server – he deleted the comments and decided he was going to rebuild the destroyed server. On top of that, he even built a special house on the server for the very person who had done the destroying. This 11 year old did what most adults can’t do. HE JUST DID IT!
11 Year Old
#1 is age 14. Oh no, a teenager! I certainly can’t have anything to say about this guy. If he has been raised without rules and grounding he is surely out there with one foot in jail already. Actually, this 14 year old enjoys talking to and discussing life with this 41 year old. He is comfortable talking to me and his mom. He doesn’t mind hanging with us and gets our opinion about friends, life and girls. I don’t have teens yet, but I remember the teen years being hard. #1 teaches that it doesn’t have to be SO DARN HARD. Every single time I am around him, and that tends to be several times a week, he says, “I love being me!” Seriously, how many people, let alone a teen, loves being them? As adults we read books, go to counseling, and attend workshops to learn how to love ourselves. This 14 year old just does. What a head start he has on life. His joy for life radiates to others as well. My daughter has quoted him several times with lessons she has learned from this 14 year old boy. She is loving herself because of him. I’m pretty sure he is never going to beat his wife. A person who loves himself doesn’t beat others.
14 Year Old
Now to #4, age 3. She is a typical 3 year old. She gets tired, throws tantrums, annoys her brothers, shares, doesn’t share, hugs, kisses, calls names…… but no worries. She has five role models that love her unconditionally. I look in those big, brown eyes and I see pure love, not a criminal.
The Girl
These 4 children are all typical children in many ways. And yes, there are many typical children out there doing extraordinary things just like these children. But raising children without rules, time-outs, spankings, grounding, etc. does not produce criminals, alcoholics, wife beaters…………
I realize this isn’t really written to convince those criticizers that this type of parenting is the right way. Their minds are made up. This is written to those parents that were like me 11 years ago. I was looking for a different way to parent from the mainstream spanking, time-out, and grounding type of parenting. In many ways I did parent in a different way and took criticism, but if I had read an article like this one or known Jennifer McGrail eleven years ago, I would have had the support to know my instincts were right for me and my children. We are a better family for knowing the McGrail family.
Amy Travis is a former teacher, and an unschooling mom. When she isn’t writing blog posts for other people, she enjoys throwing parties, making cake balls, and forcing encouraging this introvert to get out and be social every once in awhile.
The Muppets
Day 11: Go to the Movies
A couple shows I remember from my early childhood: The Dukes of Hazzard, Hee Haw, and The Muppets.
At Christmas time, the only acceptable album was John Denver and the Muppets. To this day, I cannot hear 12 Days of Christmas without hearing all the muppets’ voices, or that little “ba dum bum bum” after Day Five… or hear We Wish You a Merry Christmas without remembering Miss Piggy having her funny little exchange about figgy pudding (“PIGGY PUDDING??!!” “No,no. Figgy pudding. It’s made with figs.” “Oh.”) Good times. I remember Muppets books, Muppets songs, and Muppets View Master cartridges.
Yes, the Muppets made for fine happy memories indeed. So when we were choosing a movie to watch as a family yesterday (which is a big deal for us, because we only go a couple times a year), while I was all calm and cool saying, “I’ve heard people are liking The Muppets,” what I was really saying inside was “Please oh please take me to see The Muppets!!”
We did end up choosing The Muppets, though husband was less than enthused, and Spencer (14) asked if he could stay home. But after we were there, after we got our requisite popcorn, Junior Mints, Hot Tamales, and $1 soda refills in our 2011 loyalty cups, we all thoroughly enjoyed the movie. There was a little bit of eye-rolling from someone who shall remain nameless (Mike) when Jason Segel broke into his first song and dance number, but he was laughing with the best of us by the end. Even Spencer was head-bobbing away, despite himself. I could not. stop. smiling. this entire movie. Silly, heartwarming, nostalgic, and definitely not afraid of poking fun at itself. It made me giddy.
So there you go. If you need a movie for your kids – or yourself – especially if you have fond memories of Kermit and Mis Piggy… and you remember Animal and the “me me” guy… and Fozzi… and “ma num a num”… and if you get excited when you hear, “The most sensational, inspirational, celebrational…” or if you’ve always wondered why are there so many songs about rainbows.
Go see it.
Christmas, presents, and why I want to be like Carrie Bradshaw
I’ve never been very good at fitting in with one group. Never has this been more clear to me than it has been since the advent of Facebook, where I can SEE right there in black and white just how very different my friends are.
I have friends who are Christians, friends who are Atheists, and every other religious flavor in between. I have friends who are unschoolers, and friends who are strong supporters of the public school system. I have friends who are extremely liberal, and friends who are very conservative. Friends who… well, you get the idea. A lot of different opinions.
And I learn from, and appreciate, each and every one of them.
One of the things that I love most about blogging is that (provided that you’re doing something at least a little bit right) it really does become a community … one in which people can come and gather just as they are, differences and all. And I don’t know about you, but I’ve been needing that. Because the amount of division I’ve been seeing lately is making me crazy. Christmas season – which most people would agree should be a time of family, fellowship, and goodwill – seems to bring out an odd side of a lot of different folks.
It’s like December 1st hits, and it’s time to Deck the Halls! Time to shop! Time to be merry! Time to …. squabble like little children. I don’t think I ever see people sweating the small stuff quite as much as I do at Christmas time.
In one corner is the “It’s MERRY CHRISTMAS, not Happy Holidays” crowd, which has grown tenfold since I posted about it.
In another is the “Christmas is too commercialized/secular/greedy/materialistic/just plain wrong these days” group.
There are those who let themselves get swept away into the “Christmas is just so STRESSFUL” train.
Some decide to do away with the tree and the presents and the lights altogether, in order to focus on other things.
Then there are the people who take personal offense to any or all of the above, and/or people who let themselves feel guilty because they shopped at Walmart, didn’t hand make their gifts, and didn’t use eco-friendly recycled freshwater stream Martha Stewart biodegradable toilet paper gift wrap.
My head hurts.
I want to say as sort of a general, blanket statement that you are the one creating your Christmas experience. It doesn’t have to be stressful. It doesn’t have to be commercialized. It doesn’t have to be materialistic. And for that matter, it doesn’t have to be homemade either. Decorate, don’t decorate. Give gifts, don’t give gifts. It’s all the same to me. But please don’t think it has to be either/or. When I recently asked on my Facebook page if you thought there was something wrong with gift giving at Christmas, one thing I saw come up again and again was that Christmas should be about giving to others, not about getting lots of stuff. And absolutely, I agree! But why should giving to someone outside your own family hold precedence over giving amongst yourselves? Why not do both? Why would there ever be something wrong with giving a heartfelt gift to a spouse or a child or a parent, whether it’s Christmas, or a birthday, or a Tuesday? And yes, almost everything most much of what we give are not needs, but wants. We live in a ridiculously abundant world, to be sure. If you’re reading this right now, it means you have internet, or a smart phone, or access to a public library… all of which are far, FAR more than many, many people around the world are privileged enough to have. But is it wrong to have them?
A couple of months ago I got a new phone that does amazing things. It’s like a robot. I don’t need it, but I’m happy and thankful that I have it. Is it more important than God or my health or my kids or my relationships or giving to others? Of course not. It’s a luxury. And the few presents we’ve gotten our kids for Christmas are luxuries too… luxuries that I’m happy and excited and thankful to be able to give them. Giving them doesn’t mean we don’t give to those outside the family though. It doesn’t mean it’s the most important part of our celebration. It doesn’t mean we don’t remember the true meaning of Christmas, and it doesn’t mean we’re greedy and materialistic (two other words I’ve recently seen a lot of). To me, greed and materialism mean putting ‘things’ ahead of people. And if you’re giving with the spirit of… well, giving… isn’t that the opposite of greed and materialism? It shouldn’t matter then if the gift is a gift of time, or a picture, or a good deed, or a homemade bauble, or yes, even a mass produced something or other from a big bad department store. If the giver is giving sincerely, in love, shouldn’t the old adage, “it’s the thought that counts,” still ring true, no matter how little OR how much something does or doesn’t cost?
I was watching the movie “Sex in the City” yesterday, and there was a scene about halfway through that completely (and surprisingly) made me all leaky-eyed. Jennifer Hudson’s character gives a small gift to Carrie, and Carrie graciously accepts it before going into her room and returning with a gift of her own, something extravagant that she knew she would really love. Just watch.
That to me is what gift giving should be about, whether it’s done on Christmas or any other of the 364 days of the year. Two people sharing a moment with each other. Two people GIVING to each other, with their whole hearts. It didn’t matter that one gift was a $14.99 DVD and one was a however much those fancy name-brand bags cost. They were both given, and accepted, with genuine warmth and happiness. That’s what I want from my gift-giving… whether I’m giving a plate of cupcakes or a pressure cooker or a Louis Vuitton handbag.
Finally, as I was deciding how to end this post, I saw the following quote on Facebook that summed up the spirit of giving more than I ever could:
Christmas gift suggestions: To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance. To a friend, your heart. To a customer, service. To all, charity. To every child, a good example. To yourself, respect. ~Oren Arnold.
Words to live by, for sure. And we can’t give any of the above if we’re wasting time and energy worrying about Christmas particulars that at the end of the day just shouldn’t matter.
Filed under Christmas, holidays, life, not sweating the small stuff, perspective
To the old man at the store
Note: This letter is hypothetical. The incident it describes is not. This happened two days ago.
Dear Sad Old Man at the Grocery Store,
You don’t know me, but we both shopped at the same grocery store the other night. I’m sure you didn’t notice me, as your attention was clearly elsewhere, but I couldn’t help but notice you. It’s difficult not to notice someone who’s so being so unhappy and hateful… but I guess I should go back to the beginning.
I was sort of unhappy myself that night, grumbling to myself about rising prices and lack of selection. It wasn’t my normal grocery store, the trip was taking twice as long as it should have, and I was tired and just wanted to go home. I was searching for the organic half and half when I first noticed the young couple next to me. They were holding hands and laughing over what I can only assume was the kind of inside joke that only couples share. They were sweet and affectionate with each other, and very clearly in love. They reminded me of my husband and I’s early days together, the days we like to joke that were “back when we loved each other.” They made me smile.
The fact that they were a gay couple was irrelevant.
I was right behind them, pushing my overfilled cart with the wobbly wheel as we left the dairy section. We rounded the corner of the aisle to head to the registers, and that’s when I saw you coming towards us. You didn’t look at me, didn’t even glance my way, so fixated you were on the couple in front of me. You had a look of disgust on your face, and at first I told myself that it wasn’t what it appeared. But then, as you passed, you looked them up and down, shook your head, and made an audible sound of revulsion.
I was mortified, heartbroken for these two strangers who’d done nothing but come to the store to pick up a few things for dinner. I don’t care if you disagree with their lifestyle. I don’t care if you think it’s wrong. I don’t care if you don’t like it. There’s a certain way of treating people, and That’s. Not. It.
I immediately felt sad for them, this young couple that I didn’t even know. What had they ever done to you to earn such a reaction? But the more I thought about it, the more sadness I felt for you. I wondered what had happened in your life for you to carry so much hatred and prejudice. I wondered if your reaction would have been the same if your son or your brother or your best friend announced he were gay. I wondered if you’d ever had anyone in your life who’d loved you unconditionally…. someone who stood beside you, and held your hand, and told you they would always, always have your back.
I felt sorry for the small way you were living your life, and I felt sad for your lost possibilities, your missed friendships, and your true potential for a full and rich and joyful existence.
You are hurting yourself, in ways I can’t even describe, and it doesn’t have to happen. I wish love for you, and healing… from whatever it is that is making you be so hurtful to others.
And finally, I’d like to thank you. In many ways it’s people like you who make me want to try harder. To be better. To be kinder. To be more accepting. To not give up. It’s people like you who remind me why I’m raising my kids the way that I am. Kids that know how to treat people. Kids that know how to love. Kids that know, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that people – gay, straight, black, white – are all deserving of compassion and kindness.
And you know what? That couple? They were still happy when they walked out of that store. You didn’t break them. And you … you were still an angry, sad old man, whose actions only made you even sadder.
Filed under acceptance, bullying, life
Day Six: Regrouping
Just nineteen days till Christmas.
I was recently living some Christmases past on my blog, feeling sad about the fact that I’ve always written about our advent activities in great detail, and that this year… um… it’s not happening. I feel like we have been go, go, going for the past six days – they’ve been good days, don’t get me wrong - and there has been precious little time to catch my breath, let alone do anything silly like write a blog post or share a picture.
It was starting to catch up with me already, so today I’m doing just that: stopping to breathe, blog, and share a few pictures (and also go to the doctor when Husband gets home, because I’m finally admitting that this sinus infection is not going away on its own.)
We have been geocaching, gone out for ice cream, had a carpet picnic, and made paper snowflakes. The little ones have done craft after craft, and done it up well I might add:
Husband and the boys also spent almost an entire day this weekend building an addition to the chicken coop:
Yesterday, we joined a field trip to a railroad museum at the last minute…
… and spent the rest of the day out and about, browsing and shopping and librarying.
Which brings me to today, and my great need to regroup. I’m once again reminding myself to live in the moment, enjoy the little things, and not get caught in the hustle and bustle. Our calendar for the next two weeks is even fuller, and I intend to enjoy it. Even before my antibiotics kick in.
Happy 19 Days Till Christmas!
Christmas, advent, & my beef with the Elf on The Shelf
Yesterday was the first of advent, and so began what is arguably my favorite time of year. The little ones saw a chocolate advent calendar at the store a few weeks ago, so this year that was added to the activity calendar and the Jesse Tree. I also just got a sweet little e-book that tells a part of the Christmas story every day, along with a corresponding ornament craft. And that’s enough! 
Yesterday, we went to the Dollar Tree to look for Christmasy stuff (and we actually walked there, for the first time ever, despite having lived just a mile away for FIVE years). Today, we’ll make paper snowflakes; and over the course of the next few weeks there will be Christmas parties, and cookie-making, and present-wrapping, and gingerbread houses, and movie watching and ornament crafting … all sorts of Norman Rockwell holiday goodness.
What won’t be part of our pre-Christmas festivities? This:
If you’re not familiar with it, The Elf on The Shelf is a Christmas book and doll that tell the story of this elf (who kids can name and register online) who watches them every day and then reports back to Santa at night. The next day, he is hidden by the parent shows back up in your house in a new spot, all ready for more “Naughty or Nice” surveillence. From its product page on Amazon:
Year after year, children and adults alike are baffled by the mystery of how Santa really knows who’s been naughty or nice. After much urging by the elves and Mrs. Claus, Santa has allowed his biggest secret to be revealed in The Elf on the Shelf: A Christmas Tradition.
Where to start.
For those reading this who are about to get all upset with me (“What?! What’s wrong with The Elf on a Shelf? We LOVE the Elf on the Shelf! Our kids love it. It’s fun! It’s harmless!”) I’d just ask that you hear me out. Also, from what I can tell, those who use and love this elf generally seem to fall into two camps: Those who just use it as a fun and lighthearted little toy, a yearly tradition of hide-and-seek-Elf with the kids; and those who employ it as a behavior modification tool, a way to try to encourage improvement in their children’s actions/attitudes/behaviors, at least for the month of the December. I’m really speaking to the latter.
Reading through reviews on Amazon, and comments on Facebook, message boards, and the like, the theme is the same.
It really encourages good behavior!
My kids are so well-behaved in the days leading to Christmas now!
They’re so afraid of doing something wrong and having it reported to Santa!
My question is this: Do you really want your kids to behave a certain way because they’re afraid that a creepy little elf is going to be watching them and reporting to Santa? What happens in January when the elf gets packed away?
For that matter, do you want them to behave a certain way so that they get a gold star on a sticker chart, or a lollipop at the checkout line?
I know I don’t.
Behaving a certain way for an external reward (or fear of punishment) is temporary, at best. It’s also not sincere, but just on the surface… no more than a means to an end. Where is the meaning in that? If you gave me $100 and told me to hold the door for a stranger, I would. But how much more would it mean – for me and the stranger – if I did it for free, simply because it’s a nice thing to do? Bribing and threatening our kids to “behave” is like assuming that they wouldn’t do so otherwise. It’s belittling them, and taking away their own power to do what THEY feel is right… not for a reward, not because of a fear of punishment, but because they want to. If they’re not given that chance, how can they show us who they really are?
I want my kids to behave the way they behave because they want to, because they are internally driven to do so, not because they’ll get a lump of coal if they don’t.
Filed under Uncategorized
