I’m a slow learner.

For the past year (at least) a big running theme on my blog has been the art of not sweating the small stuff.  Living in the moment.  Appreciating the calm amidst the chaos.  Letting go.

And I get it, and I understand it, and I feel it…. but I still find myself having to re-learn it.  Over and over and over again.

I have spent most of February MAJORLY sweating the small stuff (and the big stuff and everything in between)  I have been overwhelmed and stressed out and so, SO tired.  I was coming off one of the worst and longest stretches of insomnia I’d ever had – one that started well before the new year – and that coupled with the sudden onslaught of doctor appointments, Cub Scout activities, basketball, gymnastics, church events, writing projects, park days and birthdays and parties and… and and and…. it was all sending me over the edge.  I was unraveling.  It got to where I felt like I couldn’t do anything, so immobilized I was even at the idea of choosing a place to start.   Every time I heard that little “dink dink dink” on my phone, telling me I had another email, I cried winced.  Another place to be.  Another thing to attend to.  Another commitment to put on the calendar.

I was burnt out.  The house was out of control, I couldn’t seem to meet all four kids’ needs at the same time, and my own personal pursuits had become a thing of the distant past.  Leaving the house didn’t help, because I was so exhausted that I couldn’t enjoy it; and staying home didn’t help either, because at home I was buried under the weight of the 7425 things that needed my attention, not to the mention the growing inadequacy I was feeling as a mother (let alone as a wife.  As stressed I was, and as hectic as we were, we were lucky if we said hello when we passed each other as we ran one of the kids to their next engagement.  I think I still know what he looks like.)

I few days ago, I posted on Facebook about my feelings of overwhelm.  One wise friend told me:

“One thing at a time, finish it, move to the next.”

And it irritated the ^$@^%* out of me.  Well, I know that already.  You think I don’t know that?  It’s not that easy.  How do you do one thing at a time when you have a million things that need to be finished RIGHT NOW?  How do you do one thing at a time when you have so many things to do that there’s no single place to start?

I grumped at the mere suggestion for a good part of the morning.  “One thing at a time”… pffffft.

Then you know what I did?

I did one thing.  I finished it.  I took a big gasping gulp of air breath.  I moved on to the next.  By the time I got to the fourth or fifth thing on the list, I was breathing for real.  I wasn’t so overwhelmed.  I wasn’t so stressed about what remained undone, instead focusing on the productivity and the reality and the beauty of the moment.  I realized – AGAIN – that it really is about baby steps.   Not sweating the small stuff.  Living in the moment.  Having faith.  Trusting.  Breathing.

I was able to enjoy a fun go-cart riding birthday party for Spencer, and just a few days later threw a lovely little party for Tegan as well.  We watched Everett score in his last basketball game of the season, and accept his trophy in the awards ceremony.  We went to church yesterday, and we shopped for the supplies to make up the care packages we’ve been wanting to put in our cars for the homeless.   I got 99% of March on the calendar, and I breathed a sigh of relief that the bulk of February’s craziness was complete.

Now we’re about to head into another month, and another season, that is so far scheduled to be even busier than February.  And I’m realizing something else… also not for the first time:

I can’t do it all.   I especially can’t do it all at the same time.

Right now, I have to focus on my kids first.  They suffer when I’m stressed/not sleeping/burnt out, and that’s not fair to them.  So my first order of business is more pancake breakfasts.  More bubble blowing.  More chalk murals on the driveway.  More reading.  More singing.  More talking about Minecraft and legoes and Wonder Pets.

On a more personal note, I have a few different writing projects I’m working on for the month of March… all of which I’ll be sure to share if and when they come to fruition.

In April, I begin the marathon of yoga training that will only conclude with the 180 hours (crammed into two weeks!)  of studio time in July.

In keeping with my new adage of “one thing at a time”, I’m not sure what’s coming after that.  There’s the personal trainer exam I’ve been wanting to prepare for for the past year.  The herbalist portion of the Holistic Health degree I started when I completed the Nutrition certification program.  All the big ideas I had for my blog.  I don’t know.

I’m giving myself permission not to stress out about it, and not to feel like I have to do everything right now.   Which means that for the moment, blogging is going to be taking a backseat and squarely landing on my “when I have time” list…. along with jewelry making, practicing the piano, henna tattooes, and finally putting my vacation pictures (from last July) into an album.

I’m not going anywhere.  I’ll still be around.  It’s just that I’ve had to make the decision – one I feel good about – that this isn’t the time for devoting tons of hours to blogging.  Someday it will be, but not right now.

Right now I need to do one thing at a time.