When is it okay to “judge”?

Judgment.  It’s a word I’ve seen so many times over the past few days, it has lost all meaning.  “Who are you to judge?”  “Well aren’t we judgmental” “It is not our place to judge….”  My blog post about Tommy Jordan has the distinction of being the post that garnered the most comments I’ve gotten with this particular word, ever.

 

And I’m okay with that.

 

Here are a few of the definitions of judge by dictionary.com:

 

8.  to form a judgment  or opinion of; decide upon critically: You can’t judge a book by its cover.
9.  to decide or settle authoritatively; adjudge: The censor judged the book obscene and forbade its sale.

10. to infer, think, or hold as an opinion; conclude about or assess:

13.  to act as a judge; pass judgment: No one would judge between us.
14.  to form an opinion or estimate: I have heard the evidence and will judge accordingly.
15.  to make a mental judgment.

 

When people read my blog – or anyone’s blog – or read anything on the internet, they do all of the above.  They form an opinion, they infer, they think.   Ironically, all the people pointing their finger at me at shouting, “You’re JUDGING, shame on you!!” are doing the exact same thing they’re accusing me of doing.  They’re forming an opinion of me based on a snap shot of whatever words I’ve chosen to share.

 

I think we’ve gotten so wrapped up in a “to each his own” kind of world, that we’re so careful of not “judging”,  that we try so hard to be politically correct, that it’s suddenly not okay to point to something and say, “Wow.   That is messed up.”  Unless of course you’re pointing to the person who’s doing the pointing.   Then apparently it’s okay.  Then you’re a defender of justice.   “Who are you to judge this person??? I  would NEVER judge a person without knowing all the details.”

 

Yesterday, a friend on Facebook posted that she’d overheard a neighbor calling her 15 year old daughter a “stupid asshole.”  The first comment said, “Maybe her daughter was acting like a stupid asshole.  Teenagers are known to.”   It was followed up with, “doesn’t make it right.  But I wouldn’t judge a parent for one bad moment.”   That word judge again.  Are we really so afraid of judging that it’s not okay to hold the opinion that calling your child a “stupid asshole” isn’t a very nice thing to do?

 

It doesn’t mean I think I’m better than anyone.
It doesn’t mean I think this person is a terrible parent.
It doesn’t mean that I haven’t made my own mistakes.
It doesn’t mean I’m an expert on their family dynamic.
It doesn’t mean that I think I’m perfect.  (more things I’ve heard over the past couple of days)

 

It simply means that I disagree – strongly – with that particular decision.  And honestly?  If I ever reached that breaking point, that point where I felt I had no other recourse than to hurl insults and obscenities at my child, I would hope that someone would judge me.   I would hope that someone would stand up and say, “Whoa.  Stop.  Jen, what are you doing?”

 

A runner-up to the “judgmental” comments was “hypocritical”.  I’m a hypocrite because I advocate for respect, but I don’t respect Tommy Jordan’s parenting choices.

 

I want to be very, very clear when I say this:  I respect a lot of choices that are different from my own.   As a stay-at-home mom, I respect working parents.  As a homeschooling parent, I respect parents whose children go to school.  As a heterosexual married woman, I respect same-sex couples.  As a Christian, I respect other beliefs.

 

I do not respect Tommy Jordan’s “parenting choice” to publicly intimidate, mock, and insult his daughter.

 

I don’t need to know more details to fairly come to that decision.  He chose to show us those eight minutes of his life, and that was more than enough for me.

 

But I don’t wish him ill.  In fact I hope that someone, somewhere can touch his life and help him and his daughter.   I hope that he’s receptive to that help.  I hope that the insane amount of notoriety that this video has brought upon his family can be somehow used in a positive way.   I hope that what he chose to show us was just a man having a really bad day, and that it was not indicative of his parenting as a whole.  I hope that his family is more peaceful and more connected than they appear.

 

I’m not angry at Tommy Jordan.  I’m sad for him.  I’m sad for his daughter.  I’m sad that the great public movement that has come out of this seems to be not learning from his example, but instead focusing our energies on attacking those who dare “judge” him.
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11 Comments

Filed under about me, blogging, hypocrisy, judgement, parenting

11 Responses to When is it okay to “judge”?

  1. Amy

    I was surprised at the jump from stating a fact (the neighbor called his daughter a stupid asshole) to “you’re judging”. I was, in fact, not judging, I was stating a fact. You said it, we heard you. And, in polite company, I am sure he would not have said something of that nature. We all have bad days, we all have regrets. My point in posting about the neighbor was more of a “look, you guys, when you think someone isn’t there, when you think you’re alone, maybe you’re not.”

    Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks, eh? <3

  2. Erin

    Jen- THANK YOU for this post. It is EXACTLY how I felt when I saw the video on your original post and EXACTLY the reason I stated that it saddened me. The video made me sad for the family as a whole. I suppose it may go back to how we are raised and how we have chosen to raise our own but as a social worker (via one of my college hats) I also found it unsettling. Again- this is not “passing judgement” in a negatory way- but clearly stating, on my own experiences, how it made me feel.

  3. Well said. Nothing good comes from refusing to acknowledge wrong when we see it.

  4. Great post 🙂
    But who am I to judge 😛

  5. I haven’t even seen the video and I don’t plan to, but my response to it (and really bad parenting in general) is that hurt and broken people tend to raise hurt and broken people. Someone has to be brave enough to break the cycle. And the rest of us have to be loving enough to give nothing but support when they are ready.

  6. Petes

    It’s okay to “judge” whenever you feel like it.

    Your judgment can be incorrect but if you give your reasons (as you did) then people can give their counter reasons for why what he did wasn’t wrong or was a good thing to do. (I’m sure they have great reasons like he brought her into this world and he can sell her for a goat or something like that.)

    I as well am using judge to mean have an opinion, not as in a judge in a court of law (people will need to finish law school and buy a robe to do this one).

  7. The question of judgment comes up a lot on a local message board I frequent. It’s for mothers in my area, and people often post messages about seeing parents do this or that horrible thing, and then everyone jumps all over the original poster for “judging.” It’s a board about parenting, primarily, and yet we’re no longer allowed to talk about parenting choices without everyone getting offended. I’ve found that to be true any time I talk about the choices I’ve made — breastfeeding, co-sleeping, pulling my son out of preschool, etc. People often assume my choice is a judgment on the opposite choice. I respect others’ choices, but there are some I don’t respect, like spanking and humiliating children. So yes, I suppose I’m “judging” people who hit their children!

  8. jennifer,

    this concept of forming an opinion versus judgement is something i really wrestle with. i feel like i can UNDERSTAND why someone has done something (they were poorly raised) and EMPATHIZE with them but I can still DEEM the action wrong. OR JUDGE IT TO BE THAT WAY.

    well put. thank you!

    jennifer

  9. Nev

    Thank you sooo much for this. I constantly have to defend myself against ‘to each his own’ brigade. I couldn’t have said this better myself. Will share 🙂

    Nev

  10. Danny

    I noticed most of the people saying don’t judge Tommy were judging the daughter. There are probs 20 comments insulting amd judging his daughter under the vid but for some reason only the ones questioning him are called judgemental. People do love to have it both ways.

  11. Angi

    Yes this is so brilliant!!! Was kicked out of a group a couple of weeks ago for being ‘judgemental’ when I told someone that it’s wrong they hit their 1,2 & 3 year olds with wooden spoons 🙁
    Nothing bad or cruel that use to happen in this world would have stopped if it hadn’t been seen or judged to be wrong

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