Judgment. It’s a word I’ve seen so many times over the past few days, it has lost all meaning. “Who are you to judge?” “Well aren’t we judgmental” “It is not our place to judge….” My blog post about Tommy Jordan has the distinction of being the post that garnered the most comments I’ve gotten with this particular word, ever.
And I’m okay with that.
Here are a few of the definitions of judge by dictionary.com:
8. to form a judgment or opinion of; decide upon critically: You can’t judge a book by its cover.9. to decide or settle authoritatively; adjudge: The censor judged the book obscene and forbade its sale.10. to infer, think, or hold as an opinion; conclude about or assess:
13. to act as a judge; pass judgment: No one would judge between us.14. to form an opinion or estimate: I have heard the evidence and will judge accordingly.15. to make a mental judgment.
When people read my blog – or anyone’s blog – or read anything on the internet, they do all of the above. They form an opinion, they infer, they think. Ironically, all the people pointing their finger at me at shouting, “You’re JUDGING, shame on you!!” are doing the exact same thing they’re accusing me of doing. They’re forming an opinion of me based on a snap shot of whatever words I’ve chosen to share.
I think we’ve gotten so wrapped up in a “to each his own” kind of world, that we’re so careful of not “judging”, that we try so hard to be politically correct, that it’s suddenly not okay to point to something and say, “Wow. That is messed up.” Unless of course you’re pointing to the person who’s doing the pointing. Then apparently it’s okay. Then you’re a defender of justice. “Who are you to judge this person??? I would NEVER judge a person without knowing all the details.”
Yesterday, a friend on Facebook posted that she’d overheard a neighbor calling her 15 year old daughter a “stupid asshole.” The first comment said, “Maybe her daughter was acting like a stupid asshole. Teenagers are known to.” It was followed up with, “doesn’t make it right. But I wouldn’t judge a parent for one bad moment.” That word judge again. Are we really so afraid of judging that it’s not okay to hold the opinion that calling your child a “stupid asshole” isn’t a very nice thing to do?
It doesn’t mean I think I’m better than anyone.
It doesn’t mean I think this person is a terrible parent.
It doesn’t mean that I haven’t made my own mistakes.
It doesn’t mean I’m an expert on their family dynamic.
It doesn’t mean that I think I’m perfect. (more things I’ve heard over the past couple of days)
It simply means that I disagree – strongly – with that particular decision. And honestly? If I ever reached that breaking point, that point where I felt I had no other recourse than to hurl insults and obscenities at my child, I would hope that someone would judge me. I would hope that someone would stand up and say, “Whoa. Stop. Jen, what are you doing?”
A runner-up to the “judgmental” comments was “hypocritical”. I’m a hypocrite because I advocate for respect, but I don’t respect Tommy Jordan’s parenting choices.
I want to be very, very clear when I say this: I respect a lot of choices that are different from my own. As a stay-at-home mom, I respect working parents. As a homeschooling parent, I respect parents whose children go to school. As a heterosexual married woman, I respect same-sex couples. As a Christian, I respect other beliefs.
I do not respect Tommy Jordan’s “parenting choice” to publicly intimidate, mock, and insult his daughter.
I don’t need to know more details to fairly come to that decision. He chose to show us those eight minutes of his life, and that was more than enough for me.
But I don’t wish him ill. In fact I hope that someone, somewhere can touch his life and help him and his daughter. I hope that he’s receptive to that help. I hope that the insane amount of notoriety that this video has brought upon his family can be somehow used in a positive way. I hope that what he chose to show us was just a man having a really bad day, and that it was not indicative of his parenting as a whole. I hope that his family is more peaceful and more connected than they appear.
I’m not angry at Tommy Jordan. I’m sad for him. I’m sad for his daughter. I’m sad that the great public movement that has come out of this seems to be not learning from his example, but instead focusing our energies on attacking those who dare “judge” him.
