I hate the internet. I mean, I love the internet. But sometimes… I really hate it. That has never been more true than it has the past couple of weeks. I guess maybe I shouldn’t admit that, being a blogger, but there it is. And it’s kind of the crux of my whole point today: The things I shouldn’t say.
A few days ago, I saw a video going around Facebook. It was a home video of a dad and his three kids singing Bohemian Rhapsody in their car. We’re big Queen fans around here so I thought it was cute. I was about to share to it, when I started skimming through some of the negative comments. First there was horror that one of the little girls was sitting in the front seat. Then there was something about the toddlers strap on his car seat. That was all followed up with “What an inappropriate song to be singing with your kids!” I thought about my own page, and how I’ve seen the same kind of comments on even the most innocuous seeming posts. I didn’t really feel like getting into a lengthy and exhausting “thing” over a silly video.
So I didn’t share it.
And the more I thought about it, the more ticked off (at myself!) I felt. I was really irritated that I wouldn’t post something that I liked, on my page, just because I knew there’d be negative reactions. But the truth is, I’ve grown tired.
Lately there has been a barrage of videos, articles, and other posts about discipline that I’ve strongly disagreed with. I have to really weigh whether I want to opine on them though, because doing so always gets me called judgemental. And critical. And hypocritical. And why can’t I just “support other parents no matter how they do things?” That goes doubly for when I talk about spanking. Or crying it out. Or dads shooting their daughter’s laptops.
I can’t express my opinions about schools either, because apparently that’s not fair to teachers (and the fact that I’ve never had a disparaging thing to say about teachers is of little consequence)
I have to be careful about writing too many happy, good-day stories about the kids, because those always invite the snarky, “Oh it must be so nice to have such a perfect life” comments.
I can’t write too many downer posts either, because those bring the admonishments to get over myself and Just Focus On The Positive.
When Kirk Cameron made his remarks about homosexuality recently, I was shushed before I even began to give an opinion. (I disagreed with him, for whatever it’s worth) I couldn’t say it though, without getting screamed at about how unfair I was being, and how mean it was, and how he was being unnecessarily bullied. Besides, I was told, it was too controversial of a topic anyway. It would alienate too many readers. I should stick to writing about parenting (as long as I’m not being judgemental) or homeschooling (as long as I don’t mention school) or stories about my kids (as long as they’re not too happy. Or too sad.)
I don’t like walking on egg shells. Or writing on them, as it were. I can’t write my blog to please other people. I learned a long time ago that living your life to try to please others is a painful lesson in futility anyway. I don’t want this space to become some watered down version of itself simply because it’s more comfortable. I ultimately started it for myself, and while I’m very thankful that a few people seemed to read it and pay attention, at the end of the day I’d rather have a blog that’s authentic and read by 10 than a blog that’s “safe” and read by 10,000.
I was recently unfriended and subsequently blocked by a longtime Facebook friend. I don’t know why. I’m not welcome or able to contact her to tell her this, but I have to thank her in all sincerity. Getting dumped as a friend – again – painful though it was, served as an impetus to once again renew my conviction to just be me. I can’t do anything else. How people respond to me, to my blog, to the things I share…. that’s their business, not mine. I will fully admit that I haven’t gotten this blogging thing all figured out yet. Or this parenting thing. Or this life thing. But I can also tell you – promise you even – that what you see here will be real… the good, the bad, the ugly; whether you agree, disagree, or just don’t care. It’ll be messy. That’s real life. And that’s me.
And to prove it, here’s that Queen video that I convinced myself not to post. Enjoy it, or not. 🙂
I thought you were about to break up with us! LOL that would be so sad. Keep doing what you are doing. I love everything you write and have learned so much here and gained so much perspective. I’d offer you the “keep your chin up” advice, but I think you’ve got that! <3
LOL I’d never break up with you! And thanks for the support 🙂
Stay true to yourself and everything else will fall in line. Thans for sharing this—and thanks for sharing the video, too. I’ve seen it in my news feed the past few days, but this was my first time watching it. It’s nice to see other people having fun with their kids and having a good time. 🙂
I agree; the video made me happy. 🙂
This exact feeling has made me hesitant and fearful to write lately. I hate it. I’m glad you are speaking your mind. I love reading what you write.
Thanks Vickie. I so miss your blog when you’re not writing, but you know I understand!! Sometimes I just have to tell myself that if I don’t write something I feel passionate about because of the negativity I’ll get, it’s like letting them win. And I don’t want “them” to win.
Jen I enjoy your blog lots. Keep writing. Write for you and not for others. That is what you do. There will always be people that disagree. That should not matter really. It is YOUR blog! and a great one!
As a parent who believes and does things a little differently than you do I have to tell you, you’re not alone. On the View Joy Behar said that Kirk needs to “shut up!” when it comes to his opinions on homosexuality (never mind the fact that he was asked about them and didn’t volunteer them). That’s basically what I see many people telling me (in so many words) on my opinions on things. And truth be told I really don’t care, I’m not going to “shut up” and neither should you.
All of us have brains to think for ourselves, and what a great thing that is! I can’t imagine a world where everyone thought the same and had nothing new to add or creative ideas to share. The internet can be a wonderful thing, and even though we may not agree with everyone’s point of view we should at least try to respect it and not tell them to “shut up” just because we don’t agree. Tolerance goes both ways.
Authenticity is what I feel is the most important aspect of life as well. No matter how politically correct or even empathic you try to be, someone is going to disagree with you and most often it has nothing to do with you, but with them and where they are in their own journey. That’s why you really can’t take everyone’s words personally but allow them to express themselves (as long as respectful) and just let it be. Nobody is required to agree with or convince someone of an opinion. It definitely should not push you to stop being yourself and sharing yourself with others. With blogging, you reach people from all over the world rather than just those within your community and so both the positive and negative reactions/connections will be multiplied. Just focus on your own personal growth and let others deal with theirs. 😀
I have to constantly remind myself of how much I love people despite their trolly, judgemental tendencies! <3
Me too. I think I need a button that says, “I love my trolls.” lol Really, sometimes they’re the people who keep my numbers up!
Be you. Don’t ever be afraid to be you. Doesn’t matter who agrees or doesn’t agree …. doesn’t matter who gets pissy and who kisses butt …. doesn’t matter a bit. What matters is that you and your family are happy and that you’re living as you feel God is leading you.
It’s a lesson I’ve been learning in my time away from blogging.
See … I quit blogging because I was tired of walking on the eggshells. No matter what I said, someone was there to get on my butt about it and, in their own lil’ way, tell me I need to shut up and my thoughts are wrong.
Don’t let anyone get to you like that. It’s no fun place to be.
And, for what it’s worth, whether I agree or not, I love your blog!
I’ve told you before that you’re much braver than me. I started writing chicken awhile back because I have a troll phobia. 🙂
You ARE brave. You post all kinds of things I’d be afraid to post, especially when it comes to issues of church/Christianity. Even when I don’t agree, I respect the heck out of your willingness to share it.
You jumped right into my head with this post. I am going to re-post this because I wish everyone would read it.
I made a choice with my blog, as scary as it was to do this, but to follow my heart, and what I was inspired to write, at all times. And be really open – even though the public scrutiny terrified me. But like you, I am doing this to be 100% authentic, and would rather have a smaller audience (or none at all actually) than do something that is “edited down for the masses” so as to have the least likelihood of getting someone else’s undies in a bunch.
In reality, the topic of parenting is one of the MOST “dangerous” to write about online – not because we shouldn’t be able to write about it, but because inherent in parenting comes a soul wrenching experience – where you either embrace your wounds of how you were raised, and choose to do things differently, or you avoid the topic because it’s too painful but then deep down know you are taking the easy way out. And then when someone DARES to suggest doing something differently than you’ve chosen to do it, it brings up the most primitive of emotions.
But we NEED brave parenting bloggers to continue to do our best for our little ones. And why we need to support each other as well – because we get it.
I’ve found, however, that the people who complain about things, or disagree in a non-respectful way, are the very same people who DON’T have the guts to get out there and write a blog and open themselves up in a public forum. They are very quick to comment and call people out on things that they blog about, but are not the ones who would even dare. And deep down, those people know it, and it irks them to no end (that’s why they feel the need to just be angry or rude).
Stay strong, Jen – I know you are…..and thanks for writing this. I am bookmarking it so that when I’m having a tough day, I will know I’m not alone. 🙂
hallelujah, and can I get an amen, sistah!
I despise the constant judgment others seem to inflict on their peers. I say peers, because as fellow parents of children, that’s what we all truly are. why not take that same energy and breath, and spread more love, support, and understanding? it’s what this world really needs.
and p.s. jen, that video brought tears to my eyes – what an awesome father, those kids look so happy and fulfilled.
thank you for sharing. love and light. xo
*standing claps cheers and whistles!* You GO , love! I have BLOCKED people form my FB when I realized I was not posting what *I* wanted to in order t avoid their comments. There’s no way I am willing to let OTHERS dictate my content.
Personally, I’d rather read what the real you has to say than some self-censored “correct” not-you is blathering about because I happen to like YOU. And you have my assurance that if I disagree, life will go on. I’ll still like you and hopefully you’ll still like me and we can agree to disagree if I even care enough about the topic to mention that I do disagree.
And thanks for the video because I love seeing families having fun together and being silly and enjoying fabulous music. I guess I’m just “inappropriate” because half the time when mine were babies I was too sleep-deprived to remember the words to lullabies so our “lullabies” were things like Bohemian Rhapsody and Living on a Prayer and Major Tom and Free Falling because those were songs I knew the words to without wracking my head. Those are what my kids grew up knowing all the words to instead of Rock a Bye Baby (how inappropriate is it to sing about babies falling out of trees, anyway? 😉 and Hush Little Baby (a song about bribing children into silence!).
LOL about the song Rock a Bye Baby… I saw Howie Mandel perform once, and he did a whole bit about the song… something like “Gee thanks, now I have images of falling and crashing to the ground amidst broken, splintered pieces of wood. I’ll sleep like a baby now.” lol
Thanks for the support!
I love that you wrote this! I am always second guessing myself because I don’t want to offend to people. I think the real key is to have an opinion, not be opinionated and to speak your mind, without allowing it to be too narrow. I grew up in Utah, which, in my opinion, was home to many people who knew they were right and everyone else was wrong. When I moved here, I was surprised to see how open minded most people are. I have read several of your blogs and I feel like you are a very open minded, kind person who is just stating her opinion. My skin isn’t very thick and I have backed off of many thinks because I am so frustrated with people. The more involved you are, the more of a stir it causes, no matter what you are doing or saying. I hope you continue with what you are doing despite the comments of the opinionated, narrow-minded people of the world. These are the people that will “unfriend” because they are incapable of being wrong.
I love what you wrote. I too have reconciled myself to the fact that I’d rather have a smaller, more authentic blog.
People can be annoying! (No offense, People.) 😀
I LOVE that video. It’s just such a great expression of joy. What a dad. Thanks for sharing it.
Danielle at http://www.yeahisaiditblog.blogspot.com
“Never sacrifice who you are just because someone has a problem with it.”
Or in this case, someone ‘might’ have a problem with it. Easier said than done, but you had me at hello in this one! I agree 100%. Everyday I weigh the words or the post I’m about to ‘share’. Sometimes I think …”hell yeah, I’m posting that!” Other times, I have asked myself what it’s worth, and felt resentful when I’ve chosen not to follow through…. but I wasn’t prepared for the backlash. It’s the reality that you can’t please everybody all of the time that a person has to come to terms with, I think. You’re good. We’re all good. This was a timely post for me. Thanks!
I love this video when I saw it a couple of days ago! And I loved your post just now 🙂 You’re right, someone will always disagree! Great blog post, thank you 🙂
Lol, love the video!!! So much fun!
I adore the video, it made me smile & laugh. And, as hard as it may be/ seem, always say what you want to say.
To thine own self be true. <3
I love reading your blog. One of the reasons that I read a bunch of different blogs is to get different viewpoints. That & I’m stuck in bed after being hit by a drunk driver & I have a lot of time on my hands. I appreciate learning about different ways to raise my child in order to try & figure out what will work best for my family. I’m sorry that people use the time that they have to criticize & harass you for your beliefs. People seem to forget that freedom goes both ways. You have the freedom to write what you feel, their freedom is the freedom from being forced to read it. I will keep reading your posts, but I will not watch the video. I am not a Queen fan & that’s ok, too.
I am so sorry to hear about your accident. And THANK YOU for completely illustrating my point….. you’re not interested in the video, so you don’t watch it. Simple as that. 🙂
Yes! Same thing I’ve been thinking lately! Sometimes I do a blog post just to blast the annoying comments I’ve read on news articles, blogs, videos or pictures. 😉 Not that I ever get any traffic to my blog….it just helps me get it off my chest.
It is YOUR blog and YOUR FB page! Say want you want, it is not your fault if someone has problems with it, it is their’s. They are the one judging and BTW who are they to judge YOU and the way you think or live! Sorry, I just want you to be you and not hesitate to be any less than that!
On that note, I think it’s sort of funny when people get on my case and attack me for “judging” somebody (most notably the laptop shooting dad)… when their words and actions are doing the *exact* same thing they’re accusing me of doing!
I hear you, and struggle with the same thing as I start a new blog. Truth is, we _shouldn’t_ always agree. I find myself uncomfortable when my friends parent differently then I do because I am afraid of being judged, or of doing things wrong. But the truth is, God didn’t make us all the same. He didn’t intend for us to parent or write or live the same ways. Perhaps being out in public this way is a chance to practice really thinking about our own values, and practicing respecting the differences with others.
WOO HOO Jen for sticking up for yourself and choosing to be yourself! There is absolutely no way to to please everyone. And I think that most of those posting comments are actually being adult-like in their responses (although I do know I have seen some that make me wonder if they are 13 in the way they are “discussing”). It has to be hard, though, to come under fire for things you feel strongly about and is the “path less taken.”
Just know that even though there are those of out there that don’t trod the same path you have chosen for you and your family, we still love you no matter what!
HUGS!
oooh my gosh. this is SO me and what i’ve dealth with lately. I can’t make observations or thoughts or opinions on my facebook page at all. i post about carseat safety and i’m being an uppity, know it all jerk. I talk about how we don’t vaccinate and mind you i do not bash others who do, just to share info and i’m a quack and hippy crunchy nut. and obvously don’t do my research. can’t win! I am who I am but apparently that’s not okay!
People can be so annoying. Its your life, your kids, your blog…people will always have something berating, contrary, or cynical to say. Sometimes our egos are too big to allow an ounce of inspiration from anywhere outside of ourselves. I wish we could just take things in with a little faith that intentions are good and not be so quick to nitpick and criticize others. So, for those of us who enjoy what you do, we’d like you to share what is in your heart to share. I wish everyone else would start their own blogs with their own values and opinions or just shut up.
jeez louise, but this is fabulous. will you marry me? LOL!
i complain about this eggshell walking thing all the time. i call it taping my fingers closed. it makes me crazy, but there it is – i get tired of being called names.
well said.
Thanks for your great blog. I come here to read your perspective and experiences. Have you given any thought to turning the comments “off”? This is your space… it doesn’t matter my or anyone else’s opinion.
For some reason I’ve been hesitant to do that. I like the dialogue (when it’s actually dialogue and not mud-slinging) and I think that people can learn a lot from each other. I’ve been thinking a lot lately that it’s something I should utilize in the future though… that if people can’t play nicely, that I’ll take away their ability to comment on certain posts altogether.
I completely get this. I was blocked by a lady from my church because I disagreed with her fb status. With today’s social media, voyeurism is taken to a new level. We don’t just watch, we can affect the reactions of other watchers with our comments and blogs. Too bad, but true.
AMEN!! If I learned anything from taking my kids on a bike ride to the ends of the world it’s that there are people out there who will twist your words to mean whatever THEY want them to mean. Very frequently, that’s nothing even close to what you intended them to mean. It’s crazy.
In the end, all you can do is be true to yourself and know that not everyone will agree. Even though you’re right 🙂
Oh yes, it’s so nice to hear from other people who get where I’m coming from! I am sure you can fully relate.
LOVE IT. Skip the comments if they suck. You don’t have to be intelligent to use the internet. Or able to debate fairly. Or anything. You barely have to think. Keep fighting your own good fight. If people don’t like it, they can leave.
“You don’t have to be intelligent to use the internet.” For some reason, that made me laugh really hard. Thanks for that. 🙂
I’m just reiterating what others have said I’m sure (I’ve not read the comments-for similar reasons) BUT it’s YOUR BLOG! AND IT’S YOUR FACEBOOK page. If you alienate some readers then it is on THEM, not you. It shows their inability to see that other people can have differing opinions and still be friends/acquaintances/readers. My mama used to tell me that if we were all the same then this world would be a very boring place and I take that to heart still to this day. It’s YOUR opinion and YOUR space. It’s okay to say/post/feel what you want. Sending lots of support.
I love you for you! keep it up. there has been lots of times where i have not agreed with you. but you put your opinion out there in such a kind way it never offends me. you are just speaking your mind, and even when i don’t agree i like your perspective and can see where you are coming from. but most of the time i do agree with you. not that it matters 😉 i don’t want a watered down version of this blog either.
Thank you so much for saying this. *I* think I state my opinion nicely, but I’m a little biased, lol! When a posts really hits and gets lots of nasty comments, I try not to take it personally…. but sometimes it’s hard.
“at the end of the day I’d rather have a blog that’s authentic and read by 10 than a blog that’s “safe” and read by 10,000.”
Yes – this exactly – it probably explains why I have a whooping 64 followers on my ‘mommy’ blog – but back when I first started blogging in ’07 I did it for me as a creative outlet and a place to explore my own life and how it all connects (or doesn’t).
Glad you posted the video btw – that video rocks – I especially love watching the little guy 🙂
And also thanks for making me curious as to how long I’ve been blogging – I thought it was 09 – was pretty surprised to realize I’ve been doing this on and off in various spots for going on 5 years now. wow. Time flies!
Aww … now you made me go and read the comments on the video. My favorite: “Just think of all the educational things they could be learning in those precious minutes…” because OF COURSE memorizing a useless fact is more important than family bonding time. 😛
You go Jen! I’m not very brave yet on my blog but I’m working up to it and you’re one of my role models! 🙂
Thank you so very much for writing this, because it applies not only to bloggers but to those of us going through life.
Yes, please keep doing what you are doing. I love reading your blog, it’s inspiring to me as a writer and a parent. (Oh, and hubby sent me the link to that video, and told me he could could totally imagine the Agents and I jamming out the same way. Not that we would do that. But we would definitely do that!)
Just wanted to say I think you’ve every right to stay true to yourself, to express your own truth – this is *your* space.
Frankly, I’m much more interested in blogs where the blogger is honest than ‘nice’.
By the way, we loved the video!
We loved that video!! The toddler in the back is hysterical. And what a beautiful, wonderful tradition. I applaud that father.
I am sorry that you feel like you have to walk on eggshells.
I probably feel a bit more like that on my blog. But not on my facebook. My perspective is facebook is like my home. I may invite you in but this is my zone, my space. You will see what books are on my shelves, what music I listen to, what is in my fridge and I will let my hair down and be myself. If that isn’t agreeable, I will bless you to leave. … and if you come to my home, being rude to my friends or engaging me in argument, I will bless you to leave.
and I have been known to unfriend others as well. If I don’t want their rudeness, negativeity, etc to fill up my newsfeed, I will unfriend them.
I had someone challenge me on this once. They thought I should be willing to spend any amount of time bending over backward to make anyone feel welcome on MY facebook page. I told them, I have a standard rule … I wouldn’t invest time and energy to have dinner with you, then I am not going to friend you on facebook. I was told I was selfish. Oh well.
IN the wise words of Dr. Seuss:
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.Dr. Seuss
I really like this, thank you. I’ve been feeling the same way lately, pre-censored before I even start to write. It’s a stifling place to be in.
I posted a link to a guest post I’d written on my FB page, and someone left in a huff, without telling me why she was so offended. For some reason, that kind of helped. I can’t please everyone, so why am I trying? Why not just be authentic?
You inspired me when I found out that you are a mom with a book published and that it is not just any typical book, but a book filled with poetry about real issues. Thankyou for just being you and for this blog because I really need it right now.
I just stumbled upon this post and wanted to say thank you for writing it. It is exactly what I needed to hear…er, read…tonight.
Write it!! We may disagree or we may agree, but you should put your thoughts out there. It will, at the very least, get us to think about why we approach life or any issue the way that we do.
Eggshells hurt your feet if you step on them, so put them in the trash!
Love that video, they are so…..happy! I just found your blog recently, have been reading it non-stop. I love your blog. You are a fabulous writer and you really help me see how to be the kind of parent I want to be. My husband and I have 15 month old twins, and I’ve been thinking about so many things you write about. It’s nice, thank you.
Thanks so much for those kind words. I’m so glad you’ve been enjoying my blog! 15 month old twins, how much fun you must have. 🙂