I think sometimes as parents, we make things way more complicated than they need to be. I read a blog post the other day that referred to the “moral gymnastics” involved in everything from the food we buy, to the way we diaper, to the decisions we make about school. It’s a term that resonated with me, and if your emails and comments are any indication, it resonates with many of you as well.
I seem to write a lot about how I parent from the heart (because I do), and how I’ve never regretted any parental decision that’s been made by following my instinct (because I haven’t) but there’s another component that I regularly rely on. A big one.
Common sense. And it never steers me wrong.
I get some sort of … odd … objections every time I challenge the traditional, authoritarian, way of doing things. Objections that often make me wonder if we’ve lost sight of our collective common senses altogether. Whenever I write about parenting without punishments and coercion, I’m met with something that sounds like this: “But, but, they need to learn to obey you! They need to hear the word ‘no!’ What happens if they’re about to reach for a hot stove or run out into a crowded street?” As if the assumption is that a gentle parent wouldn’t dream of intervening when their child was in harm’s way. It’s a silly, silly argument. Common sense (not to mention parental instinct) tells us to protect a child who is in imminent danger. Common sense tells us that with a loving and attentive parent as their partner and guide, that kids will naturally learn not to play in traffic, and learn not to touch a hot burner, and learn not to stick a fork in an electrical outlet. We can give children choices, autonomy, and freedom; we can say YES as much as possible; and we can still trust that with gentle and compassionate guidance, that they will learn to navigate their world both safely and confidently. Common sense.
Another one I’ve heard a lot of, especially after my Spilled Milk post, is that if there is not some punitive measure taken when the child commits some infraction, that they will never learn to respect other people and/or their belongings. Common sense tells us that children learn how to treat others by watching how we, as their parents, treat others. Common sense tells us that when we demonstrate appropriate boundaries, that they will learn. For the past couple of weeks, I’ve brought Tegan with me to Paxton’s Physical Therapy appointments for his ankle. There are no separate rooms… just one big, open room, with a few beds, exercise equipment, mirrors, and a small waiting area with chairs. On any given day, there are never less than three other patients being worked with. Tegan is four, and it’s hard for four year olds to wait quietly. She’ll busy herself for a short amount of time with games on my phone, and then she’ll start to get antsy and loud. It’s normal for a four year old to get antsy and loud in a boring waiting area, but her needs to be four don’t supersede anyone else’s needs for a reasonably quiet and undisturbed session. So outside we go, where she can be loud and, well.. four, and the Physical Therapy patients can concentrate on what they came for. Common sense.
Recently, I posted about what I felt were the benefits of not placing arbitrary limits on the media that our children use. I’ve written about limits before, on everything from bedtimes, to food, to media. Naysayers immediately jump to extremes, but the fact is, no limits on bedtimes does not mean that the kids just stay up for 72 hours at a time. No limits on food does not mean that they’re existing on a diet of Ring Dings and Ho Hos. No limits on media does not mean that the 4 year old is playing a shoot-em-up game on the xbox, while the 8 year is watching Debbie Does Dallas in the other room. Common sense tells us that when we make sleep a safe, happy, thing when the kids are little, that as they grow they will trust themselves, listen to their bodies, and have a healthy relationship with both rest and wakefulness. Common sense tells us that when we fill our house with lots of good, whole, interesting foods; when we don’t let food become a battle of wills, a punishment, or a reward; when we let our children follow their own cues of hunger and thirst… that they will eat when they are hungry, stop when they are full, and appreciate food for both its nourishment and its enjoyment. Common sense tells us that the most important consideration when it comes to what they are watching, playing, & listening to is not controlling our kids, but knowing our kids, listening to our kids, and maintaining an open line of communication with our kids. Common sense tells us to watch things that may be frightening, confusing or disturbing to our young kids when they are asleep/not around, and it also tells us that they wouldn’t be interested in watching it anyway. Common sense.
Finally, common sense tells us that children, like all people (common sense tells us that children are people, too) respond to – and learn from – kindness, empathy, and love. NOT from coercion, shaming, and punishing… and certainly not from this current trend of public humiliation via the internet.
It’s not rocket science. It’s just common sense.
Very nice post. If only common sense were common 🙂
YES.
I love it, but I cannot resist saying that my guidelines for my children’s media consumption are not “arbitrary.” They are common sense. lol.
🙂
Common sense tells me that I need to remind my 16 year old that chips, buffalo wings and cheese on crackers is not a blanced meal. He seriously will not on his own seek out fruit or veggies no matter how much is around or available. There is no struggle once the reminder has been given but I always wondered what happened to “they will eat what their body needs” with him? 😉
We don’t have chips, buffalo wings, or cheese and crackers around on any regular basis to make that an option. 🙂
Neither do we but at 16 he has more , growing up he was given plenty of heatlhy foods.
When you are only keeping wholesome, healthy foods in your house, that is limiting and controlling whafreedom than he did when he was 12. Now that he has more freedom to make the choices for himself when he is not at home, he needs to be reminded to make healthier ones. Yest they eat. Nothing wrong with that, we try to MOSTLY keep heatlhy, good foods in the house too.
I honestly dont think the way you parent is really that different than most people. I always called it parenting from the heart. You may think you parent different because the few that are vocal will state there opinion but over all I dont feel your parenting is really that far from “traditional” parenting.
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It’s amazing how little common sense some people have! But I think even for people who have common sense, the idea of following through with all that freedom is a hard thing. Many adults don’t choose healthy foods, or get reasonable amounts of screen time, or get enough sleep. So they can’t trust their children to manage these things, because *they* can’t manage them. What they don’t understand (and what I understand intellectually but am still battling with emotionally) is that we can learn
(and most of us have) to ignore our bodies’ signals and want things that are not good for us. Children are naturally in tune with what they need, and if we remove their obstacles instead of creating new ones they will be able to stay that way.
Now, theoretically, I can see where you’re coming from with the media and theoretically I agree… but screens are a pretty new invention that for the vast majority of human development were not even possible. Based on the research, I’m betting on screens being an obstacle rather than removing obstacles, at least for children under 6.
This is an adjustment that we are currently working through in our own home. It has been really interesting and almost amusing how difficult it has been for my husband and I to begin trusting our own common sense when it comes to our children.
I have always had a pretty good deal of respect for children and believed they indeed are people and it is liberating to be able to treat my own children this way. I can tell already that it is taking our relationship to a really good place.
As always, thanks for honestly sharing your insights, it matters a lot to this family 🙂
Thanks for sharing a bit of your family’s journey! It really is such a cool thing to watch unfold. And, you’re welcome. 🙂
Somehow my post got messed up, it was supposed to read… Neither do we but at 16 he has more freedom than he did when he was 12. Now that he has more freedom to make the choices for himself when he is not at home, he needs to be reminded to make healthier ones. Yes, growing up he was given lots of heathy foods.
When you are only keeping wholesome, healthy foods in your house, that is limiting and controlling what they eat. Nothing wrong with that, we try to MOSTLY keep heatlhy, good foods in the house too.
As far as the rest of your post, I honestly dont think the way you parent is really that different than most people. I always called it parenting from the heart. You may think you parent different because the few that are vocal will state there opinion but over all I dont feel your parenting is really that far from “traditional” parenting.
and…. It didnt post as a reply like I wanted it to.. i think i’ll give up.
Oh I honestly wasn’t trying to be argumentative. I apologize if it came across that way. And I don’t think I’m different than other parents in the sense that we’re all doing the best we can with what we know and where we’re at. Each of us screwing up our kids in our own unique ways. 😉
No, I didnt think you were being argumentative. Just didnt want you to think we stock the house with cheese balls and ring-dings (esp. since ring dings are disgusting.. ho-hos are much better). 😉
I think the traditional methods of parenting you mention like obeying or humiliation or putting the fear of god into children (ok, that one is mine) aren’t that common. At least from what i have seen. I hope you didnt think of my comment as being rude. I just sometimes see you post about things and think “I hope she doesnt think thats the norm!!” 😉
Oh no, I didn’t think you being rude. 🙂 And I hope you’re right about it being less common! To me, it sometimes seems very common, but probably because as you said earlier, those parents tend to be pretty vocal about it.
Thank you for your great post.
I agree. We let our sun to eat as much as he wants, or as little as he wants. We have some limits on bed time. We stop playing with him at certain time in the evening, but he can play in his room as long as he wants. Usually he get to bed around the same time and wakes up about the same time, no forcing.
However I don’t know about unlimited media. My son is too young to serf the net. Did you have experience living the Internet without filters for your kids?
I would be interested to hear your experience.
Well, my two youngest are 4 and 8. The 4 year old very occasionally uses the internet to play games or watch videos, and of course needs help and supervision. The 8 year old uses it a bit more, but mostly just has a couple of sites he goes to. The 11 and 15 year old are really free to use the internet as they’d like. They play games (both by themselves and with others), look things up, chat with friends, use YouTube, etc. We have several computers, and they are all in common areas in the house, so people are always walking by, and they’re happy to share what they’re doing, what they’ve been up to, etc. We keep the lines of communication VERY open, which I think is the biggest factor in not just this issue, but parenting in general. If something comes up, we talk about it.
Thank you for your response. Yes indeed, the most important thing in any relationship, especially in parenting, is open and trusting communication. My wife is very open, I need to work on myself to be more open.
I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for your thoughtful posts. As a parent I have always tried to find the best way to respect my son while showing him how to be respectful. I don’t know if I was always successful or not, but I am told he’s a pretty good kid by others, so I guess that’s good. This year has been a year of change for us. We went from thinking school was the only way and that kids needed loads of rules and boundaries, to me quitting my job and homeschooling my son in a “relaxed” way (though it was never really relaxed and mired with constant battles), to embracing unschooling as the way we have always felt was right (but were too scared to try) (but ya know only for school because that ‘radical’ stuff was well too “radical”), to having just told my son yesterday that we will no longer be doing ‘school’, we no longer have bed times, and we no longer have food restrictions (if it’s in the house he can eat it). What a journey it has been!! We are still very much in the deschooling phase and I am constantly putting out the “freaking out” battles in my brain, but I know this is the right way for our family. It is blogs like yours that give me the inspiration to continue to raise my son in the way we see fit. Having no rules doesn’t mean no rules. It means helping him understand life’s “rules” and trusting that he will make the right decision, just as I do everyday. I am his partner, not his owner. 100 years ago, I as a woman was also owned, and look at the amazing things that have happened when people opened their eyes and realized that women are capable of proper decision making and wouldn’t run wild through the street if left to their own devices.
Thank you wholeheartedly for your wonderful blog,
Rachel
Thanks so much for your kind words, Rachel. I needed them today. <3 Thanks for sharing a bit of your journey as well. Good for you for following your heart for your family.