I’ve been an insomniac on and off for my entire adult life, so not sleeping is a not a new thing for me, but not sleeping because of pain is an entirely different proposition. Before, I’d get up if it was really bad, but I’d otherwise snuggle up in my half-conscious stupor, and get lost in the world of infomercials. (Proactiv or Meaningful Beauty, anyone?)
Right now though, once I’m awake I can’t lay down because the pain makes it impossible. So I sit, upright, at 2 or 4 or whenever it is, get one of the ice packs from its rotation in the freezer, and just… wait. The past week has not been a fun one in many ways, but I think that what’s getting to me the most is the lack of sleep. Lack of sleep – and lack of sleep from pain, no less – makes you feel a little…. crazy.
I had grand plans to get caught up on blogging: I can’t do much else. Oh how much extra time I’ll have on my hands!
Yeah. As it turns out, having a brain that’s in good working order is sort of a prerequisite for any effective blogging. Or writing. Or thinking. I’ve noticed that even my tweets and Facebook statuses have gotten progressively more riddled with errors over the course of the past week. From half-thoughts to misspelled words to leaving words out altogether. At least I haven’t misused an apostrophe. I don’t think. If I do, call my doctor. Surely that can’t be a good sign.
Some thoughts though, that have been rustling around enough to annoy me, but never formed into a complete enough thought for an actual post:
1. I’ve learned who my friends are this past week. Kind of a strange thing really, to realize that it’s taken most of my adult life to totally grasp this, but there’s a reason we get to choose our friends. I have good friends. And – in another lesson that I’m for some reason destined to truly learn only as an adult – I will learn to focus on thankfulness for them, rather than on the people who ..well .. when push comes to shove tend to disappoint me every time.
2. Patience. A virtue I don’t have. Yet. A couple of weeks ago, I chose a name for my future yoga studio. (It will be unveiled with my website, which I’ll work on soon since I have all this new-found time. Ha.) I was inspired by a Hebrew word meaning “wait.” And if that is not the most perfectly appropriate word right now, I don’t know what is. I’m learning a big lesson right now, and the fact that I’m not entirely sure what it is yet is of little importance. Because right now, I wait… which may just be the lesson all by itself.
3. I’m still meant to blog. I was just talking to a fellow blogger a couple of days ago about the love-hate relationship we have with blogging, and whether or not we’re too sensitive to deal with the negative backlash that inevitably always comes with our more widely shared posts. I very often think I’m not cut out for it, and decide that once I’m busy teaching yoga, my blog can just sort of quietly fade away, a digital memento of another time. But then I get a really sweet and encouraging message from a new reader, someone who for some reason liked my words, was touched in some way from my words… and I’m reminded, again, that for better or worse I’m meant to be here. Haters be damned.
4. I am so crazy in love with my kids. No, that’s not a new realization. It’s just that this past week I’ve been forced to slow down and take a step back and watch them in a different way. My interactions with them have had to change a bit, and while that’s had its downfalls (I hate, hate, HATE not being able to pick my daughter up when she wakes up in the morning and wants to be carried out into the other room) it’s had its positives too. New perspectives are always a good thing, and so is watching. And waiting.
Lots of waiting.