A guest post by Sarah MacLaughlin, Award-winning Amazon Bestselling Author of What Not To Say: Tools for Talking with Young Children
I have come to understand that I am in the business of changing people’s minds. This is a tough business to be in—it is actually quite impossible to change someone’s mind. I’ve learned from experience that trying is never fruitful. Whether it’s an adult or a child, all I can do is offer information, attempt to broaden or shift a perspective, and then completely let go of the outcome. Ah yes, it is that last part that is so problematic.
Recently I realized: Doesn’t it make sense to take a look at where we have been before we decide where we’re going? It was American Philosopher George Santayana who said, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” This is certainly true when it comes to the realm of parenting. As I said, minds change slowly, if at all. And I’ve recently lifted my head from the soup and noticed that not everyone is completely immersed in the ever-changing world of child-rearing philosophy.
I casually mentioned among coworkers that I was searching for the right fit in a preschool, one that did not ever use time-outs as a form of discipline. One kind-though-childless colleague did a verbal double-take.
“What do you mean? Why? What’s wrong with time-out?” she asked.
I have to admit I was more flustered in answering her than I would have liked, mostly because I feel annoyed that this control-based view of parenting is so accepted and pervasive. You can read some succinct opposition to time-out here: http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/peter_haiman.html, here: http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/04/no-bad-kids-toddler-discipline-without-shame-9-guidelines/ and here: http://rootparenting.org/child-timeouts-can-be-harmful/. I don’t really have anything new to say about why time-out is no good.
So time-outs are bad, yet this behavior has been frequently used over the past twenty or more years. This was considered a “step up” from spanking, right? This behavior is the evolution of raising children in our culture? This is progress?!It is true that I am frustrated. This lovely (yes, that is sarcasm) postcard went around Facebook last week:
This is the crux of the issue and the root of my frustration. Bullying is on the rise; that is a fact. I will entertain the idea that it could be because children are no longer beaten into fear and submission. Another view is that children have grown so disconnected from the adults in their world, and therefore disconnected from themselves, allowing them to view others as less-than-human. I’m inclined to go with the latter.
Children and youth do seem more disrespectful these days. I’ve seen proof in my branch of social work that serves at-risk youth, and I’ve had enough conversations with a friend who teaches 5th grade to hear third-party proof. This belief of the prevalence of more bullying by children is pretty valid. But I refuse to attribute it to not being able to hit children—which, by the way, is not even true. Spanking is perfectly legal in the U.S., not only in private homes, but still in many public schools as well.
If corporeal punishment is on the decline, this is a good thing. Brain research shows that humans are incapable of learning when they are afraid. Both hitting (physically-based) and time-out (emotionally-based) create an amygdala (fight or flight) response. Whether through pain or abandonment, both forms of punishment (and it is punishment) invoke fear and break connection, rather than build it.
And now the ultimate question: What the heck do you do instead? A friend stated recently, “I just don’t feel like I have any leverage.” This is why we need a complete paradigm shift in parenting. We need to put on a wholly new pair of glasses through which to view ourselves, our children, and the world. We shouldn’t need leverage. We are a tribal species. Connected, relationship-based parenting is what we actually need more of. Luckily science is showing that this is true.
Reframe your child’s behavior as asking for help, rather than acting out. See them as needing support instead of wanting their way. Aim to assist with growth rather that declaring right and wrong. Reevaluate your expectations and put the relationship first. This will automatically give you a different view—then figuring out what to do next won’t be so challenging.
Your thoughts and reflections on the topic?! I’d love to hear them.
(For a plethora of information, specific ideas, and tools; read more of Jennifer’s blog, follow mine, and also check out these great resources: Hand in Hand Parenting and Aha! Parenting)
Other Resources Mentioned in the Article
https://www.jennifermcgrail.com/
http://www.sarahsbalancingact.blogspot.com/
http://www.handinhandparenting.org/
Special Giveaway!
Please comment on this post about reconnecting with your children or issues about wanting leverage. Your comment enters you in the eBook Giveaway — to win an ebook copy of What Not to Say: Tools for Talking with Young Children, in the format of your choice: PDF, epub, or Kindle format. Sarah will be giving away one copy at each blog stop and will announce it on the comments of this post tomorrow. Be sure to leave your email so we can contact you in case you’re the winner!
Other stops and opportunities to win during this Blog Tour are listed on Sarah’s blog here: http://sarahsbalancingact.
Also, you can enter at Sarah’s site for the Grand Prize Giveaway: a Kindle Touch. Winner will be announced at the end of the tour after July 15th. Go here to enter: http://sarahsbalancingact.
About The Author
Sarah MacLaughlin has worked with children and families for over twenty years. With a background in early childhood education, she has previously been both a preschool teacher and nanny. Sarah is currently a licensed social worker at The Opportunity Alliance in South Portland, Maine, and works as the resource coordinator in therapeutic foster care. She serves on the board of Birth Roots, and writes the “Parenting Toolbox” column for a local parenting newspaper, Parent & Family. Sarah teaches classes and workshops locally, and consults with families everywhere. She considers it her life’s work to to promote happy, well-adjusted people in the future by increasing awareness of how children are spoken to today. She is mom to a young son who gives her plenty of opportunities to take her own advice about What Not to Say. More information about Sarah and her work can be found at her site: http://www.saramaclaughlin.com and her blog: http://sarahsbalancingact.
It’s amazing how many people don’t even know about this idea; like it’s somehow counter-intuitive to treat another human being with respect… and, I guess culturally, it is. So sad! I share these ideas with parents all the time, because usually I’m their children’s first teacher. It is so rewarding when they respond with, “I never thought of it that way before, but it makes sense!” Of course it’s even better when they just agree, but that is far less common than it should be. My e-mail (spelled out to avoid spammers) is megan dot nicole dot gardner at gmail dot com. Thanks for the chance to win!
It is amazing isn’t it? That’s where the mindfulness comes in. I hope people see that the “old paradigm” or “the well worn path” as it were, is not-so-good for kids i.e. our future!
I would really like to read this book. And get more info on this topic.
I am trying to change how I parent my children, but it is very hard to do when you don’t have the ‘tribal support’. I have a hard time staying connected with my 6 and 4 year olds while taking care of the new baby and with everyone else labelling the older kids behaviour as bad.
my email is libbyanne at hotmail dot com.
That is really smart of you to have to clearly identified a need! Yews, you do need a tribe to support you in your desire to change the way you parent your children. Are there any parenting resource centers in your area? Online Mom’s groups?
Sarah,
I just started an Attachment Parenting meetup group in my town. I am hoping to meet some other families in the area and form a supportive group. I can’t wait to read your book!
Libby
Congratulations Libby, you’re the winner of the book! 🙂 I’ve sent you an email with instructions on claiming it. Thanks for reading, and I know you will love the book!
Sarah I work in a similar field to you in Australia and I hear your frustrations about ‘acceptable mainstream parenting’, some days I comment, some days I don’t have the energy to argue. I am slowly healing from my own ‘mainstream parenting childhood’ and each day making better choices to love my 4 kids and show them unconditional love.
I’m going to quote you:
“Connected, relationship-based parenting is what we actually need more of.”
I think it can be expanded — replace “parenting” with “communities”.
Parenting in the new paradigm of connection rather than control requires connection to others rather than control by or of others. Our economy, culture, government and education systems are built on conditional foundations rather than primarily connection.
I am hopeful that tools from organizations like Hand in Hand, RIE, The Echo Center and thoughtful bloggers and authors like yourself will help build not just a new kind of parent, but a new kind of connection-based community and society.
Catfish_friend at yahoo
That is such a great point. Theparadogm shift must occur in a much more pervasive way…not just in parenting. Thank you for the tip about Echo Parenting…I didn’t know about that one!
Fabulous post!! I will be quoting you – I love your passion and intensity that comes through here. I am so thankful for your voice.
I consider myself an excellent mother. I am trying not to take it personally that you think I’m a bad mama for using timeout as a tool. Rather than being annoyed please give me an alternative solution.
I am extremely connected with my 2.5 and 1 yr. old and am with them every waking moment of the day. However, on occasion I do use timeout as a tool with my daughter who is 2.5, and it’s very effective. On average I would say she goes into time out for 2 minutes once a week or so. For example, this morning she was a wreck. She was emotional, tired, insisted on wearing pink (even though she had on pink and it wasn’t “pink enough”), hungry (refused to eat)…etc. Basically the life and times of a 2 yr. old. She’s normally an absolute delight, but rarely she is difficult. So, this morning after several talks about her behavior, lots of kisses and hugs, she continued stomping her feet and saying “NO!.” Finally I put her in timeout for 2 minutes, I got her out, talked to her, gave her lots of love and then she was totally back to her usual lovely self. So, for me, timeout works wonder. In my situation, what would you have done rather than timeout?
Molly,
I saw this older post and noticed you didn’t get a response (right here anyway) I’m wondering how things have progressed for you? Did you find answers to your questions in the links above? As your kiddos have grown has your perspective changed?
I wanted to clarify that this post is not calling you a bad mother…. The intent is to educate. To spread the word about the long term affects of a heavily leaned upon parenting strategy. Every human makes well intentioned mistakes. Learning to help our children better (first by preventing as much damage as possible by examining our practices) and grow and maintain the best relationship possible is what we’re striving for *in a nutshell*. We all have good moments and bad *just like children*…
Your children are several years older now….In fact, at the time of this comment, I hadn’t learned about the damaging affects of time out either…NOW I cannot believe I ever went along without questioning it… we grow, we change…hopefully for the better of ourselves and kiddos…
Looking back, do you see how timeout could’ve had the instant gratification outcome desired but didn’t ultimately address the need behind the upset? The situation sounds like very typical reactions of a developing toddler…. There are many things in that situation that might’ve been helpful… it’s very hard for such a small child to tell us, in a way we understand, what’s deeply bothering them…
It’s hard for my girls, many times, to articulate distress even now *and they’re 12,10, & 6…. empathy, patience, open ears, validation, gentleness, flexibility, acceptance, etc go a very long way in relationships with all humans…
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