Yearly Archives: 2012

Beginnings

I used to love fall.  Is there anything better than fall in New England?  The falling leaves, the crisp air, the football games, the apple picking, the sweater weather.  Fall makes me think of new jeans and warm drinks and marching bands playing the fight song.

Now I’d have to drive at least an hour or two to see falling leaves, and while I could technically wear a sweater if I really wanted to, it would likely make me die of heat stroke (we’ve been hitting 115 this week), and the air won’t be crisp until December.

But I still love fall.

Everything is new again, filled with beginnings and promise.  Every year at this time I celebrate a little bit that we’re once again making a conscious decision not to send the kids to school.  Spencer is 15 now, so we’re right around a decade of opting out.   That is something to celebrate for sure!  Plus, when school is back in session, it means we no longer have to share the parks, libraries, and museums with crowds of other kids.  (That sounds bad, doesn’t it?  At least I didn’t go with my first instinct, which was to say we didn’t have to share “our” parks, libraries, and museums.  What can I say.  Us homeschoolers are possessive of our hang-outs. ;))

Cub Scouts starts up again soon, and I just registered both Everett and Tegan for gymnastics and karate, and gymnastics and ballet respectively.  Earlier this week we met with our little group of friends and fellow homeschoolers, for the first time since May.  It felt a little bit like coming home.  We’ll start getting together weekly now, as well as with our larger group, and the older boys’ with their teen group.

And of course this year, fall also means I’m starting a new business, which is perhaps the most exciting beginning of all.

Ushering in a new season is a good thing indeed.  Even without the falling leaves.

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Filed under fall, family, friends, homeschooling

I’m a Hypocrite (and sometimes I don’t recycle)

A truth about blogging:  Sometimes no matter how carefully you choose your words, no matter how diplomatic and respectful you feel you’re being, no matter how clearly you think you’ve shared your viewpoint…. you still get called judgmental.  Short-sighted.  Preachy.  Hypocritical.

Hypocritical.  Hypocritical.  Hypocritical.

The odd thing is the perverse pleasure people seem to take in pointing out this perceived hypocrisy.  “Admit it!  You’re a hypocrite!!”

Okay, I’m a hypocrite.  So what?   I don’t mean to be flip, and of course I strive not to be a hypocrite.  It’s just that everyone (at least if s/he’s being honest) is a hypocrite sometimes.  We all mess up.  We vow to do better.  We change our minds.  We learn.  We grow.  We mess up again.  We’re human.

I’ve kept this blog for over 6 years now.  I GUARANTEE you that I’ve contradicted myself.  I guarantee you that I’ve written posts I’m no longer proud of.  I guarantee you that I haven’t always been as nice as I could have been.

The only difference between me and anyone else is that my missteps are out there on the internet for all to see and critique.

And if I don’t happen to be writing about it, you can rest assured that I’m living it.

Yes, sometimes I’m a hypocrite.

Sometimes I don’t get enough sleep and I snap at my husband.

Sometimes I don’t get enough sleep and I snap at my kids.

Sometimes I gossip.

Sometimes I judge people too quickly.

Sometimes I’m impatient.

Sometimes I’m just too damn tired to rinse out the peanut butter jar, and I throw it in the trash instead of the recycling bin which is right. next. to. it.

And you know what?  I refuse to beat myself up about any of the above.  If you’d like to beat me up for it, that’s certainly your prerogative.   Indeed, it’s easy and convenient to make a snap judgment about someone based on one real moment (I know… I’ve done that too…) rather than recognizing each other for what we really are: fellow travelers at various ports in this journey of life.  Growing through our trials, learning from our mistakes, and waking up each day with a new resolve to do better.  At the end of the day, we’re not much different, you and I.

I’m not yet the person I want to be, but that’s okay…. because He’s not done working on me yet.

And thank God for that.

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Filed under about me, acceptance, growing up, hypocrisy, judgement, learning, life

The Starfish Story

 

While walking along a beach, an elderly gentleman saw someone in the distance leaning down, picking something up and throwing it into the ocean.

As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, picking up starfish one by one and tossing each one gently back into the water.

He came closer still and called out, “Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?”

The young man paused, looked up, and replied “Throwing starfish into the ocean.”

The old man smiled, and said, “I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?”

To this, the young man replied, “The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them in, they’ll die.”

Upon hearing this, the elderly observer commented, “But, young man, do you not realise that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can’t possibly make a difference!”

The young man listened politely. Then he bent down, picked up another starfish, threw it into the back into the ocean past the breaking waves and said, “It made a difference for that one.”

 

~ Adapted from a story originally by Loren Eiseley.  Thanks to Susan from Together Walking for sharing this beautiful sentiment!

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Filed under inspirational, life, perspective

Dear Chick Fil A: I Love You, But…

Chick Fil A.

You’re sick to death of hearing about it.  I am too.  BELIEVE ME, I am too.  Two days ago, I vowed I would not weigh in.   Yesterday I realized I had no choice, if for no other reason than to preserve my own sanity and get it off my chest, if not off my news feed.

I am a huge proponent of respecting other people’s right to have their own opinions, and to voice those opinions as they see fit.  Let me just start there.  One of the things that has bothered me about this from the start (and there are so very many things that bother me about it) is that those of us who don’t agree with Dan Cathy’s stance are getting accused of not respecting his right to free speech.   Of course he has the right to speak.  Is anyone actually saying he doesn’t?  That’s an honest question…  I’ve read so many ugly words coming from both sides that at some point I started tuning them out.

Another one I’m seeing a lot of is a graphic that says:  “‘I disagree’ is not equal to ‘I hate you.'”  Absolutely.  Merely disagreeing, and harboring hatred are two entirely different things.

Here’s the problem…

I’m of the opinion (and remember, Dan Cathy gets to have an opinion.  I get to have an opinion.  We all get to have an opinion) I’m of the opinion that the Bible is not nearly as black and white on the issue of homosexuality as most of my fellow Christians would have you believe.  Setting that conversation completely aside, let’s say for the sake of argument that homosexuality is wrong.  There still remains the fact that the Bible is exceedingly clear on one thing.  We are called to LOVE. 

Of course, of course!  Love the sinner, hate the sin. 

No.  No, no, no.  Love the sinner (and we’re all sinners).  Period.   I believe that that “Love the sinner, hate the sin” admonishment is one of the most hurtful and damaging phrases ever to be uttered.  If we’re actively hating something about someone else, we believe they should change.   We’re making our love conditional, and half-hearted at best.   In essence we’re saying, “I love you, but…” Can any good come after that ‘but’?   To truly and completely love, we just have to LOVE.   With no strings, and no conditions.  Think homosexuality is a sin?  So is pride.  So is arrogance.  So is gossip.  So is judgement.

Love anyway.

Chick Fil A donates money – millions of dollars worth of money – to organizations whose whole reason for existence is to fight against, and ostracize, gay individuals… including groups that link homosexuality to pedophilia, groups that feel homosexuality should be outlawed, groups that think homosexuals should be exported from our country, and groups that believe homosexuality is something that can be “prayed away.”  One of these groups is the Family Research Council, which has been designated a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center.  I ask you, implore you, in all sincerity …. if you were homosexual, or your child or your best friend or your brother were homosexual, would any of the above groups (or the organizations such as Chick Fil A that support them) make you feel particularly loved?

I’ll be honest:  I’ve never eaten at Chick Fil A, mainly because I just don’t eat that kind of food.  And I’m certainly not going to start now, not because I simply disagree (I want to be really clear about that) but because just as it’s their right to financially support blatantly anti-gay organizations, it’s my right not to.  And yes, I’m aware that I’m likely supporting other such organizations without even knowing about it…. but when you know better, you do better.   I want my dollars to support groups that promote love, not more division.

I have seen so much righteous indignation, name-calling, and judgment from both sides of the issue.   I’ve seen well-meaning Christians proudly boasting about their support of a company that they may or may not realize gives money to a known hate group; and I’ve seen detractors casually throwing out words like bigots, and homophobes, and haters.

I’ve seen people telling Dan Cathy in no uncertain terms where to go and how to get there.  And that’s clearly not the answer here either.

These are real people … people with failings and shortcomings to be sure … but real people, who are so much more than a cause or a principle or a religious or political crusade.  And as I’ve thought about it, and pulled it apart, and boiled it down, I’ve realized that my responsibility here is no more and no less than to love.  Simply.  Fully.  Unconditionally.

And man, it’s simple in premise but not always easy in practice.  It’s hard to love people sometimes.  Sadly, often sometimes, my fellow Christians are the hardest of all.  But I honestly do want to love like Jesus loved.  I don’t ever want to fall back on “loving the sinner and hating the sin.”  I don’t want to put conditions on my love.  I don’t want to be a hypocrite.  So I will say to Dan Cathy and to others who support groups that aim to oppress, disparage, and ostracize others,  “I love you”.

And then I’ll just stop talking.

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Filed under acceptance, bible, faith, hot topics, hypocrisy, kindness, life, perspective, rant, respect

When an Android Goes to Yoga School

I was crying.

Not the dainty, sweet kind of crying people do in movies, with one perfect and lovely little tear rolling down my cheek… but ugly, chin quivering, nose snotting all over the place with no where to wipe it crying.  It was the last day of my 15-day, 12-hour-a-day yoga retreat that wrapped up my RYT training.  I was mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausted;  my injured shoulder – which had hung in there quite admirably for two weeks – had just given out again;  and I was sitting in a ball, wrapped up in my vinyasa scarf, missing my last two classmates’ final teaches (one of which included an all-out dance party).  They were tears of fatigue and pain to be sure, but tears of relief and emotion and overwhelm as well.

But I guess I should go back to the beginning.

Two weeks earlier, I was sitting in that same studio for the first time … nervous, excited, and not knowing what to expect.  I mean, I knew I would learn a lot about yoga (although, how much I learned still caught me by surprise.   A few highlights that still stand out:  1) The day we learned how to properly set our feet down “with intention” 2) The several hours we spent breaking down each posture … Mountain Pose, a pose that looks like a simple standing pose?  So. Much. More. than simply standing when done correctly.  3) A five-hour hands-on anatomy workshop with a yoga therapist that absolutely blew my mind.  BLEW MY MIND.)

But we weren’t really talking about the physical practice of yoga that first morning.  We were talking about a spiritual journey, specifically the journey that we were about to embark on, together.

“If you don’t cry at least once in this room, you must be an Android.”  My teacher’s words were bold, but as it turns out, true.   Starting from that very first day, there were tears everywhere, from everyone.  Everyone except me.  I was the Android.  While it’s a small feat for me to have tears spring forth over something silly like a commercial, or a song, or a Disney movie… tears that are born from growing and sharing and honest-to-God emotions make me seven kinds of uneasy.  I never know how to handle a crying peer, I’m not the first one to offer a hug (hugs tend to make me uneasy too), and even attempts to speak are awkward, at best.

An Android.

But then – whether I’d actually intended to or not – I did take that journey.   I did grow.  I did open up.  I did learn.  And so help me, when I was getting prayed over before my final teach (and touched by 12 people I might add) and one of my teachers was rubbing my back, it was actually kind of nice.  That was day 14, and while I’d still yet to shed a tear on my mat, my cold, dead robot heart had surely softened a little bit around the edges.

And Day 15…. what can I say?  It had all caught up with me.  I was blubbering with the best of them.  It had been 15 days of learning, of growth, and of self-discovery.  15 days of trying not to stuff pain and emotion and utter exhaustion.  15 days of new friendships, raucous laughter, and real discussion.  15 days of connection with God, connection with peace, and connection with stillness.  It had all culminated right there in that moment on my mat, with an intensity that quite literally took my breath away.  Life-changing.  There’s no other way to describe it.

As for what I took away from those two weeks?  I have books and binders and notebooks filled with yoga information, so much so that I decided mid-way through that I needed to stop trying to digest all at once but instead take it piece by piece, giving myself permission to take time to absorb and practice and study at my own pace once I got back to the “real world.”   One of my very favorite things about yoga is that it is a lifelong practice… you’re never done improving, and you’re never done learning.  There’s no rush either.  I can rest, right here and right now, and just be, exactly where I am in my journey, both in yoga and in life.

What I’ll most remember though is not the physical aspect of yoga, but the spiritual, and the fact that that two weeks helped me “get it” for the first time in my life.

I might always be uncomfortable with crying.  I might never be the most “huggy” person in the room.  But maybe, just maybe, I’m not an Android after all.

 

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Filed under about me, learning, life, yoga

Gentle Goodnight – Interview and Giveaway

I recently had the chance to read the book, Gentle Goodnight, a lovely little book (only 60 pages, so you can read it in one sitting) outlining the author’s method of nursing and dancing her babies gently to sleep.  I wanted to share it with all of you, because it’s something I would have loved to have read when I was a new mom, still figuring it all out!   No sleep training here….. just a loving, conscientious way to help your babies and toddlers get peacefully to sleep.  The book’s author, Lyssa Armenta, was kind enough to answer some questions for me.  She’s also giving away TWO copies of her book, so keep reading to find out how to enter.

1.  Parents like to hear from other parents.  How long have you been a mother / how many kids do you personally have, and what are their ages?

I have been a mother for 12 years now. My oldest son is Sterling who is 12, my daughter Samantha is 9 and my youngest son Spencer will be 5 next month.

 

2.  Tell us a little bit about what prompted you to write this book?

 

I wanted to share the Dancing Method I had been using almost non-stop since becoming a mom to get my own kids down for nap and bedtime. Gentle Goodnight can be used into toddlerhood if you are still nursing. My oldest was 2 and a half when he stopped, and my daughter and youngest son were both 3 and a half when we stopped. I felt I had a duty to not let this gentle sleep method stop with my kids. Every time I put them down and saw how peaceful they were, I was convinced it would help other new moms. My kids were each so different that I learned more tricks and things to include so I felt I was perfecting the Dancing Method with each one of them. To me, parenting is so much trial and error, and I felt I should share the finished product. This way, new moms do not need to make the errors and this will hopefully make their lives a little easier. Being a new mom is so overwhelming.   I felt so vulnerable with my first that I thought any method that gives them more confidence or helps them out in any way has to be a good thing.

 

3.  How is your book different from other books about sleep that are on the market?

 

This method meets your babies where they are at before nap or bedtime in terms of how awake and active they are, and then matches their energy level to be able to slowly bring it down to fall asleep. Every nap or bedtime can be different (activity-wise or mood-wise) and the songs can all be adjusted to start where your baby is at with the dancing intensity, volume, beat or rhythm…to get them to first start to relax and finally to sleep. This method also provides the benefits of exercise for mom. Most moms have no energy or time for exercise but this is multitasking at its best:  getting your baby to sleep, losing a few baby weight pounds, and the exercise is also stress-relieving for both of you.  It is not strenuous enough to effect milk supply, yet it is considered weight bearing exercise with the baby as the weight. This book doesn’t suggest things to try.  Instead, it gives you detailed instructions on how to prepare, how to do the Dancing Method, how to put the baby down, and things to take into consideration that could be keeping the baby awake.  Gentle Goodnight provides ways to overcome obstacles by giving many modifications you can make to meet the needs of your own unique little one. The last thing I want to mention is that this sleep method can be done anywhere, as long as you have a little music. From visits with friends or family to vacations, you will have confidence that your baby will still be able to enjoy his familiar routine of getting to sleep. This eliminates anxiety for mom and baby to be able to enjoy any outing.

 

4.  Some parents who see the phrase, “A proven sleep method” worry that this is just another controlling, “sleep-training” book, and/or that it employs some hidden crying-it-out.  How would you respond to those concerns?

 

It is a proven, loving, gentle sleep method that has been personally tested over 6000 times with a 99.99% success rate. I say that with confidence because I know this method works, but of course you can not say it will work for every baby.  No sleep method will work work for every baby. In the beginning of the book I have a Note From The Author saying that the book was specifically written for nursing, co-sleeping mothers for the purpose of not wasting anyone’s time or money.  I am trying to get the book in the hands of trusted sources such as Dr. Sears (who has a quote on the book’s cover) and The Path Less Taken who are publicly known to be against cry-it-out and controlled crying. This way they can share with their fans or readers who trust them already when they say that the book contains no cry-it-out or controlled crying. I am honestly trying to give moms an alternative, fun, quick, easy method to try to get their babies to sleep.  I understand the suspicions and I am willing to try to gain trust one mom at a time to help one baby at a time find a peaceful, gentle way to catch some zzzzzzzzzz’s.

 

5.   If you could give just one piece of advice to brand-new parents, what would it be?

 

Do whatever you can so that when your kids are grown and you think back that you have as little regret as possible in the way you raised them! I love the quote: “I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, I’m telling you it’s going to be worth it.”

 

You can read more about Lyssa and her book, as well as purchase a copy, at the Gentle Goodnight website.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Giveaway!

 

Lyssa is giving away two copies of her book (this is a soft-cover book, not an e-book)  to two readers who will be selected at random.  There are four chances to win.

 

1.  Leave a comment on this post, letting us know why you’d like to win the book

 

3.  Share the link to this post on Facebook

 

4.  Share the link to this post on Twitter
Please leave ONE comment telling me which ones you’ve done.    You’ll receive one entry for each method.  Be sure to leave your email address so we can contact you if you win!

 

 

Good luck, and thank you Lyssa!

 

This giveaway has now been closed.  Thanks for all who participated!  The winners are:

 

Lydia, and
Maria Wong

 

Congratulations!  Please send me a message with your mailing address so I can get it to Lyssa, and she can send out your books!

 

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Filed under attachment parenting, book reviews, gentle parenting, giveaways

The Missing Bottle of Conditioner

I lost a brand-new bottle of conditioner.  I’d gone to Target, picked up the conditioner, and somehow lost it in between the car and the bathroom.   I didn’t even realize it was missing until earlier this week.   I’d gotten the bath all ready for the girl, she’d gathered all her pony friends, and I’d prepared myself for a half hour of some heavy-duty detangling.  But I couldn’t find the conditioner.

“How does someone lose a bottle of conditioner??” I lamented to my husband.

“By misplacing it?”

“No, no.  What I mean is, WHO loses a bottle of conditioner?  Who does that?”

“You do?”

He’s very helpful in my times of need.

I was able to squeeze out the last few drops from the old bottle, and the immediate crisis was averted.   We both enjoyed the bath, the girl’s hair was once again fluffy and tangle-free, and all was right with the world.  Except… it wasn’t.  Because I lost the conditioner.  And that conditioner suddenly represented everything that had been going wrong for the past month and a half.  I was that conditioner.   Lost.

For the past six weeks, I’ve been sleepwalking.  I’ve been discouraged and grumpy and far shorter with the people around me than I’d care to admit.  My brain is toast.  I’m forgetting things, and losing things, and as scattered as I’ve ever been in my life.  The house is running about as smoothly as you’d imagine it’d have to be running for someone to lose a bottle of conditioner.  I ran the car out of gas last week, something I haven’t done in probably 20 years.  As I’ve no doubt whined stated in previous posts, I don’t do the patient thing very well.   I’ve been in constant pain with this shoulder thing (which, as it turns out, is further complicated by 4 discs in my neck with varying degrees of protruding and bulging and stenosis and a bunch of other fancy-sounding doctor words).   And I guess I don’t do pain very well either.   Or being physically limited in any way.  Or being told to rest, some more.  The combination of all of the above slid me into a depression before I realized what had happened.  All the extra energy I’ve been able to muster – such that it is – has been going to my yoga training.  Fortunately, there was a lot of learning and studying and testing that didn’t require me actually *doing* yoga.   But there’s been precious little left of me to go around, for the kids, for my husband, for the house… and apparently for keeping track of minor details like what I do with my Target bags when I get back from shopping.

And then I lost the conditioner, and it jolted me from my sleep.   There’s only so much I can do about the pain, and only so much I can do about how quickly my body heals.  I do have to be patient there.  But I don’t have to let it define me, and I don’t have to mentally check out in order to deal with it.  I have a lot of choices, and while I can’t do anything about the choices I’ve made over the past six weeks, I don’t have to continue to make them.

The day after tomorrow, I start the 15-day, 12-hour-a-day yoga retreat that will complete my training for my RYT.    At the end of the retreat, I will have completed my 250 hours, and will be ready to start teaching.   Make no mistake;  I’m excited about that.   But what I’m most excited about really doesn’t have anything to do with yoga at all, and everything to do with getting refreshed, re-focused, and re-centered.  As always, the timing is far, far better than I could have ever planned it myself.   I need this retreat right now, and I’m finding myself actually grateful for the injury that is ultimately going to make me appreciate this two weeks so much more than I otherwise would.  So. Much. More!

I’m grateful that I lost the conditioner too.  I lost the conditioner, but I gained my life.  It’s a pretty small price to pay.

 

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Filed under about me, life

High School Taught Me I Was a Failure

I got pretty good grades in high school. Sometimes I got really good grades. I was your average A/B student. I took (and did well in) honors and advanced placement classes, and my extracurricular schedule was nicely padded with sports and clubs and all those other things that colleges like to see. I didn’t dislike school, nor did I love it. School was a necessary evil.  It was a place to go in between writing and drawing and daydreaming. It was place to be told what to do and how to do it. It was like a game to me, and it was a game that I felt I generally played well.

My teachers didn’t agree.

Read the rest over on Christian Unschooling.

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Filed under about me, christian unschooling, unschooling

Wanting Leverage

A guest post by Sarah MacLaughlin, Award-winning Amazon Bestselling Author of What Not To Say: Tools for Talking with Young Children

I have come to understand that I am in the business of changing people’s minds. This is a tough business to be in—it is actually quite impossible to change someone’s mind. I’ve learned from experience that trying is never fruitful. Whether it’s an adult or a child, all I can do is offer information, attempt to broaden or shift a perspective, and then completely let go of the outcome. Ah yes, it is that last part that is so problematic.

Recently I realized: Doesn’t it make sense to take a look at where we have been before we decide where we’re going? It was American Philosopher George Santayana who said, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” This is certainly true when it comes to the realm of parenting. As I said, minds change slowly, if at all. And I’ve recently lifted my head from the soup and noticed that not everyone is completely immersed in the ever-changing world of child-rearing philosophy.

I casually mentioned among coworkers that I was searching for the right fit in a preschool, one that did not ever use time-outs as a form of discipline. One kind-though-childless colleague did a verbal double-take.

What do you mean? Why? What’s wrong with time-out?” she asked.

I have to admit I was more flustered in answering her than I would have liked, mostly because I feel annoyed that this control-based view of parenting is so accepted and pervasive. You can read some succinct opposition to time-out here: http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/peter_haiman.html, here: http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/04/no-bad-kids-toddler-discipline-without-shame-9-guidelines/ and here: http://rootparenting.org/child-timeouts-can-be-harmful/. I don’t really have anything new to say about why time-out is no good.

So time-outs are bad, yet this behavior has been frequently used over the past twenty or more years. This was considered a “step up” from spanking, right? This behavior is the evolution of raising children in our culture? This is progress?!It is true that I am frustrated. This lovely (yes, that is sarcasm) postcard went around Facebook last week:

This is the crux of the issue and the root of my frustration. Bullying is on the rise; that is a fact. I will entertain the idea that it could be because children are no longer beaten into fear and submission. Another view is that children have grown so disconnected from the adults in their world, and therefore disconnected from themselves, allowing them to view others as less-than-human. I’m inclined to go with the latter.

Children and youth do seem more disrespectful these days. I’ve seen proof in my branch of social work that serves at-risk youth, and I’ve had enough conversations with a friend who teaches 5th grade to hear third-party proof. This belief of the prevalence of more bullying by children is pretty valid. But I refuse to attribute it to not being able to hit children—which, by the way, is not even true. Spanking is perfectly legal in the U.S., not only in private homes, but still in many public schools as well.

If corporeal punishment is on the decline, this is a good thing. Brain research shows that humans are incapable of learning when they are afraid. Both hitting (physically-based) and time-out (emotionally-based) create an amygdala (fight or flight) response. Whether through pain or abandonment, both forms of punishment (and it is punishment) invoke fear and break connection, rather than build it.

And now the ultimate question: What the heck do you do instead? A friend stated recently, “I just don’t feel like I have any leverage.” This is why we need a complete paradigm shift in parenting. We need to put on a wholly new pair of glasses through which to view ourselves, our children, and the world. We shouldn’t need leverage. We are a tribal species. Connected, relationship-based parenting is what we actually need more of. Luckily science is showing that this is true.

Reframe your child’s behavior as asking for help, rather than acting out. See them as needing support instead of wanting their way. Aim to assist with growth rather that declaring right and wrong. Reevaluate your expectations and put the relationship first. This will automatically give you a different view—then figuring out what to do next won’t be so challenging.

Your thoughts and reflections on the topic?! I’d love to hear them.

(For a plethora of information, specific ideas, and tools; read more of Jennifer’s blog, follow mine, and also check out these great resources: Hand in Hand Parenting and Aha! Parenting)

Other Resources Mentioned in the Article

 

https://www.jennifermcgrail.com/

http://www.sarahsbalancingact.blogspot.com/

http://www.handinhandparenting.org/

http://www.ahaparenting.com/

 

Special Giveaway!

Please comment on this post about reconnecting with your children or issues about wanting leverage. Your comment enters you in the eBook Giveaway — to win an ebook copy of What Not to Say: Tools for Talking with Young Children, in the format of your choice: PDF, epub, or Kindle format. Sarah will be giving away one copy at each blog stop and will announce it on the comments of this post tomorrow. Be sure to leave your email so we can contact you in case you’re the winner!

Other stops and opportunities to win during this Blog Tour are listed on Sarah’s blog here: http://sarahsbalancingact.blogspot.com/p/blog-tour.html.

Also, you can enter at Sarah’s site for the Grand Prize Giveaway: a Kindle Touch. Winner will be announced at the end of the tour after July 15th. Go here to enter: http://sarahsbalancingact.blogspot.com/p/blog-tour.html


About The Author

Sarah MacLaughlin has worked with children and families for over twenty years. With a background in early childhood education, she has previously been both a preschool teacher and nanny. Sarah is currently a licensed social worker at The Opportunity Alliance in South Portland, Maine, and works as the resource coordinator in therapeutic foster care. She serves on the board of Birth Roots, and writes the “Parenting Toolbox” column for a local parenting newspaper, Parent & Family. Sarah teaches classes and workshops locally, and consults with families everywhere. She considers it her life’s work to to promote happy, well-adjusted people in the future by increasing awareness of how children are spoken to today. She is mom to a young son who gives her plenty of opportunities to take her own advice about What Not to Say. More information about Sarah and her work can be found at her site: http://www.saramaclaughlin.com and her blog: http://sarahsbalancingact.blogspot.com.

 


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I stole your stuff. Now I’m holding it for ransom.

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Earlier this week, another Pinterest gem went all crazy viral on Facebook.  It showed a photo of a large tupperware type bin with a poem taped to the side.  The poem informed the kids that they’d left their stuff out, so mom’s confiscated it.  If they wanted to get it back, they had to do a chore to earn it.  Next to the poem was a little envelope labeled “chores”, where presumably the child could pick from such tasks as sweeping, vacuuming, and doing the dishes.

Like most things that travel so widely so quickly, it left everyone in my newsfeed clearly divided by a line in the sand:  Those who thought the idea was brilliant, and couldn’t wait to implement it in their own house, and those – like myself – who thought….. well, otherwise.  Over and over I saw the same questions aimed at those who didn’t like it.   “Why wouldn’t you like it?”  “What’s wrong with it?”  And on my own Facebook page, “What’s wrong with all of you??”  I’m going to ignore that last question, but to give people the benefit of the doubt I’ll assume the first two are sincere.    Here then are the top five reasons this isn’t something you’d find in my home, in no particular order:

It’s not very nice.  Taking possession of something that doesn’t belong to you is theft.  Let’s just start there.  My children’s things are their own, and it’s not my place to take them, let alone take them and then demand they pay me in some way to get them back.  If I left my phone laying around (something that I do all. the. time.  that’s been known to happen) I’d be pretty ticked off if my husband decided it was his until I’d scrubbed the bathtub or ironed his work shirts.  If I wouldn’t like it done to myself, I wouldn’t do it to my kids.

It teaches kids that chores are punishments.  Things like washing the dishes, sweeping the floor, and doing laundry are a part of life and a part of keeping a nice home….   something that we can either learn to do joyfully, or learn to view as… well, a chore:  something unpleasant, and something to be dreadedIf a child grows up associating doing chores with 1) doing something “wrong” by not putting some treasured item away, and 2) being forced to earn said item back when it was taken away from them, which view do you suppose they’ll carry with them into adulthood?

It places blame on kids for something we’re all guilty of.  My husband is an admittedly much tidier person than I am, but even he will leave a cup on the end table, or his laptop in the living room.  I’m forever leaving that aforementioned cell phone all over the house, I’m constantly losing my mug of coffee, and it’s not uncommon for me to have books, notebooks, and other current projects out where I can easily find them.  Things don’t always get put away at the end of the day, and that’s okay!  Sometimes we forget, sometimes we’re busy with other things, sometimes playing games with the kids takes precedence over any clean-up.  The difference is, as adults we’re not punished for it.  We deal with it the next day, and life goes on.

It emphasizes an “us versus them” mentality.   A system like this sets up mom as the dictator, and the kids at her beck and call.   A lot of people seem to think that if it doesn’t work that way that the kids must run the house.  To the contrary, in our house we operate as a family.   We’re all on the same team.  It’s not my house, or my husband’s house, or the kids’ house…. it’s our house.  We all work together, and we respect each other’s things.  If something’s left out, and it’s an issue for someone else, it’s no more simple nor complicated than this:  “Spencer, can you please come get your project off the counter so we can make dinner?”  And he comes to get it.  Problem solved.  If he can’t come right that second for whatever reason, we move it for him, into his room or onto to his desk.  He knows it’s safe, we have the counter back, and we can make dinner.  Problem solved. 

It’s a temporary (and rather arbitrary) solution.  It’s a quick fix.  I find it odd and somewhat confusing when people justify this kind of thing by saying “I’m not going to raise ungrateful little brats who don’t respect their belongings.”   This isn’t going to teach them to respect their belongings.  It’s not going to teach them to pick up their things.  It’s going to temporarily make them pick up their things, because they don’t want mom to take them, and/or because they don’t want to have to do the chores to get them back.  Mom doesn’t have to worry about the stuff hanging around anymore, plus she gets someone to do the chores she doesn’t want to do anymore.  Win/win, right?  But what’s going to happen when the child is grown, and mom’s not around to confiscate his things?  What’s he going to do when he lives on his own and can leave his stuff wherever he damn well pleases, without fear of someone snatching it?   Sure, it’s easy and convenient to just take away all their things, but what is it going to accomplish in the long term?  And what is it going to do to your relationship with your child? If you want your children to learn how to take care of their things, show them how to take care of their things.  Help them take care of their things.  Let them see you taking care of your own things.  Put in the effort!  As for the mess, and the chores….

Everyone has his/her own personal level of tidiness.  Some people live and work best in chaos, and others are uncomfortable with anything but hospital corners and floors you can eat off of.  We have six people in our house, and all of us are different.  My daily struggle with this issue is the fact that messes make me crazy… and yet I tend to make a mess everywhere I go.  It’s my struggle though.  Not my husband’s, and not my kid’s.   If *I* am bothered by a mess, I will clean it.  If I need help, I’ll ask for it.  But it wouldn’t be fair for me to impose my style on the rest of the family, nor would it be fair for them to impose theirs onto me.  We respect each other’s differences, we communicate, we compromise, we give and we take.  We operate as a family.

This house is our haven.  The one place we’re guaranteed to be free to be ourselves, and free to give and receive unconditional love.  To learn, to play, to experiment, to grow.  Sometimes our house is clean.  Sometimes it’s messy.  Sometimes it’s very messy.

And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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