My Response to “Please Don’t Help My Kids”

park

About a week ago, somebody sent me a link to this article, titled Please Don’t Help My Kids.  As is typically the case, over the next several days I saw it everywhere… it ran across my newsfeed and my inbox dozens of times.

Let me end any suspense and just say:  I didn’t like it.

Especially on the first reading (yes, I read it several times), it came across as harsh and sort of unnecessarily sanctimonious.  But because I know what it feels like to have my entire point missed because people have read my words and wrote them off as being…. well, harsh and sanctimonious…. I read it again.  And then I read all the comments, where the author did further explain where she was coming from and helped me see her position with a little more clarity.

What I finally realized was that there was no way I could fairly assess it, simply because we are wholly different people, and more importantly: very different parents.

At one point in the article, she says, “I didn’t bring them to the park so they could learn how to manipulate others into doing the hard work for them. I brought them here so they could learn to do it themselves.”  I bring my kids to the park to play.   Learning how to climb ladders and pump themselves on the swings (which, by the way, you can’t stop them from learning) is simply a side-effect.  Sort of like I don’t make cookies to teach them about fractions and the chemical reactions involved in baking.  We make cookies because a little voice says, “Mommy, let’s make cookies!”  The learning happens anyway.

She also talks about being deliberately 15 feet away so they can learn to do it themselves.  When my kids are little, I’m rarely 15 feet away… not because I’m hovering, but because when that same little voice says, “Play with me, Mommy!” I try to say yes.  We climb, we explore, and we play together.

Finally, if one of my kids needs my help, I give it…. just as I help my husband, my sister, my parents, or my friends.  I can’t remember a time when I’ve been asked to help and have deliberately held back in order to “teach them a lesson.”  Admitting and asking for help is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength.

My kids don’t need help on the playground any more, but I was always there as they learned.  Not in an in-your-face kind of way, but in a, “Keep being awesome.  I’m here if you need me” kind of way.  They climbed, they pushed, they tested, they explored their boundaries.  And if they needed my hand, I gave it to them.

Does that mean then that I’m always in their space, “helping” even if they don’t want it, and preventing them from learning things on their own?  Of course not!  There are certainly times – lots of times – when kids need nothing more than their parents to get the heck out of their way and let them do things on their own.  Absolutely.  And your kids will let you know.   I remember when Everett was still a toddler, his daily mantra for a year was, “Ebbet do it!”  And we’d stand back, and he’d do it.

Though our approaches might be different, I don’t doubt that the writer of this article and myself want the same things for our children:

I want my girls to know the exhilaration of overcoming fear and doubt and achieving a hard-won success.

I want them to believe in their own abilities and be confident and determined in their actions.

I want them to feel capable of making their own decisions, developing their own skills, taking their own risks, and coping with their own feelings.

Those are some of the reasons I unschool, right there.  And no question, there is power in discovering you can do something yourself.  But there’s also power – at any age – in having somebody by your side, holding your hand, and telling you, “Don’t worry, you’ve got this.  And I’ve got your back.”

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26 Comments

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26 Responses to My Response to “Please Don’t Help My Kids”

  1. Yes, yes, yes. You put into words what what was swirling in my brain. We go to to play and that means I am normally playing right with them. I help them like I would anyone else who would request it. When I help other littles it is because they ask for my help and it is in my nature to help. My children are gorgeous, fiercely independent wild fabulous children. Helping them has not taken anything from them but instead has taught them we can work together conquer and accomplish anything.

    • “My children are gorgeous, fiercely independent wild fabulous children.
      Helping them has not taken anything from them but instead has taught
      them we can work together conquer and accomplish anything.” Lovely, thank you for this!

  2. Cheryl

    “And no question, there is power in discovering you can do something yourself. But there’s also power – at any age – in having somebody by your side, holding your hand, and telling you, “Don’t worry, you’ve got this. And I’ve got your back.””
    It’s interesting you end with this, because that’s exactly the same message I thought the original blogger conveyed.

    • Possibly… but I think she was pretty clear that she wasn’t going to be there to catch them if they fell.

      • Cheryl

        I don’t think she was talking about situations where there was any significant danger. Also, she clarified her approach in several comments. Here is one:

        “Here’s what my idea of “help” looks like: When my kid gets stuck and calls for help and I see she isn’t in serious danger, I begin by coaching her with encouragement and reminders of the skills she already has. I tell her I know she can do it. That’s often all she needs.

        If she’s still struggling, I’ll go and stand behind her, put my hand on her back so she knows I’m there, and continue to encourage her to try. We like to say, “I think I can, I think I can!” in these moments. I’m incredibly proud that this mantra often makes the difference.

        If it doesn’t, I cover her hands with my own and help her move her feet, so she is still climbing the ladder herself.”

        I don’t understand what the issue with this could be. I think this is a case of (the original blogger, not you) publishing too hastily, that’s all. She obscured her own main point, I think, which was to express extreme irritation that someone else stepped in by taking direct action with her child that was totally contradictory to what she, as the parent, had decided was an appropriate level of assistance to the situation. I think that you’d be just as irritated by that too – I know I would!

  3. OurMuddyBoots

    Thank you so much for writing this, Jenn. It is encouraging and confidence building to see someone with older children who says “yes. Of course I help my children.”

  4. Ariadne

    Jen I really like your response to this – I confess I was super curious once I read it if you would write about it 😉 I too take my children to the playground to play and sure they learn a lot but like you said it’s just part of the whole thing. I think the tricky part of parenting is often playing the balancing game – in this case I give space to encourage exploration but I stay available to help when asked or when danger is clear, mostly i can follow my child’s ques and trust that they are capable both to do what they need to do on their own and ask for help if they need it. I’ve read a few responses to this that tip too far so I really liked that your response is friendly and in my eyes balanced. Parenting for Social change also wrote a lovely response.

  5. I agree with the other blogger regarding not helping them up the ladder hut possibly for a different reason. My thinking is if they are unable to climb the ladder themselves they probably have no business being at the top of it (at least when it comes to climbing frames – slides would be the exception to that rule as its the coming down which is the fun part) – they have to learn to walk before they can run. So for me its a safety issue – i step back so they can find their in limits and realise their own capabilities. I don’t try to catch their every fall because they don’t need me to. If they need me to help them back up i will but i won’t help them into a situation beyond their capability which could contribute to that fall – if they got there themselves though that’s a different matter.

  6. tammy

    I actually don’t think you read her comments where she explains further. Your posts are actually very much the same and very like-minded! 🙂 This was a great read, thanks for sharing!! :))

  7. Sam

    I agreed with the original poster but simply because I know I can’t always be there to help them.

    The girls were never playing on the same equipment at the same time so I couldn’t consistently help them. I would triage the situation and determine which one needed my help the most, usually it was the youngest one as she tried to keep up with the older ones.

    If they couldn’t climb the ladder on their own, then they just simply could not do the rest.

    I needed them to know their own boundaries because I simply could not be there.

    I really take it as a metaphor for life. They know I will be there to help brush them off and get them going again, even if I wasn’t always there to catch them before they fell. This applies to so much more in life than just the playground, and now that they are older, they know they can call me no matter what. I will be there to help them and I won’t judge them or tell them they shouldn’t have even tried. I will listen to them and let them figure out how to do it again, without falling.

  8. Quite agree, Jennifer. Why does a child need to have it drilled into her head, and constantly reinforced, that she’s not to expect the world around her to be ready to provide her support? Why does she have told that the world’s a happy, friendly place UNTIL, uh oh, she needs something. Needing’s a screw-up — you’re only acceptable if you demonstrate Independence — the independence that every child of average intelligence and bodily co-ordination *will* arrive at, somewhere along the eighteen or so years between infancy and being old enough to vote. Incomprehensible.

  9. SummerBloom

    Whilst I agree over parenting is not beneficial for children, I also feel the stand back approach isn’t beneficial either, what Jen has managed to convey (which I didn’t think the writer of the other article did) was that there is a happy middle ground. Some of the terminology and wording of the original article seemed a little more like the kind of ‘Activity Bonding Day’ motivational spiel designed for adults in an office rather than for kiddos.

  10. Sally

    Hi Jen,

    This is the first line of the original article: “Please do not lift my daughters to the top of the ladder, especially after you’ve just heard me tell them I wasn’t going to do it for them and encourage them to try it themselves.”

    I think a point the author is making is that you and she will have different styles of parenting (and that’s okay), but you should both be aware and respectful of each other and the different approaches/values/lessons-of-the-moment” that you are teaching your respective kids. She’s trying to teach her girls that they can do it on their own, and she’s made that obvious in her interactions with them at the park. It’s her choice to teach her girls to be self-sufficient. On other days she may teach them how wonderful it is to help others. She’s just asking that fellow parents be observant and give her the space to be a parent in her own way, not step in and overtake the lesson she’s trying to teach.

    Happy Parenting!

  11. You. Are. Awesome….Sharing!

  12. I agree with you both to a point. When my children are doing new things, learning how to do something, I am right there. I held their hand as they climbed up the stairs, I held their sides/hips as they learned to climb ladders, I pushed them on the swings until they figured out the legs… but once they figured that part out, I took a step back. When my two year old climbed over the TOP of the monkey bars, my husband and I BOTH were on either side in case he lost his balance (he never did and was frustrated at us anyway lol). I get it, being there when they want to try new things is important.

    On the flip side, when my child can climb up and over the monkey bars by himself, he doesn’t need you to come running across the playground screaming at the top of your lungs because you don’t think he should climb the ladder to the big slide by himself. I know there are neglectful and lazy parents out there but you just can’t assume that EVERY parent is lazy and neglectful. The first several times he climbed that slide, I was RIGHT behind him on the ladder and squeezed my butt onto the tiny slide to make sure he got up ok. Now, I sit down and watch him play with his peers. He plays with me all day everyday. He wants to play with his friends, not with mom right now. (He’s three now, his older brother is five). I’m nearby but they are on their own to play as they wish. Yes, my heart still jumps in my throat when my youngest goes over the monkey bars. Yes, I still jump up and stand underneath of him just in case.. but I don’t appreciate when others freak out and make my children think they are doing something wrong when they are more adventurous/more risk taking than other children their age (and older!). Have they gotten hurt? Heck ya. Have we even made an ER trip from the playground? Heck ya. Wanna know something funny? The ER trip was from falling off of the second rung of the ladder.. not even something remotely dangerous. It also taught my older son to be more careful. He is still adventurous but he takes his time instead of full speed ahead. I try to let my children learn and explore. I support them when they need support and step back when they are done with me. 🙂 Strangers “helping” them is confusing to them. Especially when they don’t ASK for help and the stranger ASS-U-MES they need help. We have focused big time on stranger danger. How does a stranger walking up behind them and grabbing them to help them climb a three foot tall ladder help reinforce that? One of these days, my five year old is going to “stranger danger” one of these strangers like his karate school taught him and they are going to think twice about “helping” a strangers child!

  13. JesDaMom

    This rebuttal (if you will) is quite ignorant. I almost feel embarrassed for the author. Reading this, I wonder if you are trying to fake your way to a middle ground because you are “one of those” helicopter parents, because your response is very contradicting and off topic to the original.

    Everyone brings their child to a playground to play. Playing builds motor skills in children. So therefore in theory we all bring our kids to gain skills – just through play.

    The first article was geared towards parents who are parenting and worrying about children other than their own. It was a big “GO AWAY” to the helicopter parents.

    Who are these people? The people who stand at the top of the slide or the bottom of the ladder and act like the playground police helping and aiding all the children and taking up play space on the jungle gym.

    That is not only obnoxious but it’s also not safe. Helping my kid go up a ladder that they have no business or capability of being up is dangerous. When my kid can climb a ladder, he/she will therefore get to climb the ladder. Leave my kid alone. I came to the playground so they can play – you are absolutely right – so GO AWAY. My kid is more than capable of climbing, jumping, running, falling, etc. Stop helping them. I am there parent. I am sitting RIGHT HERE watching… if my kid needs me I’ll know when and I WILL HELP THEM… not you… ME.

  14. KarenO

    THANK YOU! The original article did not resonate with me at all, but I couldn’t figure out why. Thank you for finding the words in my head! Fantastic!

  15. Kendra

    Just wanted to copy and past my response to her blog for you. I agree with YOU entirely!

    K M November 14, 2013 at 02:05 PM
    Kids learn to climb and do physical things whether you help them or not. It’s shows love to be with your child as they learn. They will always remember the feeling of love their parents passed onto them as their parents were by their side as they learned. The warm loving memories for their parents will accompany their abilities to do things later in life. They will remember, “My mom taught me this. I remember her doing so.” They will love others in return. My parents taught me to be independent, and I am so today. I teach my daughter to do things on her own as well: clean up after herself, put her clothes away. But when we go to the park, we have fun. She is nine years old, way past learning to climb. It’s just not a big issue. As they get older, there are way more important things. My daughter loves taking care of littler kids and shows love to them wherever we are. She didn’t learn that by my sitting on a park bench, watching her learn to climb by herself.

  16. Katesurfs

    I couldn’t stand that post either! I wrote my own post on it 🙂 http://katesurfs.wordpress.com/2013/12/13/yes-please-help-my-kids-if-they-need-it/

  17. You seem to be making a lot of assumptions. How do you know this is about, “very young children”? and what age group would that encompass? As a child did your parents lift you to the top of the ladder? In my day, my parents didn’t even go to the park with us. We were told to go outside & play & not come home until dinner time. And we survived. We learned about how to occupy ourselves without expecting our parents to arrange our entire day, & we enjoyed the fact that our parents knew we were capable of this. We suffered lots of cuts & bruises from our adventures, & we survived. When our parents told us to, “Do it yourself,” I never felt I was learning, “a dark lesson” We made our own games, with our own rules that changed daily. There were bullies, too. But we learned how to deal with these things with NO PARENTAL HELP. Why? Because parents EXPECTED their children to deal with these things. It wasn’t always easy, but we did it! That’s life! And no, children will not feel “abandoned & angry” if their parents don’t help them with every little thing. They’re more likely to think that you have no confidence in them if you always help them. You used terms like “relationship – damaging practice” ? “can’t trust mom because she didn’t help me at the park” ? REALLY?!!! I cannot fathom why any parent thinks like this!You should tell your children, “You didn’t get it today, BUT THAT’S OK. Try again. And if you never get it, THAT’S OK, TOO!!! YOU CAN’T BE GOOD AT EVERYTHING.” Kids are being taught that it is not ok to fail at even the simplest of things. So…they don’t take chances. Every invention has many FAILURES before SUCCESSES. That’s how we learn. This generation will never invent anything new if they feel it’s not ok to fail, & try again.
    Parents, stop robbing your children of the wonderful feeling you get when you accomplish something that you had to work really hard for – all by yourself! Teach them that every failure could be one step closer to a success, an invaluable lesson to learn. And make them be responsible. Must have a job before they get their driver’s permit. Because, who is going to pay for their car insurance? THEY ARE!!! Not you! We went to high school, did sports, plays, extracurricular activities, had to take the late bus home because our parents weren’t going to pick us up if there was a perfectly fine school bus to drop us off, went to church every Sunday morning, & still worked enough to pay for our own car insurance. We certainly didn’t expect our parents to. That would have been disrespectful. Our parents worked hard to provide for us for years. As we reached our teenage years, we felt it was our duty to earn money for things we needed and wanted. We had jobs at the age of 11, when our allowance was cut off. We still had to do the same chores, but didn’t get any compensation, & we didn’t expect any. We did it, because those were the expectations of everyone in the family. We were proud to earn money ourselves & pay our own way. Now, back to today, My daughter is 22. She got her drivers permit AND HER FIRST CELL PHONE when she turned 16 & got a job to pay for those things. I had no intention of paying for them, & she is now the most financially organized person! My 20 year old son had the same rules. He got his permit & first cell phone upon turning 16 & getting a job. My youngest son had some troubles, but we stuck to our guns. He got his first cell phone when he got a good job at the age of 18! When they told me their friends parents bought & payed for these things, I said I was sorry for them. They were missing out on a very valuable lesson. When my kids said they needed a cell phone for emergencies, & all their friends had them, I said there was no need for them to have one then, just borrow your friends cell phone.
    The question I have for the parents who think they need to help their children with everything is: Exactly what are your expectations from your child? Do you have so little faith in your children that you feel they can’t handle a scraped knee, or even a broken bone, due to TRYING SOMETHING ON THEIR OWN? How many 5 year olds have ever said they can’t trust their mothers because they had to climb to the top of slide all by themselves? Children are made pretty darn strong. We survived see saws, merry go rounds, & oh yes… even swings. How do you think we learned how to walk far around a moving swing? Most of us got kicked in the head a few times. We survived! Let your kids be kids. Free to imagine & discover, and yes, to make mistakes, fall down & get hurt a little. Make them go outside with no planned activity & tell them to find something to do, & if they come inside the consequence will be chores, not TV. But be patient, & supportive. Suggest reading a book in a tree. Or lay on their backs in a yard or field & look at imagination clouds. Children do not think of parents they way you are portraying them unless you tell them that. I wonder why you even think that way. Relax, have fun & enjoy your children’s innocence & sense of wonder at the world, instead of trying to control it. I was always realistic about my children. When I had my first conference with my son’s 3rd grade teacher, she had so many nice things to say about my overactive, but lovable son, I stopped her & actually said, “I’m sorry, I’m Tyler’s mom, you must be talking about another student.” She laughed & said, “No, I really am talking about Tyler.” I smiled & told her she was the first teacher that said such nice things! How embarrassing, but honest, of a mother who truly knows her son, & is always proud of him.
    Lastly, as a mother of 3 children, a daughter & 2 sons, I was always active in my children’s lives. I volunteered in every school, our church, my neighborhood, & when they were old enough, I had them volunteer, too. My husband & I went to their sports practices, games, meets, chorus concerts, & plays. In all of these things, we met parents who did nothing but complain – remember, if you aren’t happy with the way things are run, volunteer yourself! Then you can be part of the solution, instead of part of the problem. Your kids won’t excel at everything, & that’s ok! Have fun with them! And tell them you love them – every day, even when you’re really angry at them. My youngest was diagnosed with a rare brain condition in Dec of 2013. 1 year & 1 week later it bled out & he died Dec 17th, 2014. He had checked the Organ Donor box on his ID, & on Dec 18th he saved the lives of 4 people. Don’t take things with your children so seriously. Just love them, enjoy them, and teach them to be good people. You never know how much time you have with them.

  18. Devon

    I 100% agree with everything you wrote, I couldn’t have said it any better!!!

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