It’s Not Okay

Steubenville, Ohio:

A sixteen year old girl had been drinking at a party and passed out.  She later woke up in a strange location, naked, to find that she’d not only been raped, but that pictures, tweets, and videos making light of it had been shared all over the internet.

This past Sunday, two local football players – also teenagers – were found guilty of the rape.  Almost immediately, the media was awash with sympathy, lamenting the ruined lives and dashed promising future of the poor, poor…

perpetrators.

Wait.  What?  Yes, these boys chose to sexually assault and take advantage of an unconscious girl; and as if that weren’t enough, they assaulted her again when they broadcast texts, tweets, pictures, and even videos documenting the attack… splashing it around as though it were entertainment.  And it’s THEM we’re supposed to have unwavering empathy for?  Right, because the girl made bad decisions.  Because she was drunk.  Because she was at the party at all.  Because she must have “asked for it.”

I would like to say that I’m shocked by this attitude.  I should be shocked.  But I’m not.   And don’t get me wrong.  I’m disgusted.  I’m horrified.  I’m outraged.  But I’m not shocked.  Why?  Because this culture has been around as long as I can remember.

Nearly two decades ago, I was having a conversation about this very thing.  I can picture the kitchen.  The table.  The light on the ceiling.  I remember asking him for clarification, because surely I misunderstood.  “Wait, are you saying that a girl who dresses a certain way is looking to get raped?”   “I think she’s asking for it, yes.”

It was that years-ago comment, from that “good Christian boy”, that served as my first glimpse into how desperately screwed up we are as a society.   Since then, I’ve seen it in countless ways in countless places.   It’s the victim’s fault.  Her skirt was too short.  She was showing too much cleavage.  She shouldn’t have smelled so good.  She shouldn’t have had on so much makeup.  She shouldn’t have been drinking so much.  She shouldn’t have been flirting so much.  She was a tease.   She. Asked. For. It.

This has to stop.  Now.   Is it any wonder that the majority of rape cases are never even reported?

This kind of victim-blaming attitude is not only hurtful, insulting, and incredibly disrespectful to women (and in particular to the 1 in 4 – through no fault of her own – who will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime), it’s also unbelievably degrading towards men.  Is this how little we think of our men?  That they are so driven by hormones and animal urges that it’s a good day if they can simply manage to get from point A to point B without raping someone?  That they’re no more than objects: walking time-bombs that will detonate at the slightest provocation?  That they have so little control over their thoughts and their desires and their bodies that us women better keep ourselves covered and invisible and plain, lest we make ourselves too tempting and tip them over the edge?

Most men don’t rape.  And those who do?  It is THEIR FAULT.  One hundred percent their fault, one hundred percent of the time.  Those boys in Steubenville did a vile, heinous, atrociously bad thing because they chose to do it.  Period.  And there’s no excuse for it.  Shame on anyone who says otherwise.  And if you’re one of those people who’s saying,  “Well yes, of course, they shouldn’t have raped her, but….”  you’re part of the problem.   There is no “but”.

It’s not okay to force yourself on a woman – or anyone – ever.

It’s not okay if she’s a stranger.

It’s not okay if she’s your best friend.

It’s not okay if she’s your wife.

It’s not okay if she’s wearing revealing clothes.

It’s not okay if she’s wearing NO clothes.

It’s not okay if she’s drunk.

It’s not okay if she’s unconscious.

It’s not okay if she’s flirted with you all night long.

It’s not okay if she’s said, “yes, yes, yes,” and then changed her answer to “no.”

It is never, ever, ever excusable, despite what this current culture might tell you.   And blaming the victim is never, ever, ever excusable, despite what this current culture might tell you.

When I talked to my own 16 year old about the case, and about the fact that kids were taking pictures of the abuse on their phones, his first question was, “Why didn’t someone use one of those phones to call 911?”  Why indeed.  And I don’t know the answer.

What I do know, without question, is that this problem – this grossly widespread problem of violence towards women – is not going away.  And until people stop blaming it on the victim and start placing the responsibility where it belongs … it never will.

(Visited 40 times, 1 visits today)

11 Comments

Filed under hot topics, rant

11 Responses to It’s Not Okay

  1. Anonymous

    My girlfriend was assaulted in college. She dresses modestly. Not just “modest,” but tznious. Orthodox Jewish Modest. If there was anything about her that made her attacker think “yeah, she’s the one I think I’ll attack,” I’d guess it was not her clothing, but her red-tipped white cane tapping in front her.

    And what I find most infuriating is that, even when it’s *that* clear cut. Even when it’s *so* obvious that people who choose to attack others are the ones making the destructive choices, that they target victims based on vulnerability (meaning they had violence in mind from the start) and not sexiness, I’m sure there are people who would argue that she still shares responsibility for her attack by making her disability obvious.

    Rape culture sucks.

  2. sylvia toyama

    I have a pretty good idea about why no other kids who saw the rape called — they were drinking, for which they’d have gotten no end of trouble. Also, being the one who calls a popular football player can be the death knell to one’s social standing in such a community.

    • You’re probably right. And that whole idea of being afraid to do the right thing because it could get you “in trouble”, or even worse, because it could ruin your social standing, is a whole other disturbing issue for sure. 🙁

  3. Tanja

    When these young men find themselves staring at a brick wall in prison I hope someone has this stuck to the wall. Yk, to help them figure out what to do when they’re relased. http://slutwalkphoenix.wordpress.com/how-to-prevent-rape/

    I’ve heard the young woman is receiving threats online. I’m horrified. But no, not shocked.

  4. SummerBloom

    Where did these monsters pick up such violent, nasty and disgusting attitude and outlook on life? Their parents, the School, their peers? Violent computer games, TV shows? When did they begin to even think about doing something like that?
    I feel so sad for the victim and her family – I know if anyone hurt my child, I know how I would feel. I truly hope she finds a way to move forward.
    The sad fact is that while these 2 monsters will serve time (12 months?) there are still others out there that share their views. There were other monsters, who just happened to be the people the victim trusted and thought were her friends.

  5. Michelle

    Speaking from experience NO One Would Ever Ask To Be Raped!! Thank you speaking out for this girl (and unfortunately for so many others) so clearly and with such conviction. I truly appreciate your words:)

  6. Victoria

    Elderly women in nursing homes and infants get raped. I worked in counseling and know this firsthand.

  7. Becky Barrett

    This story has made me sick from the beginning I got wind of it. The cover-up by so many adults who work for the school no less, infuriates me further. I am also appalled by the girls who verbally attacked the victim, all because she brought her story to light. Shame on our society for allowing this treatment of women. I feel like we have made so many steps backward when it comes to women’s rights.

  8. Alessia

    I feel the same way….these things make me sick to my stomach! It is horrifying to see what lack of love in a person’s life can take to….self-destruction through destruction of others’ peace and dignity! We need to pray a lot, and we need to stand out as a good example for the next generations, not covering, but uncovering hot topics such as this! Thank you, Jennifer, for speaking out!

  9. Pingback: Naked Pictures and Private Lives » The Path Less Taken

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.