I’m very tired.
I don’t mean that I’m tired right now as I write this (even though I am), but more that I’m sort of perpetually tired. I’m not complaining either. Just stating facts. I think that between being a full-time mom for 16 years, and having 4 busy kids, and a Mike and a business and a life, and being in physical pain for the past 11 months … plus the fact that I’ve been a chronic insomniac since I was 19, which basically means that I’ve been sleep-deprived for two decades…
Put them all together, add ice and stir: A person’s going to be a little bit tired.
I blame fatigue for the latest “mom phrase” I’m trying to strike from my vocabulary. But it’s no excuse.
The girl will ask me to play a game or do a puzzle or help her find something in her room, and before I’ve thought about it I’ve answered,
“Sure! In just a minute.” And then I take that minute to finish my email, read another paragraph of my article, wipe the crumbs from the counter, or just rest for a few. more. seconds. because the thought of getting up just feels like too much. And nine times out of ten we then do whatever it was she was requesting, and all is well. But that 10% of the time? She’s gotten tired of waiting for me, and moved on to doing something on her own. 🙁 And that’s not acceptable to me. It means I missed a moment. I missed another chance to connect.
And while, yes, there are certain circumstances where a “just a minute” is warranted (being behind a closed bathroom door comes to mind) most of the time, it’s just not. It’s not her fault that I’m tired, and it’s not her fault that I’ve once again spread myself too thin.
She’s more important than answering that email right this second.
She’s more important than having a clean counter.
She’s more important than finishing the article.
She’s more important than that 60 extra seconds of rest… rest that I wouldn’t need if I’d been taking better care of myself in the first place.
So a few days ago, I decided I would try to mindfully stop saying, “just a minute” unless I had a really good reason (and it’s amazing how very few good reasons there really are when you stop and think about it). When I hear that, “Mommy, can you…” I say “sure” without exception, and I mean it. I get up, and I follow through. No missed moments.
And perhaps not surprisingly, it’s making me happy, it’s making her happy…. and I’m not any more tired than I was before.
For me it is quality over quantity and if I can’t be well rested/well balanced for my time together with my family, I’m not worth nearly as much to them. I think it is important to be an example of how to take care of yourself, an example that moms don’t live only for their kids, that they actually love and respect themselves and their partners as well. I’d suggest getting some sleep therapy, taking a day off for the spa and not beating yourself up about missing 10% of the “moments”. That said, for me emails and countertops can definitely wait- but I can make time for sleep and facials 🙂
Well, I’m not a spa or facial person (and if I went to bed at 9, I’d never get to spend time with my husband :)), but I agree that self-care is important! Absolutely. I just want to make sure I’m being mindful about what I’m saying “just a minute” about. Like you said, emails and counters can wait.
I also guilty of saying “just a second” to my sons, and sometimes don’t answer their questions or play whatever game they are asking me to. I have to remind myself to turn the computer, tv, etc off and just pay attention to them. I so get the tired part and not being able to take care of yourself like you wish you could. Being a mother is hard work. Hang in there momma and take care.
Thank you! Glad to know that someone else gets where I’m coming from. <3
This is an interesting one, since I have so much trouble with transitions. Granted, I don’t have kids, but with my partner, “Give me a few minutes to transition” is a way of getting to “yes,” when my immediate internal response is “NOO! I’M WRAPPED UP IN WHAT I’M DOING AND I WANT TO DO IT FOREVER!!”
I have somebody in my life now who explicitly says, “When I ask you to do something, I mean ‘can you do this next time you’re able,’ not ‘drop everything you’re doing and do it now.’ It’s OK to do what you need to do first.”. Before I heard that spelled out, I wrestled with an enormous amount of frustration when I was asked to do something, (even something fun) because I would feel like if there was no good reason to say no, then I was obligated to say yes immediately. I would say no more often than was necessary, and when I said yes, it was tinted with resentment and bitterness.
Learning to say, “in a minute” has been enormously freeing, and has resulted in more “yes’s,” and more genuine “yes’s”.
I anticipate that my kids will hear “yes, but I need to wrap up what I’m doing, first” pretty often, and I hope to use to help make points about self-awareness, learning how to work with your own brain and needs rather than fighting with yourself, and respecting other people’s needs.
Thank you for sharing this perspective! I hadn’t thought about it in that light, and I’m sure there is some of that going on for me as well (I could very much relate to your, “I’m wrapped up in what I’m doing and I want to do it forever.”) Interesting.
Wow, I think you’re being too hard on yourself. I think this is a really beautiful part of being a family, the compassion and understanding that we get from each other. That most of the time we are full of love and eagerness to be together and play and have fun and laugh and that every now and then we are too tired, grumpy, sad, depressed…. fill the blank. And that with the people we love we don’t have to pretend or act like its any different. Personally I think you’re underestimating your daughter’s capacity with that guilt. Having said that, love your parenting philosophy and the awareness you are trying to build around mindful and conscious parenting. <3
Okay, I think that once again I’ve written a poorly worded post. 🙂 It’s not that I’m not allowing myself to feel tired, grumpy, sad, etc; or that I want to pretend that I’m feeling something I’m not. I just want to be more mindful about WHY I’m saying “just a minute” and whether or not I really need that minute, or if it’s coming from a knee-jerk reaction that doesn’t need to be there.
Also, like I said at the very end of the post, we’ve both been happier with the change…. so it can’t be anything but a GOOD thing.
I love that your trying to be as present as possible with your kids. I’m definitly guilty of saying “in a sec” and then forgetting all about it, so that’s something I’ve been working on lately 🙂