We were supposed to go to an unschooling conference next month. We’d bought our tickets and booked our hotel. We made arrangements for pet sitters. The kids were looking forward to meeting friends. Then, a few weeks ago, some murmurs about things such as dishonesty that had previously just been manifested as… waves, I guess you’d say… got further brought into the light and became a full-fledged tsunami. We didn’t know what it was all going to mean for the conference, but we knew that 1) it wasn’t something that was just going to go away, and 2) it wasn’t something we wanted to be a part of. So we ultimately decided not to go, and as per an announcement on the conference’s FB page, emailed to ask for a refund. I’m not sure we’ll get the refund, but as the weeks have gone by, I’ve become more and more convinced we did the right thing by pulling out when we did, regardless (especially since numerous speakers are now pulling out as well.)

I wasn’t going to say anything – publicly – about any of this, but as I said, it’s not going away. I don’t like that people have been hurt. I don’t like that other people are making sweeping generalizations about unschooling now. I don’t like that families who have been peacefully, quietly, and happily unschooling for years are being scrutinized with fresh and critical eyes. I don’t like that people who are new to the idea of unschooling are now freaking out and running in the opposite direction.

Because of those concerns, I finally posted this on my FB page:

Okay, my one and only tiny little comment on what’s going on in the unschooling world right now: Trust your own instincts. Trust your kids. Love your kids. Keep doing what you’re doing, and let everything else fall into place.

And then I got a comment (from someone who I think misunderstood my intention a little bit) that made me realize there is a larger conversation to be had. It said, in part:

I do think there are people out there that are desperately in need of guidance or assistance (maybe pertaining to unschooling, maybe life in general). It is quite appropriate for them to seek assistance. When someone offers paid services to guide and counsel, it is reasonable to expect that person to conduct themselves professionally. In these cases I don’t think it is okay to imply these folks shouldn’t need help in the first place and/or are wrong for seeking help.

There’s a lot to unpack from that comment, so I’m going to respond to each point one by one.

“I do think there are people out there that are desperately in need of guidance or assistance (maybe pertaining to unschooling, maybe life in general). It is quite appropriate for them to seek assistance“

I agree! If you recognize that you are in need of help in some way, whether it’s with unschooling or parenting or anything in between, seeking out said help is not only the appropriate thing to do, but the intelligent thing to do. When I was new to the idea of unschooling, I read, read, and read some more. Information is good.

“When someone offers paid services to guide and counsel, it is reasonable to expect that person to conduct themselves professionally.“

Absolutely. I think this is important, because it is one of the key reasons that I believe this entire issue can and should continue to be discussed. When someone puts themselves in the public eye as an expert, and sells services based on said expertise, the person who is handing over his or money should be able to assume and expect a certain level of integrity and professionalism. They should be able to reasonably expect that the person they are hiring will be authentic, honest, and upfront about who they are and what it is that they’re selling. When that doesn’t happen, it’s also entirely reasonable to expect that the person who has received the bad service will (rightfully) want to let others know.

“In these cases I don’t think it is okay to imply these folks shouldn’t need help in the first place and/or are wrong for seeking help.”

I’m not sure how I implied that, but it is almost the exact opposite of my intention. There is nothing wrong with wanting or seeking help. If anything, my words were aimed at those people who were feeling badly, feeling like they’d gotten “duped” (for lack of a better word), or feeling like it was their fault for trusting the wrong person. Seeking help and gathering information are both signs of strength, not weakness. It is NOT the fault of the victim! I want to empower people who are feeling lost and/or freaked out by all of this to know that they will be okay. That because they knew to ask for help that they have their family’s best interests at heart, and that they should continue to trust that, trust themselves, and trust their children. As parents, we are the only ones who ultimately make the decisions to put anything we may learn into practice with our family. We are the only ones who can choose to parent with more gentleness, kindness, and respect.

My family has been unschooling for awhile now. Some people think that since there is no distinguishing from learning and living that unschooling starts at birth… but I tend to agree more with those who say that unschooling can’t technically start until you have a child who is of compulsory school age, and you actually have something to opt out of. In either case, we’ve been unschooling for a decade or more. And during that entire time, there have been plenty of unschooling voices giving information, tips, and advice (for free) to anyone who wants or needs it… information that was helpful and relevant both before and after this recent storm:

Sandra Dodd’s site is gigantic, more than you could ever read, and includes her own writings as well as writings by many many others.

Joyfully Rejoycing, by Joyce Fetterol, is also a huge and wonderful site, filled with information about unschooling and parenting.

Pam Laricchia has put together an entire email series for those new to unschooling.

There are yahoo groups for unschooling (try Unschooling Basics or Always Learning), and many groups and pages on Facebook (Sandra’s group is Radical Unschooling Info, and/or if you’re a Christian try Christian Radical Unschoolers), several of which have been running for years and years.

Before someone looks at the recent goings-on and deduces, “Oh, unschooling is bad news” – which is something I’ve been pained to see happening more and more – I think it’s important to remember that regardless of what you might see or hear or read about happening, that lots of people have always quietly unschooled, and that lots of people will continue to quietly unschool… and that their kids and families are healthy and happy and learning and strong.

Are there “bad apples” as there are in any group of people? People who give bad advice or have bad motives or who represent unschoolers poorly? Even people who just plain shouldn’t be unschooling? Of course! I love going to unschooling conferences… I love meeting new people, and being inspired by great examples of kind, respectful parenting. But I’ll be honest. Yes, there are some people there who mistake unschooling to mean letting your kids do whatever the hell they want, whether it’s appropriate or respectful or damaging or not. This scares me a little, because that’s not unschooling. But I refuse to be deterred from something that I SEE with my own eyes working (and working well) in my own family. I refuse to be deterred by the actions of the misguided few.

When all of this finally blows over, I (along with lots of others) will still be here, still doing our thing. No matter what happens, unschooling remains a real, valid, healthy choice for so many many families, and it’s not going anywhere.