Yesterday, Mike and I celebrated 20 years of marriage.  Twenty years is a long time.  And as is often the case on these monumentous occasions, I’m finding myself doing a lot of reflecting, reminiscing, and nostalgic wallowing.  It’s funny though (funny in a happy, delightful, life-is-full-of-surprises kind of way) because none of the defining characteristics of my life right now are anything close to what I would have envisioned or hoped for twenty years ago.  In fact, in the grand tradition of the detours in life being far better than anything you might have planned, my life is in many many ways the total opposite of what I would have mistakenly chosen for myself.

Here are just eight points – of dozens – that I would never have believed if you’d showed them to me on a crystal ball on that day I said “I do” twenty years ago.

1. Living in Phoenix – I was a country girl, spending my formative years on 30 acres of animals and trees and trails.  For most of my life, I would have found the idea of living in (and driving in) one of the highest populated cities in the country TERRIFYING.   We lived in Worcester, MA for the first six years of our marriage, and I didn’t particularly enjoy it … so … Phoenix???  But that’s where we landed, and we’ve found happiness here.  Neither one of us thinks we’ll stay here forever.  We’d like to move north a little bit out of the city eventually, and I am still a country girl at heart, but we love Arizona, love the desert, love the openness, and love the life we’ve created here.  Moving to Phoenix was one of the single best and most defining decisions we’ve made for our family.

2. Being a Stay at Home Mom – Before I first got pregnant, I never wanted to be a stay-at-home mom.  It sounds strange to say that out loud, given the importance of the role it’s played in my life for the past 16 years, but I didn’t.  I never actually thought about it really… just assumed I’d have a great job that I wouldn’t want to leave, and would get right back to it after a standard-issue maternity leave.   But God had other plans for me, and I am so thankful for that! 

3. Being a yoga teacher – Yoga wasn’t on my radar as a young newlywed.  I was aware of the existence of yoga of course, but that was where it began and ended.  I never thought about yoga, was never interested in yoga, never tried yoga.  Besides, I was going to have some fancy, high fallutin’, big deal career.  When would I have time for the training?

4. Homeschooling – Yeah.  Homeschoolers were, you know, weird and stuff.  I would never. 

5. Parenting – Here’s the parenting knowledge I had before I actually was a parent:  I knew that I wouldn’t be the kind of parent who would pick my kid up every time he cried.  Or “give in” to a tantrum.  Or the kind of parent that would wear my baby or sleep with my baby (these kids need to learn to be independent!)  I wouldn’t be the kind of parent that would breastfeed in public, and I most certainly wouldn’t breastfeed a child who was old enough to be walking and talking.  Yes, I knew a lot back then. 

6. Dreadlocks – And four tattoos (and counting..) and a nose ring.  Nice girls didn’t do those things.  But guess what?  I’m still a nice girl.  And I like myself a whole heck of a lot better, because I realize now that you absolutely and unequivocally cannot categorize people by their outward appearance.

7. College – Nice girls DO finish college.  It was important to my parents, so by extension it was important to me.  But again, God had other plans for me.  My one college regret?  It’s not that I didn’t finish.  It wasn’t the right path for me.  No, my only regret when it comes to college is that I wasted as much time and money on it as I did.   I do occasionally think of going back sometimes (to further my studies of the things I realized I was passionate about after I left college) but if it’s not in my immediate future, that’s okay too.

8. Marriage itself – It’s strange.  It’s not that I didn’t think we’d be married for twenty years.  I did.  It’s just that it was through a young, naive, theoretical filter.  Almost like life was a fairy tale to be observed rather than lived.  “Of course we’ll be married in twenty years!  And life will be beautiful and lovely and we’ll all live happily ever after…”  I didn’t take into account the fact that sometimes life could be sucky and difficult.  Or that we’d go through phases when we didn’t really like each other very much.  Or that growing up and “finding yourself” whilst simultaneously being a wide-eyed, innocent, and broke (oh so broke) newlywed was hard.  Would one or both of us have bailed if we really knew what marriage meant, especially those first ten years?  I don’t know.  I hope not.

But I know this:  Twenty years in, I feel like I “get” marriage now.  Not as much as I’ll get it in another twenty years, or even another ten years.  But I get it.  It’s harder than the fairy tale, that much is true.  But my marriage, much like the rest of my unexpected and wonderful and beautiful and crazy life, is also better than the fairy tale.

So, so much better.

Here’s to the next 20 years, and whatever detours they may bring.