Phone Fear and “Real” Relationships

I saw this link about a dozen times on my various newsfeeds before I decided to watch it.   Titled, “Look Up”, its tagline reads that it’s a video “everyone needs to see.”   It would leave me “speechless” with its important message, it promised.  And if some of my friends were to be believed, it’d leave me in tears as well.  It’s heartbreaking!  It’s life-changing!

Well.

I hate to spoil it if you haven’t already watched it, but it didn’t leave me speechless.  It certainly didn’t make me cry. It didn’t break my heart, and it didn’t change my life.  Mostly, it just left me…. annoyed.

Designed to emotionally manipulate people into giving up social media, it was extreme, presumptuous, and steeped in fear.

Look up from your phone or you’ll miss your entire life!  You’ll never have a real relationship! You’ll never fall in love!  You’ll never have kids!  You’ll never see what it’s like outside!   I think my favorite bit was the part that showed a sad empty playground, because – of course – kids have lost the ability, desire, and skill-set necessary to play on the playground since the advent of modern technology.

In short, it is ridiculous, short-sighted fear-mongering.

One thing I will not argue is that relationships are important (absolutely!!), and that they need and deserve our full attention.  And I won’t deny that if anything is taking precedence over said relationships – no matter what it is – that it needs to be checked and evaluated.   This is true if it’s your phone, or your knitting, or a book, or your time spent at the gym.   Relationships matter.

But that’s where the author and I part company.  Because while he states (rather insultingly I might add) that any connection we make online or through the phone is not a “real” connection, I find that my connections are richer and fuller and more meaningful largely because of the aid of this new way of communicating, not in spite of it. Particularly as an introvert, the ability to be able to meet, talk with, and yes…. connect with other like minded souls in so many ways is a God-send.  Indeed, most of my and my kids closest confidants are those we mainly communicate with online.  Whether it’s Facebook, Instagram, Skype, or text, having someone there who you can reach out to in an instant is nothing short of a blessing;  not a curse.

Does that mean then, that we never see anyone offline?  (I’m purposely avoiding the oft-used term, “in real life.” IT’S ALL REAL LIFE.)  Of course not.  I love spending face-to-face time with family and friends.  I love playing outside, hiking in the desert, and camping in the woods.  I love going for long walks with my husband and my kids. I love joking and playing with the family around the dinner table.  I love pushing my daughter on the swings.  I love laughing over drinks with girl friends.  I love being a shoulder to cry on, and I love being an ear to listen.

I also love that when life circumstances or finances or geography prevents the above from happening in person, that technology helps provide the next best thing.

Just a few weeks ago, I made a new friend.   Tegan and Everett made fast friends with her children as well, and it’s been really lovely chatting and getting to know each other while we watch the kids splashing in the pool and jumping on the trampoline.

Know how we met?

She found my blog… which showed up in her searches for unschooling because I’ve promoted it through social media. Which I manage through my phone. Which, when she happened to meet another of my friends, made it super easy for the first friend to quickly contact me through text messages.  Which made it convenient to invite us both to her house at the last minute for a get together.  Where we exchanged numbers and emails so we could keep in touch.  Which promptly led to the aforementioned pool splashing and trampoline jumping.

I love my phone.  I love the internet.  I love social media.  I do.  They are truly blessings in my life, for which I am grateful.   They do not however, take the place of real relationships with real people, as this video suggests. Because what it fails to recognize as it attempts to shame everyone into giving up their devices, is that at the other end of that text, and on the other side of that screen…. is a real person…. a real friend, a real connection, a real relationship….  deserving of our attention just as much as anyone else.

(Visited 67 times, 1 visits today)

19 Comments

Filed under hot topics, Uncategorized

19 Responses to Phone Fear and “Real” Relationships

  1. ccbutterfly

    I was waiting for your blog on this because I knew you would put my disdain into far better words than I ever could. Thank you. When I watched the video, I saw many of the scenes in reverse. For example, the occasions in which I am sad and alone, but reach out through my phone, and poof, I have company; or the times when I saw something amazing but had no one to share it with — snap-describe-upload-share … and even my relatives on the other side of the country can share it with me. I enjoyed sharing the births of my children with those who could make it to the hospital, but now with social media I believe it is an amazing blessing that my immediate family in other states can “meet” their new relatives almost in real time. How is this a bad thing as it is shown in the video? I must say, though, there is one thing I abhor about social media: The drama feeding frenzy. Like when a person or a news outlet takes a video (like the one of the dad in Russia teaching his toddler to smoke) and throws it out there just to watch the people go crazy. This makes my head spin.

    I’m grateful to have connected with friends, old and new, as well as long lost relatives through social media. Like anything else, it can be abused. All things in moderation. Spare me the shame, though. My children are not neglected, nor do they text at the dinner table — which we share together every evening. Oh, and by the way, when we go to the park it is NEVER empty. Not even close.

    • Cara Rotering Jones

      You should totally make the video in reverse, that sounds so awesome – and just like how life really is (versus the ridiculousness they showed)

  2. Alexandra Souza Lima Polikowsk

    Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. Thank you for writing this. My blood boils every time I see a ‘technology is destroying society’ article!

  4. I agree. A better connected world. Friends I’d lost touch with from highschool, the military, and the old neighborhood being able to find me. Keeping up with family in Colorado, Missouri, Michigan, Illinois, Oklahoma and a few other states- and seeing them in pics and videos I never would have seen before…has somehow made the world worse off? I don’t get it.

  5. heathertruett

    Love it. All of it. I haven’t seen that vid. I’ll skip it.

  6. De Smith

    THANK you for being another voice on the side of reason. 🙂

  7. Dawn Pedersen

    Thank you so much for writing the blog post I’ve been meaning to write!

    I saw the first few moments of the video you refer to, and I was similarly bemused. I am part of a social group of mothers who met on Facebook, live around the world, and now run a group blog together. We meet in person when we can. When I visited Portland, Oregon in March (I live in California), I already had friends there thanks to our getting to know each other for a year online.

    Great post, Jen.

    Dawn Pedersen
    RespectfulParent.com

  8. Jamie O'Donnell

    AMEN. I have avoided the video as well because it’s a ridiculous idea that phones and media will damage our relationships in any way that isn’t already possible. Did people say the same thing about the telephone? Or mail? That we wouldn’t then stop in to see one another? What gives?

  9. Daniel Baker

    Bravo for your article, but I might suggest that we let the small minded that believe the original article leave their devices behind. They aren’t worthy of the technology, and are by far more likely to be the kind of people that encourage scam artists by being easy prey.

    Let the technological sheep weed themselves from our Internet, we will all be better off without them being the cause of legislation that ends up hurting those that know what the hell we are doing. 🙂

  10. Helen Helene

    This is actually a great post BUT I would not entirely denounce the video. There is no denying that social media has plenty of good too and has made connecting to others in the same boat possible (I found the autism community online) BUT there is definitely some truth to the video as well. It is much exagerrated but there are definitely people who have taken the social media a bit too far and it comes at the expense of real relationships and family. If you are not one of those, good for you!But there are definitely some people who needed to see this. I know it hit home for me and I’m not THAT bad I have 24 hours of NO technology whatsoever once a week and it’s the glue that hold family life together.That’s my 2 cents

    • katie r

      Yes! I agree the video was very one sided, i love the internet, my business in internet based and i am on it all day. But we have become so wrapped up in our phones! I had a birthday party for my daughter, she is 4, on Sunday and several people were looking down on their phones for a good part of it. When we do big family trips no one plays games at night anymore, they all go on their own iPad or phone. Maybe it’s that I’m the only one with little kids now, but it’s totally different. Sure all day we are swimming and boating and doing active things but whenever we sit and relax, everyone grabs their internet source. and while my kids love playing outside, it’s not like it was 30 years ago with kids playing. Many bring video games outside or play games based on video games. Imagination and play are suffering. When my older child is at a friends house they often play on a tablet, video game system or something similar instead of just playing. This i don’t like. So the video is a reminder for everyone not to let it take over, but to enjoy it for what it is.

    • Kkjorgo

      I think the message of the video is being lost also….it’s about balance and unfortunately, there are those who use technology to the extreme and become isolated from their surroundings. We recently travelled to Singapore and I saw it first hand. A large majority of the population walk around with their heads down looking at their phones, unaware of who or what is around them and walking into people as a result without any awareness of how it affects others. This is the side of technology which has worsened our society, but I agree, technology has improved our connectivity in a world where we live further from our loved ones and provides access to information never previously available. Pros and cons….like everything in life.

  11. Lisa from Iroquois

    There is the usefulness of technology and the abusefulness of it. Just like cars, and even televisions.

  12. fantum

    I didn’t watch the video, but as an educator I am not for turning everything over to technology and I see the negative side of technology. I believe there is a median. I know people that are on their phone constantly and their kids are ignored. Those people are letting life pass them by, but then there are other people who can make a balance. Again, I didn’t see the video, but I believe there is a balance in life. (One of my best friends I met online- I have never met her, she lives across the country from me.)

  13. Lisa Winfrey Read

    I couldn’t even watch the whole video. The friend who shared it on FB asked me if I liked it, and I told her I couldn’t stand the condescending tone and morose delivery and I knew where it was going and turned it off. Apparently, according to my friend, before the *best part* (where the narrator meets/doesn’t meet his future wife). What you say is correct– it is ALL real life, and it is my responsibility to be engaged in it. I can let things (like technology or books or sports) interfere, or I can manage all the pulls on me and be richer because of, not in spite of, all of them. Thanks for this GREAT post!

  14. Kyrie

    There are most definitely some serious pros to the advent of technology and social media. As another introvert, I completely understand the relief of having the ability to talk to people when you want, or to turn off your phone and be by yourself when you want to. And I love sharing funny things or special moments with people on instagram or Facebook, or just text messaging someone. It is fantastic. It is wonderful to text someone if you’re feeling alone in the world, to be able to have that immediate relief to heartache. Also, having moved a lot in my short time on this earth, I’ve only been able to stay in touch with most of my friends (and have reconnected with many) because of social media. On top of that, my family is scattered all over the globe. It’s absolutely amazing to be able to see pictures of my nephews in California, talk to my Aunt in Texas, or even talk to my family in Japan and Canada without having to worry about long-distance charges or trying to figure out a good time to talk because of the different time zones (and do all of this in one sitting, too!). However…I also know how addicting it can be. Yes, the video exaggerated things. Personally, I didn’t get the message that I’ll “never find love if I don’t put down my phone,” but I can see how it can be interpreted that way. And though it may have been a little much, at the same time it is a form of literary/verbal art. It is a topic the artist – or author/speaker in this case – is passionate about, and it is a message they want to share with everyone; and sometimes the only way people are able to accurately portray their passionate thoughts about a topic is by painting possibilities that others may not see. Besides that…I’ve hung out with people before who were glued to their phones most of the time – either texting, checking instagram, or messaging someone on Facebook. I have a couple good friends who nanny and babysit, and they all tell me about how they struggle to have the kids do anything besides play games on their iPad or watch TV. Most babysitters now get paid to have the TV babysit for them, while they text or play games on their phones – barely paying attention to the kids.

    No, technology isn’t “destroying society.” It’s done a ton of good. However, like everything, it has its downsides, as well. And I think because so many people appreciate technology and social media on such high levels, the author felt like he had to exaggerate things to make his point. Granted, this is merely a guess based solely on my own experiences with people and my own artistic soul, but I think it is a point to consider. A lot of people just don’t realize how much time they spend on social media compared to the time they spend talking to people in person. Some people are good at maintaining that balance. It sounds like you have a solid balance between the two. However, not everyone does…I say this only because…well, not to get too personal or anything, but most of my memories of my dad are of him in his “man cave” on his computer, and Heaven help us if we disturbed him. And I know he’s not the only one. So many people get sucked into to it. Not everyone, but there are many…both here in America and abroad.

    So…basically…I wouldn’t go so far as to call the video “fear-mongering.” I think it was meant to be a bit of an awakening for people who don’t realize that a relationship takes priority over technology, because sometimes the only way for them to realize it is by watching a video on the technology they spend so much time on. And I think it has been shared as often as it has been because it just made people stop and think, and maybe they realized that they’ve been spending more time socializing through texting than they have face-to-face, or they shared it because they know a few people who might need to stop and realize this.

    But, I definitely understand how you feel. Despite many negative experiences with technology, I’m also extremely grateful for it and the countless opportunities it presents.

  15. Rachel

    Brilliantly well said!

  16. Pingback: 2014 Top Ten » The Path Less Taken

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.