I have been sitting here at my computer, with my coffee, for a good 20 minutes. Type…. delete. Type… delete. I read something recently about someone being frustrated with unshoolers’ blogs, because they seem to make it seem all sunshine and rainbows ALL the time. Like there’s never a bad day. Like there’s never a struggle. Like the kids never bicker. That seems silly to me, really. Because no matter who we are, where we are, how our kids are educated….. this is real life. There are bad days. There are struggles.
Someone did an interview with me once for a college project. She came and spent the whole day at my house with me and the kids. She took notes, she asked questions, she watched what we were doing. I was able to read her paper after she’d completed it, and it almost made me feel embarrassed. It was lovely and well-written and thorough…. but she’d made it sound almost too good. And I mean, she did happen to come on a really good day. It was one of those whirly swirly flowing unschooling days where the kids were all doing cool things, they were all happy, and everyone was getting along. And I guess it’s fair to say that most days are good days, or we would have re-evaluated a long time ago.
Oh but there are tricky days too.
Tricky, tricky days indeed.
And if I can just be totally honest, the past month or so has kicked the wind right out of me. It’s not unschooling, or the kids, or really any ONE thing at all. It’s just…. LIFE. A series of stresses that have just piled up and up til the point that even the smallest of additions to the pile are making the whole thing topple.
I’ve been letting the stress win.
And I’m sitting here, and I’m writing this, and I’m thinking about someone who used to read my blog. She is a fellow Christian unschooler, and for some reason, she took great offense to some of the things I wrote. One of the things she complained about was that she claimed I was always complaining, and always negative, and had no JOY in Christ. Her final words to me on Facebook were that she “felt sorry for my kids and my husband for having to live and put up with someone like me.”
So why am I thinking about this now? Because this is what my brain does to me. When I’m low, it says, “Let’s see if we can get you lower! Let’s re-hash all the negative things that ever happened to you! It’ll be fun!” And off and away I spiral.
I don’t think she was right. I don’t think I’m always negative, or always complaining. I don’t think she needs to feel sorry for my kids and my husband (and I don’t think it was a very kind thing to say to a fellow sister in Christ, to put in mildly)
But I don’t think I’ve ever put on a false air of sunshine and rainbows either.
Life IS good. It also sometimes sucks. And it’s crazy and confusing and beautiful and wonderful and tiring. Things have been stressful, but it will be okay. It will always be okay.
” Her final words to me on Facebook were that she “felt sorry for my kids and my husband for having to live and put up with someone like me.”” Seriously, she said that to you? Wow! Apart from just being downright rude, it is so far from my vision of you. And I know we’ve never met in person, but we’ve got 17 years of knowing each other under our belts!
I’ve been thinking, too. I read a post recently where the mom “dropped the label of unschooling so she could focus on and support who her kid really was.” That is, he was maybe stuck, somewhat anxious, not feeling free and happy, because that was his personality.
I understood the shift she needed to make. And I do understand that because we are doing something very different, sometimes we show off the good days a lot, and struggle more privately with the hard ones. I have felt my online voice falter and sometimes feel a bit fake around that issue.
But it was unschooling that led me to be able to support who my kids really are — the cranky parts, too. It was the focus on relationship and feeling and connection — once I let that take priority, it didn’t matter how it looked (rainbows or mud puddles), it was just that it felt connected and real. That was where the joy came in, even if I was in tears.
So thanks for sharing this. It’s a big deal to share what unschooling is, and to share who our families are, all while still respecting privacy. Those lines aren’t always easy to discern. I’m not surprised that we have troubles in those areas. But we are trying, and that touches me.
I love your blog, I don’t think I’ve ever commented before but I usually link to it when people ask me about unschooling. Personally I don’t think I’ve ever published a negative post about unschooling, but I can’t think of any bad days we’ve actually had. Of course life is stressful and I do complain a lot. I’m worried about money, my dad recently passed away and I feel very low, I dislike my job and all the usual things… but I’ve never had a ‘bad day’ with the kids. I don’t know if it’s because they’re young (I bet when they are teens there will be bad days lol!) or what it is, but when I try and think of them bickering I can’t even remember the last time they argued. I guess what I’m trying to say is maybe some of those blogs don’t mention the bad times because they don’t really have very many, or they don’t seem very significant compared with the normal or exciting days? I’m all about telling it like it is and have posted a lot about stress, unhappiness, grief… but I’ve never had anything negative to say about unschooling or our day to day life with the kids (yet!)
“One of the things she complained about was that she claimed I was always complaining, and always negative, and had no JOY in Christ.”
Well, I’ve been reading your blog for over a year now, and certainly do not agree with that statement at all.
First) I love honesty. And I love stream of consciousness.
B) Clearly this is an example of you can’t win – you are TOO sunshine and rainbows for some and TOO negative nelly for others. Good thing all you have to do is be yourself!
and Thirdly 😉 Anyone who thinks that people who love unschooling are making things out to be “perfect” aren’t using their critical thinking skills. No one and nothing is Perfect – as you point out. But that isn’t a problem with unschooling per se – that is just part of being human. Just because we ASPIRE to something or have IDEALS doesn’t mean that we don’t screw up, have bad days, or snap at our loved ones. The cool part is that when we do things we can embrace the next moment and apologizing and learning from our mistakes and moving on <– all of which ARE part of unschooling. Learning without school. Loving without school. Growing without school. None of these things preclude being an imperfect human being.
Finally: I LOVE YOU! And whether you continue writing or decide to stop, you have already been an inspiration.
ps I do what whole thing too – thinking so badly of myself and spiraling into negativity. I think it may be a common issue. 😛
If you were all sunshine and rainbows, I wouldn’t read your blog. I have no interest in the perfect lives of others. They make me feel like a complete failure. I much prefer to know that we’re all in this together.
Wow, I have never gotten that impression from you. Yes, you are a blogger and sometimes deal with issues that have to be spoken about in a critical manner. And you seem genuine. Who can really be impacted by a blog that is all roses and butterflies? You challenge people to consider why they live the way they live. I have read way more inspiring things written by you than anything else.
It’s funny, pretty sure I read the same post and I almost messaged you and asked if you could write a post expressing the reason it is so wonderful to have a term like Unschooling. Also when I read that post I kept thinking, but Unschooling *is about* seeing our real children and supporting them the best we can. I for one am so grateful that when I started researching the term Unschooling because I’d finally followed the calling to homeschool but the way we were doing things was not working for us, that there was a word for this beautiful way of living. And I’m so grateful that the path led me to your blog where I’ve found such inspiration, wisdom, honesty and support. I’ve enjoyed reading the comments to this post also, really genuine and good descriptions of what Unschooling can be.
just wanted to say I’m sorry things are hard for you right now.
Thank you <3