Photo credit: Michael Cramer
A few days ago, I got a message from a new unschooling mom She had concerns about one of the most common things that trips up new unschoolers: “screen time.” This is a portion of that message, along with my response.
About 6/7 months ago we lifted all restrictions on screen time, in the past the kids were allowed to watch up to two hours of TV and that was about all the screen time they got. Now that they are not limited I feel like all they do is sit in front of a screen. It’s not just tv (or shows) but also games and such. I guess my problem is that they seem to have lost All other interests. I keep waiting for them to tire of it all but it doesn’t seem to be happening. More often than not they don’t want to leave the house to do activities. I offer them many choices and opportunities to do other things but they just don’t seem interested. I guess more than anything it makes me feel like a shitty parent for not being able to engage my children and truthfully, I miss them!! I freaked out a bit yesterday about the whole thing and took all screens away and we had a great day! They did things I haven’t seen them do in months and they enjoyed themselves. I want to help them be able to find some sort of balance, but I just don’t know how.
A few different things really stood out to me in your question. First, you only lifted your restrictions a few months ago, and it is so very, very normal for kids to “binge” on something that was previously limited. They don’t know when/if you’re going to take it away again. And if you (to use your words) freak out and take them away for a day here and there, it’s sort of like starting the process all over again. So their intense interest may still just be trying to get the most out of it in case you take it away again. Second, even though you’re technically allowing them to use those things as much as you want, you’re still carrying a lot of “baggage”, for lack of a better word, about them doing so. You’re waiting for them to tire of it, you’re wanting them to do something else, you feel like a shitty parent. That comes through as resentment, even if it’s unintentional.
It’s great to offer different things, keep the lines of communication open, make suggestions, etc. The problem comes in when you’re emotionally invested in the other options, instead of truly meeting them wherever they are – which in this case, sounds to be pretty darn happy watching TV and playing games. 🙂 When you say that you want them to find balance, you’re referring to what *your* version of balance looks like, ie: less screens, and their personal balance might be something very different from yours. And it might not be! But they’ll have a hard time finding it when they’re getting the message that what they’re choosing to do is somehow less valuable than what mom would choose for them to do.
My advice? Make peace with the screens. Recognize the joy and learning that they’re getting from them. Find out what they’re enjoying. Enjoy it *with* them. Stay close by so they can share with you. Watch their shows with them. Play their games with them. Bring them yummy snacks. Chances are, they *will* get their fill, and start taking you up on some of your other suggestions (once they feel more confident that their TV shows/games/computer will still be there for them when they want them) But in the meantime, how much nicer will it be – for you AND for them – to appreciate where they’re at and what they’re learning and what they’re finding enjoyable, instead of stressing out about it and wishing they were doing something else with their time? Don’t feel like a bad parent! Instead, use that feeling as an impetus to connect with them where they’re at.
They will be okay. And so will you. Give it time, and lots and lots and patience.
Think about your childhood. Did any of your most precious memories or experience come from a screen? With the exception of the time my parents woke us up out of bed and brought us to a late night showing of “Home Alone” in our pajamas…I can think of none. Our screen time wasn’t limited…it didn’t need to be because the amount of child centered media available was! Unless it was Saturday morning or before 10 am…there wasn’t anything TO watch. And Nintendo had only just become a thing.
To rob your children of the joy of tactile, sensory and enriching experiences is so sad. What a tragedy to replace their would be experiences with watching someone else’s on a screen. What a shame to allow them to gain cyber rewards in place of real life rewards. What a shame to have a one dimensional childhood. For every month that this mother allows her children to make damaging choices for themselves (because they are CHILDREN and need guidance), they are losing months of memories, bonding, accomplishments and lessons. I allow my children just about total freedom in their day within the healthy and safe boundaries we have in place (because as adults who love them, we DO know better and can’t expect them to make choices they currently have too little perspective in on all things). This means that they can pick one hour to use a screen. And they can use whatever they want within those parameters (ie we have certain websites blocked and choose to not have violent games in our home). Otherwise they read, practice and write music, play with one another, play outdoors, bake something, play board games, make arts and craft…. But these things would lose their appeal by the cheap pseudo-rewards of the screen if they had full access. How can real life compete with a hyper reality DESIGNED to addict? I want my children to learn and grow in to themselves, learn boundaries and risk and experience lots of things. But their childhood is precious. I will step in to preserve it from the multi billion dollar market who is waiting to rob them of it. If your children are the expectation. If they can play for an hour and walk away to read literature and learn Latin…that is amazing. But know that you are exception and not the rule. Every time you tell another parent to leave their screen addicted, binge watching kids alone you have stolen from them.
Well that’s a whole lot of assumptions from one little blog post. Where on earth did I say that my children aren’t having tactile, sensory, enriching experiences? They’re having plenty of all of the above, regularly. They love being outdoors, working with their hands, using their imaginations, exploring nature and music and art. It’s silly(and quite honestly insulting to my readers) to say that I have the power to “steal” anything from anyone. They’re all intelligent, thinking people who are quite capable of deciding for themselves whether they want to take my advice, or, as you’ve demonstrated, reject it completely.
And I actually never told anyone to “leave their kids alone” It was very much the opposite…. I told her to CONNECT with them.
You asked if any of our most precious memories came from a screen.
I felt the need to respond to this directly.
I am almost 44 and SO MANY of my precious memories came from a screen. I cannot even tell you how many wonderful memories I have of going to see movies with my normally neglectful father. I also cannot tell you how many hours I spent programming games in our first computer, or playing those games. My sister and I spent countless hours playing games in a VERY small room together. When we got our first video game console, we spent HOURS playing in front of the TV. I watched ALL sorts of music shows with my grandmother, Lawrence Welk, all of the specials that were out at that time. We watched countless musicals together any time they came on the TV. When we FINALLY got a VCR we rented and bought so many of those movies.
My first date was to see a movie, and every date after that involved seeing a movie. I have amazing memories around watching things on a screen. I watched Star Trek with my Uncle and bonded over the silliness of the show.
I have four girls, and each one has a love for the screen. We spend Mother’s Day together watching a movie of their choosing. We spend family nights watching movies together, sometimes ones they pick and sometimes ones from my childhood.
The screen has opened up some amazing conversations with my family. My girls go to a traditional school, and screen time is when they get to relax, and do what they want. Screen time is when we bond and spark conversations. Movies make us think and laugh and cry.
Memories can and are made daily by families, in front of a screen. The key here is that we watch these things together! I watch their shows, they watch some of mine. We talk about what they see, we talk about what they want to be based on what they see, we talk about everything, all while watching a screen!
Well this post was timely. I just finished about an hour of ‘lecturing/yelling/belittling/shaming/threatening/and being a complete Ass. After I calmed down, I apologized, recanted and asked for forgiveness. My precious boy (7) kindly forgave me. But the remorse remains. I feel bruised and I imagine he does too.
I am trying to be a better parent, more peaceful, more UNschool…my “baggage” is still firmly attached to my back, and I truly do not know how to pry it loose and burn it. Can you offer some help?
I know I have expectations of him such as respect, obey, etc…from my own childhood, and these I wish I could let go of. I feel like a failure no matter what I do. If I unschool, i wonder if I’m failing him by not ‘teaching’ him, actively the way I see other homeschool moms doing, yet I am committed to unschool him. I wish I could be sure that this unschool path would truly work and that he would actually learn what he needs to learn, you know? But when I try to traditionally teach
As to the topic at hand, unlimited screen time is always talked about in books as a negative thing. Have you found anything scientific to prove the “experts” are wrong? Those kind of things we read make us moms question the wisdom of unlimited screen time. I have not seen my son limit his screen time to two hours, but he does get bored with it, and begin playing with toys or goes outside to play all on his own. Just like us adults really.
I appreciate your blog and it helps to at least see another mom trying to walk this path. It’s pretty lonely out here in the real world. Thanks!
Tammy
Tammy, for me, my kids are all the proof that I need. 🙂 I mean, you can find studies to back up *anything*, from any side, but at the end of the day, there are no better teachers than our own children. Are they happy? Are they healthy? Are they curious and well-rounded and engaged? If I can answer yes to those questions, I know I’m doing right by them.
Jen, you are right. I need to stop comparing apples and oranges. I tend to doubt myself anyway. Maybe I can try one day at a time, to be intentionally connected and see if I can recapture my enthusiasm I had when he was a toddler. It’s the expectations of what “school” should be. I appreciate your support from your blog so much. I almost abandoned Unschooling even buying a monthly subscription to a curriculum involving sitting still at a table with workbooks! Ahhhhhhh! I got a refund within 2 weeks. What was I thinking! lol
How wonderful if we can just let go and live harmoniously… My 10 year old has been on YouTube watching movies all day. Late afternoon he came to me and said: “mamai voce e otimo!” He polished up on Portuguese in one day. We are traveling through Brazil in a few days and he must have thought it a good idea, as he has been helping me with Portuguese whenever I need to speak it… “No, mom, in Portuguese you do not say that.” Let alone the time when I confused Spanish and Portuguese and told the lady to through away my new clothes. I am so proud of him. He took initiative. He self motivated. He accomplished his own goal. I will be checking out some movies tonight.. Yeh, you guessed it. In Portuguese. He inspires me!
Nice! I love it when they spontaneously start learning/becoming interested in other languages from something they’ve been watching. 🙂
Read the plug-in drug and, better still the last child in the woods.
Take the screens out of your house and there is no longer a battle.
You can have the best of both worlds: no fighting/guilt/controlling behaviour AND children who don’t get addicted to screens.
Now I feel like there will be a comeback of “well you ARE controlling them if you don’t have screens in your house to avoid screentime.” My rebuttal to that is the fact that lots of people don’t have trampolines in their homes. Kids love those. If you don’t have a trampoline inside your house then you must be controlling, too.
Or I might hear from you that “you are depriving your children of something that is so vital and prominent and necessary in today’s society by not having screens in your home.” My rebuttal to that one is the fact that we don’t need screens to survive. I grew up without them. I’m 28. I am just fine. I don’t have a cell phone or an iPad. And guess what?! I type this on a library computer. Fantastically enough, we all get by without texting and horror movies and instantly available information.
It’s really pretty simple, and as parents we lead by example. Ditch the screens, and your kids will, too.
I love learning ancient crafts. My favorites are Naalbinding, which is a single-needle form of knitting that’s over 2000 years old; and sprang, which is the oldest known form of weaving and dates back to the bronze age.
You know what their aren’t many books about?
Crafts few people have heard of.
I learned both mostly from youtube.
The naalbinding ones are especially nice, because people make a point of demonstrating each motion very clearly, often without speaking, so they’re accessible to people who speak any language.
Oh great points! I tend more towards books/written words to learn, but YouTube is invaluable for so many things. I love that I can search and find a tutorial on everything from makeup application to cooking to crafts when I need it. My kids are big YouTube fans. They have learned so very much from watching it…
Can you clarify for me why the original letter stated that she had unlimited screen time for 6-7 months, but then wrote she had only done it for a “few” months? A few in my mind is 2-3 or 3-4 on the outside. At what point of time, in your estimation might this very valuable experiment turn in a bad direction. I think it’s wonderful to go on a life changing adventure such as a Sanda Dodd inspired limitless learning one, but NO WhERE have I yet to read from someone who advocates for no limits, also be able to humbly and responsibly identify a child who is suffering because of it.
Surely, if we are on this adventure, there are some safeguards in place-some signs-that tell us that we are off track. Just because it works for your kids is not complete in the discussion. What do we say then for those it doesn’t work for, how can we even tell the difference.
I would like to take the plunge but I cannot yet, until someone in the unschooling (no limits to screens) community can admit that for SOME this could be a problem and to define it. If not then you are saying it WILL work for everyone, even with proof that it does not.
If not 6-7 months, how long ? 6-7 years? Somewhere in between. When?
Truely looking for answers.