Photo credit: Mindaugas Danys

Chelsea asks:

How can I move past my children calling me, “mean”?  I’ve stopped yelling, and I’m working to be a more gentle parent.  But my four year old gets very aggressive when he’s excited or disappointed or angry, and he lashes out at me.

First, awesome job on quitting the yelling!  It takes work to break old, ingrained habits, especially when they’ve become the default response in stressful/frustrating situations, so moving beyond that is a big hurdle in and of itself.

Your son’s lashing out could very well be a subconscious reaction to your new style of parenting, especially if these changes are recent (Ie:  Mom’s not yelling anymore.  This is new. Will THIS make her yell?  What if I say THAT?)  He could be adjusting to the new normal, testing out the safe boundaries, and assuring himself that yes, you’re still going to be calm and patient even when he’s not being calm and patient back.  As time passes, he will become more confident in your relationship, and more comfortable with the fact that he doesn’t need to resort to lashing out in order to be heard.

-OR-

It could simply be due to personality, and/or a normal developmental stage.  Even the most mild-mannered of my children went through a stage at around 3 or 4 years where they were more angry, argumentative, and prone to things like eye-rolling and disapproval with me in general.  That age is a huge age for asserting independence and autonomy, and for figuring out who they are both within the family, and separate from Mom and Dad.  They’re not babies anymore, but they’re not yet big kids either.  One minute they want to be cuddled and rocked to sleep, and the next they want to run across the street with the “big kids.”  Their feelings are big, and often confusing or scary, and they need a safe place to let them out.  It’s hard to be a kid sometimes.

So how do you handle it, in either case?

In short:  Patience, understanding, and consistency.

Even though it may feel personal, it’s not.  It’s not about you at all (unless you really are being mean :)).  It’s about your child and his big feelings.  What he needs when he lashes out at you is to feel safe and heard.  When he yells at you or calls you mean, first take a breath (or a few) so that you can answer calmly.  Sometimes when the moment is especially heated, I’ll deliberately lower my voice to just above a whisper.  It ensures that I’m not yelling, and it helps both my child and myself calm down, as well as work to start diffusing the overall situation.

Some people will tell you to ignore it when your child says something negative/unkind to you, but I’m not a fan of ignoring children…. especially during a moment when what they’re needing is connection!  It’s also not particularly helpful in terms of learning about resolving conflicts, standing up for themselves, or working through issues in their relationships.  I think that your children need to know that you’re “all in”, even when they’re being unkind.

Once you’re able to answer calmly, you can let him know that you’re there to help, and that you’re not going anywhere:

Child –  “YOU’RE SO MEAN!”

Mom –  “I’m sorry you feel that way.  You sound really angry.  What do you need me to do to help you?”

Sometimes, a calm conversation is enough.  Sometimes, the child really is just that angry, and needs to run around or punch a pillow or go outside and yell.  If it’s not anger, but disappointment or excitement instead; the same principles hold true.  The goal is to work with – not against – your child, to help him find safe and appropriate outlets for expressing his feelings.

If there aren’t extenuating circumstances, it really will get better with time, patience, and love. And if it helps for commiseration sake, my child who most resembled yours at age 4, is now the most laid-back, calm, and tender-hearted teen you’d ever hope to meet.