Mom Guilt, And Why You Need To Lose It

Photo Credit:  Nina H

Photo Credit: Nina H

Last week, another blogger whose opinion I greatly respect and admire, posted an update that read in part:

I will never, ever forgive myself for allowing my precious baby to be circumcised. I don’t believe I should ever be forgiven by anybody for it. The buck stops here.

I genuinely think it was the first time I ever disagreed with her (which is exactly what I said when I commented). She and I both share the same – very real – regret.   It is my biggest parental regret to be sure.  I’m thankful we were given the opportunity to make different decisions for our younger boys.

But I’ve forgiven myself.

I believe very strongly that you have to forgive yourself if you want to be a healthy and vibrant and positive parent….. whether your regret is an unnecessary cosmetic surgery, or inadvertently snapping at your daughter when you were sleep deprived.   You simply cannot be the parent (or the person, for that matter) you were meant to be if you stubbornly refuse to forgive yourself for your offenses.

Forgiving yourself does not mean you’re letting yourself off the hook.  It does not mean that what you did is suddenly okay.  It does not mean that you’re not taking accountability for your actions.

It means:

to give up resentment against.  To stop wanting to punish.  To stop feeling angry or resentful for an offense, flaw or mistake.

In other words, it simply means you release yourself from the negative and destructive feelings – you guys, these feelings are so destructive! – about the event in question.  It means that you show yourself grace… that you recognize you’re a human being who makes mistakes, and that you deserve to conduct your life without carrying around a heavy burden of guilt.  No good ever comes from guilt.

If you let guilt take residence, it eats you from the inside.  When it remains unchecked, you become that guilt.   Everything you do, say, and feel is then filtered through that guilt.  It colors everything.  It darkens everything.  It affects the way you interact with yourself, with the world around you, and with your children.

When my kids make mistakes (and they do make mistakes, because they’re human), I don’t want them to ever live under guilt.  Self-reflection, yes.  Self-responsibility, yes.  But never guilt. So it’s not something I want to model for them.   I don’t want my children seeing mom view life through a lens of guilt.  I want my children seeing mom owning her mistakes, learning from them, and doing better the next time.

I want to tell my kids,

You’re not a product of your mistakes.  You’re a product of your triumphs.

Our mistakes teach us.  They help refine us.  They help shape us.  But they do NOT define us. Living under guilt and failing to forgive ourselves for our mistakes makes our life become about the very mistake that we want to move beyond.  And how can you ever truly grow and heal and move beyond a mistake if you refuse to release it? (Spoiler:  you can’t)

Guilt does not serve you.  Guilt is self-centered and narcissistic.  It wants to steal from you.  And as long as you allow it to stay, it will do exactly that.

If you’re going to offer your children grace, and kindness, and forgiveness (and I’d like to believe that if you’re here reading this that you do in fact want to offer those things to your children), you need to first extend it to yourself.

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12 Comments

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12 Responses to Mom Guilt, And Why You Need To Lose It

  1. Autumn Bishop

    Jen,
    I enjoy reading your blog. Although I don’t always agree with everything it challenges me to think in new ways. I am writing to say that my ideas about parenting have shifted a lot since my kids were small in large part to being open to voices like yours. This has inevitably led to a ton of mom guilt for me. The worst part is the tone of some of the messages and on your page as well. You say you are against shaming and yet that is how a lot of your posts about parenting that you disagree with come across. I am getting a thicker skin and better perspective, but I do have to balance and limit my diet of some of these blogs that have led me to have overwhelming guilt. Recently my 15, now 16 year old son learned he’d been circumcised and the hateful messages toward parents that he’s seen on the web, combined with his new philosophical and medical beliefs against it have been very traumatic for us. He says he does not blame me and I have expressed regret and let him know I honor his feelings of loss. However, he reads things about boys saying their circumcision led them to reject their moms, not be able to breastfeed, etc….Well, I reassured him that he and I were incredibly bonded, he nursed like a champ and on and on and not to read to much into anecdotal accounts were we do not know of any other factors. There is little balance out it, it’s generally entrenched biases and hatred on one side or the other. I am not saying you have done this on this subject, but, the appalled, shocked and disgusted nature of the reactions from you and many commentors on other topics such as the “stuff box”, etc….aren’t very productive. I mean if you are guilty doing something absolutely destructive and appalling if you’ve employed similar methods to the “stuff box” in your family how much more horrible are you if you’ve done something completely irreversible as circumcision? There is not allowance for the whole. I disagree with a lot of what my mom did, but I could put it in perspective of a whole and general amazing things that her overwhelmingly good intent and truly loving me shaped me into a well adjusted person. I am afraid that some of this holding up of the ideal of parental perfection and in cases where you didn’t have it how damaged you are as a fine line to walk in terms of creating issues with kids about how victimized they are simply because their mom had a “stuff box”. I know adults that are not served by recounting every mistake their parents made, endlessly, and blaming all their problems on such. I know many moms that would do this box thing and on the whole I find their children are incredibly blessed to have amazing lives, upbringing and parents. I think these things need to be discussed in context. I just feel your appeal and influence would be so much broader with a more Christian and less judgmental, but rather educational and helpful, approach. This article is a good start. I do thank you for posting and writing it.
    Sincerely,
    Autumn

  2. jen

    You know, judgmental is one I get a lot. Daily in fact. But telling a stranger they ought to be “more Christian” is cruel and, ironically, incredibly judgmental. It’s funny how everyone bands together to disparage me for how they feel I’m treating others, yet there is no similar outrage for how *I’m* treated. People figure it’s fine to treat me as unkindly as they’d like.

    • Autumn

      Point taken. I agree with you I should not have brought up Christian aspect. I apologize for that. I hope that didn’t obscure the things I shared. I do agree with your alternate wording for the stuff box. Actually, it was brilliant and I intend to try to incorporate that attitude and type of approach more. I guess it just touched a nerve with me how strong and personal and all wncompassing so many of the comments that were directed at those promoting the original box meme were. That and this article about forgiving yourself and mom guilt sort of all created a perfect storm on incongruity in me. So, I wrote rather off the cuff, which is a temptation that lends itself to this medium. I should have written first for myself, sat on it and edited before posting. By nother doing so my message gets lost, feeling like an attack (not unfairly) and I am not being an effective coommunicator. I hope you got what I was saying about how social media can compound mom guilt. Thanks for responding and reading my comments.

      • jen

        Thank you, for the gracious response. For my part, I know that I’m admittedly extra sensitive due to the higher-than-normal volume of personal attacks over the last few days. Please know that I do read, reflect on, and take to heart all feedback and constructive criticism.

  3. Autumn

    Thanks for overlooking the typos in that last comment as well! Sigh….hate that, but I wrote that last one on my phone. You’re awesome! I have been working on being sensitive for years, literally my goal is not taking anything personally, haha. Being sensitive has pros and cons. Being that you are, I would imagine that’s part of why you are also very insightful and have a big heart for kids. Have a great evening.

  4. Carla

    I’m sorry you’ve been under personal attack again. So not cool. Much love!!

  5. Jen

    You are so right. I have to do more work on this. I just cannot get the vision of *him* out of my head. It pops in at the most unexpected times, and truly overtakes me. I see what you mean though, that I have to move out of the guilt stage- I have been able to do that with so many other things. I’ve used those opportunities for growth and improving my relationship with my kids. I have a lot to reflect on, because God knows, I would somehow love to not feel this way anymore.

    As always, thank you for your thoughts Jen. I am so sorry about what has been happening on your page. I have not seen the comments myself, but I can imagine. Thinking of you <3

  6. Randy

    “The Four Agreements” by don Miguel Ruiz. I could say more but sometimes others just say it better.

  7. Jennifer Shay

    I believe that we do the best we can with the information we have. It’s a we can do. I always feel sad when I see parents beat themselves up for doing things they thought were right at the time. 🙁 You can’t know what you don’t know!

  8. Jen this is exactly how I feel about Mom guilt – it’s so destructive and gets in the way of the relationship with your children. I think a lot of mums can get stuck in the guilt stage because it’s really really hard to take responsibility, apologise, and move on…

    I don’t ever feel judgement from what you write – I feel love and strength and that you are exploring options that can help people build a continually better relationship with their children – I don’t ever feel like you are saying that people are doing a bad job and SHOULD do better – just sharing your thoughts and suggesting a path for those who WANT to do better. And we can all continue to improve, no matter how well we are doing. Which is why it is really important to not feel guilt for the things we have already done, because I think it really does prevent us from improving.

    I know not every parent wants to improve their parenting and/or their relationship with their kids, but I do, and I love reading your writing and it helps inspire me every time.

  9. Jennifer

    Thank you for this. How do you forgive yourself and let go of guilt? I keep reliving the torture my son went through whenhe got circumcised. And I wonder how long he cried and if he had nightmares and thought Jed be tortured again. How do I let go and forget? Thank you so much.

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