Carrie asks,

What are your suggestions when the other parent isn’t on board with unschooling and gentle parenting?

First, an example of what not to do:

Several years ago, my family went to an unschooling conference in San Diego.  We’d been unschooling for many years, but the inspiration and experienced words you hear at conferences often gives you the little push you need to take it to the “next level.”   I’d heard something that really resonated, and I was all pumped up and excited in my resolve to further support my kids in their autonomy.  Unfortunately,  I sometimes have trouble toning down the “pumped up and excited” and have a tendency to jump headfirst, and expect everyone else to jump with me. Anyway, we went to lunch late that day.  We were all starving, and probably a little bit grumpy, and there was some sort of issue with one of the kids and what they wanted to order.  I – in all my new-found wisdom – wanted to handle it one way, and my husband wanted to handle it another way.   I (in retrospect, most likely not very kindly) said something along the lines of, “Remember what so-and-so just said??  That’s not respectful!  We need to give him more of a voice!  We need to do it this way!”

My husband immediately – and understandably – told me to relax please, that changes took time, and that I couldn’t expect him to immediately overhaul his parenting techniques.  And he was right. (He’s often right.)

So, first, I recommend not picking a fight in the middle of a sandwich shop.  Changes do take time, and you can’t expect them to happen overnight… or, in the case of my own lofty and misguided expectations, in 30 minutes.

The heart of a successful, peaceful, cohesive unschooling family is a strong, healthy relationship between Mom and Dad.    That’s where it starts.  Not in a “united front” against the kids kind of way, but in a loving, connected, “we’re both on your side” kind of way.  Even parents who are no longer a couple need to work together to peacefully and respectfully co-parent as a team. Unschooling will not work if there are major disagreements between parents that have been allowed to become an area of contention between both parties. The relationship needs to come first.

On a practical level, let him see through your actions the benefits of what it is you’re wanting to do.  Be the kind of gentle parent that you want to be.  Don’t bombard him with information, but share when/if he’s receptive, in a way that’s appropriate to his style of learning (some people do better with reading, others with watching, others with listening, etc).  Wait until everything’s calm and peaceful to bring up the tough subjects. Don’t accuse.  Listen to what he has to say. Decide what areas you can compromise on, and what areas will really be a non-negotiable. I could personally compromise in a lot of ways if it meant keeping the peace in my relationship – and by extension, the peace in the family –  but I wouldn’t compromise on spanking, for instance. There would be no circumstance where that would be okay with me.

Give it lots of time, and give him lots of grace.  Treat him with kindness. Be patient.

And whatever you do, don’t broach the subject when one or both of you is hungry.