Kids, Profanity, and The Real Bad Words

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I have two childhood memories related to swearing.  To set it up, I have to say first that I was a GOOD kid.  And when I say, “good kid”, I don’t particularly mean that in a positive way.  I was a perfectionist.  I was a people pleaser, often to a fault.  I cared too much what others thought of me.  I didn’t want to cause any problems, didn’t want anyone to be mad at me.  Swearing in any capacity was so far outside of my realm of consciousness that it was almost inconceivable.  Nice girls didn’t do that.

And then one day I got really mad at a tree.  I have zero recollection about why I was mad at a tree (knowing me I’d probably just accidentally walked face first into its trunk) but I was mad. Like, really really mad.    So I swore – or at least, what I considered a swear at the time – for what I believe was the first time in my life.   What I said didn’t even make sense, as inexperienced as I was with the practice.  I knew I wanted something stronger than, “Stupid tree!” , and probably meant to say, “Damn tree.”  But, no…. what I said, with great gusto I might add, was “This hell tree!”  Thirty something years later, the writer in me cringes.  Anyway, my sister, who was clearly in a “let’s make each other’s lives miserable” instead of a “let’s be best friends” phase, immediately reacted with shock, followed rapidly with an “I’m telling Mom!!!”   Feeling instant remorse, and wanting to beat my sister to the punch, I immediately ran to my mother, almost in tears.   “Mom……”  Sad face.  Ugly cry.  Self flagellation.   “I said a bad word… ”  She responded with something along the lines of, “Well, as long you’re sorry, and you know not to do it again…..”   and then it was over.  The lesson learned?  Profanity – even the most awkwardly and incorrectly used mild profanity – was indeed highly shameful, and was not to be repeated.

A few years later, I read a book by Judy Blume called Forever.  I don’t know if anyone remembers that book, but it was a big. deal. when I was a tween.  It was a coming of age story, an account of a girl’s first sexual experience, and the kind of book that we whispered and giggled about in the hallways.  I hid my copy in my book bag. There’s a scene in the book where the main girl’s younger sister says the word, “fuck”, and her sister responds like a big sister and scolds her, and the younger girl basically says, “That’s not a bad word. Hate and war are bad words, but fuck isn’t.”   It seems silly now, but that simple quote pretty much blew my naive little 12 year old mind, and forever colored the way I viewed profanity.  Hate and war are bad words. Fuck isn’t.  What if it really wasn’t a bad word?  IS there such a thing as bad words? (I’ll get back to that question later.)   I basically decided then and there that I agreed with this fictional character:  They’re just words.   But because I was still such a people pleaser, it would be many more years before I would experiment with using any of them myself.

These days, though my blog generally stays by-and-large profanity free (for no other reason than I just don’t usually feel like I need to use them)  I do use stronger language in “real life”;  at least when I’m around trusted friends, and/or in the safety of my kitchen.  I’m not so much a fan of the F word as I am of variations of the word, “ass.”  Ass waffle is a current favorite.  I realize that it sounds juvenile, but perhaps it’s in homage to the poor girl who couldn’t bring herself to say the word “hell” without bursting into tears.

My kids, who I swore would not be brought up to be ashamed of everything like I was, all generally choose not to swear. Sure, they’ve experimented here and there, and they’re always free to ask questions, but we’ve just never made it a big deal…. so it never became a big deal.

They’re just words.

Sometimes I use them.  Sometimes their dad uses them.  We’ve had an open and honest dialogue about language their entire lives, just like we have about everything else.  Here are a few things I want my kids to know about swearing (besides the number one rule:  If you’re going to use one, at least use it correctly.)

In no particular order:

1. It’s always kind and respectful to think about the people around you.

(AKA Don’t swear around grandma) The language you choose should be a way to express yourself, not a way to hurt or horrify other people.  Being aware of your surroundings matters. Time and place matters.  How you treat people matters.  Don’t use your words to hurt others, and don’t be so inflexible with your language that you fail to be polite when the situation calls for it.  Having said that…… :

2.  The person who’s ultimately in charge of what you say and how you say it is YOU.

I spent a lot of years letting other people make my decisions.  As an adult, I won’t do it anymore. The thing you need to understand is that there is a BIG DIFFERENCE between being kind and mindful of the people around you, and living your life for someone else.  The first is always a good idea.  The second is never a good idea. The words you choose to use… whether you’re angry and frustrated or happy and excited… are yours. You get to choose how you want to express yourself, and how you want to represent yourself in any given moment.

3.  Not swearing doesn’t automatically make you virtuous.  Swearing doesn’t automatically make you cool.  

Being yourself makes you cool, wherever you may fall on the continuum.  I know kids and adults alike who like to use certain language just for shock value, just as a part of a put-upon persona. And yes, everyone’s choices are their own, but in my humble opinion, swearing when it’s not authentic to you doesn’t make you sound cooler or tougher or more badass.  It just sounds silly and disingenuous.   Likewise, saying something benign like “oh darn” when you really want to yell, “shit!”?  You’re not fooling anyone.  Be yourself, and be REAL…. in word, thought, and action.  To do otherwise is like using big words just to sound smarter.  It doesn’t work that way.

4.  You can’t judge a person’s worth/intelligence/moral standing based on whether or not they swear.

I have heard people say that profanity makes a person sound less intelligent, and/or like a “bad” person in some way.  Both are nonsense.  Making that kind of snap decision about someone you don’t know is a reflection on you, not them.  Some of the kindest, biggest hearted, most intelligent people I know have mouths like sailors, and if I’d written them off based on their language choices I would have been missing out!   I want my kids to judge people on their HEARTS, not on how proficient they are with the F word.  I want my kids to know that a good and loving message peppered with profanity is still a good and loving message.  I want my kids to realize that most words are actually neutral, and that it’s how you use them that may make them good or bad.

Which brings me to:

5.  If you must categorize words as good and bad, place the blame where the blame is due.

The real bad words are words that are unkind and hurtful.  Words that make fun of someone else.  Words that aim to cut someone else down.  Words that disparage a person’s intelligence, appearance, worth.  Words that are racist.  Sexist.  Misogynistic.  Homophobic.  Words that are hateful.  Those are the bad words.

I think of this a lot when I think of the people who’ve been unkind to me because of something I’ve written on my blog.  I’ve been sworn at.  I’ve been called disgusting things.  People have used all different levels of profanity to express their displeasure at my existence.  But the one that stands out the most, the person who expressed the most hatred towards me…. was someone who would NEVER use profanity of any kind.  She actually liked to use bible verses, and lots of emoticons, and flowery, “good” language.  And yet she was more hurtful towards me than I think anyone’s ever been, right up through her parting shot of, “I feel sorry for your husband and kids for having to live with someone as awful as you” before I finally decided I’d had enough and blocked her.   Her words dripped with hatred.

You don’t have to use “bad words” to use bad words.

And absolutely, the two things are not mutually exclusive by any means.  I have some lovely, dear friends who would never speak unkindly to someone, AND who’d never use profanity. Friends who likely cringed through some of the words in this post.  (Sorry.)  I respect and so admire you for being true to yourself…. and also for your ability to be able to tell a whole complete story without having to punctuate it with a four letter word.  I love you, and I love who you are.

But.

if I had to choose between spending time with a person who was unkind and used “clean” words,  and a person who was loving and happened to use salty language?

I’d choose the latter.  Every.  Damn.  Time.

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4 Comments

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4 Responses to Kids, Profanity, and The Real Bad Words

  1. As always, you are spot on, Jen!

  2. Elizabeth

    Jen, I appreciate your writing so much! You often put into words things that I have been thinking or feeling, but I am not able to put into complete thoughts. Thank you.

  3. Janet Person

    Jen, you’ve just made me rethink my attitude towards swearing. Thank you for expanding my mind. While I consciously strive to express myself in a coherent, respectful manner, every now and again, the f-bomb is the only thing that is going to work! I really appreciate your perspective and look forward to your blog posts.

  4. Lisa from Iroquois

    Ahhh the memories. I swear occasionally, not often, and I do it more often when I’m around other people that swear. In general conversation I just don’t figure it does much for whatever point I am trying to articulate. It tends to show a lack of vocabulary if that’s all you can come up with. This morning your post took me back to my youth. I remember getting caught swearing and being threatened to have my mouth washed out with soap. I countered with the argument that I should at least be able to use the swear words from the Bible, surely that was a reasonable compromise. My mother did not agree.

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