Photo Credit: Cal Sr

Last Wednesday, a young white supremacist by the name of Dylann Roof entered the historic Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church in Charleston, South Carolina.  He sat with (and was welcomed by) its members for a Bible study, after which he committed a horrific act of hatred and racism by shooting 10 of its members.  Nine of those members were killed.

And as the country mourns and the national conversation once again turns to larger issue of systemic racism, I struggle to find the words.

I don’t understand.

I want to, but I don’t.  I can’t.

I’ve learned something in trying to talk about this since Ferguson and Baltimore.  I’ve learned that while the conversation is indeed a vital one to be had, that if I’m going to understand – even begin to understand – that I need to do less talking, and more listening… particularly as a white woman.

So much more listening.

I’ve learned that saying things like, “I just don’t see people as black and white”, while well intentioned, doesn’t help,  because it disregards the very people who have experienced, and are experiencing, the very real effects of racism in our country based on the color of their skin.  It disregards people, and it disregards history.

I’ve learned that having good intentions doesn’t abdicate my responsibility to learn more, and to do better.

I am disgusted and saddened, not just by the violence in Charleston, but by the overall state of racial injustice in our country, injustice that some people still fail to recognize.  It’s real, and it’s hurting people.  In my frustration, I know I haven’t always gotten the words right.  For that, I am deeply sorry.

I’m trying.  I’m learning.

My heart and prayers go out to everyone who lost loved ones in Charleston, and to the community, and the country, that is rallying behind them.