Photo Credit: Ivo Ivov
I’ve been sick for the past six months.
I’ll spare you my laundry list of symptoms, both because it’s boring and because I’m so tired of thinking about it, but they concerned my doctor enough to order a CT, an ultrasound, and blood work, and eventually led her to send me to an oncologist. HE was concerned enough to order still more blood work – 12 vials in fact – and a whole-body PET scan.
None of the above gave us any answers. On paper, I’m the healthiest sick person that ever lived. My next step is an infectious disease doctor, not because anyone really thinks I have an infectious disease, but because they do the kind of detective work necessary to diagnose these weird and hard-to-figure-out whatever-the-heck-this-thing-is that’s been making my life miserable since last spring.
It’s frustrating feeling terrible and limited every day and not knowing why. It’s even more frustrating to feel like you’re going through it all alone. This summer was truly one of the loneliest summers of my life. And that doesn’t sound right, does it? Feeling lonely in a house full of six people? But it’s exactly how I’ve felt. And I’ve learned that feeling alone amongst other people is a far more harrowing feeling than feeling alone when you’re actually… well, alone. I never feel lonely when I’m by myself. But when I’m around other people? I’ve become an expert at it.
And I can never figure out if it’s actually real life (Is it real? Have I really created a life with so few people to support me when I need it?), or if it’s simply a product of manifestation….combined and created somewhere in the abyss of physical pain and the inevitable depression that comes with it.
Whatever the case, I’ve been resting there: Holding on tightly to the simultaneous frustration and safety of my own self-pity.
I don’t recommend it.
I have missed writing so very much (just one of many things I’ve missed in the past several months) but even when I have gotten the energy to sit at my computer, I put my fingers to the keyboard…… and there’s nothing there but a wordless, guttural whine.
Then yesterday I finally heard something that helped, if only a tiny bit. In a classic case of “the right thing at the right time,” I was watching a movie with my groom, and what was meant to be entertainment ended up being inspiration. Between me not feeling well, and him being exhausted from work, and the both of us spending all our spare minutes getting everything tied up for the conference, we’ve been desperately clinging to our lazy Saturday morning movie-while-we-drink-our-coffee dates whenever we can get them. Anyway, yesterday we were watching this movie, and there was a scene where one of the characters, an angst-ridden teenager, was standing on the precipice of a cliff, contemplating ending his life. His panicked family had all gathered around, and were literally trying to talk him down from the edge. They were delivering a fairly standard issue, “you have so much to live for” motivational speech, and eventually told him,
“Shit’s temporary!”*
And in that moment, those words were the much-needed balm to my weary and battered soul. It’s temporary. It’s ALL temporary. And yes, I get that there’s nothing new or revelatory about that observation, but it was something that I’d forgotten…. and forgotten so deeply that I didn’t even remember that I’d forgotten it. I’m always the first person to reassure new moms that their toddler’s frustrating experiments with biting or throwing or shoving things into the DVD player drawer is but a season. It’s temporary. Why on earth wouldn’t that apply to adults as well?
Trials are temporary. Frustrations are temporary. LIFE is temporary. And I needed the reminder to sit tight, put on my galoshes, and get out there and dance in the storm. It’s a season, bringing whatever lessons it’s going to bring.
I feel like I’ve spent so much time chasing things. Chasing answers, chasing peace, chasing rest. And I think that sometimes you need to just stop chasing. Stop moving. Just stop. Stop and remember that it’s all just…. fleeting. I’ll feel better, or I won’t. But either way, it’s still temporary, because it’s ALL temporary.
I don’t know what’s going to happen next for me, or this blog, or all my plans that have gotten put on hold with my health issues. But for the first time in a long time, I’m pretty okay with not knowing. And the next time I’m not okay (because I do know there will be a next time), the next time I give in to the stress and the fatigue and the frustration of it all, I hope I can remember that no matter what it is… whatever negative, stagnant yuck I’m feeling…
that it’s only temporary.
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*(Sorry I said shit. Sorry I said it again)
Much love and healing wishes to you, Jen.
hi Jen,
I’ve mostly been a lurker here, and I don’t know enough about what you’re experiencing to make any sort of diagnosis, but after reading your post I just wanted to throw out there that you may want to explore the illness chronic fatigue syndrome. It’s a crappy illness and many of us with it struggled for a long time without a diagnosis. The primary symptom, besides debilitating exhaustion, is what’s called post-exertional malaise, which means that a person feels significantly worse for days, weeks or even months after physical exertion. You can find out more here: http://solvecfs.org/what-is-mecfs/.
I sincerely hope you don’t have it, and that you find some answers — and more importantly, feel better — soon!
Keeping you in my prayers always, Jen. And praying this season passes quickly. {{{{Big hugs}}}}
Jennifer,
been a reader for a while though this is my first comment. Prayers your way. So sorry for what you’re going through.
Casey
Jen,
You have struck another chord with me. I too feel lonely in a sea of people. Thank you for your raw honesty. I’ve been listening to Dr, Wayne Dyer’s tribute and reading his nook “I can see clearly now” to draw comfort and peace in this odd place in my life. An unsettled boredom. I lack of direction and purpose. I desperately want something to feed my soul. With regard to your health have you tried a juice fast/detox? I’m guessing you’ve looked into food sensitivities. My mantra to get through this dark cloud is”all will be well” a quote I’ve taken from “proof of Heaven”
I hope your soul leads you quickly to your answers
Liz
Jennifer, you’ve given so much to so many of us online, so there are a lot of us out here grateful to you. I think I too deal with things by remembering they’re temporary. Do you write in a personal journal? It helps me a lot. I hope you feel better very soon!
It’s funny how quickly we can forget the most obvious truths when we’re suffering, huh? When I was in a difficult season I struggled and struggled with it until a lightbulb finally went off and I realized, wait, this isn’t SUPPOSED to be easy. Life is supposed to be difficult. There are all those images in the Bible of passing through the fire, being refined. I don’t think the fire is meant to be comfortable. And the Bible proves over and over that the favor of God often comes with a huge price. It’s very costly and never easy. Our culture has gotten so obsessed with the idea that life should be comfortable and easy that it’s a real sick when we have to deal with anything difficult. We forget that the difficult things are actually God’s blessing.
These thoughts have been swirling around in my heart the last few weeks, I hope they’re helpful to you too. I hope your health issue gets some answers so you can at least move forward. Not knowing is harder than just dealing with whatever it is. But no matter what, shit’s temporary. Our entire lives are a tiny blip on our eternal timeline anyway.
Many hugs … but gentle ones because they probably hurt too, somedays. I commiserate totally. I am working my way through, into, out of??? menopause and have recently developed gout. Yup, gout. After years of working to feed my household organic, whole foods I have to figure out a whole other way of eating that is associated with not too much of this and not to much of that, are vegetables good for you or bad for you, beef is bad, shrimp is bad, but chicken maybe not so bad…. I’m in a maze and exhausted with trying to figure my way out of it. So I hear ya. And I hope we both feel better soon.
((((HUGS)))) Love your blog, love you… you are inspiring. I’m reading ‘Letting Go’ by David R. Hawkins I bet it would help you right now. It sounds like you found some peace by surrendering a little. That’s what this book is all about. Prayers and best wishes, Simone
Sending you healing thoughts!
Hey Jen, being unwell long term (especially when you don’t know what’s causing it) is so exhausting. Wishing you lots of time for nurturing self care. I love the reminder that things are always temporary and glad that it is helping you feel more positive.
I’m so sorry! 🙁 I can’t imagine how frustrating that must be. I hope you get some answers soon and can take steps to feel better. In either case, you’re right, it’s temporary…but still shitty (oops, I said it too).
Thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way! You’re wonderful, Jen, and definitely take a break from blogging if you need it :).
I am new to your blog, and loving it. I was really sorry to come across this post. Being a nurse, of course my mind was going “what are the symptoms? what are the SYMPTOMS?”, because I would love to contribute something perhaps useful… The thing that jumps to my mind (since you have already been through a battery of testing) is generalized inflammation. This can manifest with the same symptoms we see in forms of depression or chronic fatigue syndrome (malaise, fatigue, changes in appetite, achiness… basically what you would feel if you were coming down with a honking cold, but for ages), and subsequently the symptoms inherent to whatever is most susceptible among your organs or organ systems. There is thought that this may underlie many of the auto-immune diseases we are seeing. It is not yet something commonly recognized in mainstream medicine (which is why I mention it), but I did an extensive literature review on it.
As to the existential issues… eish. Being alone. Being mortal. It is all flattening me like a pancake. In that sense your post was especially valued by me. In a way it made me feel more connected for the moment than spending time with the people I know – which often does the opposite.
So chronic inflammation – What do you do about it? I too have been sick – for years. I give tons of blood, do lots of tests, and nothing. How can I feel so awful and there be no signs?? Would love to hear about anything that might help me find some answers.
Hi Wendy,
I’m sorry you’ve been struggling with this 🙁 There has been a lot of research on the unbalanced microorganisms in the gut, and the systemic problems this can cause. Probiotics are not a bad thing to supplement with, but the microorganisms in those are transient, so they don’t set up shop. What is more effective in the long run is to include pre-biotics into your diet – meaning all sorts of fiber – this is what healthy gut bacteria feed on. This is a good article explaining: http://authoritynutrition.com/different-types-of-fiber/. Also include raw, fermented foods (be sure they are raw though – processed sauerkraut is not going to help you in this department). Making your own fermented foods is actually very easy – I have the perfect pickler, which works for small quantities and allows you to determine which level of fermentation tastes best to you, nice for when you are starting out and trying new things. It’s cheap and has a website with recipes (the website is still great if you have another way of fermenting, just for the recipes). For increased fiber and raw foods make sure you have no dietary restrictions, although they are generally very safe. Juicing and blending vegetables is a great addition to your diet (there is a documentary called “Fat, Sick, and nearly Dead” that I really liked on this). A good generalized anti-inflammatory is turmeric. You can get this as a supplement, but it is way cheaper to buy organic turmeric and cook with it, or make “golden milk” – there are lots of good recipes out there on the net for this. You also may want to look up ‘elimination diet’, which can help you find out if you are allergic/intolerant to particular foods. If you have had a ton of blood-work done, check to see if this has included C-reactive protein (CRP), ESR, or blood viscosity. These are indicators of increased inflammation. The bottom line is, incorporating any of these changes is likely to be a good thing. It might target the problem, or at least support your body in dealing with what is going on. I hope this helps. J