I recently read an article titled, Pediatrician Shares No. 1 Secret to Raising Happy, Successful Kids. Even though my kids are grown, or nearly grown, I still like to read other people’s takes on parenting. So I gave it a whirl. Read it if you’d like, but a major spoiler is incoming.

His secret?

Chores.

Huh. I wasn’t expecting that, I’ll give him that. And I don’t have any super strong feelings about it either. Chores are… neutral to me. I’ve never required my kids to do chores, but they all do them, simply because it’s part of life. Want clean dishes to eat off of? You’ll have to wash them. Want fresh clothes? You’ll need to throw in a load of laundry. Want to keep your kitchen hygienic and free of bugs? The trash has to go outside. I do the majority of the inside chores, mainly because I tend to have the most time, and Mike takes care of the yard work. If we need or want help? We ask. No more simple nor complicated than that. It’s just chores.

What the article did do though was get me to thinking about what my own answer would be. If someone asked me what my biggest parenting tip was, what would I say? My first thought was respect, followed by treating them how I’d like to be treated. But even those were more specific than what I wanted (and speaking of specific, I think that was biggest head scratching factor of the chores for me. Of allll the things to say, chores are just so oddly specific. But I digress.)

I finally decided when I boiled it all down that the ONE place I would start is this:

I treat them like people.

Which, if you’re like me, might sound really silly. Of COURSE they’re people. What else would they be? It really shouldn’t be a radical thought. But unfortunately there is a (rather disturbingly) large segment of society that very much does NOT treat children like people. What do they treat them as then?

Objects, existing to serve some purpose to the adults.

Dogs, to be trained.

Computers, to be programmed.

Lesser beings in general.

But they are people, from the moment they are born. Yes, they are still growing and learning and discovering how the world works, but they are people. Yes, they may stumble and fall and need more assistance at various points in their life, but they are people. Yes, they will look to us for guidance on sense of sense, relationships, how to navigate the intricacies of navigating life with other beings, but THEY ARE STILL PEOPLE. Right now, at whatever age they’re at.

They are people, deserving of respect and dignity and a sense of autonomy. They deserve to know what it’s like to love and be loved. They deserve to live out loud… to think, feel, and express themselves the way they feel is best.

When we begin by looking at our kids for what they are: fellow humans trying their best to do the human thing, everything else tends to fall in line. They have their own unique wants, their own needs, their own goals, their own dreams, their own personalities, their own strengths, their own insecurities, their own interests, their own preferences, their own idiosyncrasies. The list goes on. And our job as parents isn’t to squash all of that into a perfect kid-shaped box, but to nurture and embrace it. To let them be exactly who they are, with no qualifiers and no apologies. THEY get to choose the shape of the box.

When you hold a fellow human in high esteem (which I would certainly hope would be the case for your children) you naturally treat them well. You treat them in ways I mentioned up above. With respect. In the manner that you want to be treated. You help them. You support them. You listen to them. You offer them true companionship and honest advice. You’re their biggest cheerleader, and their gentlest critic. You help them be the best human they can be. And that is true regardless of their age. I am 49, and I’m still learning about being a better human from the people I trust and admire, and I know that it is no different for my kids.

So the secret to raising kids that are happy? Successful? Respectful? Kind? Recognizing their humanness. And responding accordingly.

I recently read a Facebook post by what I’m assuming is a young mom, tired and frustrated, looking for suggestions on how to get her kids to listen. She said she was at her wit’s end, and that every interaction with her children was ending with her “screaming like a psychopath” until they did what she wanted them to do.

99% of the comments were invariably the same, and were some iteration of this:

Punishment. And if that doesn’t work, more punishment. And if it STILL doesn’t work… more punishment. The mom answered that she had tried punishment, and more punishment, and that it always ended with her yelling. Believe me when I say my heart goes out to this mom. I didn’t respond to the post (mostly selfishly, because I’ve really been getting my feelings hurt on Facebook as of late), but if I did, I would have said this:

It’s so hard. Anyone who says that parenting isn’t hard sometimes is either not doing it right, or lying. Parenting is a relationship, and like any relationship it takes work. And don’t get me wrong. My relationship with my kids is the single most beautiful and rewarding thing in my life by far. By far. But we’re humans, not robots, so there are hills and valleys. Bumps along the way. Sometimes there are problems that we don’t know how to solve.

But punishment is not the answer.

For one thing, as this mom has seen, punishment doesn’t work. If it did, the behavior would be fixed, and punishment would no longer be needed. There wouldn’t be kids who were continually spanked, or put in time out, or perpetually grounded. They would “learn their lesson” the first time. At best, punishment can curb a behavior temporarily, because it feels unpleasant, or because of shame, embarrassment, or fear of it happening again. Once the moment is over though, it’s back to business as usual. It doesn’t actually teach anything.

That’s not why I don’t punish though. My relationship with my kids is not transactional. I don’t input a certain stimulus, expect a certain response, and wait to see if it “works.” Relationships are far more nuanced than that. And our kids are people, not computers to program.

The reason I don’t punish is that it literally does the opposite of what I (and I would imagine, most parents) want from my relationship with my kids. It drives a wedge. It brings you further apart instead of closer together. It erodes trust. It creates fear, anger, and resentment…. not things I want to purposely bring to any relationship that’s as important as the one I share with my kids.

So does that mean I ignore behavior that’s unsafe/unkind/generally problematic? No. It means I lean in. It means I 1) take the time to figure out what’s going on. Behavior doesn’t exist in a vacuum. What is the “why”? Once you have a why, you can work on solutions. And 2) Connect. Engage. Listen. Empathize. Treat them how I’d like to be treated myself. Take them by the hand and show them through my actions how things can be different.

Punishment is something you do TO your kids. Healthy discipline is solving a problem with your kids.

I want my kids, of all ages, to feel comfortable coming to me when they have a problem or make a mistake. I want them to trust that I will help them and support them, without criticism and without judgement. I want them to trust that I’m a safe space to fall.

And that trust that I’m looking for will never, ever come from punishment.