Category Archives: bible

June 13, 2014 · 3:51 PM

Book Review: Jesus, the Gentle Parent by L.R. Knost

“We are our children’s first experience of God. How we treat them, how we respond to them, what we model for them, those are all images of parenthood that are imprinted on our children’s hearts from the moment of birth, and they will carry those images with them for life. God’s unconditional love, his gentleness, his compassion, his acceptance, his sacrifice…. those are the images our children need to see reflected in our parenting, to have tenderly woven into the fabric of their childhood, to carry forever as whispered memories etched on their hearts, echoing the heart of God.” ~ L.R. Knost

I was so excited when I first heard that L.R. Knost was releasing a book about gentle Christian parenting. I absolutely adored her previous books – all of which I’ve reviewed here on my blog – and I knew that this newest offering was one that was sorely needed in the landscape of gentle parenting resources. Far too many well-meaning Christians (and I do believe that they are well-meaning) mistakenly believe that the Bible instructs parents to parent with harshness, when the opposite is true. Jesus was in fact all about love, grace, and gentleness, and Knost understands this oh so well.

In what I believe is her best book to date, L.R. Knost combines personal experience, well-researched scripture, and inspirational testimony to take the reader through what the Bible does (and does not) have to say about how we should be parenting as Christians. With the same straightforward yet warm and conversational tone I’ve come to appreciate in all her writings, she guides and encourages, teaches without preaching, and gently corrects and re-directs the misguided and often harmful messages given through the years by Christian parenting “experts” such as Gary Ezzo, James Dobson, and Michael Pearl.

So much more than a book about a personal opinion, Jesus, the Gentle Parent digs deep into scripture and doctrinal belief, examining the main tenets of mainstream Christian parenting advice, debunking widely-held beliefs about what it means to parent in biblical way, and providing practical and scripturally sound alternatives to guiding your children with unconditional love, grace, and gentleness.

Not shying away from any of the tough questions, she tackles such issues as spanking, sin, authority, obedience and submission…. and what it all means (and doesn’t mean) – to a gentle parent whose desire is to parent in Jesus’s footsteps.

I have been a parent for 17 years, and this beautiful book has truly touched my soul like none other. It simultaneously taught me something new, and strengthened what I already knew in my heart of hearts to be true. Jesus was a man of endless compassion and grace – more grace than we can ever understand – and the only way for our children to truly experience it is if we, as their parents, give it to them. I am deeply indebted to L.R. Knost for getting this very important message out there, and into the hands and hearts of Christian parents around the world.

You can buy Jesus, the Gentle Parent here.

Best-selling parenting and children’s book author, L.R. Knost, is an independent development researcher and founder and director of the advocacy and consulting group, Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources, as well as a monthly contributor to The Natural Parent Magazine. She is also a babywearing, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, homeschooling mother of six. Her children are a twenty-six-year-old married father of two; a twenty-four-year-old married Family Therapist working with at-risk children and families; a nineteen-year-old university pre-med student on scholarship; fifteen- and eight-year-old sweet, funny, socially active, homeschooled girls; and an adorable and active toddler.

Books by award-winning author L.R. Knost, include Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages, Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood, The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline, and her newest release, Jesus, The Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting, the first four books in the Little Hearts Handbook parenting guide series; as well as her children’s picture books: A Walk in the Clouds, the soon-to-be-released Grumpykins series; and Petey’s Listening Ears, the first in the Wisdom for Little Hearts series, which are humorous and engaging tools for parenting, teachers, and caregivers to use in implementing gentle parenting techniques in their homes and schools.

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Filed under bible, book reviews, gentle discipline, gentle parenting, mindful parenting, parenting

February 24, 2014 · 6:00 AM

And They’ll Know We Are Christians by Our Arrogance, Judgment, and Intolerance

“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”

Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.

(Matthew 22:36-40)

I grew up in a small, conservative church in New England. It’s been many years since I’ve gone to that particular denomination with any regularity, but the hymns we sang every Sunday are forever burned into my consciousness. I remember one song, the touchy-feely emotional type that I outwardly avoided – but secretly loved – that had a chorus that went like this:

And they’ll know we are Christians by our love, by our love. Yes, they’ll know we our Christians by our love…

I’ve been thinking about that lyric a lot the past couple of days, partly because once something gets stuck in your head it’s there until it’s replaced by something else… but mostly because my social media newsfeeds have been inundated with opinions on this asinine new bill being considered in Arizona; a bill that makes it expressly legal for a business to discriminate against someone – without the fear of a lawsuit – if you feel that not doing so would threaten your religious freedom in some way.

I’m incapable of mincing words at this point, so forgive my bluntness when I say:

What the hell are we doing?

Everyone who’s defending this bill has made essentially the same argument. We have to protect our religious rights! We have to defend what’s right and pure! We have to stand by our biblical principles!

And you know what? I agree. Religious rights are important, and I’m thankful that we have them. I can go to church whenever I want. I can read a Bible while I’m riding on the light rail. I can wear a cross around my neck, and a Jesus fish on my car. I can talk about, or write about, my faith wherever I go. I can accept and respect other people’s religions, and I can appreciate and embrace our differences.

If I stand for anything, it’s for what’s right and pure.

And as for biblical principles – real biblical principles of goodness, kindness, compassion and love – you will not find a bigger supporter. I love the Bible. I love what it’s taught me, and continues to teach me. I love what it’s revealed to me over the past 40 years. I love its story. I love its message of a God who so “loved the world that He gave his only begotten son.” But here’s what I’m wondering…

I’m wondering what part of, “Love your neighbor” is getting confused as, “Love your neighbor unless you disagree with his lifestyle. Love your neighbor unless he’s a liberal. Love your neighbor unless he’s gay.” And before you can say it, I’m not talking about, “Love the sinner, hate the sin” either. I’m talking about JUST LOVING, period, and leaving everything else up to the individual and to God.

I think of Jesus in the Bible and I think of the person “in the trenches.” I think of the guy who was hanging out with the people that no one else would give the time of day. I think of the soul who was spending timing with the tax collectors, breaking bread with the lepers, and conversing with the prostitutes. I think of someone who was healing the sick, helping the poor, and raising the dead.

I do not think of a person who would refuse to serve someone, based on creed or religion or skin color or sexuality. I do not think of a person who would walk away from someone – from anyone – when He had an opportunity to be kind to them, to love them, to minister to them.

I think of Jesus in the Bible, and I wonder how we’ve strayed so far. So far that we’ve forgotten what we were supposed to be doing in the first place. So far that when I think of people who actually emulate Jesus that His followers are the very last people who come to mind.

When did being a Christian become synonymous with using the Bible to brow-beat everyone? When did being a Christian become synonymous with arrogant grandstanding, a tit-for-tat war of words and actions to prove that you’re more Godly, more virtuous than everyone around you? When did being a Christian become about defending conservative reality TV stars, no matter how inflammatory and vulgar their message?

When did being a Christian become about standing behind a ridiculous, intolerant bill that celebrates turning people away, playing judge and jury on others’ lives, and isolating and separating yourself from the very people (ie: ALL people) that you’re asked – commanded really – to love.

Somewhere along the way, this is exactly what happened.

I see the comments from my non-Christian friends… comments about how judgmental Christians are. How arrogant. How intolerant. How cruel. I see the comments and I cringe. Cringe because the comments are hurtful, and cringe because I know they’re right. I’m no stranger to cruel comments on my blog, and the worst – by far – are from my fellow Christians. Often under the guise of “saving” me of course, but cruel nonetheless. And each time… EVERY time… I can’t help but wonder, if I, a fellow believer, am so disappointed and disillusioned with God’s people and their actions, how on earth can they be reaching and encouraging others?

Spoiler: They can’t. They’re not.

We’re missing the boat here, in a big big way.

Christians, we can do better than this. We have to do better than this. I want that old hymn to be true. I so badly want it to be true. Right now, I just don’t think it is. And bills like Senate bill 1062? They’re a giant step in the wrong direction.

I write this to you as a very flawed, imperfect follower of Christ. Lord knows I have my own work to do in the department of loving others. But it seems to me if we can all – all of us – do a little less quoting of cherry picked scriptures like Leviticus 18:22, and a little more living of scriptures like Matthew 7:3, the world would be a much better place.

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Filed under bible, faith, God, hot topics, kindness, love, rant, spirituality

December 9, 2013 · 9:16 AM

Christianity, Sin & Gentle Parenting

I recently received an email that said, in part:

I am writing in hope you can help me understand how you reconcile the fact that we are born sinners in need of a Savior with gentle parenting. I find it hard to understand how children who are sinners can be “trusted to make the right decision”. I know as a sinner myself I can often not be trusted to make the right decision. I also find biblical examples where sin has consequences. The entire Gospel message is based on the truth that sin needs to be punished. Can you help me understand how you and your husband reconcile those things? Thank you so much for your time.

It’s actually a question I’ve gotten fairly frequently, in various forms. I’ve never fully answered it, but it wasn’t until this email that I realized why. I can’t answer it. And I don’t mean to be contrary or disrespectful when I say that. It’s just that I am viewing this, and living it, from an entirely different paradigm. I believe in gentle parenting largely BECAUSE of my faith, not in spite of it. So for me, there is nothing to reconcile.

First, this sentence: “I find it hard to understand how children who are sinners can be “trusted to make the right decision”” is built on the (common) misconception that someone who does not punish does not discipline, and that someone who believes in gentle parenting must just leave kids to their own devices, hoping and trusting that they’ll do the right thing. But it doesn’t work that way. Truly leaving your kids to make all their decisions on their own with no parental guidance is permissive parenting…. which is very much the opposite of what I write about. Gentle parenting is based on relationship. It’s based on communication and connection and gentle guidance and partnership. Do my kids make bad choices sometimes? Sure! We all do. That’s why we have parents, and other loved ones, and God, and a conscience, and a moral compass… to guide us, to help keep us accountable as we navigate the world, and yes, to offer us grace and forgiveness when we screw up.

Second, “The entire Gospel message is based on the truth that sin needs to be punished” is just not something that I subscribe to or believe. I believe that the entire Gospel message is based on love, and grace, and forgiveness. It’s about “God so loving the world that he sent his only begotten son….” It’s about the fact that it’s because of “grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.…” I don’t know about you, but sometimes I feel like I have been given FAR more grace and forgiveness than I deserve. I screw up daily. I screw up hourly. There’s a better than average chance that I’ll make a poor decision before I finish writing this blog post.

But here’s the thing: God hasn’t given up on me. I am cherished exactly as I am. I am loved. Unconditionally. I am forgiven. Again and again. God believes in me and trusts me, and knows that because of those things I want to do better. I want to be the person He created me to be.

That’s the kind of parent I want to be for my own kids. If I can offer even a fraction of the love and grace that God extends to me, it’ll be a step in the right direction. My guide (in all things, but particularly as a parent) is Jesus. Jesus was, of course, never a parent, but you know how he treated kids? With kindness. With gentleness. And with more patience than I could ever hope to muster.

And finally, as to sin having consequences: Yes, bad decisions have consequences. I’ve made enough of them myself to know this much is true. But life deals out those consequences all by itself. And God? God gives second chances.

I figure that’s the least I can offer my own kids.

11 Comments

Filed under bible, faith, gentle discipline, gentle parenting

November 18, 2013 · 12:19 PM

Child Abuse Cloaked in “Christian Discipline”… Another Death at the Hands of Pearl Followers

I am writing this as my children sleep.

My four children, who, while they’ve surely never had perfect parents, have never had parents that they’ve feared. I wish, I so badly wish, that that was the case in all homes. I wish that all well-meaning parents who loved their children would just – at a minimum – let their children know that they are safe. That their home is their sanctuary. That their parents will protect them from harm, that they will never have to go to bed or wake up or spend a single day of their lives in FEAR.

That is, heartbreakingly, not the case.

Last week, Larry and Carri Williams of Washington State were found guilty of the murder of their little daughter, Hana. They are the third couple to be found guilty of murder after employing the child-abuse techniques in the “Christian” parenting book, To Train Up a Child by Michael and Debi and Pearl.

The first was four year old Sean Paddock, in 2006. His death was followed by seven year old Lydia Schatz in 2010.

Remember those names, please.

Sean Paddock. Lydia Schatz. And now Hana Williams. These are innocent children who were killed at the hands of their parents, the ones who were supposed to be protecting them. Even worse – can murdering your child even GET worse? It can. – they were killed at the hands of their parents who were following “discipline” techniques they believed to be “biblical.”

Don’t like to think about something awful? Want to look away? Find yourself thinking, “Yes, it’s sad, and terrible, and heartbreaking, but no good could come from constantly talking about it.”?

To that I say BULLSHIT.

We owe it to Sean Paddock to think about it. We owe it to Lydia Schatz to look at it. We owe it to Hana Williams to talk about it. We owe it to all the children who are subjected to this kind of treatment day in and day out.

Michael Pearl, and his 1.7 million dollar “ministry”, No Greater Joy, take money from unsuspecting Christians, instruct them how to abuse their children, and somehow brainwash them into thinking that this is behavior is not only condoned but commanded and blessed by God.

God does not want you to hit your children. Jesus does not want you to inflict pain on your children.

THIS BOOK IS NOT CHRISTIAN.

And I won’t keep quiet about this. I won’t. Michael Pearl is out there laughing, laughing, as children die. Taken from his Facebook page in response to criticism after Lydia Schatz died:

It has come to may attention that a vocal few are decrying our sensible application of the Biblical rod in training up our children. I laugh at my caustic critics, for our properly spanked and trained children grow to maturity in great peace and love…

Numbered in the millions, these kids become the models of self-control and discipline, highly educated and creative—entrepreneurs that pay the taxes your children will receive in entitlements…

My five grown children are laughing at your foolish, uninformed criticism of God’s method of child training, for their kids—my 17 grandkids—are laughing . . . because that is what they do most of the time. They laugh when Daddy is coming home. The laugh when it is time to do more homeschooling. They laugh when it is time to practice the violin and piano. They laugh when they see their Big Papa coming (that’s me) because Big Papa is laughing and they don’t care why just as long as he laughs with them.

My granddaughters laugh with joy after giving their baby dolls a spanking for “being naughty” because they know their dolls will grow up to be the best mamas and daddies in the world—just like them….

Even my chickens are laughing . . . well, actually it more like cackling, because they just laid another organic egg for my breakfast and they know that it was that same piece of ¼ inch plastic supply line that trained the dogs not to eat chicken….

And before you can say it, this is not about “free speech.” I’ve heard it from too many people. “He has the right to say whatever he wants. If you don’t like his books, don’t buy them”. No. NO! This is about a man using and twisting and manipulating the Bible for his own sick gain. A man who has created an entire empire around teaching people how to intimidate, manipulate, bully, abuse, and in the case of Paddock, Schatz, and Williams, kill their children.

A selection of direct quotes from the first edition of To Train Up a Child:

But for her own good, we attempted to train her not to climb the stairs by coordinating the voice command of “No” with little spats on the bare legs. The switch was a twelve-inch long, one-eighth-inch diameter sprig from a willow tree.

He may not be able to sleep, but he can be trained to lie there quietly. He will very quickly come to know that any time he is laid down there is no alternative but to stay put. To get up is to be on the firing line and get switched back down.

If a father is attempting to make a child eat his oats, and the child cries for his mother, then the mother should respond by spanking him for whining for her and for not eating his oats. He will then be glad to be dealing only with the father.

…use whatever force is necessary to bring him to bay. If you have to sit on him to spank him then do not hesitate. And hold him there until he is surrendered. Prove that you are bigger, tougher, more patiently enduring and are unmoved by his wailing. Defeat him totally. Accept no conditions for surrender. No compromise. You are to rule over him as a benevolent sovereign. Your word is final.

On the bare legs or bottom, switch him eight or ten licks; then, while waiting for the pain to subside, speak calm words of rebuke. If the crying turns to a true, wounded, submissive whimper, you have conquered; he has submitted his will. If the crying is still defiant, protesting and other than a response to pain, spank him again.

(All quotes from this post on the website, Why Not Train a Child.)

Have you read enough yet? It’s beyond time to do something. Don’t stop talking about it. Don’t stop sharing posts about it.

Sign the petition to remove their book from Amazon.

Grab this button from Muse Mama and display it on your own site:

If you are a fellow Christian (and it’s for you especially that I write), let your voice be louder than the Pearl’s followers. Let people know that to raise a child in a Christ-like way, to truly “train up a child in the way he should go”, is to parent with kindness, gentleness, and compassion… the complete and utter opposite of what’s promoted by Michael and Debi Pearl.

(I also wrote about the Pearls here.)

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Filed under bible, faith, gentle discipline, gentle parenting, headlines, hot topics, mindful parenting, parenting, Pearls

November 11, 2013 · 6:00 AM

Q & A – The Bible, Discipline, and Freedom

I got another great set of questions, mostly focused on discipline, and a little bit more about housekeeping…

“How do you reconcile Heb 12 where it talks about discipline being painful with the gentle no pain approach to parenting. It would seem to say that there are times when consequences hurt. Not spanking per se but things that aren’t pleasant. Any thoughts?

This is the scripture she’s referring to:

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. (Hebrews 12:11)

First, I think it’s important to look at the word, “discipline.” It’s often used as synonymous with punishment, but discipline and punishment are two different things. Discipline simply means teaching (or on the part of the child, learning). It means practicing a certain action, skill, or behavior in order to get better at it. Sometimes it does hurt, absolutely. I did 250 hours of yoga training to earn my RYT. It was painful on many levels, but the self-discipline was worth it. My 13 year old taught himself to play the guitar. Lots of guitar playing wreaks havoc on your fingers early on, but he will tell you that the discipline made him a better player. And all of us have learned lessons (or have been disciplined) by making poor decisions and reaping the natural – and sometimes painful – consequences. It is a part of learning, and a part of life, that sometimes discipline is painful.

But do I think that it’s my job as a parent to purposely inflict that pain on my children through punishment, or that that’s what this scripture is instructing me to do? Absolutely not. My job is to support them, to hold their hands, and to be their soft place to fall when life deals them those hard blows.

Also what do you do for repeated childhood habits like not keeping the room clean or leaving everything out in the bathroom that the whole family shares?

I don’t think those are childhood habits. I’ve lived with adults who do the same thing! This is a house that we all share, and as such we all compromise and work together to respect each other’s space. Generally speaking, if a mess is bothering me, I will clean it up. If it’s someone else’s personal mess, and it’s in my way, I’ll just ask whoever it is if they can please come get it/clean it. And they will.

From what I’ve seen in my own family, it’s very much just a matter of personality, and how tidy or not you may be is largely hard-wired from birth. I have one child who is one of the neatest people I’ve ever known in real life, much like his father…. and three more who tend to make a mess everywhere they go, much like their mother.

How does it work? We compromise. We give and take. We help each other out. We take accountability for our own actions. We speak up when something isn’t working.

I want to allow them freedom but when it prevents others from having a clean place how do you handle that?

Freedom is sort of a myth, especially when you live with other people. I would like the freedom to curl up on the couch and watch movies all day, but there are things to do and people to feed. 🙂 And “freedom” should never involve stepping on someone else’s happiness/enjoyment/peace in his or her own home. The way this question is framed almost makes it sound like there are two options: 1) to give the kids “freedom” and then let them take advantage of you and leave you to trip over their stuff all over the house, or 2) to make them behave a certain way through coercion, punishment, etc. But there are other options! It’s never all or nothing.

You can simply ask, “Hey, can you please come get xyz from the living room?” You can pick up together. You can keep baskets, bins, etc around the house to toss stray stuff into (just don’t make anybody have to earn it back!). You can take a few minutes to gather up their things, and drop them for them in their rooms. You can talk to them about how you’re feeling. You can brainstorm for answers with your kids input (sometimes my kids come up with more creative and sensible solutions than I do!).

Or for example I sent the kids to clean the room today, 20 min later NOTHING is done! I want to honor them & give them freedom but I want them to learn how to follow instructions as well.

Well, first, if they have caring and involved parents, kids will learn how to follow instructions. 🙂 It’s a part of life, and they’ll learn it.

As for the room, was it a reasonable request or a requirement? Was it a punishment? Were they given a choice? Were they wanting/needing to do something else at the moment? Were they pulled away from something they were enjoying? Was the job description too vague? Too overwhelming? Too tedious? Were there too many distractions? Were they tired/hungry/angry/bored? None of these are questions to actually answer, by the way, just questions to ask in the moment. There are so many reasons why a person would or would not do something, and the only way to figure it out (as well as to determine the appropriate course of action the next time) is to take a step back, and look at the situation with an objective eye. A lot of times when I’ve felt like the kids didn’t do something that I thought they should, upon reflection I realized that the problem didn’t lie with them at all. It was me.

What if one child is being unkind to others? Or if everyone is arguing a lot? Or being aggravating to others? Is there ever a consequence after you’ve spoken to them about it several times that day?”

That was actually happening in our house yesterday. The solution? We suggested getting out of the house and going for a hike. The whole family took a lovely 1.5 mile climb up a local mountain, enjoyed the views, enjoyed each other, and got some exercise to boot. Sometimes, all it takes is a step away and a change of scenery. Sometimes, they need to retire to their own activities for awhile. Sometimes, it all stems from boredom. Sometimes, we need to help them figure out how to work it out. Sometimes, the best thing to do is give them the space to figure it out on their own.

It wouldn’t be very kind or loving to simply ignore it if a child is being abused (verbally or otherwise) by a sibling. Nor would it be kind or loving to dole out some type of punishment when what the child is asking for is help. So in that sense: yes, yes there’s a consequence. The consequence is that Mom and/or Dad steps in and 1) protects the child who is taking the brunt of it, and 2) helps the child who is dealing with feelings so big that he can’t find another way to handle them besides lashing out at his siblings…. whether it means extra attention, time alone, or a long, beautiful hike and a big, beautiful mountain.

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Filed under bible, gentle discipline, gentle parenting, Q and A

August 2, 2012 · 6:00 AM

Dear Chick Fil A: I Love You, But…

Chick Fil A.

You’re sick to death of hearing about it. I am too. BELIEVE ME, I am too. Two days ago, I vowed I would not weigh in. Yesterday I realized I had no choice, if for no other reason than to preserve my own sanity and get it off my chest, if not off my news feed.

I am a huge proponent of respecting other people’s right to have their own opinions, and to voice those opinions as they see fit. Let me just start there. One of the things that has bothered me about this from the start (and there are so very many things that bother me about it) is that those of us who don’t agree with Dan Cathy’s stance are getting accused of not respecting his right to free speech. Of course he has the right to speak. Is anyone actually saying he doesn’t? That’s an honest question… I’ve read so many ugly words coming from both sides that at some point I started tuning them out.

Another one I’m seeing a lot of is a graphic that says: “‘I disagree’ is not equal to ‘I hate you.'” Absolutely. Merely disagreeing, and harboring hatred are two entirely different things.

Here’s the problem…

I’m of the opinion (and remember, Dan Cathy gets to have an opinion. I get to have an opinion. We all get to have an opinion) I’m of the opinion that the Bible is not nearly as black and white on the issue of homosexuality as most of my fellow Christians would have you believe. Setting that conversation completely aside, let’s say for the sake of argument that homosexuality is wrong. There still remains the fact that the Bible is exceedingly clear on one thing. We are called to LOVE.

Of course, of course! Love the sinner, hate the sin.

No. No, no, no. Love the sinner (and we’re all sinners). Period. I believe that that “Love the sinner, hate the sin” admonishment is one of the most hurtful and damaging phrases ever to be uttered. If we’re actively hating something about someone else, we believe they should change. We’re making our love conditional, and half-hearted at best. In essence we’re saying, “I love you, but…” Can any good come after that ‘but’? To truly and completely love, we just have to LOVE. With no strings, and no conditions. Think homosexuality is a sin? So is pride. So is arrogance. So is gossip. So is judgement.

Love anyway.

Chick Fil A donates money – millions of dollars worth of money – to organizations whose whole reason for existence is to fight against, and ostracize, gay individuals… including groups that link homosexuality to pedophilia, groups that feel homosexuality should be outlawed, groups that think homosexuals should be exported from our country, and groups that believe homosexuality is something that can be “prayed away.” One of these groups is the Family Research Council, which has been designated a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center. I ask you, implore you, in all sincerity …. if you were homosexual, or your child or your best friend or your brother were homosexual, would any of the above groups (or the organizations such as Chick Fil A that support them) make you feel particularly loved?

I’ll be honest: I’ve never eaten at Chick Fil A, mainly because I just don’t eat that kind of food. And I’m certainly not going to start now, not because I simply disagree (I want to be really clear about that) but because just as it’s their right to financially support blatantly anti-gay organizations, it’s my right not to. And yes, I’m aware that I’m likely supporting other such organizations without even knowing about it…. but when you know better, you do better. I want my dollars to support groups that promote love, not more division.

I have seen so much righteous indignation, name-calling, and judgment from both sides of the issue. I’ve seen well-meaning Christians proudly boasting about their support of a company that they may or may not realize gives money to a known hate group; and I’ve seen detractors casually throwing out words like bigots, and homophobes, and haters.

I’ve seen people telling Dan Cathy in no uncertain terms where to go and how to get there. And that’s clearly not the answer here either.

These are real people … people with failings and shortcomings to be sure … but real people, who are so much more than a cause or a principle or a religious or political crusade. And as I’ve thought about it, and pulled it apart, and boiled it down, I’ve realized that my responsibility here is no more and no less than to love. Simply. Fully. Unconditionally.

And man, it’s simple in premise but not always easy in practice. It’s hard to love people sometimes. Sadly, ~~often~~ sometimes, my fellow Christians are the hardest of all. But I honestly do want to love like Jesus loved. I don’t ever want to fall back on “loving the sinner and hating the sin.” I don’t want to put conditions on my love. I don’t want to be a hypocrite. So I will say to Dan Cathy and to others who support groups that aim to oppress, disparage, and ostracize others, “I love you”.

And then I’ll just stop talking.

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Filed under acceptance, bible, faith, hot topics, hypocrisy, kindness, life, perspective, rant, respect

March 1, 2010 · 3:10 PM

He who spareth the 1/4 inch plumbing supply line…

Four years ago, a 4 year old little boy by the name of Sean Paddock died when his mother wrapped him so tightly in a blanket that he could not breathe. This month, another young child, 7 year old Lydia Schatz, died after being “disciplined” – repeatedly hit with a plumbing supply line – by her parents, until her organs had shut down. Her 11 year old sister was hospitalized in critical condition for the same reason. The common thread between the two? Both families followed Michael and Debi Pearl’s books and methods for Christian child “training”. Both were Christian families who subscribed to these barbaric teachings because they believed them to be biblical, and both will have to live with knowing that their children died at their own hands.

Supporters of the Pearls (and sadly, there are millions, based on the number of books they sell) will tell you that these cases are different, that these parents had a propensity towards violence, or took things too far, or weren’t following the teachings correctly.

And surely, these loving Christians, the Pearls, wouldn’t advocate something as heinous as beating a child with plumbing supply line? In fact not only do they specifically recommend 1/4 plumbing inch supply line, but they also tell you where to get it (easily found at Home Depot, for your convenience), and instruct you to buy it in bulk so you can keep a length of it in every room of your house, and even keep one around your neck to serve as a reminder. They advise parents to whip their children until they have “no breath left to complain.”

Michael Pearl has responded to criticism with this statement:

“We do not teach corporal punishment, nor hitting children. We teach parents how to train their children, which sometimes requires the limited and controlled application of a spanking instrument to hold the child’s attention on admonition. Over one million parents have applied these biblical principles with joyful results.”

Besides sounding like a page from a cult leader’s mission statement, Mr Pearl’s words are egregious lies. Applying any kind of spanking instrument IS HITTING! Any adult doing the same thing to another adult could, and should, be arrested for assault. And “limited and controlled?” Until a child is out of breath is limited and controlled?

“No, officer, you don’t understand. Yes, I beat him repeatedly, but it was limited and controlled.”

“Oh, well in that case, carry on.”

IT’S ALL HITTING, AND IT’S ALL WRONG. How anyone can reconcile hitting a defenseless child, in any fashion, for any reason, as being acceptable is something that I will forever fail to understand.

Possibly the most disturbing part of Mr Pearl’s statement is the final line, “Over one million parents have applied these biblical principles with joyful results” I don’t believe that any part of what the Pearls preach is biblical, and in fact I think their message is decidedly anti-Christian, as I blogged about here. A single, often misquoted, taken-out-of-context scripture about “sparing the rod” (which was used to guide and protect sheep) does not change the gentle, loving spirit of a Jesus who would never hit a child. I want to be very, very clear when I say that I love God, and I love Jesus… but that if calling someone a Christian associates this kind of parenting in your mind, please! feel free to call me something else.

And finally, as to the “joyful results.” I think Sean Paddock and Lydia Schatz would disagree, as would the millions of other children who are being shamed and hit and forced to be fearful of their own parents every day. I pray that Sean and Lydia are now experiencing the peace that they never received in life, and I pray that the Pearls will be exposed for what they are before another innocent child has to die.

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Filed under bible, parenting, Pearls, spanking

December 2, 2009 · 7:43 PM

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…

Day 2 – a trip to the Phoenix Zoo!

Today we met friends at Zoo for a fun afternoon. No words are really needed…. they had a great time as always. On the way home, they entertained themselves (and their mother) by making up new words to The 12 Days of Christmas, using different zoo animals for each of the days.

Today’s Jesse tree ornament was a ram, to depict the story of Abraham and Isaac. Abraham was asked to sacrifice his son Isaac to prove his devotion and obedience to God. He was about to do so when God intervened and provided a ram for the sacrifice instead.

Genesis 22:11-12 “The Lord’s messenger called to him from heaven, ‘Abraham, Abraham!’ ‘Yes, Lord,’ he answered. ‘Do not lay your hand on the boy,’ said the messenger. ‘Do not do the least thing to him. I know now how devoted you are to God, since you did not withhold from me your own beloved son.”

No matter how many times I read it, I am completely awed by this story. I remember hearing it as a kid, and thinking it was powerful even back then, but I hadn’t the slightest idea of how it would affect me as parent, imagining I was asked to sacrifice my own child.

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Filed under bible, faith, field trips

August 18, 2009 · 9:00 AM

Christian Parenting

I feel like I haven’t really been a sparkling example of motherhood lately. I’ve been too impatient, too quick to answer, too slow to listen. I want to blame it on lack of sleep, as anyone who has ever dealt with chronic insomnia will tell you that it makes you feel a little… well, crazy. But I know that’s no excuse. I can do better.

For all the lengthy writing I could do on the subject, my parenting philosophy is really very, very simple. I want to be the kind of parent that I imagine Jesus would be.

Kind.
Caring.
Compassionate.
Loving.
Patient.
Gentle.

No where in that description – or in any biblical description of Jesus – is a man who would hit (or spank or swat or switch) He would not hurt a child in any way. Which is exactly the reason I have never, nor will I ever, follow any of the tenets of so many of the “Christian” parenting books and methods that not just condone, but ENCOURAGE hitting. Michael and Debi Pearl – or just The Pearls as they’re widely known – wrote the book To Train Up a Child. This book is one of the saddest things I have ever read. James Dobson is another popular Christian writer (who, it should be noted, refers to children by demeaning names such as tyrant, dictator, terrors, brat, bratty, rebel, tornados) that espouses the use of objects to hit and whip children into “obedience.” This is supposed to be Christian?

I’m not a bible scholar by any means, but I do read it, usually daily. I’ve read it from beginning to end several times. Not once have I read a single scripture that leads me to believe that God would want me to hit – or shame, belittle, or otherwise hurt – my children. The day I do is the day I stop reading it.

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Filed under bible, gentle parenting, mindful parenting, parenting

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