Category Archives: gentle discipline

November 28, 2018 · 12:13 PM

Gentle Parenting (When You Really Don’t Feel Like It)

It’s 27 days until Christmas. Maybe you’re starting to feel the stress of the holidays. Or maybe money’s tight. Maybe you’re not sleeping well. Maybe you’re dealing with health issues, or with the health issues of a loved one. Maybe you’re just plain TIRED, and when your 3 three year old has her seventh tantrum of the day, while you may want to respond with patience and understanding, your first knee-jerk thought might well be, “Are you freaking KIDDING ME??”

Now matter how committed you may be to parenting gently, and no matter how much you love your kids, you’re still a human, dealing with your own human emotions.

Here are a few things to help get you grounded again when you’re about to lose it.

1. Breathe. It’s said so often that it feels like its a cliche, but it’s not. Consciously stopping to breathe is the very best first line of defense against any emotionally charged situation, bar none. It sends oxygen to your body, calms your heart rate, lowers your blood pressure, and reduces the flight or fight response. Before you speak, before you do ANYTHING….. breathe. And then:

2. Slow down. I love this one because it seems so counter intuitive. When everything’s crazy, and you’re in a hurry, and you’re rushing around, and everything’s going wrong… slowing down seems like the least helpful thing you can do. But it’s essential to keeping your cool. Slow down, take a step a back, and regroup. You’ll be more productive, you’ll make less mistakes, and you’ll be much less likely to say things you’ll regret.

3. Focus on the current moment only. We are so, so good at stressing out about the past, and worrying about the future. So, so good! The problem is, it takes us out of the current moment, and makes it that much harder to respond with patience and calm. Breathe, slow down, and focus on making THIS moment a kind one. Just this one.

4. Put yourself in your child’s shoes. Empathy is one of the greatest tools we have when it comes to relating to other people, our children included. How is she feeling right now? What is he going through? It is HARD to be a toddler (and a preschooler and a middle-schooler and a teenager) It’s hard to be a human. Life can be frustrating. Remembering that your child is having a hard time with something goes a long way toward making it more about the person, and less about the behavior. It’s not personal. They’re not trying to annoy you. Rather, they’re trying to communicate in the only way they know how at the moment. Remember a time you felt the same way, and treat your child the way you wish you’d been treated. They need your compassion, not your anger.

5. Keep your perspective. AKA don’t sweat the small stuff (and it’s all small stuff.) In the moment, when big feelings are rampant, and people are triggered, and the situation is escalated, it often feels like the most catastrophic issue in the world. Except… it’s not. It’s not even close. In the grand scheme of things, this moment is but a little blip. Spilled milk, Sharpie on the wall, meltdowns over getting the wrong colored cup, sandwiches shoved in the DVD player…. I promise you it won’t matter later. It won’t. And nothing – seriously NOTHING – is more important than that little human standing before you, waiting to see how you’re going to react.

6. Apologize when it’s warranted. You’re going to have your not-so-gentle moments. That’s a given. Sometimes, even if you do everything “right”. Even if you breathe, and slow down, and take a step back, and empathize and keep your perspective… your frustration still comes out sideways, and you find yourself snapping or yelling, or otherwise responding in a way you regret. The positive part? Now you have an opportunity to model genuine remorse. Apologizing to your children shows them 1) That you, too, are human. 2) That it’s okay to mess up sometimes, and 3) The steps to take to make it right. And when apologies are freely and honestly given, forgiveness is a natural by-product. I can’t even think of a time when I’ve apologized to my kids and they haven’t graciously and authentically forgiven me.

The concepts of positive parenting are simple. Not always EASY, but simple. I think when it comes right down to it, the answer is that your kids want what all of us want. To be heard. To be seen. Forget the behavior for a second. Forget the frustration or the anger or the annoyance, and really SEE your child for the unique and complex and multifaceted perfectly imperfect human that they are. And then act accordingly.

An Open Letter to Kelly Clarkson

In a January 10th interview, Kelly Clarkson defended her decision to spank her kids, saying in part: “My parents spanked me, and I did fine in life, and I feel fine about it, and I do that as well. That’s a tricky thing, when you’re out in public, because then people are like, they think that’s wrong or something, but I find nothing wrong with a spanking.” The following is my response to those remarks.

You love your kids. I don’t doubt this. You would give your life for them. Like the rest of us, you’re doing the best you can with the information you have, and you have the added pressure of having your every decision critiqued by the general public. I can’t pretend to know what that’s like.

I understand what you are saying here. I do. You are simply doing what your parents did, and probably their parents too. Those patterns run deep, and they require a lot of effort, self-reflection, and often painful realizations to break. Your parents loved you after all, so why would they do something that hurt you? The fact is, they just did the best they knew how to do, with the information that they had at the time. But we’re not our parents. And we have more information now.

You say you’re “fine”, which is one of the most common refrains that I hear from those who spank their kids. But – and I say this in the most gentle way I know how – you’re believing a lie. You’re not fine if you think it’s okay to hit children. That’s what spanking is. It’s hitting. And it’s hitting someone smaller and weaker than yourself.

The great thing about the passage of time is that we can learn from the generations before us. Our parents did (and didn’t) do all kinds of the things that we now know more about, and can ideally learn from and do differently. We didn’t wear seat belts. Or bike helmets. People smoked through their pregnancies. They were encouraged to wean after just a few months, or even weeks. Just the other day I was thinking about piercings (I’m currently in the process of healing my latest one), and how the old school of thought told us to twist the jewelry every day. Now, of course, we know that this actually impedes the healing process, and that the best thing to do is to just keep them clean and leave them alone.

When we know better, we do better.

There is a big movement right now admonishing moms to stop judging each other, and instead just recognize that people do things differently. To a large extent, I agree! I don’t care if you make your kids a homemade balanced breakfast, or if they eat a Pop-Tart in the car on the way to school. I don’t care if their bedtime is at 7:00 or 11:00. I don’t care if they spend their free time watching SpongeBob or reading Moby Dick.

The thing is though, spanking is not a parenting issue. It’s a human rights issue. Children, like all humans, have the right to be free from violence, especially in their own home. They have the right to autonomy, to decide who does and does not touch their bodies, and when, and how, and for what reason. Hitting your children not only teaches them that it’s okay to solve problems by hitting, but it specifically teaches them to hit people who are smaller and weaker than themselves. It also seriously blurs the lines of consent, and lets them believe that, well, sometimes it’s okay for people to touch private areas of their bodies, as long as the person doing the hitting is unhappy with their behavior.

Hitting a spouse – or a friend or a neighbor or a stranger in a bar – is assault, and a serious offense. There are even animal cruelty laws to protect animals. 46 of the 50 states have enacted felony penalties for certain forms of animal abuse. The fact that there are no such laws to protect children does not make it right. Your right to parent as you see fit never supersedes your child’s right to be free from harm in his or her own home. Because make no mistake. No matter how you frame it, spanking is still hitting. And hitting in any way, shape, or form (other than in self defense) is violence. And it’s wrong.

The ironic part? Parents that spank do so because they think it’ll improve their children’s behavior. But study after study shows that spanking actually has the opposite effect. Spanking makes a child less likely to listen, not more. It also contributes to later aggression, anti-social behavior, and mental health problems. This is real. This is not an opinion, nor is it just empty words. Spanking is harmful, on every level, and the best of intentions (and absolutely, I believe that most parents are well-intentioned) doesn’t change that.

Our kids need our protection. They need our support and our guidance. They need us to be living examples of what it means to be respectful and patient and kind.

More than anything though, they need our love.

And hitting should never, ever be conflated with love.

24 Comments

Filed under gentle discipline, gentle parenting, headlines, hot topics, mindful parenting, parenting, spanking

November 11, 2017 · 6:49 PM

6 Rules I’d Never Use For My Toddlers

I have evil friends who send me links to articles that they know I’ll want to refute, especially articles that are in list form. I can never resist them. They just make it too easy. And,
My obligatory disclaimer: This post is about ideas, concepts, and philosophies. It is not an attack on an individual. I don’t know the author of the original article. In fact on a second look, I couldn’t even find an author credited. It was published by a Montessori School. They gave their point of view; I’ll give mine. It’s kind of how the internet works.

Having said that:

The article in question is one titled, Six Unusual Rules For Disciplining Your Toddler That Are Effective. The author and I…. disagree. 🙂

I don’t have a toddler anymore (at the time of this writing, my youngest is 9), but I remember the toddler years very, very well. The author and I do agree on one thing: toddlers definitely require a very specific type of parenting. But we part company on what that specific type of parenting might entail. Toddlers need a ton of patience, a ton of understanding, and a ton of grace. It is HARD to be 1. 2, 3 years old. Their list, unfortunately, takes none of this into account.

Here are their six rules, and why I’d do things differently.

Rule #1: “If you’re in the room while I’m working, you need to work also.”

What’s the goal? As you complete your chores, your children should stop bothering you or help …. Tell her she doesn’t have to help you, but she can’t just sit there and watch you; she must go in another room. She’ll have the option to help you with your chore and be with you or be by herself.

Oof. This genuinely makes me sad. First, kids (and toddlers especially!) love to be with their parents as they work, whether it’s on laundry, sweeping the floor, or making dinner. They also generally love to “help” – help is in quotations only because a 12 month old unfolding your freshly folded laundry to put it in a new pile isn’t technically helping… but she sure feels proud about doing it! As they get older, more able to follow directions, and more dexterous, they’ll enjoy helping in more and more ways. And if they don’t want to help? Maybe they just want to be with their parent. Maybe they just enjoy your company. Maybe they want to chat. Good grief, let them! Don’t banish them to another room. Life is short. Time with your kids is precious and fleeting. For real. In a couple of months, my oldest “baby” is turning 21.

Perhaps one of the most disturbing parts about this point is when they say that this rule works because “she’s given a choice so she’ll feel as if she’s in control of the situation even though she’s really not.” What’s described in this sentence is manipulation…. and manipulation of someone we love is never, ever a cool thing to do.

My alternative rule: If you’re in the room while I’m working, you’re welcome to help. If you don’t want to help, you’re welcome to just keep me company.

Rule #2: “You get whatever you get so don’t get upset.”

What’s the goal? It ends the bargaining over such things as the color sippy cup he gets, which kids TV character is on his paper plate, which sheets are on his bed, etc.

This is just being controlling for the sole sake of being controlling. I ask you, seriously, WHY can’t your child have the sippy cup he wants, or the paper plate that he wants, or his preferred sheets on his bed? The answer to that question generally lies somewhere in the vicinity of, “Because they need to learn that they can’t always get what they want!” And/or “Because they need to learn that life isn’t fair!” Yes, sure. We can’t always get what we want. And life isn’t always fair. But guess what? These are lessons that life and circumstances will, unfortunately, teach them… ideally with you as the parent at their side to help them navigate. You don’t need to actually CREATE harsh lessons for your kids just because you can! On the contrary, home should be the safe space, the soft spot to fall, the place where you can drink from your favorite cup. I have a favorite cup (actually I have several of them, depending on my mood, what I’m drinking, etc) and I always make sure to use it. Am I so inflexible that I literally can’t muster up the emotional fortitude to drink out of another one if need be? Of course not. But you guys: we all have likes and preferences. A favorite cup is such a simple, simple way to honor your kids’ likes and wishes and show them through that one small gesture – which feels like a BIG gesture – that you love them.

My alternative rule: I will always try to listen to your needs, respect your requests, and YES… you can have the purple sippy cup.

Rule #3: “We aren’t going to argue about money.”

What’s the goal? Prevent your toddler from pleading and begging for things.

Here’s the thing about money (and I have been married for nearly 25 years and we have run the full gamut when it comes to our money situation): There are three general scenarios when it comes to requests at the store. 1) Sometimes you simply don’t have the money for something. You just don’t have it. In which case, it’s entirely appropriate to tell your child, “I’m sorry, we can’t buy that today, but we can put it on your wishlist/get it next payday/save up for it”, whatever. This is both honest and fair. Might your child still be upset or disappointed? Sure! I’m sometimes upset and disappointed when something’s out of my price range too. But you honor their feelings, you help them through it, and you move on. 2) Sometimes you do have the money, and you don’t want to part with it for some reason. Maybe you’re judging how they want to spend it. Maybe you want to spend it on yourself. Maybe you just feel inconvenienced by the whole thing and saying “no” seems the simplest option. If that’s the case, I’d gently suggest doing a little work to find out why you’re saying no. Maybe you have a perfectly valid reason. Or maybe you’re being a hypocrite who’s telling her child, “We’re not buying extras today,” at the very moment that you’re paying for your overpriced Trenta caramel iced coffee with an extra shot of espresso. (True story) Getting at the “why” is important, for both of you. 3) You do have the money, and you say, “yes!” This is honestly one of my simplest pleasures as a parent. I love being able to be in the moment, and gift my kids with something that will make them happy…. whether a pack of gum, a cake pop from Starbucks, or more slime supplies from Hobby Lobby. There is nothing wrong with saying yes to your kids.

Learning to say yes more often to my kids was one of the simplest, single most life-changing parenting decision I’ve ever made. We are designed to want to give to those we love (in both tangible and non-tangible ways) It feels good to give because it IS good to give! It is a win-win for both parties. The author’s takeaway from this point is, “The way this works is if she asks for you to buy, say, a toy then you say “yes” or “no” and nothing more.” I think my kids, even as young kids, are always deserving of honestly, the right to ask questions, and the right to a discussion. (P.S. A discussion isn’t the same thing as an argument.)

My alternative rule: If we have the means, I will try to say “yes” to your requests as often as possible. If I say, “no”, you are absolutely welcome to ask why, and I will always give you an honest answer.

Rule #4: “There isn’t any such phrase as ‘I’m bored’.”

What’s the goal? This teaches your small fry to entertain himself.

So, first of all, I have taken some long (LONG), required history classes in college with really, really dry teachers. BOREDOM IS REAL. Let’s just start there. It’s not a bad thing to be bored (some great ideas sometimes manifest themselves out of boredom), nor is it a bad thing to help your child think of something to do to alleviate said boredom, if he desires that help. We all get bored from time to time. As adults, we’ll often say, “Hey, I’m bored. Want to go for a walk, go see a movie, go get some frozen yogurt?” This rule is another example of expecting your child to be a robot, rather than a human being… AND expecting more of him than you do from adults. People get bored! It’s okay! Your “small fry” will learn to entertain himself all on his own, all in his own time. It’s controlling and cruel to tell him 1) that he’s not allowed to feel something 2) that the something he reports feeling doesn’t even exist, and 3) that you refuse to help him with the problem – if he does in fact, view it as a problem. If one of my children announces that they’re bored (which they honestly don’t do all that often, mostly because they do know how to entertain themselves, despite my not having ever implemented rule #4) I’d ask if they wanted some help thinking of suggestions. Oh and by the way, making your kids do chores when they’re bored – a popular suggestion in mainstream parenting – is also controlling, and cruel, and completely counter intuitive to actually helping them learn to navigate boredom in a healthy way.

My alternative rule: If you’re feeling bored, feel free to ask me to help brainstorm.

Rule #5: “I’m not working after 8 pm.”

What’s the goal? It creates established bedtimes as well as time for yourself …Tell your little ones that a new rule has been developed by the U.S. Department of Labor that states you must not do any “mom” work after 8 pm. But hold firm to your conviction and pretend that it’s out of your control.

From the “It should go without saying” department: Parenting is a 24 hour job. I hate to break it to you. Yes, time for yourself is important, and yes, as kids get older you’ll be able to have more flexibility in this area. But when kids are little, especially when they are toddlers, they might need you at 9:00. Or at midnight. Or at 2:00 in the morning. I’m really glad that this was a rule we never implemented in my family, because some of my favorite memories of the kids were snuggled up on the couch watching TV together, sitting around the kitchen table for endless amounts of time, piling in bed to watch a movie. Chatting. laughing, having deep conversations. I wouldn’t give any of it up, for any amount of missed sleep. I’M THE MOM. I’m always the mom, and I don’t stop being the mom just because the clock strikes a certain hour.

Also, telling “your little ones that a new rule has been developed by the U.S. Department of Labor that states you must not do any “mom” work after 8 PM” is a flat-out-unabashed lie. Like manipulating, lying isn’t something you should do to people you love. It’s just not.

My alternative rule: I’m your mom 24 hours a day. Full-stop.

Rule #6: “When you talk that way, I can’t understand what you’re saying.”

What’s the goal? It helps to stop screaming, rudeness and whining.

This is the only rule that I (kind of, sort of) agree with, only in the sense that it’s okay, and preferable, to set boundaries for yourself, and for how you’re treated. But – and it’s a big but – just like adults, kids are allowed a full range of emotions, of feelings, and of opinions. Sometimes strong feelings come out sideways (this does not just apply to kids). Sometimes we whine when we’re upset (this does not just apply to kids). Sometimes we say things in the heat of the moment that we might not otherwise say (this does not just apply to kids). And sometimes we take things out on the most convenient target, even if it’s someone we love (again… this does not just apply to kids). We are HUMAN BEINGS, and we possess a giant array of feelings, of behavior, and ways of expressing ourselves. In a perfect world, we’d all behave politely and communicate maturely every second of every day. But it doesn’t always work like that. Which is where grace comes in. Sometimes heaping amounts of grace. Yes, setting boundaries is important, and yes, it’s absolutely okay to talk to your child – in much the same way you’d talk to an angry spouse or friend or family member – about their delivery (for lack of a better word). But their feelings, like ALL their feelings, have validity.

Finally, the author says, “When toddlers do any of those things, they’re only looking for drama or attention.” Maybe so. But if they’re looking for attention in such a volatile way, perhaps it’s because they’ve failed to get it elsewhere. Perhaps their “screaming, rudeness, and whining,” is in fact, a literal cry for help. Behavior never exists in a vacuum. Find out why it’s happening, and you can address your issue. Ignoring your child, shutting him down, or insisting he stay quiet will ultimately only make the situation (and your relationship) worse.

Children are to be seen AND heard.

My alternative rule: Come to me when you’re upset, and we’ll figure it all out together.

________________________________________

The article closes with this:

We’re sure there are more fantastic rules like these out there—or perhaps you can create some of your own. Yes, it’s true that some of these (or maybe all) aren’t really rules but rather an announcement of policies in your home. Either way, whatever you call them, they’re sure to make your life (and your toddler’s) go a bit smoother.

Sure, it’ll make your life go a bit smoother if your goal is to have quiet, compliant, obedient children. But if you want to have…. REAL children? Children who feel valued, and confident, and loved? Children who know who they are, who own their feelings, who stand up for what’s right? Children who are capable of healthy and genuine connections with their parent/s and with the people around them? You might consider doing the exact opposite.

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Filed under gentle discipline, gentle parenting, mindful parenting, parenting

April 22, 2016 · 2:34 PM

I’m Not The Meanest Mom

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I realized something recently. As adults, we like to hear stories of other adults performing some sort of kindness. We like the feel-good stories of people helping their fellow man, standing up to injustice, or showing love to a total stranger. It restores our faith in humanity. It makes us feel good, and it motivates us to be kinder ourselves. Kinder. Gentler. More compassionate. You know what we don’t see all that often? People sharing about the times they weren’t all that kind, or respectful, or compassionate. And sure, we’re human. We’ve all done it: We have a bad day, and we inadvertently and regrettably take it out on some poor nearby soul. But we don’t rush to share those days, because we recognize – both on an intellectual level and on a heart level – that it’s not exactly something to brag about.

But when it’s a parent being unkind towards a child? We* (as a society) not only tolerate this bad behavior, but we embrace it. We actually cheer it on.

When it comes to kids, we glorify violence. We celebrate cruelty.

So while we seem to have it right when it comes to adult on adult behavior, our collective treatment of our children is abhorrent, and getting more concerning by the day. Baby, we’ve got a long way to go.

I feel like it started with the laptop shooting dad, but it has multiplied at an alarming rate since then. This trend of publicly parenting through bullying, shame, and intimidation is everywhere. I feel like I can’t go a single day anymore without seeing another one. Parenting has become a contest, but a sick one. A contest not to find the sweetest mom, or the most competent mom, but the meanest mom. Everything is backwards. Meanness is exalted, spitefulness is praised. Parents boast about how mean they are to their kids, and instead of gently suggesting alternatives (or possibly better yet, denying them any attention at all), we put them on a pedestal. We feed this very cycle of unkindness. A quick perusal of the comment threads on any one of these public shamings tells us everything we need to know. Hundreds, and yes, thousands of positive comments, singing the praises of meanness, shouting their rallying accolades, and devouring anyone who dare stand up for the children.

How can we do this to these little ones, the most vulnerable members of our society? The people who need the most empathy and the most tender care, are being maligned, minimized and mistreated.

And we’re watching it happen.

I don’t know the answer. I don’t. I know we need to keep talking about it. I know we can’t quietly sit back and accept it.

But it starts at home. It starts with our own kids.

And listen, I’m the first one to admit I’m not a perfect mom. None of us are. I struggle sometimes with patience. I sometimes let sleep deprivation get the better of me and am unnecessarily short with my kids. I have to constantly remind myself to live in the moment. I have to constantly remind myself not to sweat the small stuff.

Yes, I apologize to my children often.

But the big difference between me and the “meanest mom” supporters is that I’m saddened by mean behavior (by or towards anyone), not buoyed by it. So no, I won’t pat you on the back for celebrating meanness. No, I won’t be offering any “Atta girl!”s or “Way to go!”s or “Good job, mom!”s. No, I won’t praise you for being unkind.

And I get it. My opinion is the unpopular one. The cool kids are all worshiping at the alter of childism. Well, I opt out. I don’t want to be a part of your club. I don’t stand in solidarity with anyone who rallies around the idea of mistreating children. I don’t care how loud your voices are. I don’t care how many members you have. I don’t care how good your cookies are.

I Opt Out.

In my life, in my world, I will celebrate kindness. I will cheer for compassion. I will stand up for grace, and forgiveness, and gentle communication.

Children learn from our actions. Throwing away a child’s ice cream (because in his childlike excitement he forgot to say “thank you”) doesn’t teach him to say thank you, it doesn’t teach him what it means to be polite, and it doesn’t teach him gratitude. It teaches him that if someone doesn’t behave in the way we want, that it’s okay to bully them, and that it’s okay to take someone else’s things.

Children learn from our actions. Spanking a child for misbehaving doesn’t teach him right from wrong. It teaches him that “might makes right”, that pain and fear are effective motivators, and that it’s okay to use physical force on someone who’s younger and more vulnerable than you.

Children learn from our actions. Sending a child to time out when he’s having a hard time doesn’t teach him to think about his actions. It teaches him that mom is going to isolate him from her attention, her love, and her touch, at the very moment when he is needing them the most.

Children learn from our actions. Publicly shaming a child a for making a mistake doesn’t teach him not to do it again. It teaches him, again, to use bullying to solve his problems. It teaches him that he can’t trust the one person he should be able to trust the most. It teaches him to feel worthless, and ashamed, and humiliated… making him even MORE likely to repeat the behavior in the future.

Children learn from our actions. Punishing a child (as opposed to kindly communicating, listening, and guiding) does not teach him respect. Or responsibility. Or accountability. It teaches him to be bitter. To be angry. To be spiteful. It teaches him to be extrinsically motivated by the fear of mom’s negative repercussions, rather than intrinsically and positively motivated by his own internal sense of right and wrong.

If you want to raise kids that are polite, respectful, and kind, start by being polite, respectful, and kind to your kids.

It starts with you. It starts with us.

Let’s stop glorifying bullies, and start treating our kids the way we’d like to be treated ourselves.

Kids are people too.

#NotTheMeanestMom

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Filed under bullying, gentle discipline, gentle parenting, headlines, mindful parenting, parenting

April 11, 2016 · 10:41 AM

When You Can’t Walk Into Their Room Without Tripping

Photo Credit: Matt Gromes

The newest parenting-related picture to go viral on Facebook is a photo of a huge stack of filled trash bags. Mom captioned the photo with the explanation that her teenage daughter wouldn’t clean her room, so the mom bagged everything up, and was making her daughter pay her $25 a bag to get her stuff back. It was hard to tell just how many bags there were, as they were all stacked on top of each other, but there were clearly enough for the daughter to owe her mother at least a few hundred dollars.

As is usually the case, the comments were overwhelmingly positive, and the mother was almost universally praised. I’m always kind of amazed at the feedback on these things. I’d like to think – really, I need to think – that there are people out there who don’t feel right about it, but who just don’t know what else they would do in that situation. Or maybe there are people who want to offer some alternatives, but they are shamed into silence by the “Stop being so judgmental!!” crowd. (By the way, when you publicly boast online about how proud you of are how you’re punishing your children, you are explicitly inviting feedback. It’s the way the internet works)

Dialogue is a useful thing. Lots of parents can relate to the struggle of kids and messes, but not every parent chooses punishment and/or shame as a parenting tactic. There are alternatives to navigating even the messiest of messy rooms, that do not involve bagging up all their stuff and throwing or giving it away, or making them earn it back.

As with everything else, it all begins with relationship:

1. Recognize that everyone is different. Personality and individual constitution play a big role here. Some people are naturally very tidy. Some make a mess everywhere they go. I am very much the latter. And while I’ve come to appreciate how much better I operate in a clean, uncluttered environment, it is something that I have to continually work on. I am 42 years old, and I still have to make a conscious effort to keep things picked up. Harping on me or shaming me would not only not encourage me, but would also make me angry, and even less likely to put forth the effort. Kids are no different! If you make them feel badly about themselves, they’ll live up to the negative. Instead, help and encourage them, and see what a difference it makes, both in their behavior and in your own peace with the situation. Accept them the way they are, and resist the urge to compare and pit one against the other. Comments like, “Why can’t you be more like Henry?” are hurtful, and leave scars that last well beyond childhood.

2. Adjust your expectations. I am not a big fan of the phrase, “Pick your battles,” but bedroom cleanliness is one area where it may apply. It’s okay – and yes, even a positive thing! – for them to have the freedom to keep their own personal space the way they like it. Some things shouldn’t be negotiable, for good reason (for example: leaving food or trash laying around can attract bugs; too much clutter on the floor can become a safety hazard) But there is a whole range of happy compromise in between hospital corners and things-are-growing-faster-than-bacteria-in-a-petri-dish. Adjusting your own expectations and working with your child, rather than against him, go a long way towards both keeping the peace in the home and your relationship intact.

3. Model taking care of your own things. I have found, again and again, that when I’m in a good routine myself, the kids tend to magically follow suit. Show them what it looks like to take pride in your home. Pick up after yourself. Put things away after you use them. Don’t grumble about housework. Treat it as an act of service for yourself, and for your family. Your kids learn far more from watching you than they do from any speeches you may give them about cleanliness.

4. Ask them to pick up before things get out of control. I think we have a tendency … (and when I say “we”, I mean “I”) … I think we have a tendency to let things fester and not say anything about them while they build. Then, we inevitably get resentful, the situation gets blown out of proportion, and we finally burst. We finally say something, or ask for help, and we’re not very nice about it. It is a whole lot easier – and more peaceful for all involved – to say, “Can you please pick up these legos on the floor so I can tuck you in without hurting my feet?” than it is to deal with the fallout of a room that’s reached a level of “We need to rent a dumpster and fill 87 trash bags if we want to see the floor again.” Getting into good habits, working together, and talking to your kids instead of barking orders helps the entire household run more smoothly and peacefully. Plus, it is far less work to deal with little messes as they happen than it is to deal with giant messes that have been accumulating over time.

5. When it does get bad, ask if you can help. So, you’re thinking, “Picking up before things get out of control sounds nice in theory, but that ship has already sailed.” I so get it. Speaking as both a mom and as a person who has a natural tendency to let messes take over: I think that when it gets to that point, it isn’t so much that your kids don’t want to pick up as it is that they are overwhelmed at the enormity of the project and don’t even know where to start. The struggle is real! Ask if you can help. Break it up into smaller jobs and tackle it together. Do whatever works well to get the job done. Make it a game, set timers, play some music. If they don’t mind you touching their things (some of my kids would rather do it themselves, some welcome the assistance), you can even surprise them by doing it for them. It’s a huge gift to give them, and my daughter in particular is always so thankful. Then, once you’ve gotten it under control again, re-visit #4. Repeat as necessary.

6. Help/encourage them to periodically cull through their belongings. The less “stuff” you have, the easier it is to keep it organized. Every so often (ideally a couple of times a year, or at least before big gift-giving occasions like Christmas) help them go through their things to see if there’s anything they don’t want anymore that they can then sell, donate, or give away. Personality plays a large role here too. Some kids have no problem giving up toys that they don’t play with anymore, even if they just got it a year ago. Others really like to hang on. Respect where they’re at, and work with them on solutions. Help them find new homes for the things they don’t want, and help them organize and store the things that are staying.

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It is a frustrating feeling indeed when messes get out of control. But giving into that frustration and unloading it via yelling, punishing, or shaming your kids doesn’t help anyone… not you, and certainly not your child. Instead, take a deep breath, – or 10 or 100 – take the emotion out of it, and work together on solutions. You’re not going to change your child (and really, would you want to??!!), but you can help him with strategies he can use, both now and in the future.

And as for you as the parent? Remind yourself as often as necessary that kids are all different, and that that’s okay. Tell yourself that you’ll respect your kids where they’re at. Work with your kids on keeping their rooms tidy, but recognize that the space is ultimately theirs, and that that’s okay too. Decide what is non-negotiable and let go of the rest.

And if all else fails, just shut the door.

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Filed under gentle discipline, gentle parenting, housekeeping, parenting

January 3, 2016 · 10:52 AM

5 Phrases To Use When Your Child Is Having a Hard Time

There’s an article getting passed around on social media right now titled, “5 Phrases That Will Make Your Kids Stop Crying and Begging.” The author sets the stage of a child who’s upset because she wasn’t allowed to get the candy she wanted at the grocery store. Using phrases such as “Asked and answered,” “This conversation is over,” and “The decision has been made. If you ask again there will be a consequence” will halt such tantrums on the spot, she tells us, and remind the child who’s boss. By the way – and I hope it’s not too much of a spoiler alert – when she says, “consequence”, what she really means is “punishment”.

Now I tend to be a parent who says, “yes” as much as possible. An occasional cookie or two before dinner, or an inexpensive impulse buy at the checkout lane don’t really rank on my list of things on which to draw a hard line. But even if they did? Even during those moments when I do absolutely have to say “no” to something? (And yes, to be sure, there are moments when I need to say no) That is a time to help them learn to work through their disappointment in a healthy way. It’s a time to hear them, and to empathize with them. It is NOT a time to ignore their feelings and shut them down. It is not a time for punishing them for being human. Being sad or disappointed sometimes is normal and okay!

Approaches like the one outlined in this article not only teach a child to squash their emotions. They are also extremely adversarial, and set up an “us vs them” mentality between parent and child. While some parents would advise that it’s simply a matter of learning to pick your battles, I never want to view any interaction with my child as a battle. We’re on the same team!

Here then are five alternative things I might say when my child is crying or disappointed.

I’m sorry.

When a dear friend is venting to you because he got passed over for a promotion, do you shut him down with a “This conversation is over”? Of course not. You tell him you’re sorry. To a toddler, that cookie is just as important as the promotion, and his feelings of sadness are real. I think adults probably tend to forget that, because social media has made it so easy for parents to share and pass off children’s big feelings over seemingly small things as funny or cute. But their feelings are genuine, and because they are young, they know no other way to express them other than through crying or yelling. As a parent you can either shut them down and essentially tell them to stop feeling what they’re feeling, or you can help them work through it, and by extension eventually learn more mature or sophisticated ways of expressing their emotions. I always strive to go with the latter, and it all starts with empathy.
I hear you.

Or I know, or it really stinks. I’ve been in and out of doctors’ offices a lot this year, especially the last few months. And while some of my symptoms are things that the doctor can see, or quantify on paper, some are completely subjective (like pain and fatigue.) This past week, one of my doctors said the best thing I’d heard in months. She said – and meant – “I believe you.” Seriously, it was huge for me. Anyone who’s ever suffered from a mystery ailment knows how incredibly frustrating it is to think that everyone around you is starting to believe that you’re just crazy. I think that one of the biggest things we need and desire as humans sharing this world is just to be heard. We want to know that someone is listening, that they are hearing what we are saying, and that they understand. Children are no different. Telling them that you’re sorry is a great place to start, but when you tell them that you hear them… that you understand… that YES, I know you wanted that cookie and it really sucks sometimes when we don’t get what we want… you’re taking it one step further, you’re validating their feelings, and you’re letting them know that you get it. That is a hugely powerful and healing thing, to kids and adults alike.
It’s okay to be sad.

Did you ever notice how often adults apologize for crying? They’ll be engaged in a conversation, and be overcome with emotion. They’ll well up, or a tear will escape, and they’ll shake their head and mutter, “I’m sorry,” while quickly brushing the tears away. I can’t help but wonder if it’s because it’s such a common practice to tell kids to stop crying. Are we creating a whole society of emotionally stunted adults? It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to cry. Giving your child a safe space to feel what they feel, and letting them know – whether through words or actions – that what they’re feeling is okay goes a long way towards helping them work through their emotions.
How can I help?

A couple of weeks ago, Tegan (7 at the time of this writing) was terribly disappointed about a cancelled play date and sleepover that she’d been so looking forward to for days. It had been a long time since I’d seen her that disappointed about something. She didn’t want to play, didn’t want to use the computer (ordinarily one of her favorite things) and didn’t want to talk to any friends. I hugged her, told her how sorry I was, and finally asked, “Do you want to do something with me to take your mind off it, or do you just need to be sad?” She answered, “I just need to be sad.” So she was. I sat with her on the couch, and I gave her space to be sad. I think our first response too often tends to err on the side of trying to cheer someone up, probably because we’re uncomfortable with expressions of big feelings (see number 3). But sometimes what a person needs is to just be sad. And sometimes they do want to be cheered up! The only way to know for sure is to ask, and in the case of a younger child, read and respect what they’re telling you non-verbally.
Next time….

In the case of the cancelled sleepover, there really wasn’t anything I could do to make it better, other than tell her I was sure we’d be able to reschedule for another time. (We were, and we did, and she had a great time). Sometimes though, depending on the child and the circumstance, it can be helpful to be specific about future plans:

“Next time we come to the store, we’ll get a balloon.”

“Payday is Friday, so we can get ice cream then.”

“We don’t have time to stop at the playground today, but we can go this weekend.” Etc.

And then be sure to follow through! The foundation of a good relationship with your children – of a good relationship with anyone – is trust, and letting them know 1) that you’re on their side, and 2) that your word is good goes a long way towards establishing that trust.

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Our interactions with our children should never be about manipulation and control. They should be about connection, and about helping these little people entrusted in our care to navigate the world with kindness, compassion and respect. Dealing with, and working through, emotions is a big part of being human, so the last thing we want to do is deny our children that experience…. especially when they can do it with their most trusted adult at their side.

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Filed under discipline, gentle discipline, gentle parenting, parenting

December 2, 2015 · 7:00 AM

Instead of Punishment: Where to Start

I have four kids who’ve never been spanked. I would like to say that they’ve never been punished at all, but while we’d resolved from the very beginning not to physically hurt our children, moving away from punishments completely took a little more time. Thankfully, our youngest three have grown up with no punishments of any kind (which, as it always stands to be said again, is not the same thing as growing up without discipline. The two words are not synonymous.)

For lots of other families though, the decision comes much later…. after they’ve already used spankings and/or timeouts and other traditional parenting methods. They’re convicted by something they’ve read, or by a friend or family member, or maybe just because they feel an inner stirring that something isn’t right. Whatever the reason, they resolve to stop spanking and punishing, and feel really confident about their decision.

And then – not always, but often – there’s that moment of sheer panic.

One question that I get a lot, in various forms, is this:

If I don’t spank, what do I do?

And I get it. I do. It’s one thing to embrace a philosophy, and quite another to feel equipped in that moment when your child sticks a pen through a sofa cushion just to see what will happen… or shoves (another) sandwich into the slot in the VCR… or throws her brothers shoes into a lake… *

The question is a good one, and the answer far too involved to fully cover in one blog post. My hope is that the following list will serve as a good place to start.

1. Change your perspective.

The reason that there’s no one single answer to the question, “What do you do instead of spanking?” is that moving away from punishments requires an entirely new mindset. It’s not a one-for-one deal. Punishments (and their cousins, rewards) reduce your interaction with your children to a transaction: you apply some sort of prescribed action, and you – hopefully – get a desired result. But that’s not the way respectful relationships work. At least it shouldn’t be! You shouldn’t try to control your children through punishment, fear, and manipulation tactics any more than you should do so to your spouse, or sister, or best friend. So while it is imperative that you learn and practice peaceful tools for dealing with stressful situations (more on that in point two), your entire perspective also needs to shift before you can really understand gentle parenting. It’s not about control; it’s about connection. It’s not about rules; it’s about relationships. You’re going to have to ask yourself, possibly over and over again, “Is what I’m about to do/say going to bring me and my child closer together, or draw us further apart?” But wait, that sounds like work. Wouldn’t it be easier just to spank? Well… yes! It takes time, and care, and effort to parent without punishments. In order to commit to parenting with more mindfulness and respect you need to be all in. You need to realize and recognize that your children aren’t yours to control, but are their own unique, living, breathing HUMANS, who deserve to be treated with as much care and consideration as you’d extend to any other person that you loved. The parent/child relationship is one of the most important relationships you will ever have. And just like any key relationship, it needs to be nurtured in order to stay healthy and strong. Shifting your focus to your relationship with your child – and to making it sweeter, and kinder, and gentler – takes effort, to be sure, but it is by far one of the most rewarding things you can do….. for you and your child both.

2. Equip yourself with positive tools.

So you’re working on changing your perspective, you’re focused on the relationship… and then the 2 year old gets angry and hurls a remote control at her brother’s head. What do you do? The nice thing is that the more connected you are with your child, the easier it is to react with patience in the moment. You’ll know your child, you’ll know yourself, and you’ll figure out how best to problem-solve together. Before you can problem-solve though, you need to diffuse the immediate issue. Here are a few great places to start:

Breathe. It sounds like a cliche, but it’s not. Unless someone’s in imminent danger, your very first response (especially if you’re angry or frustrated) needs to be breathing! Take a deep breath before you speak. Take 20, or 100. Intentional breathing sends oxygen through your body, releases endorphins, slows your heart rate, calms your adrenaline, and reduces stress and anxiety.

Listen. Behavior doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Really stop and listen to what your child is trying to tell you. Are they tired? Frustrated? Angry? Not feeling heard? Just experimenting? Find out the WHY behind the behavior, and you’ll know better how to proceed.

Empathize. One of the most powerful and healing gifts someone can give us is empathy, and children are no exception. Let them know that you hear what they’re saying, and that you understand how they’re feeling.

Redirect. So much of what young children are punished for is completely normal and age-appropriate explorations. Children learn from these explorations, so the last thing we want to do is punish them for it! Instead, when your child does something unsafe, unkind, etc, consistently stop the behavior with a simple explanation (the younger the child, the fewer the words you should use), and move them on to a new activity. With time and patience – and a parent by their side – they learn.

Take a time-IN. Sometimes, what everyone needs is a change of scenery. Pretty much the opposite of a time-out, which separates you from your child at a moment when they’re most needing connection, a time-in gives you both a chance to breathe, re-group, and get re-connected, together. A time-in can consist of any sort of new activity that you and your child find enjoyable. There’s a long list of suggestions here.

3. Walk beside them as they learn to safely navigate the world.

One of the things that I hear people say a lot is that they only spank for the most serious of infractions, such as safety issues. I call it the, “But how will they learn to stay out of the street??” defense. And it sounds reasonable enough. If ever there was a time to spank, it’d be when their life was on the line, right? But I couldn’t disagree more. I actually think that safety issues are one of the weakest arguments for spanking, and here’s why: any good parent’s gut instinct is going to tell them to react, and react in a hurry, if their child is in harm’s way. Your toddler’s headed for a busy street, you react. Your baby’s about to stick a fork into an electrical outlet, you react. And your facial expression, your words, your tone of voice, and your body language as you quickly move them to safety teach them everything they need to know…. without teaching them that they also need to fear pain at your hands as they’re learning. Navigate life with them. Hold their hands when they cross the street. Show them how to safely carry scissors and make toast and start a fire. Help them keep their footing on the rocky trail. BE THERE with them as they figure out how life works, and they will naturally gain confidence and independence, all without ever having been punished for getting it wrong.

4. Show them what respect looks like.

Along the same lines as number 3, children are not born knowing how to interact respectfully with the people around them. They count on us as their parents to show them. They don’t need punishments to learn that words are more effective than hitting for solving conflicts. They don’t need punishments to learn that it’s unkind to call somebody stupid. They don’t need punishments to learn that it’s impolite to tell Grandma that the dinner she spent two hours making tastes “gross.” What they need is a parent who shows up; who shows them what it means to be respectful; who intervenes when they’re doing something that makes someone else feel sad, or scared, or uncomfortable; who interacts with them, and for them as they learn the intricacies of sharing our planet with others. One of the biggest misconceptions that I think people have about gentle parenting is that it is the same thing as permissive parenting. The two are actually polar opposites. One is conscientious, and the other is neglect. If you see a parent who is sitting back and just watching as her child does something that is disrespectful or somehow harmful to someone else… that is not a gentle parent. That is someone who is failing to be a parent.

Show up. Be there. Help them navigate.

5. Don’t sweat the small stuff (and it’s ALL small stuff).

A couple of years ago, a video went around Facebook that showed the aftermath of two unattended kids with a 5 lb bag of flour. There was flour all down the hallway. On the couches. On the chairs. On the kids. In the carpet. In the drapes. Flour everywhere. All five pounds of it. Part of me for sure felt sympathy for the mom who filmed it because I’ve been there. And oof. The clean-up. But another part me said, “Eh. Small stuff.” If you’re going to have kids, you’re going to have messes. Things are going to be broken and spilled and smeared and dumped and spread. It’s all part of the experience. And the greatest thing I learned between child one and child four (besides to stop and take a picture before I do anything else, because those photos are treasured later) is that that stuff just doesn’t matter. People matter. Love matters. Messes, accidents…. it’s all just “stuff.” Not worth getting upset over, and certainly not worth yelling or punishing over. And just like with anything else, with time and patience and consistency, they really do learn to keep the flour in the bag.

6. Know their triggers (and yours).

Stop me if this sounds familiar. You head out bright and early with your toddler to run a long list of errands. You know he’s going to be missing his morning nap, but he’ll catch a few minutes of sleep in the car. He’s pretty amiable for the first few stops. He helps pick out the apples at the grocery store. He enjoys his lollipop from the bank teller. He starts getting antsy at the dry cleaners, pulling at your pant legs, whining, and rubbing his eyes. Back in the car, you reach in your bag to get his little tupperware container of Cheerios, but realize you left it on the kitchen counter. You know you should probably head home, but you decide to squeeze in just one more stop. You’re in the drug store when he reaches meltdown mode. He cries when you pick him up, and cries harder when you set him down. Tired, hungry, bored, and overstimulated, he doesn’t want to walk, doesn’t want to be carried, and eventually settles for sitting on the floor as the tears fall and the screams escalate.

We’ve all got our triggers. And we’ve all got our breaking points. If adults get cranky and unreasonable when they’re tired and hungry (and we all know adults for whom this is the case, or we *are* an adult for whom this is the case) how much more understandable is it for a child? Taking care to ensure that basic needs are met, that kids are fed and rested and attended to can go a long way towards more peaceful outings and more pleasant interactions for all. My kids are older now – at the time of this writing they are 18, 15, 11, and 7 – but even now I know who isn’t at their happiest in the mornings. I know who is very sensitive to the feeling of being left out. I know who works best when their surroundings are neat and tidy. I know who has a hard time handling even a small lack of sleep. Being aware, and respectful of, both our own triggers and the triggers of our children allows us to treat each other with more care, and more kindness. It is categorically unfair, not to mention incredibly unkind, to ignore someone’s personal “buttons”, and then punish them for the reaction that we knew was coming.

7. Practice the golden rule.

A lot of parents seem want to want to demand respect from their children, just because they’re the adults, but don’t treat their children in a manner that’s particularly deserving of that respect. The age-old adage of treating others the way you’d like to be treated yourself applies not just equally, but more when it comes to your children. They are looking to you as their example. They are learning from you how to treat people. If you want your children to be respectful, treat them with respect. If you want your children to be polite, be polite when you speak to them (and to each other!). If you want your children to embody kindness and compassion and humility and generosity, show them what it looks like.

8. Take care of YOU.

There seems to be a general push by society to get away from your kids. From the importance of regular “date nights”, to putting them in daycare and preschool at a young age, to extended vacations without them… there’s no shortage of advice telling us to separate. I tend to believe the opposite: I think it’s very important that we’re with our kids as much as possible (especially when they’re young), and that true independence will happen naturally and easily when it’s allowed to happen on their time, not ours.

That doesn’t mean though that I don’t think self-care is important! On the contrary, it’s almost impossible to properly care for someone else when you’re not first taking good care of yourself. Even when you need to force yourself – or more accurately, especially when you need to force yourself – caring for your own needs (be they physical, social, emotional, spiritual, intellectual, creative….) is an integral part of parenting well. I can’t speak for all moms, but I find it way too easy to lose myself in my kids, and go go go until I’m exhausted and cranky and burnt out. And I learned somewhere along the way that when the kids and I get off-track, when people are out of sorts, when behavior starts getting wonky…. nine times out of ten it’s because I’ve been neglecting myself, which then caused me to be snippy and impatient and disconnected. When I focus on taking better care of me, I’m able to then have the proper wherewithal to give my kids what they need as well. Kids need a parent who is fully invested. And in another cliche that’s turned out to be true: You can’t fill your kids’ cups until you’ve filled your own.

[color-box] BONUS: Looking for more specific suggestions for when your child hits, or tells you “no”, or has a hard time transitioning? Download my free PDF, listing ten of the most common (and most frustrating) toddler/young child behaviors, along with specific examples of what you can say and how you can respond gently and without punishment. [/color-box]

Moving beyond punishment, and parenting with connection instead of control, takes deliberate and mindful choices, as well as an ongoing commitment and effort (at times, a lot of effort). And the reward is not in some hypothetical promise of how my kids are going to “turn out” some day. No, the beauty of gentle parenting is in the relationship that I enjoy with my kids right now… a relationship that’s sweeter and closer and more connected than I know it would be otherwise. Having children that are kind hearted and respectful and compassionate? That’s just a bonus.

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P.S. I am working on a month long, premium course that dives much deeper into each of the eight points above. Make sure you’re on my mailing list if you’d like to receive a notification of its release.

* Examples may or may not have been taken from my own life.

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Filed under gentle discipline, gentle parenting, mindful parenting, parenting, spanking

October 16, 2014 · 9:34 AM

Book Review: Gentle Firmness by Stephanie Cox

It is clear that fear is the main effect of spanking, no matter how it is done. Believing that God wants children to be hit often leads many children to struggle with their relationships with God or to be so afraid of Him that they totally reject Him.

~ Stephanie Cox

Gentle Firmness, by Stephanie Cox, is one of the most important new books to join the gentle parenting movement, particularly for Christians. Thorough and well-researched, it takes an unflinching look at the history of spanking within the Christian faith; why the Bible doesn’t actually say what so many well-intentioned pro-spankers think it says; the harmful and often long-term effects of spanking; and finally, practical suggestions on what peaceful parents can do instead.

While there are thankfully a growing number of prominent Christians speaking out against spanking, this particular book stands out for a couple of reasons. Though it is woven with personal accounts, it is rooted in research, history, and details. The entire first section of the book clearly shows exactly how the practice of corporal punishment within the Christian faith comes from man, not from God. Cox gives detailed accounts of the influence of Jonathan and Susanna Wesley, and the beliefs of Calvinism, had on spanking. It goes on to illustrate the very real lifelong effects of this kind of parenting (I was happy to see that she thoroughly addressed the oft heard, “I was spanked as a child, and I’m fine!”)

One complaint that I often hear from pro-spankers is along the lines of, “Well that’s all well and good. But if you don’t spank, what do you do?” It’s easy for a spanking advocate to make the leap in thinking that says that if you don’t spank, then you must not discipline at all. That is of course not the case, and Cox spends Part Four of the book discussing exactly that. It’s important to note that she isn’t advocating for swapping spanking with other types of punishments such as time-out either. What she espouses is truly parenting in Jesus’s footsteps: parenting – and by extension, disciplining – with kindness, compassion, and grace. Lots and lots of grace.

I am utterly thankful for this book, and for Stephanie Cox and the important work that she is doing. My own personal knowledge of the history of spanking was spotty at best, and while I truly believed that the Bible did not advocate spanking, my responses to the contrary generally never got more in-depth than, “Jesus wouldn’t hit a child.” This book, and Stephanie’s research, fills in all those gaps. It provides the answers, it cites the research, it documents the history. It exposes all the misinformation, and puts Christians firmly (but gently :)) on the right track of truly following the Bible when it comes to matters of parenting.

The tagline reads, “Conveying the True Love of Jesus to Your Children Through His Example,” and that’s exactly what it does. This is truly a refreshing and encouraging book, one that should be on the bookshelves of churches and Christian parents everywhere.

You can follow Stephanie on the Gentle Firmness Facebook page here.

*I was given a free copy of this book in exchange for an honest review. All opinions are my own.*

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Filed under book reviews, gentle discipline, gentle parenting

September 15, 2014 · 12:35 PM

Hitting is Hitting is Hitting

On March 27th, 2014, an NFL player named Ray Rice was indicted by a grand jury for third-degree aggravated assault on his then-fiancee, Janay Palmer. This past week, the website TMZ released footage of him punching Palmer, which led to the Baltimore Ravens terminating his contract.

Also this week: Adrian Peterson, another player with the NFL, was indicted for child abuse when his child’s mother noticed whipping injuries on their 4 year old son’s legs, and took him to a doctor who contacted the authorities. Peterson was benched by the Minnesota Vikings, but was reinstated three days later.

Like most people, I’m angry and saddened and frustrated by these stories of violence in the news. In this instance though, the disparity of the public’s reaction to these two similar cases has left me particularly cold. I would say I was shocked, but sadly I’m not. This is 2014, and children are still seen as second-class citizens.

While few are defending Rice – people overwhelmingly, and rightly, realize that it’s not okay to use physical violence against your partner – many are rising up to speak out in support of Peterson, who was just as violent, only against a small child.

“He should be able to discipline as he sees fit.”

“That’s just the way people are raised in the South”

“People need to butt out and let him parent however he wants.”

“I don’t get why he’s in legal trouble for disciplining his own kid.”

“Someone explain what Adrian Peterson did that was considered child abuse?”

“I don’t see what the big deal is. I got my ass whooped as a child, and I turned out fine.”

Let me be very, very clear when I say this: There is NO defense for what he did. There is no defense or justification or excuse for hitting a small child, ever. What he did was wrong. It pains me to have say it out loud, but that doesn’t make it any less true. It is wrong.

And to the people who are out there saying, “Yeah, he took it too far. There is a difference between spanking and beating. There’s nothing wrong with spanking/some kids need it/they have to learn, etc,” I humbly offer that you are indeed part of the problem.

Stop.

Stop making it a game of semantics. Stop pretending that it’s okay to hit children if you add certain qualifiers. Stop refusing to see spanking for what it is. Stop believing that children are lesser beings than other humans. Stop perpetuating the cycle of violence. Stop ignoring the fact that if you’re still advocating for hitting people smaller than you that you are not fine. Stop equating DISCIPLINE with PUNISHMENT. Stop defending people who hit their children, and start speaking out for the people who can’t speak out for themselves.

And to my fellow Christians? Stop using misinterpretations of the Bible as an excuse for hitting children. It’s an unending conversation, and I’m not having it anymore. I will no longer publish, acknowledge, or respond to any comments that claim the Bible commands us to spank. Read Jesus the Gentle Parent. Read Gentle Firmness. Read Thy Rod and Thy Staff They Comfort Me (this one is a free download). Read the words of the people who have put in the time and the research and the study that shows that the Bible just doesn’t say what you think it says. Don’t let ignorance be an excuse.

As a Christian (and just as a caring human being), I believe that relationships should start from a place of love and respect. I believe this to be true of ALL relationships, but especially the relationship between parent and child. Hitting has no place in any loving relationship. Our children look up to us. They learn from us how to navigate the world. How to solve problems. How to get along with others. How to deal with conflict. Hitting our children, for any reason, raises them to be people who believe that hitting is a reasonable, acceptable way to interact with others. It raises them to be people who, unless they fight to break the cycle, will hit their own children.

It raises them to be individuals who defend people like Adrian Peterson.

Stop the justification and the word games and the Bible-verse-slinging. Spanking, swatting, switching, popping, tapping… paint it any color you’d like. It’s all hitting, and it’s all wrong.

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Filed under gentle discipline, gentle parenting, headlines, parenting

July 19, 2014 · 6:34 PM

We ALL Need Boundaries – some thoughts on my nanny response, one week later

“Nauseating.”

Nauseating. That’s one of the most recent comments I’ve read in response to my 5 (Alternative) Reasons post, which has since become my single most viewed, and most shared, post of all time. Truth be told, I’ve grown sort of fond of the one-word critiques. They’re succinct, to-the-point, and require no attention on my part. They rip right off like a band-aid. Plus, there’s just something exhausting (albeit mildly amusing) about reading the three paragraph diatribes expressing disgust and irritation and annoyance at the mere existence of my words.

That’s not to say that I didn’t receive positive comments as well. I did! I read many lovely and encouraging words of support, and I appreciated every single one of them. Sometimes I get bogged down in feelings of, “No one understands” (which tends to extend into, “I must be a horrible writer”), so hearing that someone both gets what I said, and even concurs with me is hugely validating. Thank you for that, truly.

Ah, but the critics abound.

And after a week of reading, and reflecting, and ruminating, I’ve recognized some honest objections that deserve some follow-up. In keeping with the spirit of the original post, I’ve organized them into five main categories. In no particular order:

1. You suck / I hate this / This is the worst piece of drivel I’ve ever read. Just kidding. Not about getting those comments, but about them deserving a response. Every time something I’ve written is shared more than a few times, sooner or later I get the above responses, nearly verbatim (I’ve filtered out the F – words. You’re welcome) And honestly, I can really only feel sorry for people who 1) feel so badly about themselves that they need to try to tear others down, and 2) have nothing better to do with their internet time than troll blogs that they hate. Also in this category are the people who made comments about gentle parenting producing “spoiled rotten little brats”, and sadly there were lots of them. The issue of spoiling is one to be discussed for sure… but not with people whose first line of defense is to resort to calling children names. I’d like to think we’re all adults here, and as such should be able to have conversations sans name-calling.

2. But kids need boundaries! I absolutely agree. Kids do need boundaries. We all need healthy boundaries, regardless of our age. Lovingly and respectfully helping our children establish and maintain their own personal boundaries is an important part of any kind of mindful parenting…. which is why I’ve never – in this post or any post – stated otherwise. The people who are raising this objection are reading something that simply isn’t there. One of the limitations of a blog post as a means of communication is that it’s just a snippet of a larger philosophy; not the whole picture. I would have to add about a jillion disclaimers to every post to head off this kind of assumption, and nobody wants to read that. So let me just state for the record, as clearly and plainly as I possibly can:

Gentle parenting does not mean that there are no boundaries. It does not mean that there are no limits.

It means that boundaries and limits are not something that are arbitrarily prescribed for the child through control, coercion, and punishment… but rather something that are navigated together, with respect, compassion, and mutual communication.

3. But kids need to hear the word no / they need to learn that life won’t always hand them everything they want! I have a thing for a good caprese salad. There’s a local pizza place down the street from us that has the BEST caprese appetizer. They serve it in a stack, and it’s drizzled with a balsamic reduction that is just about the most delicious thing I’ve ever had in my life. Seriously. My mouth’s watering just thinking about it. The last time we went there, we all sat down, ordered our drinks, and ordered the caprese…. only to be told that they’d run out, and would we be interested in some garlic bread or antipasto instead?

Life sometimes deals us a “no”, this much is true. From small things like appetizers, to larger things like desired jobs. And certainly, sometimes as parents, things such as circumstances, finances, or practicality dictate that we need to tell our children “no” as well. I’m not arguing that fact at all. But the thing is, it’s an inevitable fact that kids WILL learn about the “no’s” of life in time… and as for me, I would much rather my children view me as the person they can always trust with their disappointment when life hands down the “no”… and not the person who delivered an utterly unnecessary “no” just to teach them a lesson. They will learn about no’s! When I need – legitimately and genuinely need – to tell my children no, they understand. They may be disappointed (just as I was disappointed when I couldn’t have my salad) but they understand. And knowing that those times will and do come, I view my job as being their soft spot to fall when it happens, not as the person doling out more disappointment in order to “toughen them up”. The world makes us tough enough.

So yes, when it’s at all possible, I’m going to say, “YES”, with no disclaimers, and no apologies.

And while I’m on the subject of life and toughness: one person who disagreed with my post stated that she could never be as “soft” as me. She said it as an insult, and while there is clearly a difference between respectful and being “soft”, the more I thought about it, the more I thought that are much worse things to be called. The world is full of harshness. I can’t help but think that a little more softness – in ourselves and in our children both – could only be a positive thing.

4. To each his own / Everyone needs to do what works for them / There’s no right or wrong way to parent / We need to support each other, not judge each other

This is hands down one of the most frustrating things I ever hear in regards to parenting. YES, we need to support each other. YES, every family is going to look different. But complacency – especially when it comes to how someone is treated – is never going to help anybody. Not speaking out against harmful practices (yes, I’m calling some of the nanny’s recommendations harmful) is never going to help anybody. Not advocating for kindness and compassion is never going to help anybody. Children are far too often marginalized in this society, treated as “less than”, viewed as second-class citizens. And we do no one… not the children, and not their parents, who are arguably trying their best to do right by them… any favors by not first recognizing and then talking about this very real issue.

and related to this:

5. “I think the easiest thing one can do is critique another’s work. Instead of polarising views how about a piece of work that is put forward on it’s own merit. I’m not a fan of they said this, I say that.” I quoted this comment simply because it was one of the last ones that I read, and it was fresh in my mind. But it wasn’t unique. There were several that said essentially the same thing. Why did I have to attack the nanny? Why did I have to be so mean? So judgmental? So petty? Why couldn’t I just write a positive piece about my own views instead of comparing myself to her?

Well first, I don’t disagree. It IS easy to respond to something that’s already been written, especially something that’s all neatly laid out in a list. Bullet-point lists almost beg to be answered. In all fairness though, I was not critiquing someone else’s work. I don’t know the nanny. This was not about her personally, and it was not about her work. It was about ideas. About philosophies. Philosophies that an alarmingly high number of people – in fact millions of people – were accepting as fact and gospel. Why shouldn’t alternative views also deserve to be heard?

But I’m getting a little ahead of myself.

Believe it or not, I don’t enjoy writing responses to someone else’s article. In fact, few things fill me with such a “damned if I do, and damned if I don’t” kind of dread. I never respond to these things when I first become aware of them… in fact, I mostly wish they’ll quietly go away. But then they’re shared again and again. People praise them again and again. One by one my readers start to send me the links….. “Have you seen this yet?” “Would love to hear your response to this!” “I hope you’re writing a rebuttal to this” “Can you believe this nanny??” So I’ll carefully write my response, truly trying to be as kind and as diplomatic as possible.

Every time, these posts are far and away my most read and most popular.

And every time, I’m told how glad you are that I wrote them.

And every time, I’m scolded: “You’re so, so….. MEAN!”

I cannot win.

As for a piece of work that’s put forward on its own merit: I write those all the time. My blog is full of them. They’re just not as widely read or shared as this kind of post.

Which is … uncomfortable for me.

Because in real life, I’m just a quiet, soft-spoken mom. My kids think I’m a big dork. My husband thinks I’m neurotic. I dislike drama; I avoid confrontation. I hate the icky feelings that come with being the center of attention in any way, especially when I’m being looked at with such critical eyes. I am the last person in the world you’d expect to take some big stand for anything. I never planned on writing, or growing, a blog. I never, ever strove to convince anyone that “my” way of parenting is the right way.

But I continue to do what I do and write what I write for one reason: I think how we treat kids matters. I think kindness matters. I think compassion matters. I think this is worth discussing…. and discussing and discussing… if it means that even one child will be treated with a little more patience, or a little more understanding.

Even if it earns me a title of “nauseating.”

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Filed under gentle discipline, gentle parenting, parenting

Category Archives: gentle discipline

I’m sorry.

I hear you.

It’s okay to be sad.

How can I help?

Next time….