Category Archives: guest posts

July 10, 2014 · 6:00 AM

A Culture of Love

I’m thrilled to bring you another guest post from my good friend Alice. She previously wrote for my blog here, here and here. Thanks Alice! I’m always happy to share your words.

Six months ago, my husband and I packed up our house and our 5 kids and moved to Turkey. Although he’s been military for over 20 years, this is our first overseas move. It’s hard enough to prepare yourself for living in a foreign country – preparing 5 small people (who at the time were 9, 7, 4, and 2 year old twins) was nearly impossible. And our Turkish is…lacking. And that’s a generous description.

Ever since my twin girls were born in 2011, my biggest challenge (besides actually leaving the house) has been managing 5 kids in public while fielding rude comments and questions from strangers. Disparaging remarks about how many kids I have, rude comments about how I’m lucky I finally “got my girls” after having 3 boys, rude remarks about their own kids – I’ve heard it all. And hated every second of it. In America, I believed that I didn’t like talking to people, or meeting new people. I dreaded going out with my kids because of the inevitable comments. It’s a delicate thing, to respond to rude comments. But even on the rare occasions when I felt like I had the perfect response, it wore me down. It’s exhausting to always be on your guard, to always expect the worst possible thing to come out of someone’s mouth. And more times than not, that “someone” was a fellow mother.

Before we moved to Turkey, I read everything I could find on the internet about Turkish culture. Everything I found said the same thing – Turkish people love children, and lovingly welcome them everywhere. That sounded promising! And now I can say with certainty that what we’ve experienced in the past 6 months proves it to be true. It started the minute we got off the plane in Ankara. At that point, we had been traveling for almost 24 hours. And we were lucky enough to bring a horrible stomach virus on the planes with us, which made itself known as we were boarding our first flight in Washington, DC. I had one of my girls in a sling, snuggled close as we got ready to board, when she threw up all over both of us. And thus began the world’s most hellacious journey. By the time we finished traveling, both girls were wearing airport t-shirts and diapers, having compromised all their clothes (and extra clothes) with vomiting and diarrhea. My 4 year old was also sick, and my 9 and 7 year olds were jetlagged and starting to feel sick. Needless to say, when we finally landed in Ankara, my husband and I were…done. And our family smelled, like oh so many odiferous things. And yet the first Turkish person we encountered, while we were still exiting the jetway, was an airport worker who smiled when she saw us coming, and excitedly gave our 4 year old a hug and patted his curly head.

Six months later, I have nothing but positive stories. Everywhere we go, strangers happily say, “Maşallah!” which is a blessing for our kids and also a way to protect them from evil. It doesn’t matter that I have visible tattoos, or a bleached pixie cut – no one is looking at me. They’re too busy counting my kids, exclaiming over twins, and giving hugs. And frequently, asking to have their picture taken with my kids. And although my Turkish is very basic, tone of voice translates across languages – there is no negativity in these interactions.

Even teens and young adults love kids. We walk to a small Turkish market frequently from our apartment, and one day we happened to go while a large group of preteen and teenage girls was there. While I was paying, my boys decided to wait outside. When I exited the market, at first I couldn’t find them, and then I saw that my 7 and 4 year olds were totally encircled by girls cooing over them, and my 9 year old was sitting on a bench grinning, with 2 teen girls sitting close to him in a lovingly protective manner. There were no sinister implications here. The love and affection for children is deeply ingrained in the culture here. In America we have stereotyped our teens to be selfish and self-centered; we as a society treat children badly and then act offended when they respond in kind. But here I see firsthand a society that regards all children with love and kindness, and I see the teens and young adults giving kindness in return. I’m not claiming Turkey is perfect, but the Turkish people are doing something really right.

Probably the best example I can give involves the dreaded public tantrum. We took a trip to Amasra, a beautiful coastal town loaded with history and old ruins. As we were walking around the old castle walls, we came to a set of stone steps that was truly treacherous. Steep, long, steps made of bumpy stone, with uneven heights, and no railing. I picked up one of my girls, but when my husband picked up our other 3 year old, she threw a fit. So he put her down and said she could walk but she needed to hold his hand. She refused, and got madder. At this point our boys were halfway down the steps, and I was waiting at the top holding a 3 year old who was getting heavy. It was not a good (or safe) situation. So my husband gently picked up our screaming girl and carried her down, while she continued to scream the whole way. When he got to the bottom, he set her down, and she turned around and marched back up 6-8 steps, and came down on her own while my husband walked next to her. A Turkish woman watched this whole scene, and was laughing kindly. She and I looked at each other, smiling, and she said, “She’s so determined! She’s going to be a leader!” I have had kids have public tantrums in the US, and they have almost always been met with scorn and derision, and worst of all fellow parents trying to shame me. It makes a difficult parenting moment harder, and deeply embarrassing. But instead of putting us down, this wonderful stranger lifted all of us up by praising my daughter’s character. Yes, determined. Such a positive way to phrase it, and so true.

Years of the Turkish people treating children with kindness and love has created generation after generation of adults who feel loved and give love freely in return. The generous way they view normal childhood behavior is a precious gift. And as it turns out, I’ve realized that I do love meeting new people and talking to them, especially when I know that no disparaging remarks about my family will be part of that conversation. Living in Turkey has changed me in many many ways – one of the most important being that I now know firsthand the blessing a positive interaction with strangers can be. Back in the US, I will be on the lookout for families in public, especially ones who might be having a hard moment. And I’ll do what I can to offer kind words and generosity of spirit towards their children. It’s something small we can all do that can make a big difference.

More love, more kindness. Only good can come of it.

Alice Davis is an Army wife, mother of five, and probably the last person on earth who doesn’t have a blog. She loves to talk about unschooling, gentle parenting, and mothering multiples. Her family is currently living inTurkey, and soaking up all that the culture has to offer.

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Filed under guest posts, kids, kindness, life, parenting

April 17, 2013 · 7:39 AM

How Would Jesus Parent?

Before I had kids, I never thought about what kind of parent I would be. It seems almost inconceivable to me now, given what a defining role that motherhood would come to play in my life, but it’s true. It simply never entered my mind. Until the very moment my first son was born, I remained embarrassingly, and happily, ignorant.

As it turns out, my lack of preparedness didn’t hurt me. When it came to parenting, I quickly realized that it wasn’t something I could really plan out anyway.

…..

Jump on over to the Faithful Parenting series to read the rest.

Television Without Fear

Thanks to Alice for another spot-on guest post!

I was raised without cable TV. Actually, there were long stretches of my upbringing where we didn’t even own a TV, until my aunt and uncle would come to visit and bring one of their (many) old black and white TVs that wasn’t being used in their house. Then we would be able to tune in the local channels, wiggling the rabbit ear antennas around until the fuzzy lines actually resembled peoples’ faces. Sort of. To give you a little perspective, I’m 36 years old at the time of this writing. My peers grew up watching Fame, The Cosby Show, Family Ties, The Wonder Years, and Beverly Hills 90210. And probably a lot more stuff I can’t think of because, you know, we didn’t have a TV.

Our TV situation was complicated even more by my parents’ prejudice against it; we could have afforded a TV, but it was beneath them. TV? No no, we’re readers. Even when we owned those secondhand black and white sets, we weren’t actually allowed to watch anything. The standing rule in the house was No TV On School Nights. If it wasn’t a school night, I could maybe watch something but there was a whole lot I wasn’t allowed to watch. On that list were innocuous things like Golden Girls (because Blanche Devereaux had indiscriminate sex). Over and over again, I heard how TV was going to turn my brain to mush, or rot my brain, or was a waste of time, or was junk. Why didn’t I read a book or go outside? As a matter of fact, turn off that TV and do something else. Sometimes I was allowed to finish whatever I was watching, and sometimes I wasn’t. (And just for the record, my parents were and are excellent parents. This post is not meant to malign or judge them.) Their rationale – that TV was junk – was the same thing I hear all the time from parents today, and at its core is fear. Fear that kids will somehow be damaged from TV; grow up too fast, become violent, materialistic, zombified, lazy, not smart. And when you view TV as the harbinger of all of that, of course you want your kids to spend little to no time watching it.

When a kid values something – anything at all, whether it be TV, sports, books, or Barbies – and their parents repeatedly tell them the thing they value is junk, it creates feelings of guilt and shame. I’m not speaking in hypotheticals here, or repeating something I read in a study.

I’m telling you that I found value in watching TV for many reasons, and was told my entire childhood that TV viewing was not worthwhile, and that created feelings of guilt and shame that lasted into adulthood.

It took until my oldest was 5 for me to find and fully embrace radical unschooling. There are no restrictions on TV viewing (or screen time of any kind) in our house. My kids are free to watch as much or as little TV as they want, and can watch any shows they are interested in. The only limits have to do with the fact that we are a large family with two TVs – it’s a rare occurrence for that to be a problem, and it is generally easily resolved. But what does it really mean to have no rules about TV viewing? What does the reality of that look like on a daily basis in my house? What if my kids want to watch TV all day? And what do I do if the kids want to watch something I think is inappropriate? And what about the materialism promoted in commercials?

When I say there are no limits to TV viewing in our house, I really mean just that. And it applies to computers and video games as well. My kids (8, 6, and 3 year old boys, and 1 year old twin girls) can choose to use or not use electronics in the same way they can choose to read, ride bikes, dig in dirt, build with legos, or anything else they think of. There is a stigma attached to using electronic devices that doesn’t seem to be applied to anything else, and it’s that stigma, and the associated fear that accompanies it, that motivates parents to place arbitrary limits on their use. When you view the world through that veil of fear, there’s so much to be afraid of. I don’t discourage my kids from talking to people they don’t know; the majority of strangers are nice people, and I’m right there with my kids should things seem to be heading in a strange direction. We talk to them about internet safety, but not to the point that they’re paralyzed with the fear of online predators. We talk to them about the kinds of images that you wish you could unsee, but can’t, and why that could be harmful; but not because we want them to be scared of the world around them. I don’t fear that my kids will become lazy, or unhealthy, or less intelligent because I’m right here with them, seeing for myself that they have a variety of interests that extend beyond screen time. Fear does not enter into our decision-making process for our family, and when you remove the element of fear, the need for arbitrary limits disappears.

I can already hear it coming: “If I let my kids have unlimited screen time, they wouldn’t do anything else all day.” Well, yeah. If you limit your kids’ screen time, and then all of a sudden one day you don’t, then of course they’re going to get as much screen time in as they possibly can. History has shown them that limits will most likely be in place again soon, and they’re going to take advantage of the reprieve. I know I would. When we stopped limiting our kids’ screen time, it did take a while for them to believe the limits weren’t coming back. And now? Some days, they’re on the TV and/or computer all day long. Some days, they don’t go anywhere near either screen. And that’s really what it looks like in a house with no limits. Screen time becomes just one more option in a whole world full of options. It’s not better or worse than anything else.

My kids can choose to watch anything they can find. That statement tends to shock people. But here’s what it doesn’t mean: it doesn’t mean that I leave them in a room alone with a stack of R rated movies riddled with violence and sex and encourage my kids to watch them. I know what my kids like to watch, and I know what would scare them, or bore them, or bother them for some reason they maybe can’t articulate. I’ve explained what the different ratings on movies and TV shows mean, and they frequently check them on new shows – not because they might get in trouble for watching them, but because it might be something they wouldn’t like. And if they’re not sure, they ask. The most important thing I can do is be there. I’m there to explain what a show might contain, or to read a description of it, or to suggest something they might like better. If they want to watch a show, but I think it might be scary or confusing, I make sure I watch it with them so we can turn it off if they want, or so we can pause it for me to explain something they have a question about. They have no interest whatsoever in shows with adult themes of love and sex, and I can’t imagine them tolerating even a few minutes of it. But at some point they probably will, and rather than forbid them to watch it I intend to watch it with them so we can talk about it together. (And I’m not talking about porn here, people. Work with me.) Let’s say, for instance, we happen to be watching Golden Girls and good old Blanche gets friendly with a gentleman caller. Perfect opportunity to discuss a whole variety of things with my kids! Just be there, and be willing to talk.

As for violence, I would argue that movies marketed to kids are way, way more disturbing than a lot of PG-13 movies. In one 5 minute stretch of The Lion King (which we watch a lot of around here), Simba’s uncle commits treason, then murder, then usurps the throne, and tries to have Simba killed. Right up until that point, everything had been love and roses. Pretty much every kids’ movie follows a similar formula. Everyone’s happy until some horrible tragedy, which the main character must then overcome. Whereas in a movie like Spiderman, everything is laid out a little more clearly. There are good guys, and bad guys; there’s a battle, then the good guys win. The end. Seeing violence in a movie does not encourage my kids to be violent. My kids are kind, sweet, gentle and friendly. They are peaceful because we as their parents are peaceful. My husband and I were watching The Hunger Games recently, and my 6 year old came into the room and asked what it was about. We paused the movie and explained the concept, and he said he wanted to watch a little. He watched a few minutes of it and was interested in the bow and arrows carried by the main character, and then he got bored and wandered out again. If he had decided to stay and watch, I would have spent more time watching him than the movie, to see how he was handling it and if we needed to stop watching. It’s really just that simple. We were there, and we were willing to talk.

Commercials and marketing and materialism aren’t an issue for us, mostly because – in an ironic twist – we don’t have cable. What we do have is an xbox, internet, a Netflix subscription and a Hulu subscription. We stream everything we watch through the xbox to our TV. Netflix has no commercials and Hulu (which the kids rarely watch) has about two 30 second commercials in a 25 minute show. But when we go on trips and stay in hotels, the kids see commercials. I’m not concerned that they’re being brainwashed into wanting things. If anything, my kids are totally annoyed by the commercials and talk wistfully about getting back home to “good TV.” I get really excited when I talk about how little we pay to watch TV (in fact I once received a call from a cable company who wanted me to pay for cable, and I’m pretty sure I convinced the salesperson to get rid of hers), but my point here is that while marketers do want to convince people to buy things, I just don’t feel it’s a major concern for us. We rarely see commercials, but the bottom line is that we are more influential in our kids’ lives than marketers. We are not materialistic, we don’t constantly shop for the latest and greatest things, and we talk to our kids about money and budgeting and consumerism. We talk to our kids.

Not too long ago, I wouldn’t have been able to say this without feeling guilty, but I love television. I love it. It brings the whole world into our home. I love watching shows that make me laugh, or cry, or think. I love watching shows with my kids, and seeing the things that bring them joy, or peak their interest. I love learning new things with them. I love the conversations we have that start from something we saw in a show. I love being able to show them countries that we will most likely never visit, or give them a televised preview of countries we hopefully will get to someday. I love that when they feel like lying on the couch all day and watching TV, they have the freedom to do that with no strings attached. I love that TV is just one more choice available for them in a whole world full of choices.

At this phase in my life with so many small children, I rarely have time to watch TV on my own. But someday, in what will feel like the blink of an eye although it will really have been years, my small children will be bigger. I’ll find myself with some free time, and maybe I’ll choose to read a book, or go outside. Or maybe I’ll choose to sit down on the couch and watch TV all day, without guilt or shame.

Alice Davis is an Army wife, mother of five, and probably the last person on earth who doesn’t have a blog. She loves to talk about unschooling, attachment parenting, and mothering multiples. In her copious amounts of free time, she sells custom baby hats, tutus, and embroidery in her etsy shop www.AlicesHandmadeCrafts.etsy.com.

(photo by videocrab)

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Filed under fears, guest posts, misconceptions, television, trust, unschooling

July 8, 2012 · 6:00 AM

Wanting Leverage

A guest post by Sarah MacLaughlin, Award-winning Amazon Bestselling Author of What Not To Say: Tools for Talking with Young Children

I have come to understand that I am in the business of changing people’s minds. This is a tough business to be in—it is actually quite impossible to change someone’s mind. I’ve learned from experience that trying is never fruitful. Whether it’s an adult or a child, all I can do is offer information, attempt to broaden or shift a perspective, and then completely let go of the outcome. Ah yes, it is that last part that is so problematic.

Recently I realized: Doesn’t it make sense to take a look at where we have been before we decide where we’re going? It was American Philosopher George Santayana who said, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” This is certainly true when it comes to the realm of parenting. As I said, minds change slowly, if at all. And I’ve recently lifted my head from the soup and noticed that not everyone is completely immersed in the ever-changing world of child-rearing philosophy.

I casually mentioned among coworkers that I was searching for the right fit in a preschool, one that did not ever use time-outs as a form of discipline. One kind-though-childless colleague did a verbal double-take.

“What do you mean? Why? What’s wrong with time-out?” she asked.

I have to admit I was more flustered in answering her than I would have liked, mostly because I feel annoyed that this control-based view of parenting is so accepted and pervasive. You can read some succinct opposition to time-out here: http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/peter_haiman.html, here: http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/04/no-bad-kids-toddler-discipline-without-shame-9-guidelines/ and here: http://rootparenting.org/child-timeouts-can-be-harmful/. I don’t really have anything new to say about why time-out is no good.

So time-outs are bad, yet this behavior has been frequently used over the past twenty or more years. This was considered a “step up” from spanking, right? This behavior is the evolution of raising children in our culture? This is progress?!It is true that I am frustrated. This lovely (yes, that is sarcasm) postcard went around Facebook last week:

This is the crux of the issue and the root of my frustration. Bullying is on the rise; that is a fact. I will entertain the idea that it could be because children are no longer beaten into fear and submission. Another view is that children have grown so disconnected from the adults in their world, and therefore disconnected from themselves, allowing them to view others as less-than-human. I’m inclined to go with the latter.

Children and youth do seem more disrespectful these days. I’ve seen proof in my branch of social work that serves at-risk youth, and I’ve had enough conversations with a friend who teaches 5^th grade to hear third-party proof. This belief of the prevalence of more bullying by children is pretty valid. But I refuse to attribute it to not being able to hit children—which, by the way, is not even true. Spanking is perfectly legal in the U.S., not only in private homes, but still in many public schools as well.

If corporeal punishment is on the decline, this is a good thing. Brain research shows that humans are incapable of learning when they are afraid. Both hitting (physically-based) and time-out (emotionally-based) create an amygdala (fight or flight) response. Whether through pain or abandonment, both forms of punishment (and it is punishment) invoke fear and break connection, rather than build it.

And now the ultimate question: What the heck do you do instead? A friend stated recently, “I just don’t feel like I have any leverage.” This is why we need a complete paradigm shift in parenting. We need to put on a wholly new pair of glasses through which to view ourselves, our children, and the world. We shouldn’t need leverage. We are a tribal species. Connected, relationship-based parenting is what we actually need more of. Luckily science is showing that this is true.

Reframe your child’s behavior as asking for help, rather than acting out. See them as needing support instead of wanting their way. Aim to assist with growth rather that declaring right and wrong. Reevaluate your expectations and put the relationship first. This will automatically give you a different view—then figuring out what to do next won’t be so challenging.

Your thoughts and reflections on the topic?! I’d love to hear them.

(For a plethora of information, specific ideas, and tools; read more of Jennifer’s blog, follow mine, and also check out these great resources: Hand in Hand Parenting and Aha! Parenting)

Other Resources Mentioned in the Article

https://www.jennifermcgrail.com/

http://www.sarahsbalancingact.blogspot.com/

http://www.handinhandparenting.org/

http://www.ahaparenting.com/

Special Giveaway!

Please comment on this post about reconnecting with your children or issues about wanting leverage. Your comment enters you in the eBook Giveaway — to win an ebook copy of What Not to Say: Tools for Talking with Young Children, in the format of your choice: PDF, epub, or Kindle format. Sarah will be giving away one copy at each blog stop and will announce it on the comments of this post tomorrow. Be sure to leave your email so we can contact you in case you’re the winner!

Other stops and opportunities to win during this Blog Tour are listed on Sarah’s blog here: http://sarahsbalancingact.blogspot.com/p/blog-tour.html.

Also, you can enter at Sarah’s site for the Grand Prize Giveaway: a Kindle Touch. Winner will be announced at the end of the tour after July 15th. Go here to enter: http://sarahsbalancingact.blogspot.com/p/blog-tour.html

About The Author

Sarah MacLaughlin has worked with children and families for over twenty years. With a background in early childhood education, she has previously been both a preschool teacher and nanny. Sarah is currently a licensed social worker at The Opportunity Alliance in South Portland, Maine, and works as the resource coordinator in therapeutic foster care. She serves on the board of Birth Roots, and writes the “Parenting Toolbox” column for a local parenting newspaper, Parent & Family. Sarah teaches classes and workshops locally, and consults with families everywhere. She considers it her life’s work to to promote happy, well-adjusted people in the future by increasing awareness of how children are spoken to today. She is mom to a young son who gives her plenty of opportunities to take her own advice about What Not to Say. More information about Sarah and her work can be found at her site: http://www.saramaclaughlin.com and her blog: http://sarahsbalancingact.blogspot.com.

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Filed under gentle discipline, gentle parenting, giveaways, guest posts, mindful parenting

May 31, 2012 · 6:45 AM

Parenting a Two Year Old

Thanks to Meegs of A New Day for today’s guest post!

Parenting is an ever evolving process. No one would claim that parenting your newborn is the same as parenting your infant is the same as parenting your toddler and beyond. Every parenting style changes, but I think that if you consider yourself an AP parent, then you are especially in-tuned to your need to evolve.

My personal parenting style has definitely had to change a lot since Gwen turned 2 years old, and the biggest change has had to be to my expectations. I always knew 2 would be rough – I’ve worked with kids before, and I’ve heard the horror stories – but it is so very different when it’s your own, and I didn’t expect it to be so tough for me. I consider myself a pretty patient individual, and its not that I thought I would be immune to the ups and downs of toddlerhood, but its always a bit of a surprise watching your basically sweet baby have her first toddler meltdown.

Gwen has so much she wants to say, so much she wants to do (on her own, of course: “I DO IT!”), and heaven help the person who gets in her way. I haven’t gotten to pick out her clothes in AGES, but now sometimes she gives me such a hard time about even the little tweaks to make her outfits weather-appropriate. Foods she loves she sometimes decides she
hates. She’ll have a complete breakdown if you tell her there are no more of [whatever snack is the magic snack that she decides she must have today]. She wants to open/close every door, and put on her own diaper, and pee on the toilet but only if she feels like it and not if she doesn’t and sometimes for 20 more minutes even though she did the actual peeing as soon as she sat down and…

The ages of 2 – 3 (and 12, 17, 20) are “straddling” ages. My little girl is caught between the toddlerhood she is shedding, and the childhood that lays beyond. From what I’ve heard, the dawning of that childhood (4 – 5) is pretty magical and wonderful. But this coming of age part… well, i know its as hard for her as it is for me. She wants to be able to tell me everything, but sometimes she just can’t find the words… or I can’t understand them. She wants to be able to do everything, but she’s not quite big enough to reach, or strong enough to carry, or…

And Mama has her good days and bad days too. Some days I can read her, feel the frustration building, and head it off at the pass. I can weather any anger and yelling with a calm determination, “I see you are angry. You take a minute and let me know when you are ready to try
again. We can do it together.” Other days she catches me off guard with every outburst and and I’m left wondering what happened. Some days it’s all I can do to grit through my teeth, “Enough. We Don’t Hit.” Some days I want to push the fast forward button up to 16x.
BUT she is also bright, and happy, and loving… grabbing your face to kiss both cheeks and your forehead. I don’t want to fast forward that part, and I hope she doesn’t grow out of it!

Here’s what I’m working on to have more of the calm days and less of the frustrated ones.

1) Age realistic expectations. At two, she is only emotionally able to handle so much. She’s still learning what appropriate reactions are and how her actions cause reactions. And you learn by trial and error.

2) Expectations that match with what I want for Gwen in the future. A friend once told me about a very trying morning with her spirited, energetic, intelligent daughter. She delivered her to daycare and asked the teacher, “How do I raise a daughter who is strong,
determined, independent, comfortable with her feelings and voices her
opinions, but who also listens and always does what I ask her to?!” The answer, of course, is that you don’t! But a few tiffs now, as we figure all this out together, is well worth it to foster the independence and determination that will serve her so well in the future.

3) Name the emotion, for both of our sakes! When Gwen is frustrated or sad, I say as much… “I see you are frustrated/mad/upset because of xyz…” I do it to help her figure out her emotions, but I do it to remind myself of them as well. Do I love crying because she wants something she can’t have? Nope. But I do know what its like to be overly tired after a long day and have something be extremely frustrating and almost too much to bare. Naming her emotion helps me put myself in her shoes.

4) Evaluate if I really need to distract/dissuade/say no. Gentle/AP parenting is not (contrary to what some media might have you believe) permissive parenting in the negative sense. But at the suggestion of a smart mama, I started looking at the why I didn’t want Gwen to do certain things. Is it because of a safety reason? Then stay the course! Is it because it will be a little messy and I don’t want to clean up? Hmm, there are times this is valid, but many when it’s not a great reason.

5) Teach respect by modeling respect. Gwen is an equal member of this family. Yes, her dad and I have the life experience, and as her parents we will ask her to defer to our judgement many a time. However, she deserves our respect as fully as we deserve hers. So we listen when she talks, we say excuse me and thank you and please, and we try to give our reasons/explain our actions when we do need her to defer to us. “Because I said so,” or “because I’m the mom,” are not explanations.

Here’s the thing, and I’m sure this will shock no one… I’m not perfect. Not by a long shot. I do get overly frustrated, slip up and yell sometimes. That can be a learning time for us both though too, because when I catch myself, I excuse myself to calm down, then come back and apologize. No one is perfect, including this Mama, and I want my girl to know that. People make mistakes, and the fact that we can apologize, hug, and still love each other afterwards, just as much as we did before, well… I think that’s one of the best lessons I can give us all. Hopefully it is the one that will keep her coming to me when she makes her own mistakes.

When all is said and done, that’s what I want. A daughter who respects and loves me as much as I respect and love her (and treats others with respect as an extention), who talks to me and tells me the bad as readily as the good, who is kind-hearted and strong willed.

Two is tough, but the lifetime ahead of us is promising.
***

Meegs is an easy-going girl that loves tattoos, food, and the outdoors; but most especially her husband and daughter. She’s passionate about being greener, co-existing peacefully with animals/the environment, and LGBTQ rights. In her free time, she loves to read, go for long walks, cheer for the Eagles and the Flyers, cook, and spend time with her family and friends. A breastfeeding, babywearing, sometimes bedsharing mama, Meegs finds her online home at A New Day.

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Filed under attachment parenting, gentle parenting, guest posts, mindful parenting, parenting

May 9, 2012 · 8:12 AM

Daydreams

Today’s guest post is from my friend, Alice, who last shared her story of her twin baby girls in Surprises. Thanks, Alice, for another beautiful and honest post.

When I daydreamed as a girl about having a family of my own, I can’t say I envisioned the choices I would eventually make. There was no wistful sighing over a future homebirth, or longingly imagining how awesome it would be to homeschool. But there’s one choice I imagined that did become my future; I always knew I wanted a large family. But the reality of life with lots of small children? Not part of the dream. As our family grew, our views on parenting flexed and changed, and what we ended up choosing was the path of peaceful parenting.

When you know how you want to parent – and I don’t mean the impossible ideal of never making mistakes, but in general the kind of parent you want to be – it’s discouraging to feel like you fall short. There was a brief period in 2010 where not only had I found my parenting niche, but I was living it every day. Radically unschooling and parenting peacefully in harmony with our 3 boys; our home was like a little utopia. There was enough of me to go around, there was enough time in my day for my boys AND my husband AND myself.

I would read articles and blogs about gentle parenting, and what to do as alternatives to traditional authoritarian methods, and I would think, “Yup! Got that down!” My boys were 6, 4 and 1 year old; life was good. So good, in fact, that we decided to add one more baby to our family. Surprise! We added two baby girls and became a family of 7. And life was great – and it was hard, scary, frustrating and overwhelming. Nowhere could I find help and advice for my situation. It’s all well and good to redirect a toddler when you actually have free hands – what about when you’re sitting on the couch with a baby attached to each breast? It’s fine to not get upset when said toddler dumps a whole box of baking soda on the steps when you have time to clean it up – but what about when you haven’t even cleaned up the last 3 messes, there’s no food in the house, and a mountain of dirty laundry is threatening to take over?

How in the world do you parent peacefully when you are so overwhelmed you just want to yell?

Oddly enough, I never found any articles with that title. In my stress I found myself reverting to authoritarian parenting; setting arbitrary limits, losing my patience, and yelling. Lots and lots of yelling. I felt like a failure – not because I was yelling mean or abusive things (I wasn’t) but because that was not the kind of mother I wanted to be. I knew how I wanted to parent, but I could no longer see how to do it. I was barely making it day to day, going on little sleep. Patience was a thing of the past. Fun was an impossible dream.

With five kids 7 and under, I needed to find a way to implement peaceful parenting in a frequently less-than-peaceful environment.

My first step in stressful situations became choosing to give myself a timeout if I felt like yelling. It’s important to know that this didn’t change what was happening around me; during my timeouts, sometimes the babies were crying. Sometimes my toddler was crying. Sometimes I was crying. But in the 30 seconds, or 3 minutes, whatever I needed to get myself under control, I gave myself a talk and came up with a plan. “Ok. When I go back out there, I’m not going to yell. I’m going to ignore the mess, and we’ll go play outside.” Changing me and my attitude was frequently the key. If I could keep my cool, we could get through whatever the problem was without someone melting down.

Next, I lowered my expectations. A lot. If we all made it through the day and everyone was safe and had their physical and emotional needs met – success! Who cared if the house was a mess? If I managed not to yell and lose my patience – victory!

Once I changed my attitude and my expectations, the next step was creating safe zones for everyone to coexist. Baby gates became my new best friends. With my 5 and 2 year olds hitting each other, and my 2 year old not grasping the need for being gentle with babies, this was critical. I wasn’t punishing or banishing anyone, and I made sure the boys knew that. But my most basic job is to keep all of my kids safe. I gated off sections of the house, and knew that when my toddler was alone he was safe, and he couldn’t hurt anyone else. I could sit in another room and safely nurse the babies, and even if everyone wasn’t thrilled with the arrangement, it was a temporary fix.

On the absolute worst days, when I had to get out of the house, I would load all 5 kids into the car and drive for hours. The boys would watch a movie, the girls would sleep, and I would breath and enjoy the peace.

The past year has been really long. It’s contained a lot more yelling and crying (by all of us) than I would care to think about. But there’s a lot that I’m proud of too. I kept everyone safe and happy. There were no trips to the ER, no injuries. I didn’t yell hurtful or abusive things. I didn’t spank anyone. I always, always apologized when my parenting fell short, and each morning I chose to start over and try my best to parent in partnership.

I can see glimmers of the old utopia ahead. The girls turn 1 on May 19^th, my boys are 8, 6 and 3. Our life has developed a smoother rhythm, and with my arms more often free I can finally be more proactive. Our days once again have more laughter than yelling, more joy than frustration, and more peace than chaos.

And those daydreams I had as a girl about my beautiful and happy large family?

I’m living them.

Alice Davis is an Army wife, mother of five, and probably the last person on earth who doesn’t have a blog. She loves to talk about unschooling, attachment parenting, and mothering multiples. In her copious amounts of free time, Alice sells handmade baby hats and tutus in her Etsy shop, Alice’s Handmade Crafts.

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Filed under gentle parenting, guest posts, mindful parenting, parenting

December 13, 2011 · 9:07 AM

A Recipe for Disaster?

Today’s guest post was written by my good friend, Amy. I think it’s important to note that I did not twist her arm to write it (in fact she took it upon herself without my knowledge. She’s sneaky like that) But she did have to twist my arm to get me to post it. Not because it wasn’t lovely and well-written, but because it’s a very odd and somewhat uncomfortable feeling to post something like that about yourself and kids, written by someone else. I resisted, and she said “Jen, you have to post it.” So I am.

Here it is; her response to those who are sure I’m raising future criminals.

No spanking, no time-outs, no parent induced bedtimes, no formal schooling…….recipe for disaster, right?

Attachment parenting, gentle parenting, radical unschooling are all catch phrases currently moving into mainstream society. My friend and owner of this blog, Jennifer McGrail, is an advocate for all of it. This is how her children are raised and let me tell you about these soon to be criminals, drunks, and wife beaters………….. She is praised by many and criticized by few. This is written for the few, from the perspective of a family friend who can’t say she, herself, has always practiced the above parenting philosophies but has observed the behavior of the four McGrail children extensively.

Let’s start with criminal #3, age seven. My son belongs to the same Boy Scout group with #3. At one of the meetings a uniform inspection is on the schedule. There are about 10 boys and the leader warns parents in an e-mail beforehand that he will try to be quick because he knows how hard it can be for the boys to stand still and wait while others are being inspected. The inspections are done in an orderly fashion. Like the leader indicated it was hard for most of the boys to wait patiently, quietly and calm. Nothing abnormal about that, right? They are all young, active boys. Here is the abnormal part: The winner is #3 and here is why he is the winner. Judging the uniforms alone created many ties, so they decided to look at behavior in line to come up with a winner. Guess who won the uniform inspection? #3, because he stood still with arms to his side, without talking and messing around all with his best friend standing right beside him. He didn’t do this because his parents threatened him or prepared him for this. HE JUST DID IT! Because he has self inflicted ideas about how he wants to present himself. Because he is allowed to grow without criticism, coercion, and with trust that he will make good decisions with unconditional love waiting when he doesn’t. That was just one situation, right, so now I’ll tell you the other stories. The ones where because he has never had a time-out, or been told what he must eat and at what time or when to go to bed, or spanked, must mean he is a crazy kid running around with no idea how to behave and headed to jail at an early age. Sorry, but I don’t have any of those. #3 is just a typical 7 year old boy that tends to know how to control his own behavior.

Moving on to #2, age 11. He, all on his own, manages a server for an online game that other children play. Just like life this game has gotten messy because children, like adults, don’t understand each other, get over emotional and react without thinking. One such situation happened and it destroyed most of the server. All the hard work that had been done was gone. #2 was MAD, steaming mad!!! He retaliated by writing about it on a forum that would be seen by many. He was asked by his mother, “Do you feel better?” “YES!” he said. She left him with his yes, and didn’t say another word. I’m not sure I could have done this. I probably would have had to explain how this wouldn’t help the matter and being the bigger person can make you feel better and on and on, but she didn’t do that. Guess what, not very long after posting what would have probably made matters worse – and yes he had a right to be mad because someone destroyed his server – he deleted the comments and decided he was going to rebuild the destroyed server. On top of that, he even built a special house on the server for the very person who had done the destroying. This 11 year old did what most adults can’t do. HE JUST DID IT!

#1 is age 14. Oh no, a teenager! I certainly can’t have anything to say about this guy. If he has been raised without rules and grounding he is surely out there with one foot in jail already. Actually, this 14 year old enjoys talking to and discussing life with this 41 year old. He is comfortable talking to me and his mom. He doesn’t mind hanging with us and gets our opinion about friends, life and girls. I don’t have teens yet, but I remember the teen years being hard. #1 teaches that it doesn’t have to be SO DARN HARD. Every single time I am around him, and that tends to be several times a week, he says, “I love being me!” Seriously, how many people, let alone a teen, loves being them? As adults we read books, go to counseling, and attend workshops to learn how to love ourselves. This 14 year old just does. What a head start he has on life. His joy for life radiates to others as well. My daughter has quoted him several times with lessons she has learned from this 14 year old boy. She is loving herself because of him. I’m pretty sure he is never going to beat his wife. A person who loves himself doesn’t beat others.

Now to #4, age 3. She is a typical 3 year old. She gets tired, throws tantrums, annoys her brothers, shares, doesn’t share, hugs, kisses, calls names…… but no worries. She has five role models that love her unconditionally. I look in those big, brown eyes and I see pure love, not a criminal.

These 4 children are all typical children in many ways. And yes, there are many typical children out there doing extraordinary things just like these children. But raising children without rules, time-outs, spankings, grounding, etc. does not produce criminals, alcoholics, wife beaters…………

I realize this isn’t really written to convince those criticizers that this type of parenting is the right way. Their minds are made up. This is written to those parents that were like me 11 years ago. I was looking for a different way to parent from the mainstream spanking, time-out, and grounding type of parenting. In many ways I did parent in a different way and took criticism, but if I had read an article like this one or known Jennifer McGrail eleven years ago, I would have had the support to know my instincts were right for me and my children. We are a better family for knowing the McGrail family.

Amy Travis is a former teacher, and an unschooling mom. When she isn’t writing blog posts for other people, she enjoys throwing parties, making cake balls, and ~~forcing~~ encouraging this introvert to get out and be social every once in awhile.

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Filed under attachment parenting, gentle parenting, guest posts, mindful parenting, misconceptions, parenting, unschooling

November 7, 2011 · 9:51 AM

Rejecting Labels, and Loving What Is

A big thanks to Lisa DeBusk for today’s guest post!

Bad sleeper. Shy. Clingy. A follower. Smart. Imaginative. These are just a few of the labels I’ve used on my child. I’m starting to realize they’re just words and have nothing to do with who he is.

Every new parent has sleepless nights. Some of us have sleepless years. My son woke every twenty minutes or so in the beginning months, then he woke every hour for a while, and now that he’s three he occasionally sleeps through the night. Occasionally. He hasn’t taken a regular nap since he was two and a half, though as I type this he’s snoozing on the couch beside me at 6:00pm. He won’t be sleepy at bedtime tonight, and I’m ok with that.

Since Henry was born, I’ve fought off and on to get him on some kind of regular routine of sleeping and waking, and nothing I’ve tried has come remotely close to working. All the advice, all the parenting books, all the efforts have changed nothing about his sleep patterns, probably because he really doesn’t have a pattern. He resists routine and structure, despite what everyone says about all kids needing structure. I’ve accepted this about him and stopped fighting it.

Accepting that Henry doesn’t respond well to forced bedtimes and naps is just part of being this particular child’s mother. I know plenty of other children are put to bed wide awake and drift off to sleep on their own after a story and a lullaby, and some nights I would love for it to be that easy. But I’m ok with reading three or four books, improvising several stories on the spot (my son is only happy if I make up a new story every time, about characters with goofy names he creates), and singing three songs over and over while he lies on top of me, rubbing and sometimes scratching my arms. There have been several nights when this was absolutely not ok, and I even lost my temper a little while waiting for him to go to sleep. When I finally accepted that this was not going to change, that Henry was not suddenly going to make things easier for me just because I wanted him to, I made peace with it. He’s not a “bad sleeper.” He sleeps just fine. Not falling asleep exactly when and how I want him to doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with the way he sleeps.

I try not to call Henry “shy” or “clingy” in front of him, but I’m guilty of telling other people that he is. When I think of him as shy, it’s only because I’m comparing him to other children who are comfortable with running up to strangers and having a conversation. I was never that kind of kid, and Henry doesn’t need to be either. If he’s “clingy,” it’s because he’s three years old, and three-year-olds happen to love their mommies quite a bit. I love that he clings to me. When I find myself thinking of him as “clingy,” it’s a sign that I need a little break, some time to myself. I don’t always get a break, but that’s not my son’s fault.

Henry tends to choose one kid on a playground and follow that kid around, doing everything he does. Usually the kid is a bit older, but not always. He’s followed toddlers around, even pretending to cry when they do. I don’t know why he enjoys doing this, and perhaps I’ll never know, but I’ve stopped viewing it as a bad thing. Following other kids around is just what he enjoys, as simple as that.

The last two adjectives at the beginning of my post don’t seem like bad labels, but they can cause as much damage as the others. I know overpraising can lead to some less than desirable results, such as having a child who doesn’t try new or challenging things because he wants to maintain the “smart” label. I try to resist calling him smart for every little thing he does. Remaining neutral is usually the best option, but it’s also natural for a parent to praise her kid. Children probably have the best chance for a good life if they have parents who accept them as they are without labeling any of their actions as either “good” or “bad.” No, that’s not good enough. I don’t think it’s enough to merely accept the way our children are. Instead, everyone is better off if we allow ourselves to love the way our children are, even when it causes us inconvenience, disappointment, or concern. It all comes back, as always, to unconditional love.

Lisa DeBusk is a mom, piano teacher, and writer. She writes about parenting, religion, health, culture, and politics. You can find her writing about gentle parenting at Soulful Parenting.

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Filed under acceptance, guest posts, labels, parenting

November 1, 2011 · 2:04 PM

Surprises

This guest post is by my dear friend, and all around awesome person, Alice. Thanks so much, Alice, for letting me share your words!:

I’ve never really been a huge fan of surprises. Not that I dislike flowers for no reason, or surprise packages that come in the mail, but I’ve always felt that looking forward to something great was half the fun. So when I was pregnant with my 3 boys in 2004, 2006, and 2009, naturally my husband and I found out their genders at the ultrasounds. In January of 2011, 19 weeks pregnant with our fourth and final baby, we brought our 3 boys with us to the ultrasound, expecting to find out I was carrying our 4th boy, and thrilled with the prospect of a baby of either gender.

Have you ever been surprised speechless? How about surprised into a panic attack where it literally feels like time stops, as well as your heart?

When the ultrasound technician dropped the bombshell that I was carrying not one but two baby girls, there are no words to describe my range of emotions. But I am nothing if not a planner, and as I was already halfway through my pregnancy, I felt an urgency in preparing for two bitsy girls. Desperate for resources, I scoured the internet for tips, ideas, and been there done that suggestions on parenting twins. I read twin message boards, and everyone who knew someone with twins in real life told me all about it.

I had attachment parented all 3 of my boys. Co-sleeping, babywearing, nursing on demand and following their leads on just about everything felt natural to me, and judging by how happy and healthy my boys are, it worked out pretty well for them too. But the majority of what I was reading and hearing about twins was all about bottlefeeding, schedules, crying it out, and figuring out how to get that much-touted “me time.” And that led to yet another surprise – fear. I was scared.

Was it even possible to still be an attached parent with not just two newborns, but a 7, 5 and just turned 2 year old as well? Would I be forced to nurse the girls on a schedule? Would I get any sleep at all? And where would I sleep? We have a king sized bed, but my two year old was still sleeping in it with us.

I’m not going to keep you in suspense, so here’s the short answer: YES! Attachment parenting is not only possible with multiples, it’s a godsend. Every family will probably have slightly different solutions, but here is what works for us. Since we don’t even own a crib, and had no intention of buying one (or of separating the girls from each other), their room has a full size bed. One side has a rail, and the 3 of us sleep in there together. I nurse the girls on demand – sometimes they nurse together and sometimes they nurse alone. This nighttime arrangement has been such a blessing in so many ways. Anyone with more than one baby can tell you that the more children you have, the less one-on-one time you get with each. And although I hold my girls as much as possible, I’m simply unable to carry or wear them as much as I did my boys. But every night all night, I’m there with my girls. It’s best for them, and oh so healing and restorative for me. Any guilt I feel over not being as attached as I would like to be during the day dissipates each night as we lie together in the dark.

Over the 7 years that I’ve been a mother, I’ve amassed quite the collection of baby carriers. Slings, moby wrap, Storchenwiege, mei tais – and all of them have seen heavy use with the boys. They do sell baby carriers for twins, but none seemed especially comfortable or practical for mom or babies. Most of the twin moms online wore one baby on front and one on back, either in a moby wrap/mei tai combo, or 2 mei tais. Here’s the problem – those babies were all 6 months and up, and I just couldn’t find much about how to wear 2 newborns. And now I know why – it’s hard.

I was lucky enough to have my parents stay at my house to help for a really long time (6 weeks before the girls were born and almost a month after), so there was usually an extra set of arms for a snuggly newborn. But when there wasn’t, I found the best way to manage was to wear one baby in a sling and to carry the other baby face down lying on my left arm. I alternated which baby went in the sling so each got a chance to snuggle next to my heart. And my left arm? Let’s just say if you challenge me to an arm-wrestling match you’ll probably lose. That left arm is badass, all on its own.

When the girls were still very small, I wore them together in the moby wrap next to each other.

When they were old enough, right around 4 months, I was able to wear them in the mei tais, one on front and one on back.

But I’ll be honest – that is physically exhausting and I only do it if I really need to. I still prefer to wear one baby in the sling (on my hip now) and hold the other baby in that badass left arm. And it has gotten easier as the girls have gotten older – they like to be on the floor with a few toys, and are already mobile at 5 months. That presents new challenges, but my arms are free more often to do things with my boys again.

Here is the most important thing I can say to anyone wondering if they can attachment parent multiples: YOU. CAN. DO. IT.

It won’t always be easy but you don’t have to sacrifice the beautiful benefits of attachment parenting because you’re lucky enough to be blessed with more than one baby.

I am not a superhero. I am not gifted with limitless patience.

I am not doing anything that you yourself can’t do if you want it badly enough.

The hard days have been the hardest of my life. Long days where the babies, my 2 year old and I are all crying, me hardest of all. Days where there isn’t enough of me to go around, where I need 4 more arms and a truckload more patience. Days where the babies cry and my first thought is, “I am NOT breastfeeding again.”

But I do.

And as I look down at my little bitsy girls, who often hold hands while they nurse, I’m grateful that their need for nourishment forces me to slow down and hold them. Before I know it, they’ll be grown and the hard days of life with 5 small children will be just memories. I’m doing my best to make the memories happy ones, one moment at a time.

And you know, just maybe I’m a fan of surprises after all.

Alice Davis is an Army wife, mother of five, and probably the last person on earth who doesn’t have a blog. She loves to talk about unschooling, attachment parenting, and mothering multiples. In her copious amounts of free time, Alice sells handmade baby hats and tutus in her etsy shop (www.etsy.com/shop/AlicesHandmadeCrafts).

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