Tegan is excited for another year of “Not Back To School”

It’s mid-August.

For lots of people, mid-August means back-to-school-shopping.  It means new clothes and new backpacks and new haircuts.  It means family traditions or special breakfasts, and fresh-faced smiling pictures in front of the fireplace, or the house, or out on the sidewalk.  It means kids excited to continue seeing their friends, and excited to see what the new year will bring.

For lots of other people, mid-August means the official start to another year of opting out.  It means another year of sleeping in.  It means another year of charting their own course, choosing a different path, and learning on their own terms.  It means kids excited to continue seeing their friends, and excited to see what the new year will bring.

For still others, it might mean something else.  Maybe they homeschool, but still utilize the public school part-time.  Maybe they’re a homeschooling family who chooses to adhere to a school’s schedule.  Maybe they’re a full-time traveling family.

All of the above are valid, acceptable, well-founded options, depending on the family.

We chose homeschooling (specifically, unschooling) for our family a long time ago.  Spencer was really just an infant at the time, so the decision was made over 17 years ago.  It’s a decision we continue to make, year after year, because it’s the right decision for us.  We’re happy with homeschooling. We’re like… completely, blissfully, disgustingly happy.  And in the grand tradition of “promoting what you love instead of bashing what you hate,”  I love to talk about it.  Write about it.  Share other articles about it.

Isn’t that what happy people do?

I love to hear happy stories and see happy pictures of my friends’ kids, no matter where they do, or do not, go to school.

Unfortunately though, not everyone is happy.  Sometimes the parents are unhappy, sometimes the child is unhappy, sometimes the family in general is unhappy.  It’s for those people especially that I think the homeschooling discussion is important.  Not necessarily because they need to choose homeschooling, but because it’s important that they realize there are options.  It’s important that people can take a step back and say, “Okay.  This isn’t working.  What can we do/change/try to fix this?”

That’s a big part of the reason I continue to write about it, and honestly sometimes it’s the only reason, because talking about homeschooling is not always fun.  I get a lot of defensiveness when I post or write about homeschooling.  A lot of it.  I once lost a dear friend (she literally just stopped being my friend) when I posted on Facebook that it was back to school time, and we were happy that we were once again opting out.  She told me that she couldn’t believe I had such “vile contempt” for people who sent their kids to school, and ended our friendship as of that day.  It didn’t appear to matter to her that I hadn’t actually said anything about people who sent their kids to school,  let alone something that conveyed “vile contempt.”

Being happy with my choices does not equal contempt for your choices.

Here’s the thing:  If you’re happy and secure in your own choices, great!  If you’re defensively yelling at me and calling me names and making big speeches, I might question how happy you really are…. but if you truly are happy, great!   If you tried homeschooling but ultimately decided that public school worked better for your children, great!  If your kids are happy and healthy and thriving and love going to school, great!  You don’t have to defend your choices to me.   My choices shouldn’t matter one wit to you.

Because (and I mean this in the nicest way possible)  I don’t care where your kids go to school.  I really, truly don’t.  I love homeschooling, and for that I make no apologies.  But I’m not on some one-woman crusade to convince the world that everyone.  must.  homeschool.  I have my own family of 6 to think about – a family that’s currently off the rails with a totaled car, an insurance mess, an upcoming surgery, and 6 short weeks to finish putting a conference together – so I promise you, I’m not taking the time to make any judgments about yours.  I wish I had the kind of time people think I spend judging others!

I fantasize about pulling down my blog often, but until/unless I do, chances are very nearly 100% that I will continue to talk about homeschooling.  It’s my life;  it’s what I love.  If reading about homeschooling makes you angry or defensive or wish something bad will happen to me and my family…. might I suggest you simply don’t read those posts?  You can stay and yell at me if it makes you feel better, but I assure you it’s not necessary.

The internet is a big, big place.  There’s room enough for all of us.

A couple days ago, I read an article aimed at new homeschoolers that outlined several tips for what the author considered to be successful homeschooling.   She mostly wrote about schedules, rules, and minimizing distractions.   Now, I’m not going to tell you how to homeschool – partly because I’ve done that elsewhere on my blog; and partly because it tends to make people mad, and I’m not in the mood for another round of either getting yelled at or receiving platitudes like, “We all have to do what’s right for our own family,”  or  “to each their own.”  What I will tell you though, is that I really believe that the ins and outs and details of the HOW of homeschooling are secondary to the overall picture of how we treat both our children and ourselves.

Here then are the top five things I wish someone had told me when I started…. and these apply to all homeschoolers, no matter what style or approach you end up taking.

1.  Research – Homeschooling is a big decision to be sure, but it’s one that I made largely after one pointed trip to the library.  I read that first stack of books and I was hooked.  For the next several weeks (and months and years), I read everything I could get my hands on.   I can’t recommend doing your research highly enough.  Read the books,  visit the websites, peruse the blogs, talk to those of us who’ve walked the walk, immerse yourself in the big wide world of homeschooling information.   The two big caveats when it comes to research:  1)  Keep, and learn from, the things that resonate with your heart and your soul and your sense of reason, and simply leave the rest.  And 2) If you start feeling overwhelmed or stressed out or anxious, STOP, BREATHE, and move on to number 2…

2.  Relax –  Seriously.  Relax.  Breathe.  Homeschooling is supposed to be fun!  I hate seeing parents stressing themselves out (and by extension, stressing their kids out) by either worrying about particulars, or wondering if they’re doing the right thing.  Nobody’s going to benefit from homeschooling if the atmosphere is one of panic and anxiety.   Relax.  You successfully  saw your kids through learning to walk and talk and use the bathroom…. you can see them through learning to read and write as well.  The best indicator of a successful period of homeschooling is not how organized you were, or what kind of curriculum you used, or how they scored on a test.  It’s about CONNECTION.  If you relax, if you trust your kids, trust the process, and trust the connection, everything else will fall into place.

“Children may not remember exactly what you said, or what you did, but they will always remember how you made them feel.”

3.  Remember that learning is everywhere – I discovered a long time ago that I wouldn’t be very good at having kids in school.  For one thing, my kids would have all kinds of absences.  I’d keep them home on nice days so we could go to the park or the zoo.  I’d keep them home on rainy days so we could snuggle up and watch movies.  I’d pull them out for weeks at a time so we could drive across the country, or explore the desert, or go camping in the mountains.  In short, I’d take them out of school all the time, and I’d do so knowing that they’d be learning the entire time.  Learning isn’t something that can be scheduled.  It’s not something that happens in a certain place, between certain hours, under the guidance of a certain person.  Learning is everywhere.  If you homeschool, you have the awesome and unique opportunity to embrace all the learning that life has to offer, wherever and whenever it has to offer it.   If your kids don’t get to watch the construction on the street or the bird outside the window or the helicopter in the sky because you’re insisting that they stay seated at the kitchen table… you’re truly missing out on the best part of homeschooling.  Learning is everywhere.

“True learning – learning that is permanent and useful, that leads to intelligent action and further learning – can arise only out of the experience, interest, and concerns of the learner.” ~ John Holt

4.  Respect your kids’ individuality – Kids are all different.  Kids are so different.  One of the limitations of public school is that they can’t possibly take into account every personality and every learning style in the room.  I know that many great teachers would like to, and I know that many try, but with 30 students and one teacher it’s not practically or logistically possible.   It’s just not.  But that problem completely goes away when you homeschool.  You get to honor your children’s unique strengths.  You get to let them learn in their own way, in their own time.  You get to help and support them as they chart their own course… not a school’s, not yours, but theirs.  As a homeschooling parent, you have the privilege – and the responsibility – of allowing your children’s education to be 100% customized and unique to them, their interests, their learning styles, and their path in the life…. something a typical school just cannot do.   And on those days when your kids are needing nothing more than a day full of down-time?  You can honor that too.

5.  Rest and restore – That means you, Mom (or Dad).  Giving yourself permission to take care of YOU is hugely important to keeping a homeschool life healthy and happy for all involved.   I’ve never liked it when people have framed this as “getting a break” or “getting away”, because I strongly feel that your family life should be designed in such a way that it’s not something you ever feel you need to get a break from.  Part of doing that successfully is taking good care of yourself.  Getting your rest, getting your exercise, letting your kids see you pursuing things you’re passionate about.  Meditating.  Praying.  Playing.  Yoga.  Whatever helps you feel good and whole and better equipped to be the parent that you know deep down you’re able to be.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

By no means is this little list comprehensive, but it’s a start.  And I promise you if you research, relax, remember, respect, and restore… everything else won’t seem nearly as scary.

Is your child in school, but you’re considering homeschooling?  Here are six steps, or things to keep in mind,  to get you started:

1. Recognize that you have options.

You don’t have to send your child to school. While any homeschoolers reading this are likely thinking, “Well.. duh,” I think this simple truth is often overlooked by many people. Kids are sent to school because that’s where kids have always gone, and for better or worse, it doesn’t occur to many parents to question it. But you have options. That’s the first thing you need to realize. It is a choice to send a child to school, just as it is a choice to keep that child home. While the laws vary from country to country, homeschooling is legal in all 50 United States. I think too often when a child is severely struggling in school, or miserable, or being bullied, that one of the most obvious solutions – homeschooling – is overlooked in favor of trying to make it work in an environment that is currently doing more harm than good. I truly don’t understand the rationale behind giving it “one more semester” when there is a positive solution that you can employ NOW. If your child is in an unhealthy environment in school, and you are considering homeschooling, don’t wait! Don’t feel like you have to “get all your ducks in a row” first. You have a legal right to go that school today, right now, and take your child home where he/she is safe. You can work out the details later.

Don’t think you have the option to homeschool? Maybe you are a single parent, or in a dual-income family. I know of many families in unique situations that have made homeschooling work, including single parents, two working parents, and low-income families. Tell yourself that you do have options, and keep reading.

2. Give yourself, and your child, TIME

Even, or maybe especially, if there was urgency surrounding your decision to pull your child from school, when you make the decision to home school, you give yourself and your children the incredible gift of TIME. There are no “have to’s” in home schooling. When you remove your child from school, you can give yourselves permission to take the pressure off. Give yourselves time to decompress and to deschool. “Deschool” essentially means to rid yourselves of the ideas, thought processes and/or negative associations surrounding the traditional mindset of school=learning. Give your child time to recover from any damage. Give yourself time to replace old ideas with new ones. Give yourselves time to stop thinking in terms of grades, semesters, and classes. Give yourselves time to stop thinking of learning as something that is done in a certain place at a certain time. Give yourselves time to realize that learning is not something that is done TO someone, but something that happens naturally and organically and that comes from within the learner. Give yourselves time to understand and appreciate what it means to learn in freedom.

3. Do your research

The good news is that there is a literally unending pool of resources for those wanting to learn about homeschooling.  The bad news is that there is a literally unending pool of resources for those wanting to learn about homeschooling.  It could be overwhelming for someone new.  Where do you start?  Well, it depends.  And if you ask 20 people, you’re likely to get 20 different answers.  These are my recommendations, for just a few places to start, depending on what you’re looking for:

If you’re interested in theories of learning, ideas about education, and the WHY you’d want to homeschool, go to your local library and check out anything by John Holt or John Taylor Gatto.  They will both open your eyes, and once you read them, you will never think about school and learning in quite the same way again.

If you’re more interested in the “nuts and bolts”, ins and outs of homeschooling, The Homeschooling Handbook and The Unschooling Handbook, both by Mary Griffith, are very informative and easy reads.

Another great little book that combines both of the above, plus gives a compelling first-person account is Family Matters:  Why Homeschooling Makes Sense by David Guterson.  It is one of the first books I ever read about homeschooling, and I still recommend it a decade later.

If you’re not a book person, Homeschool Central has a ton of links and information and homeschooling in general.  If, like us, you prefer to take a more organic approach and bypass all of the curriculum talk, then you’ll want to jump straight into learning about unschooling.  Two good places to start are Sandra Dodd and Joyfully Rejoycing.  Both are filled with great information, answers to common concerns, and links galore.

Finally, use this link to find the specifics about the homeschooling laws in your state.

4. Get connected

Don’t skip this step!  Even if you’re not “group” people (which I’d completely understand…  we’re not, either), everybody needs a tribe of people who “get it.”  People who are walking the same walk, and people who are facing the same challenges and the same triumphs.   Check this link for a list of local homeschool groups in your area, but don’t discount online support as well.  There are yahoo groups, Facebook groups, Christian groups, secular groups.  Basically, there’s a group for everyone.   This is especially important if you’re a single parent or have another unique situation that makes finding like-minded parents more difficult.  There are others like you out there… you just have to find them.  Don’t be afraid to pick the brain of an established homeschooler either.  Most of them – myself included – will be more than happy to talk your ever-loving ear off answer questions and share information, resources, and experience with anyone who’s genuinely interested.

5. Watch, wait, and listen

Simple, but not always easy:

Watch your children.  See how they’re learning, what they like, what they don’t like, what they’re interested in, what they’re passionate about.
Wait for deschooling to take place.  Wait to see if you’re going down the right path.  Wait for the answers to your questions.
Listen to what your kids are telling you, both verbally and non-verbally.  They are far and away the most qualified people to tell you what they need.

6. Be flexible

Some of the true beauty of homeschooling is that it can be – and should be! – 100% unique to each family.  You do yourself and your kids a great disservice if you try to model your homeschooling experience after a school.    You opted out of school for a reason;  don’t bring it home with you!  In order to successfully homeschool, you have to learn to be flexible.  Flexible in both thought and action, and flexible enough to admit that you’ve made a mistake.   I can never understand why, when we have the freedom to learn however we’d like, I often hear homeschooling parents complaining about, say, a math curriculum.  “I don’t know what to do!   Little Johnny just hates his math curriculum!  He cries over it every day.”  Watch, wait, and listen.  Be flexible.   Remember you have options.  DUMP THE MATH CURRICULUM.   Never choose “doing school” when you’re faced with an opportunity to go to the store, or the park, or the zoo (where a million times more natural learning will occur anyway) Never pass up the chance for your kids to help you with dinner, or laundry, or the project in the yard, even though you know it will take you twice as long.  Be flexible.

One area that I personally struggle with is not getting stressed out about the change in seasons… the natural ebb and flow of life.  This past month we were quite suddenly thrust from a carefree, not-a-thing-on-the-calendar kind of schedule to a jam-packed itinerary of gymnastics, basketball, cub scouts, and church activities.    The kids are happy though, and they are living and learning and enjoying life… so I know I need to be flexible, go with the current flow, and appreciate the busy and the calm.

and a bonus number 7:

7.  Enjoy it!

Homeschooling is the single most important decision we made for our family, and we thoroughly enjoy this time we’re getting to spend with our kids.  I honestly don’t know another homeschooling family who doesn’t feel the same way.  So if you do make that decision, do it confidently, and gladly, and enjoy it every step of the way.