Category Archives: Q and A

Unschooling Q & A

I’m back with another video today, answering the question, “What has been the most unexpected joy of unschooling? The most unexpected challenge?”

 

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Q & A Video: How Do Unschoolers Get Into College?

A new video for you guys, answering a very common question.

For more of what I talked about at the end, read this post.

Also, my nails are really bright. My daughter picked the color 🙂

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Q & A – What Do You Do When The Other Parent Isn’t On Board?

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Carrie asks,

What are your suggestions when the other parent isn’t on board with unschooling and gentle parenting?

First, an example of what not to do:

Several years ago, my family went to an unschooling conference in San Diego.  We’d been unschooling for many years, but the inspiration and experienced words you hear at conferences often gives you the little push you need to take it to the “next level.”   I’d heard something that really resonated, and I was all pumped up and excited in my resolve to further support my kids in their autonomy.  Unfortunately,  I sometimes have trouble toning down the “pumped up and excited” and have a tendency to jump headfirst, and expect everyone else to jump with me. Anyway, we went to lunch late that day.  We were all starving, and probably a little bit grumpy, and there was some sort of issue with one of the kids and what they wanted to order.  I – in all my new-found wisdom – wanted to handle it one way, and my husband wanted to handle it another way.   I (in retrospect, most likely not very kindly) said something along the lines of, “Remember what so-and-so just said??  That’s not respectful!  We need to give him more of a voice!  We need to do it this way!”

My husband immediately – and understandably – told me to relax please, that changes took time, and that I couldn’t expect him to immediately overhaul his parenting techniques.  And he was right. (He’s often right.)

So, first, I recommend not picking a fight in the middle of a sandwich shop.  Changes do take time, and you can’t expect them to happen overnight… or, in the case of my own lofty and misguided expectations, in 30 minutes.

The heart of a successful, peaceful, cohesive unschooling family is a strong, healthy relationship between Mom and Dad.    That’s where it starts.  Not in a “united front” against the kids kind of way, but in a loving, connected, “we’re both on your side” kind of way.  Even parents who are no longer a couple need to work together to peacefully and respectfully co-parent as a team. Unschooling will not work if there are major disagreements between parents that have been allowed to become an area of contention between both parties. The relationship needs to come first.

On a practical level, let him see through your actions the benefits of what it is you’re wanting to do.  Be the kind of gentle parent that you want to be.  Don’t bombard him with information, but share when/if he’s receptive, in a way that’s appropriate to his style of learning (some people do better with reading, others with watching, others with listening, etc).  Wait until everything’s calm and peaceful to bring up the tough subjects. Don’t accuse.  Listen to what he has to say. Decide what areas you can compromise on, and what areas will really be a non-negotiable. I could personally compromise in a lot of ways if it meant keeping the peace in my relationship – and by extension, the peace in the family –  but I wouldn’t compromise on spanking, for instance. There would be no circumstance where that would be okay with me.

Give it lots of time, and give him lots of grace.  Treat him with kindness. Be patient.

And whatever you do, don’t broach the subject when one or both of you is hungry.

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Q & A – My Child Calls Me Mean

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Photo credit: Mindaugas Danys

Chelsea asks:

How can I move past my children calling me, “mean”?  I’ve stopped yelling, and I’m working to be a more gentle parent.  But my four year old gets very aggressive when he’s excited or disappointed or angry, and he lashes out at me.

First, awesome job on quitting the yelling!  It takes work to break old, ingrained habits, especially when they’ve become the default response in stressful/frustrating situations, so moving beyond that is a big hurdle in and of itself.

Your son’s lashing out could very well be a subconscious reaction to your new style of parenting, especially if these changes are recent (Ie:  Mom’s not yelling anymore.  This is new. Will THIS make her yell?  What if I say THAT?)  He could be adjusting to the new normal, testing out the safe boundaries, and assuring himself that yes, you’re still going to be calm and patient even when he’s not being calm and patient back.  As time passes, he will become more confident in your relationship, and more comfortable with the fact that he doesn’t need to resort to lashing out in order to be heard.

-OR-

It could simply be due to personality, and/or a normal developmental stage.  Even the most mild-mannered of my children went through a stage at around 3 or 4 years where they were more angry, argumentative, and prone to things like eye-rolling and disapproval with me in general.  That age is a huge age for asserting independence and autonomy, and for figuring out who they are both within the family, and separate from Mom and Dad.  They’re not babies anymore, but they’re not yet big kids either.  One minute they want to be cuddled and rocked to sleep, and the next they want to run across the street with the “big kids.”  Their feelings are big, and often confusing or scary, and they need a safe place to let them out.  It’s hard to be a kid sometimes.

So how do you handle it, in either case?

In short:  Patience, understanding, and consistency.

Even though it may feel personal, it’s not.  It’s not about you at all (unless you really are being mean :)).  It’s about your child and his big feelings.  What he needs when he lashes out at you is to feel safe and heard.  When he yells at you or calls you mean, first take a breath (or a few) so that you can answer calmly.  Sometimes when the moment is especially heated, I’ll deliberately lower my voice to just above a whisper.  It ensures that I’m not yelling, and it helps both my child and myself calm down, as well as work to start diffusing the overall situation.

Some people will tell you to ignore it when your child says something negative/unkind to you, but I’m not a fan of ignoring children…. especially during a moment when what they’re needing is connection!  It’s also not particularly helpful in terms of learning about resolving conflicts, standing up for themselves, or working through issues in their relationships.  I think that your children need to know that you’re “all in”, even when they’re being unkind.

Once you’re able to answer calmly, you can let him know that you’re there to help, and that you’re not going anywhere:

Child –  “YOU’RE SO MEAN!”

Mom –  “I’m sorry you feel that way.  You sound really angry.  What do you need me to do to help you?”

Sometimes, a calm conversation is enough.  Sometimes, the child really is just that angry, and needs to run around or punch a pillow or go outside and yell.  If it’s not anger, but disappointment or excitement instead; the same principles hold true.  The goal is to work with – not against – your child, to help him find safe and appropriate outlets for expressing his feelings.

If there aren’t extenuating circumstances, it really will get better with time, patience, and love. And if it helps for commiseration sake, my child who most resembled yours at age 4, is now the most laid-back, calm, and tender-hearted teen you’d ever hope to meet.

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“I Feel Like All They Do Is Sit In Front of a Screen”

Photo credit:  Michael Cramer

Photo credit: Michael Cramer

A few days ago, I got a message from a new unschooling mom   She had concerns about one of the most common things that trips up new unschoolers:  “screen time.”  This is a portion of that message, along with my response.

 

About 6/7 months ago we lifted all restrictions on screen time, in the past the kids were allowed to watch up to two hours of TV and that was about all the screen time they got. Now that they are not limited I feel like all they do is sit in front of a screen. It’s not just tv (or shows) but also games and such. I guess my problem is that they seem to have lost All other interests. I keep waiting for them to tire of it all but it doesn’t seem to be happening. More often than not they don’t want to leave the house to do activities. I offer them many choices and opportunities to do other things but they just don’t seem interested. I guess more than anything it makes me feel like a shitty parent for not being able to engage my children and truthfully, I miss them!! I freaked out a bit yesterday about the whole thing and took all screens away and we had a great day! They did things I haven’t seen them do in months and they enjoyed themselves. I want to help them be able to find some sort of balance, but I just don’t know how.


A few different things really stood out to me in your question.  First, you only lifted your restrictions a few months ago, and it is so very, very normal for kids to “binge” on something that was previously limited.  They don’t know when/if you’re going to take it away again. And if you (to use your words) freak out and take them away for a day here and there, it’s sort of like starting the process all over again.  So their intense interest may still just be trying to get the most out of it in case you take it away again.  Second, even though you’re technically allowing them to use those things as much as you want, you’re still carrying a lot of “baggage”, for lack of a better word, about them doing so. You’re waiting for them to tire of it, you’re wanting them to do something else, you feel like a shitty parent. That comes through as resentment, even if it’s unintentional.

It’s great to offer different things, keep the lines of communication open, make suggestions, etc.  The problem comes in when you’re emotionally invested in the other options, instead of truly meeting them wherever they are – which in this case, sounds to be pretty darn happy watching TV and playing games.  🙂  When you say that you want them to find balance, you’re referring to what *your* version of balance looks like, ie: less screens, and their personal balance might be something very different from yours.  And it might not be!  But they’ll have a hard time finding it when they’re getting the message that what they’re choosing to do is somehow less valuable than what mom would choose for them to do.

My advice?  Make peace with the screens.  Recognize the joy and learning that they’re getting from them.  Find out what they’re enjoying.  Enjoy it *with* them.  Stay close by so they can share with you.  Watch their shows with them.  Play their games with them. Bring them yummy snacks.  Chances are, they *will* get their fill, and start taking you up on some of your other suggestions (once they feel more confident that their TV shows/games/computer will still be there for them when they want them) But in the meantime, how much nicer will it be – for you AND for them – to appreciate where they’re at and what they’re learning and what they’re finding enjoyable, instead of stressing out about it and wishing they were doing something else with their time?  Don’t feel like a bad parent!  Instead, use that feeling as an impetus to connect with them where they’re at.

They will be okay.  And so will you.  Give it time, and lots and lots and patience.

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Q and A – How Do I Move To Gentle Parenting?

On YouTube with an answer to another parenting question:

If you have children and have been spanking and using rewards and punishments their whole lives, how do you start to make the needed connections to be a gentle parent?

I answer this question, and share my own favorite piece of parenting advice I’ve ever heard. Plus, another cameo appearance by my cat.  🙂

 

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Unschooling Q & A

Answering a few more questions today, this time all about unschooling!

Is there ever a place for curriculum in the early years, or at all?

How do you handle extreme criticism from family about unschooling?

I’m unschooling in a strict state.  How do I make sure they learn everything they need for the tests?

Got more questions for me?  Send ’em here.

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Q & A – Chores

The first of my Q & A videos is live! I started with chores, because it seems to be a pretty universal question. I have a lot more questions to answer in future videos, but if you have more, feel free to send ’em!

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Q & A – Should I Just Let Her Play?

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Once upon a time, I decided I’d devote a day of every week to answering some of the many questions I get about unschooling and/or gentle parenting.  And for a few weeks in a row, I even succeeded.  But, well, life happens, and it’s been many many weeks.   I’m excited to bring it back again, for however long it lasts.  🙂

This first one is from the wall on my Facebook page.  Thanks, Heather!  (Have questions for me?  Post them there, or send me a message, and I’ll get to as many as I can)

 

“I am trying to wrap my mind around unschooling…how do you set goals (do you?) how do you meter growth/success…do we even need to? if my 6 yo doesn’t want to sit down and read, I just let her play? please help!”

 

“How do you set goals (do you?)”   

My goal when it comes to my kids is to continually help and support them as they strive to reach their own goals.  Everyone’s life/plans/timetable/passions are different, so it wouldn’t be fair for me to me to impose my own (arbitrary) goals on my kids.  I also think it’s important to consciously ask ourselves if what we’re doing/encouraging is based on what our kids want, or based on what we as their parents want.  For example, the child who loves gymnastics or soccer or figure skating at age 6 might not want to spend hours training, or in competition, or in climbing through the ranks, and that’s okay!!  As a writer, I was always told I needed to go to college and major in English or journalism of some sort.  I tried college…. It wasn’t the path for me.  And my husband, who has a very good job working in finance, has long wished that he hadn’t listened to those who told them that his proclivity for math meant he should go into accounting, when his inclination had always been to pursue a career outdoors, working with his hands.   We don’t want our kids to ever have those regrets, so their goals will always be exactly that:  THEIRS.

“How do you meter growth/success…do we even need to?”

No need to formally meter anything.  Just as it’s impossible for a child not to learn and grow when he or she has caring and involved parents, it’s also impossible not to SEE said learning and growth when you’re paying attention to your child.  You’ll see it every day when your child is doing things he wasn’t doing the day before, asking questions she wasn’t asking the day before, interested in things he wasn’t interested in the day before, discussing things she wasn’t discussing the day before.  Children are always learning, and it’s something you will see with your own eyes, every time you look at them.  One of the best illustrations of this that I’ve ever read, the thing that really made it “click” for me so many years ago was the idea of thinking about knitting.  If you learn to knit… whether you teach yourself, or someone else shows you how… do you give yourself a test or a quiz at the end to see if you’ve learned?  No.  You knit!  And it’s the same way for children, whether it’s knitting or reading or baking or geometry.  You’ll know they’ve learned, because you’ll see it.

“If my 6 yo doesn’t want to sit down and read, I just let her play?”

Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!  Let her play at 6, let her play at 8, let her play at 16.  Forcing a child to read when she needs to play (or for that matter, forcing a child to play when she wants to read) is counterproductive at best.  As John Holt says, “True learning – learning that is permanent and useful, that leads to intelligent action and further learning — can arise only out of the experience, interest, and concerns of the learner”  Your child, when given the proper support and attention, is the one who best knows what she needs to be learning, when, and how, and for what reasons.  Natural learning isn’t always linear.  It goes in fits and starts, in circles and loops, from one interest to the other.   But when you step back and look at it, you’ll see that it was all interconnected all along.

Six months ago, my daughter (7 in February) wasn’t yet reading.  Today she is reading, better and better each day, largely because she  started playing Minecraft and other online games, and wanted to be able to chat with her friends.   Her three brothers before her learned in much the same fashion – at different ages, in different ways, for different reasons – because it was important and necessary and useful to them.  Looking at them now, at 10, 14, and 17, you’d never be able to tell who started reading when… and it doesn’t matter.  They all can read.

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Kids know how to learn.  Do they ever know how to learn.  The best thing we can do as parents is to pay attention, support, encourage, engage…. and otherwise get out of their way and watch it happen.

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Q & A – Algebra, Geometry, and Essays… Oh My

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Every Tuesday, I’ll choose a question or two to answer here on my blog, as long as the questions last. Want to ask me about unschooling or parenting or anything else I write about (which is, uh, pretty much everything)? Send them here, or post on my Facebook page.  

Here’s today’s question, and it’s another one that I get a lot:

 

How do unschoolers learn advanced math like algebra, geometry, etc, and proper writing like essay writing, MLA format and the like? I’m starting my unschooling journey in a few months and my hubby is concerned about these things.

First, I need to start out by asking:  Do you use advanced math in your daily life?  Because I don’t.  I use very basic math and algebraic concepts for things like shopping, baking, figuring out tips, etc.  For many, many people, that’s the only math they will ever need.  Even my husband, who went into a math-related field largely because it was a strength of his and as such was always pushed as a career path, rarely uses more than the basics.

If something is a must-learn in an individual’s life, it will present itself… and along with it, an opportunity to learn it in  a real and applicable way that makes sense for the learner.  If it’s not necessary in life, and it doesn’t present itself, why would you need to learn it in the first place?

If an unschooler wants or needs (for example: for a certain chosen career path, a college plan, or just an innate desire) to learn an advanced math, there are a literally unlimited number of ways for him to do so.  There are free websites such as Khan Academy.  There are online courses.  There are family and friends and mentors.  There are college classes (lots of unschoolers choose to take classes well before they are “college age”).  There are books. There are DVDs.  There are moments of play and discovery and epiphanies with calculators and other tools.  Just try and stop an interested and engaged child from learning about math! Can’t do it.

Likewise, “proper” writing like essays is something with a very limited application that not everyone is going to want or need.  I haven’t written a proper essay since college, and I’m not ashamed at all to admit that I don’t even know what MLA format is.  I’ve made it forty years on this planet without that knowledge, and I’m doing okay.  😉  But just like with math, when or if a child (or an adult for that matter) wants to learn something writing-related, the answer is never more than a click or a Google search away.

And it’s not that I’m minimizing the importance of learning certain things, because yes – absolutely – some people are going to need to know advanced trigonometry.  Some people are going to need to know how to write a killer essay. Some people are going to need to know what MLA format is.  But what I need to know as a mom, a writer, and a yoga teacher, is going to be vastly different from what my husband needs to know as a budget and payroll director.  Which is going to be vastly different from what our oldest, who’s studying small engine repair, needs to know. Which is going to be vastly different from what our fourteen year old, who’s interested in computers, needs to know.  Etc.

No one knows what knowledge, skills, or tools are going to be useful for another person on their particular life path. And the beauty of unschooling is that you don’t have to know!  Your job as an unschooling parent isn’t to impart a certain set of “must-know” facts.  Your job as an unschooling parent is to help provide the people, places, tools, and experiences that enable them to learn what they need to know, when they need to know it.   Your job is to nurture and foster their natural and intrinsic desire to grow and learn, so that when they DO need or want to learn something – whether it’s geometry, writing an essay, or baking a cake – they can do so.  Easily, naturally, and in a way that makes sense for them.

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