Category Archives: self image

My Dear Daughter, Your Value Doesn’t Change With What You’re Wearing

tegantrampoline

The following was recently passed around Facebook.  (Emphasis at the end is my own.) The author is unknown:

A girl bought an iPad, when her father saw it, He asked her “What was the 1st thing you did when you bought it?

“I put an anti-scratch sticker on the screen and bought a cover for the iPad” she replied.

“Did someone force you to do so?” “No” “Don’t you think it’s an insult to the manufacturer?” “No dad! In fact they even recommend using
a cover for the iPad” “Did you cover it because it was cheap & ugly?”

“Actually, I covered it because I didn’t want it to get damage and decrease in value.”
“When you put the cover on, didn’t it reduce the iPad’s beauty?”

“I think it looks better and it is worth it for the protection it gives my iPad.”

The father looked lovingly at his daughter and said, “Yet if I had asked you to cover your body which is much more precious than the iPad, would you have readily agreed???” She was
mute…..

Indecent dressing and exposure of your body reduces your value and respect.


May God guide us all.

My first reaction was one of disgust.  As my eyes scanned the comments looking for other people who felt the same way I did, I was just met with “Amen”s and “How true!”s.  More disgust.  Had we read the same thing?  The tome that reduced a girl’s body to a physical object?  One that lost its value if it wasn’t clothed in a certain fashion?  One that wasn’t worthy of respect if it wasn’t properly covered up?  I think the thing that bothered me most of all (“bothered” isn’t even the right word… it creeped me right out) was that the father “looked lovingly at his daughter,” before he gave his edict to cover up, like she’d covered up the iPad.  Misogyny and control aren’t love.

Ultimately, reading things like this makes me so overwhelmingly sad.  Sad because they illustrate how far we still need to go.

Sad because they remind me of the prevalent thinking of girls being somehow “less than.”

Sad because they only cheer on the patriarchal society that sees to it that the men get to dictate what women should or should not wear… or do… or think.

Sad because it speaks to the larger issue of a world that somehow simultaneously heralds women as nothing more than sex objects, and disparages them for said sexuality at the same time… calling them whores.  Or loose.  Or easy.

Sad because this is exactly the kind of teaching that leaves girls feeling devalued and worthless, like they don’t deserve love.  They’re nothing more than their bodies, right?  So if they showed too much skin, or looked too attractive, or God forbid engaged in premarital sexual activity… who would want them?  (Many abstinence-only trainings go so far as to compare girls who’ve lost their virginity to used chewing gum.)

Sad because it contributes to a culture of victim blaming that leaves the 1 in 4 women who will experience a sexual assault in their lifetime feeling ashamed, as though it were somehow their fault.

At the time of this writing, my daughter is only eight.  But I fear for her future if this is the kind of thing that people aspire to teach their daughters, and pass on to their sons.  Is this really the message we want to send to today’s young girls? That they’re nothing more than a body?  A body that must be properly covered lest it “lose its value”?

My message for my daughter is very different.   At the end of the day – away from the white noise of society, and the church, and advertising, and television, and social media, and politics – this is what I want my daughter to know:

You, my dear daughter, are amazing.

You are strong, and kind, and creative, and intelligent, and funny.  You have a big, beautiful, giving heart.  You make people laugh. You take care of those around you.  I don’t doubt for a second that you can achieve absolutely anything that you put your mind to.

I hope you know how incredible you are.  I hope you know how much you have to offer.  I hope you know that your value, your worth as a daughter, a sister, a friend, a human soul… it’s infinite.  The world is a better place just because you are in it.

At some point in time, society is going to try to reduce you to just your body, but you don’t have to listen!  I need you to know that you are so much more than your body.  Your body is just a physical place to house your beautiful soul.

I don’t mean to diminish it though, because your body is pretty freaking amazing too!  It lets you run, and jump on the trampoline, and pump yourself high on the swings.  It lets you swim like a mermaid, and give fierce hugs, and bake cookies with your brother.  My hope is that you are kind to your body: That you will treat it well, and feed it good foods, and give it plenty of exercise.  Not for me!, and not to reach some aesthetic ideal, and certainly not for society, but for YOU, so you can keep it healthy and strong so you can do all the things you want it to do.  I hope you take your body on grand adventures.  I hope you build and create things with your hands, I hope you aren’t afraid to get dirty, I hope you use your skills and your time to help others.  Maybe one day you’ll climb to the top of a mountain, or ski down one instead. Maybe your body will one day give birth to a baby, or carry you onto a plane to go adopt one.

Yes, your body will take you to amazing places.  It is is going to grow, and hurt, and heal, and love, and fight.

One day you’ll feel the thrill of a first romantic kiss, and the physical ache in your heart at a romance gone wrong.

It seems grossly superficial and irrelevant to even think about how you are clothed (really, in the grand scheme of things, what on earth does it matter?) but sooner or later someone’s going to make you think that it’s important, and I want you to know this:  I hope you dress in a way that makes you feel beautiful and comfortable and confident.  I hope you dress in a way that reflects you.  I hope you dress in whatever makes you feel best able to grab life by the horns and leave your own unique, indelible mark.  The one that says, “I was here.  And I mattered.”

You will change lives just by existing.  I know, because you’ve already changed mine, and you’re not even nine years old.

And the thing is, no matter what you’re wearing, no matter how much you weigh, no matter what your hair or your face or your body looks like, you STILL HAVE JUST AS MUCH VALUE.

Because your value?  Your worth?  That’s inside of you, and no one can take it away.

12 Comments

Filed under acceptance, parenting, perspective, respect, self image, Uncategorized

40 For 40

Today, I turn 40.

 

This is 40

This is 40


I haven’t done New Year’s resolutions for a long time (although some of what follows will definitely sound resolution-ish) but I do so love a list of goals.  This year, as I approached 40 and my brain started tickling with all the new things I wanted to experience this year, I decided that a “40 for 40” list was in order.

It’s a year of celebrating me.  Of self-care.  Of creativity.  Of honoring the 40 years I’ve been on this planet.  40 years is a long time, and yet…. God willing, sooo much life still ahead of me! So much to do and see and try and taste and experience.

40 is also the year that I let go of the last few holds of perfectionism.  The need to DO ALL THE THINGS, and do them all “right.”  To that end, if I don’t do something on the list, it’s okay!  If I decide I don’t want to do something after all, that’s okay too. Maybe it’ll get added to the 41 for 41 list.  Or maybe it’ll get replaced with something even better.  I have no doubt that it will all work out exactly the way it’s supposed to.

And without further ado, my list (and my commentary):

 

  1. Start gauging my earsMainly because it’s just something I always wanted to try.  So I did, a week ago today.  I’m a tiny little 14 gauge right now, and plan to go up to 0.
  2. Get another tattooThat’s done too!  Thanks to my lovely friend Erika coming to visit at the last minute. Tattoos are always better when you go with a buddy!  It made tattoo #5.
  3. Take a karate class Another thing I always wanted to do.  My class started on Wednesday.  It is fun and fast paced, and so much harder than I thought it would be!  It made me feel so clumsy and uncoordinated, it’s amazing I can put my own pants on in the morning.  I was telling my sister, who is taking the class with me, that it’s a good thing I waited till now to take it.  The old me would have been too intimidated, too embarrassed to go back after my muddled first attempt… but the current me is shouting, “YEAH!  A challenge!!”  I can’t wait to learn more!
  4. Go back to school – I’ve taken various classes over the past several years, took a nutrition program, earned my RYT to teach yoga, etc.  Earning a degree has never held any importance for me (and it still doesn’t), but ASU recently expanded their online offerings, and I found something called Healthy Lifestyle Coaching which combines fitness, nutrition, yoga, anatomy… all those things I get super geeked about, all in one major. And well, given the fact that I get a ridiculous discount since Mike works for them, I just couldn’t NOT do it.
  5. Put on a successful conference I’m not gonna lie.  I’m nervous.  Possibly as nervous as I’ve ever been about anything.
  6. Draw something.  Hang it on my wall.  – I took art classes all through high school, and a few in college.  I liked painting, but I loved drawing and sketching.  Pencil, charcoal, pen and ink… loved.  I’ve missed it.
  7. Knit a project from start to finish – I taught myself to knit a few years ago, but got bored before I actually completed anything.  Thought it’d be fun to pick it up again.
  8. Get back into doing a handstand – even if it’s against a wall.  My shoulder’s ready. And, 
  9. Learn the scorpion pose – They worked on this a bit when I was in my teacher training a year and a half ago, but my shoulder injury dictated that I sit it out.  🙁  Fast forward through surgery, and a L O N G recovery, and I was never able to work on it.  I’m ready for that now, too.
  10. Sit down at the piano, and practice and learn a new song  –  One song, any song. And not just the intro.
  11. Get back down to my drivers license weight – Okay, so, I am the first person to tell you to ignore the scale, don’t focus on numbers… that you should gauge your progress by how you feel, how strong you are, how your clothes fit, etc.  But.  There’s something powerful about having a specific, concrete goal (such as do x number of pushups, or run x number of miles) rather than a general, “get healthy.”  Well, too many pushups blow out my shoulder.  I only run when chased.   But I can control my weight.   Some of the 20 or so pounds I’ve put on over the past few years are due to a changing metabolism for sure… but much was also due to injury, depression, less activity, ::cough:: too much alcohol, and just plain not taking care of myself the way I should.  I won’t beat myself up about the past.  My body has – mostly – served me well exactly the way it is. But I’m ready to do something else with it now.
  12. Finish my parenting book  – It’s time.
  13. Take myself on a date to the movies – Once upon a time, I would have been way too self-conscious and embarrassed to do something like that by myself.  But last year, I accompanied Mike on a trip to Chicago for business, and needed to keep myself occupied when he was busy at his conference.  I went to two movies by myself, and I LOVED IT. Seriously loved it. Like, “Why on earth haven’t I been doing this all along??” loved it.  So I need to do it again.
  14. Spend an afternoon drinking coffee and wandering around Barnes and Noble – Because books.  And coffee.
  15. Re-read Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance – I was in my early 20’s the first time I read it, and am curious how my 40 year old self will relate in comparison.
  16. Read Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking – I’ve only fully embraced my introvert self in the past few years, and have been recommended this book over and over.
  17. Read The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy – Just because everyone’s always shocked that I’ve never read it. So I put it on my “see what the fuss is about” list.
  18. Paint a picture – Hang it on the wall, with my drawing.
  19. Take an overnight trip by myself – I just need to decide who I’m going to visit!
  20. Take an aerial silk class – Because it’s awesome
  21. Learn how to make a really good homemade pad thai – Because it’s delicious
  22. Get some new eye makeup and learn how to use it –  I’m 40, and have no idea how to use makeup.  I’ve been a mascara and lipgloss girl forever, if I can be bothered to use that much.
  23. Spend a day at the zoo, just to take pictures – my favorite place to play with the zoom
  24. Get rid of all my clothes I don’t love/don’t fit – My drawers are stuffed, and I wear just a few favorite things.  This makes no sense?
  25. Hike at least 20 new spots in the valley – It’s sort of criminal that I live here, surrounded by all these great views and hiking trails, and I barely venture out of the house unless it’s in the truck to go off-roading. And, bonus, this is one my family can enjoy with me.
  26. Make a blogging schedule, and stick to it… whether it’s once a week, every day, etc – I try to give up blogging sometimes, but it keeps calling me back…
  27. *Don’t* do Nano, and feel good about skipping it – For the past 4 years, November has meant I was writing like a crazy woman, trying to get in my 50,000 word novel before the month ended. I loved it and hated it and got a lot out of it… but this year I’m focused on other things.
  28. Go to a concert – Christina Perri is coming to Tempe.  I’m a little bit obsessed with her.
  29. Sew something – Finish it.
  30. Make myself a chain mail necklace and/or bracelet – So far I’ve only made them as gifts, but I really love doing it.
  31. Aim to do yoga *every* day… but feel no guilt if I skip it – I need to do this if I’m going to be successful at #8 and #9
  32. Go back to a paper planner, and do this with it. –  I’m on week two so far, and loving it!
  33. Actually cook/bake/create some of the things I’ve pinned on Pinterest – Because there’s too many cool/delicious/fun things on there to let them just languish away on the interwebs.
  34. Get Melt: The Art of Macaroni and Cheese and work my way through it  – Don’t care that’s it’s all carbs and dairy.  Sigh. Garrett of Vanilla Garlic.  I’m a little bit obsessed with him too.  
  35. Get some Earth Boxes and grow some vegetables.  Try not to kill them – I’m sadly the only one in the family who was not blessed with a green thumb.  I kill Christmas cactuses.  I kill things that are supposed to be impossible to kill.  I’m not going to get crazy, but surely maybe I can grow some tomatoes.
  36. Do the purging challenge at least for one month http://www.theminimalists.com/game/ – DO IT.
  37. Take the Personal Trainer test – I’ve had the book for at least a couple of years now.  I just need to study it.
  38. Find a really perfect pair of jeans and a really perfect hoodie – Everyone should have jeans and a hoodie that they really love and feel great in.  I don’t currently have any that fit that criteria.  🙁
  39. Ditto for a skirt – I’m not a skirt person.  But I think it’d be fun to be one sometimes.
  40. Pay off one credit card – Because, ugh.  Enough already.

 

And there’s my list.  Phew.  I can’t wait to cross the next thing off!  Happy birthday to me.

5 Comments

Filed under about me, birthdays, dreams, goals, learning, life, random, self image

That Girl Needs To Lay Off The Cheeseburgers

Does that title make you uncomfortable?  Good.  It’s supposed to.  It made me uncomfortable to write it.  We’re supposed to be bothered by such derogatory comments, because we all know (or at least, we should know) that they’re unkind and hurtful.  I sincerely hope that if you’re reading this right now, that we can agree – whether you’ve ever said something like that or not – that picking on someone for being a larger size is not a very nice thing to do.

What I’m wondering then, is why on earth it seems to be so socially acceptable to knock someone for being very thin?  When did this become okay?

Hold that thought.

Last Sunday was the Grammy Awards.  I get more excited about awards shows than I rightfully should.  I love them.  I do.  I love music and movies and television and pop culture in general; I love the pomp and circumstance; and I love the revealing of the answer to the scintillating question that’s on everyone’s minds:  What will the stars be wearing??  It’s true.  There’s something strangely thrilling about watching pretty people in dresses that cost more than my car.

My husband, who would rather have extensive elective dental work than sit through more than 3 minutes of an awards show, was beside me in body but not so much in spirit… so I virtually watched it alongside hundreds of other people via Twitter and Facebook.  It was interesting following all the commentary in real-time.

Adele’s wearing color!

Chris Brown and Rhianna are publicly canoodling even after he assaulted her.

Oh. Em. Gee.  It’s Justin Timberlake!

And then came the body-shaming.  “Someone feed Taylor Swift a sandwich.”  “Nicole Kidman needs a cheeseburger.”  “Faith Hill’s gotten way too skinny.”

Again, I have to ask:  When did this become okay?  If we can all agree that it’s not right to negatively point out someone’s larger size, why shouldn’t the same hold true for those on the other side of the spectrum?  Why should we be critiquing others’ bodies at all?

The day after the Grammys, I was looking through a pictorial of the attendees’ dresses on a popular entertainment website.  On the side bar, two previous articles caught my attention:  The first, an article touting celebrities’ best-kept weight-loss secrets.  Right below it?  “The most scary skinny bikini bodies.”  Is it any wonder society is so confused, with that kind of disparity?  Lose weight, lose weight, lose weight!!  Too skinny, too skinny, too skinny!!

I used to be the “too thin” girl.  I’m not anymore  – my 39 year old body has resolutely decided to naturally carry 20 more pounds than my 29 year old body – but once upon a time I was the one being told to “eat a couple sandwiches.”

It’s hurtful, and it’s embarrassing.

I remember being at a holiday party once, all dressed up and feeling festive and pretty.  I was shivering, literally shaking, because it turned out I was coming down with the flu.  A friend of a friend looked at me, and said, loudly enough for the whole roomful of people to look at him, “It’s because you’re so damn skinny.  You need to eat something.  I can practically see right through you!”

15 years later, I can still remember exactly what he said, and exactly how it made me feel.

Dove has an ad campaign called “Real Women” that mostly features women with curves.  Real women have curves, these ads cry.  And you know what?  Sometimes they do.  And sometimes real women have no curves.  Sometimes real women are tall and lanky.  Sometimes real women have big boobs, and sometimes real women have no boobs.  Sometimes real women have no hair, and sometimes they have hair everywhere.  Sometimes real women have flabby thighs and flat butts and muffin tops.  Sometimes real women have big ears and stretch marks and bony knees.  Sometimes real women sit behind a desk all day and wear a size zero.  Sometimes real women spend all day in the gym and never get below an 18.

Sometimes real women laugh when they want to cry.

Can we stop with the body shaming?  I am so, so tired of a culture that fights so hard against a “thin is beautiful” mindset that it’s only succeeded in carving the second side of the same damn coin.

Thin is beautiful.

Big is beautiful.

Healthy is beautiful.

Strong is beautiful.

Vulnerable is beautiful.

Happy and confident and kind are beautiful.

We never know someone’s story just by looking at them.   Can I say that I again, because *I* seem to forever need to reminder?

We never know someone’s story just by looking at them. 

It’s easy and convenient to assume that a diet or a sandwich will cure someone’s supposed “flaws”… but it’s far more kind (and so much more productive) to never see them as flaws to begin with.

(I wrote about this same subject here)

25 Comments

Filed under acceptance, body image, hot topics, judgement, love, rant, self image

Barbies, and the Girls Who Love Them

20130108_094916
I grew up playing with Barbies.  In fact, some of my favorite childhood memories involve being out in the yard with my sister, with nothing but a big bin of Barbies and our imaginations.  These were not dainty, sedentary Barbies either.  These were badass Barbies.  We’d create these elaborate and far-flung adventures for all of them, complete with homemade planes, boats, and parachutes.  Sigh.  Oh the parachutes.  We’d get them all suited up, climb to the roof of the barn, and with a count of three and a squeal of anticipation, we’d launch them as hard as we could.  Then we watched as they ideally floated  – but sometimes plummeted –  to the ground below.  We’d then scramble down, assess any damage, and do it all over again.   If anyone was injured (and it was known to happen.. apparently Barbies aren’t designed to withstand being thrown off of roofs), we’d duck tape em back together.   My favorite Barbie had a makeshift neck brace, which is a polite way of saying I’d taped her head back together, for her final jump.  After that, she retired.

Yes, happy memories of playing with Barbies indeed.  And not once, in all the years and all the afternoons and all the hours of playing with Barbies, did I ever think,

“Man, do I wish I had her rockin’ body.”

When I asked recently on my Facebook page if there were any toys you didn’t allow in your home, Barbie’s name came up again and again.

She’s too gender-specific.

She promotes an unrealistic and unhealthy body image.

She wears too much makeup.

Her clothes are too “slutty.”  This one bothers me the most of all, because 1) It assumes that how one dresses (a toy, at that) is an indicator of her sexual behavior, which is unfair at best, and 2)  It’s projecting a negative, adult stereotype onto something that is meant for children.

In fact, all of the above statements are observations made through adult and prejudiced eyes.  Kids don’t see it that way unless they learn it from us!  When un-jaded children look at toys (and life) they see beauty.  They see potential.  They see adventure.  They see fun.

They do not see a scantily clad, heavily made up, unnaturally thin Barbie who’s obviously spending way too much time counting her carbs and canoodling with GI Joe.

My daughter loves her Barbies.  They’re often on the floor, resting after their latest adventure.  Right now they’re in her room alongside her ponies, babies, books, rocks, sticks, pine cones, feathers, and other treasures.  They’re not scary.  They’re not harmful.  They’re no more or less than another avenue to play and imagination and fantasy.  She likes to change their clothes and pretend that they’re going out to a concert.  Or to someone’s house for a party.  Or to the beach.  Or on a road trip.

Her play is innocent, and sweet, and yes, child-like.  She plays like she doesn’t care about the things that us adults are all hung up on, because she doesn’t.   She doesn’t question the fact that Barbie’s legs go up to her armpits.  She doesn’t make snap negative judgments about things like makeup and short skirts and bra size.  She doesn’t stress out about things like body image. Will that come later?  I don’t know.  I hope not.  I pray not.  My hope for my daughter, for all my children, is that they keep the same self-love they have right now.  That they know that beauty and strength and intelligence come in a myriad of packages…. none more right nor admirable nor desirable than the other.

When I play Barbies with Tegan, the play is never unnaturally focused on their appearance.  Yes, she likes to dress them up and do their hair the same way she enjoys doing those things herself.  But once they’re ready for their day, it’s about the fun. Like her mom so many years before, she uses her Barbies as a gateway to adventure.  The last time we played, Everett joined in too.  She assigned us both a Barbie, and happily announced, “They’re going to go camping now!”

And my heart swelled.  Surely sky-diving can’t be far behind.

6 Comments

Filed under parenting, self image, Tegan

Dreads at 3 Months: Redefining Beauty

My dreads are three months old.  Which means for ninety something days now, I’ve been carrying around these ropy, tangly, matted knots, instead of the long, thick wavy hair that partially defined me for all of my previous 38 years.   And they look, well…  they’re a huge mess.  Their current appearance does not do much to help the opinions of my mom all the people who think that dreadlocks are unkempt or unwashed.  Despite my tender loving care, some days they look a little bit – or a lot – of both.  I feel this overwhelming need to say that out loud, because I can feel the looks.  I can feel the wordless stares.  Not necessarily because I have dreadlocks, but because I have crazy, messy, rebellious teenage dreadlocks.   They’re a mess.  I’m aware.

They are filled with crazy loops and twists and lumps and bumps.  All of which are a normal progression in the journey of dreadlocks (and actually a good sign that they are doing what they are supposed to do), but somehow very different in reality than they were when they were merely hypothetical.   There are things to do to “tame” the loops a little quicker…  there are techniques that involve basically poking and threading with big needles, and/or I could always find a salon that does dread maintenance.

BUT.  And it’s a big but.  I’ve decided to embrace the chaos.

Some of the “maintenance” recommended by certain websites and schools of thought can actually cause a lot of damage.  And the last thing I want is to commit to a long-term hairstyle, only to have them thin and fall out because I didn’t treat them properly!  More than that though, is this linear idea that neat, perfect and uniform = beautiful.   Did I decide to take this drastic and bold step with my hair, only to make it look like everyone else’s?  If I’d wanted that, I could have gotten perfectly round extensions.  No, what I signed up for was a journey.  I’m surely not done with my own journey of growth, so why should my hair be any different?  I have bad days and bumpy days and setbacks… but I am learning to trust that there is beauty, not just in the end, but in the process.

I didn’t like what I’d started to see in myself over the past several weeks as my hair changed.   Me, forever proud not to be overly attached to things like make-up, hairstyles, and fashion…   I was mourning my old hair.   I’d be fine for a few days,  hiding it all under a buff or bandana, and then I’d take a good look in the mirror, wanting to look nice for church or dinner or just a day out.  On one shoulder would be the confidence. “You can own this!  You’re awesome!”  And on the other, would be that insecure teenager again.   “But.  But.  It’s not pretty.”

I am so much more than my hair.

At the same time, my hair’s become an outward symbol of an inward process, more so than I ever could have imagined when I started this journey three months ago.  I look forward to having mature, beautiful dreads in a couple of years.  I do.  But now, I look forward to the journey even more… loops, bumps, and all.

Once a little boy was playing outdoors and found a fascinating caterpillar. He carefully picked it up and took it home to show his mother. He asked his mother if he could keep it, and she said he could if he would take good care of it.

The little boy got a large jar from his mother and put plants to eat, and a stick to climb on, in the jar. Every day he watched the caterpillar and brought it new plants to eat.

One day the caterpillar climbed up the stick and started acting strangely. The boy worriedly called his mother who came and understood that the caterpillar was creating a cocoon. The mother explained to the boy how the caterpillar was going to go through a metamorphosis and become a butterfly.

The little boy was thrilled to hear about the changes his caterpillar would go through. He watched every day, waiting for the butterfly to emerge. One day it happened, a small hole appeared in the cocoon and the butterfly started to struggle to come out.

At first the boy was excited, but soon he became concerned. The butterfly was struggling so hard to get out! It looked like it couldn’t break free! It looked desperate! It looked like it was making no progress!

The boy was so concerned he decided to help. He ran to get scissors, and then walked back (because he had learned not to run with scissors…). He snipped the cocoon to make the hole bigger and the butterfly quickly emerged!

As the butterfly came out the boy was surprised. It had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. He continued to watch the butterfly expecting that, at any moment, the wings would dry out, enlarge and expand to support the swollen body. He knew that in time the body would shrink and the butterfly’s wings would expand.

But neither happened!

The butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings.

It never was able to fly…

As the boy tried to figure out what had gone wrong his mother took him to talk to a scientist from a local college. He learned that the butterfly was SUPPOSED to struggle. In fact, the butterfly’s struggle to push its way through the tiny opening of the cocoon pushes the fluid out of its body and into its wings. Without the struggle, the butterfly would never, ever fly. The boy’s good intentions hurt the butterfly.

Struggling is an important part of any growth experience. In fact, it is the struggle that causes you to develop your ability to fly.

 

18 Comments

Filed under about me, acceptance, being happy with what is, dreadlocks, life, self image

Marilyn Monroe, ultra-thin models, and my hopes for my daughter…

A few weeks ago, there was a picture going around Facebook, with a caption that read,

 “F**k Society. This (with an arrow pointing to Marilyn Monroe) is more attractive than this (with an arrow pointing to an underweight girl in a bikini)”

This was this picture of Marilyn Monroe:

 

I was going to include a picture for the skinny girl too, but I ultimately decided against it.  We all know what she looked like.  She was runway-model slim.  You could see her ribs, and instead of curves she was all lines and angles and elbows.

I understand that the message is supposed to be a positive one.  It’s supposed to encourage us to accept our bodies, not to bow to societal pressures to chase some mythical or unhealthy ideal.  It’s supposed to remind us to appreciate the beauty of what is by some considered a “larger” woman.

And absolutely, Marilyn Monroe was beautiful.  Beautiful face, beautiful figure, beautiful smile.   That’s not in question.

But the element of comparison leaves me a little cold, as did the many comments of agreement, and those who took it a step further by calling the thin girl “disgusting,” “hideous,” and “ugly.”  Suddenly, a message of acceptance and love was turned on its head … and instead of embracing beauty in all shapes and sizes (which I’d truly like to believe was the original intent), people were banding together to bash those who are smaller.  And call me crazy, but isn’t it the height of hypocrisy to champion for the acceptance of one body type, while simultaneously lambasting another?

Now, I didn’t know the other girl in the picture any more than I knew Marilyn Monroe, but I can tell you this:

She could have been that thin simply because of genetics, in which case holding her up to Marilyn Monroe and saying she was the lesser of the two is just mean.  Or she could have been precluded from gaining weight due to some kind of illness, whether physical or otherwise, which would make the comparison not just mean but heartless too.  She could be a victim of her own self-hatred.  She could be breaking under the pressure that comes from so many people making judgments on outward appearances,  and she could be disappearing under an illusion of self-control.

Either way, I’m sad for that girl.  I’m sad about the state of our country’s body image in general.  And I’m sad that as a society our solution to the problem is just as bad as the problem itself.  Instead of declaring Marilyn attractive, and the thin girl unattractive, can we accept the inherent beauty in both?  Can we just aspire to be healthy?

Right now, my daughter is only three.  She still (rightly so) thinks her body is perfect and beautiful exactly the way it is.  I pray that that continues.

I hope that when she looks at herself and others, she doesn’t see skinny or large, curvy or athletic.  I hope that she never compares… not to each other, and not to herself.  I hope that when she looks in a mirror, she feels acceptance.  I hope that she still realizes that she was purposely and deliberately and uniquely created, and that she isn’t meant to look like Marilyn Monroe or the runway model or anyone but HER.

I hope that she is kind to herself, and kind to her body.  I hope that she eats good foods, and finds an exercise that she loves and does regularly….  not to look a certain way, or to fit into a certain size,  but to stay healthy and strong.

I hope that she respects and accepts others, no matter their size, shape, or age.   I hope that she loves them even when they can’t love themselves.

I hope that she embraces differences.

I hope that she realizes that our outer appearances are just that:  Just a shell.  And that beneath the curvy hips or the jutting hip bones, we’re all just … people.  And not all that different after all.

14 Comments

Filed under acceptance, self image

A Year Without Mirrors

(source)

Have you seen this blog?

Mirror, Mirror… OFF The Wall

I came across this the other day, and I found it absolutely fascinating. Like really fascinating. I can’t stop reading. You’ll definitely want to spend some time there when you’re done here (you’re welcome), but in a nutshell:

It’s written by a woman who formerly worked in the fashion industry, and is currently studying the relationship between “beauty” and equality. The blog is about her year-long experiment – begun 6 months before her wedding – in which she completely gives up mirrors.

I love it. Love the concept, love her writing, love how it makes me think.

Body image and self image and how we perceive beauty in general are such a huge part of our culture. I like to pretend that they aren’t, but turning on a television or picking up a magazine or walking just about anywhere in public tells me otherwise.

My kids tell me otherwise too, in ways that break my heart. My 14 year old starting to worry about shaving and acne and what girls will think of his appearance. My 11 year old, who has finally stopped cutting off all his curls because he thought that straight hair was cooler. My three year old little girl, who’s already been told by a proud 5 year old cousin: “You’re not as skinny as me.”

It all makes me sad, and certainly isn’t a subject that can be covered (or covered well anyway) in one single blog post. I think I just might write about it some more in the future. In the meantime, check out her blog, and be inspired.

Like the Path Less Taken on Facebook

Leave a Comment

Filed under blogging, life, random, self image