Category Archives: spanking

To All The Moms Who’ve Felt “Mom Shamed”

I’ve been writing this blog for over a decade now. Fifteen years if memory serves. In the past fifteen years, I have most definitely felt the judgment of people who vocally disagree with my choices. People are uncomfortable with attachment parenting, with extended (regular-length) breastfeeding, with breastfeeding in public, with homeschooling, with the way my kids have dressed or eaten or looked or breathed. People are uncomfortable with ME too, with my personality, or my beliefs, or my writing style … or, again, with the way I look (people can be mean on the internet.)

And yes, absolutely, there is a difference between politely disagreeing and being a d*ck about it. There is a difference between constructive criticism, and being mean just for the sake of being mean. The thing is, when you’re already worn down, when you already feel like the world is against you, it’s truly hard to differentiate. It all just feels like criticism, and not the constructive kind.

So I absolutely understand the feeling of being “shamed.” The good news is that as time went on, as I became more confident in my choices, it eventually didn’t sting quite as much. Don’t get me wrong… it still gets to me sometimes when people are cruel about it, but it doesn’t weigh me down the way it used to. Still, I understand the frustration and the isolation that comes from everybody judging your choices.

Which is why I’d have a hard time being a celebrity.

I did a quick Google search about mom shaming before I started writing this, and up popped dozens of articles about celebrities who’ve been harshly criticized and lambasted by the public. Everything from what foods they let their kids eat, to how long they let their hair grow, to how they dressed, to breastfeeding too long, to breastfeeding not long enough, to bottle-feeding, to kissing their kids on the lips, for daring to have a social life, to drinking a glass of wine, to working, to not working. The list is ridiculously long and endless. Some are scolded for publicly sharing their kids’ faces, while others are questioned about why they don’t share their kids’ faces. They are truly damned if they do, damned if they don’t. Which, if they’re like me, and sensitive to that kind of thing, must be exhausting.

I hear you. I see you.

But.

… And I’m truly and honestly trying to say this as gently and honestly and kindly as I can …

There are some things that just can’t be lumped into the “mom shaming” category. Some things, that like it or not, we need to swallow our pride about and just… listen. Safety is one of them. People get defensive and angry and prickly when their car seat errors are pointed out to them, but it’s science. Not shaming. There is a correct way to secure your child’s car seat into the car, and your child into the seat. (And yes, rear-facing is always the safest position for your infant, regardless of what height and weight they’ve reached) Similarly, people get defensive and angry and prickly when their baby wearing errors are pointed out to them, but it’s science. Not shaming. When Tegan was an infant, I used a sling for the first time, and had no idea what I was doing. I watched videos, read instructions, and asked other moms. If someone had approached me and told me the way I was wearing her was unsafe, would I have been embarrassed? Yup. Would I have been grateful and made the change? Yup.

But the thing that people get the most defensive and angry and prickly about? Spanking. And spanking, too, is a matter of safety, and a matter of science. Spanking harms children. My speaking out about spanking is not about shaming. It’s not about wanting to make people feel bad. It’s about genuine concern for children, for their safety, for their well-being, and for their right to be raised without violence. It’s about alternatives that people may not know exist. It’s about a kinder way to interact with our children. It’s about changing the script, flipping the narrative, and turning our backs on the “way things have always been done.” It’s about knowing better and doing better.

Have I gotten a lot of hate for speaking out about spanking? Yes. Is it worth it if one or two people have stopped spanking because of something they’ve learned from me? YES. A thousand times, yes.

So much of what we call mom shaming is just unfortunate noise. We really do have a wide range of – equally valid! – choices when it comes to parenting, and they’re all to be respected. Those who are quick to point out the perceived flaws in others’ choices are likely just unhappy with their own. And if I’ve contributed to that noise, whether in person or on this blog, know that I am sorry, and that I will try to do better.

But speaking out for children, for their rights, and for their safety? It’s just not the same thing as shaming, and is not something I’ll apologize for.

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An Open Letter to Kelly Clarkson

In a January 10th interview, Kelly Clarkson defended her decision to spank her kids, saying in part: “My parents spanked me, and I did fine in life, and I feel fine about it, and I do that as well.  That’s a tricky thing, when you’re out in public, because then people are like, they think that’s wrong or something, but I find nothing wrong with a spanking.”  The following is my response to those remarks.

You love your kids.  I don’t doubt this.  You would give your life for them.  Like the rest of us, you’re doing the best you can with the information you have, and you have the added pressure of having your every decision critiqued by the general public.  I can’t pretend to know what that’s like.

I understand what you are saying here.  I do.  You are simply doing what your parents did, and probably their parents too. Those patterns run deep, and they require a lot of effort, self-reflection, and often painful realizations to break.  Your parents loved you after all, so why would they do something that hurt you?  The fact is, they just did the best they knew how to do, with the information that they had at the time.  But we’re not our parents.  And we have more information now.

You say you’re “fine”, which is one of the most common refrains that I hear from those who spank their kids.  But – and I say this in the most gentle way I know how – you’re believing a lie.  You’re not fine if you think it’s okay to hit children.  That’s what spanking is.  It’s hitting.  And it’s hitting someone smaller and weaker than yourself.

The great thing about the passage of time is that we can learn from the generations before us.  Our parents did (and didn’t) do all kinds of the things that we now know more about, and can ideally learn from and do differently.  We didn’t wear seat belts.  Or bike helmets.  People smoked through their pregnancies. They were encouraged to wean after just a few months, or even weeks.  Just the other day I was thinking about piercings (I’m currently in the process of healing my latest one), and how the old school of thought told us to twist the jewelry every day.  Now, of course, we know that this actually impedes the healing process, and that the best thing to do is to just keep them clean and leave them alone.

When we know better, we do better.

There is a big movement right now admonishing moms to stop judging each other, and instead just recognize that people do things differently.  To a large extent, I agree!  I don’t care if you make your kids a homemade balanced breakfast, or if they eat a Pop-Tart in the car on the way to school.  I don’t care if their bedtime is at 7:00 or 11:00.  I don’t care if they spend their free time watching SpongeBob or reading Moby Dick.

The thing is though, spanking is not a parenting issue.  It’s a human rights issue. Children, like all humans, have the right to be free from violence, especially in their own home.  They have the right to autonomy, to decide who does and does not touch their bodies, and when, and how, and for what reason.  Hitting your children not only teaches them that it’s okay to solve problems by hitting, but it specifically teaches them to hit people who are smaller and weaker than themselves.  It also seriously blurs the lines of consent, and lets them believe that, well, sometimes it’s okay for people to touch private areas of their bodies, as long as the person doing the hitting is unhappy with their behavior.

Hitting a spouse – or a friend or a neighbor or a stranger in a bar – is assault, and a serious offense.  There are even animal cruelty laws to protect animals.  46 of the 50 states have enacted felony penalties for certain forms of animal abuse.  The fact that there are no such laws to protect children does not make it right.  Your right to parent as you see fit never supersedes your child’s right to be free from harm in his or her own home.  Because make no mistake.  No matter how you frame it, spanking is still hitting.  And hitting in any way, shape, or form (other than in self defense) is violence.  And it’s wrong.

The ironic part?  Parents that spank do so because they think it’ll improve their children’s behavior.  But study after study shows that spanking actually has the opposite effect.   Spanking makes a child less likely to listen, not more.  It also contributes to later aggression, anti-social behavior, and mental health problems.  This is real.  This is not an opinion, nor is it just empty words. Spanking is harmful, on every level, and the best of intentions (and absolutely, I believe that most parents are well-intentioned) doesn’t change that.

Our kids need our protection. They need our support and our guidance.  They need us to be living examples of what it means to be respectful and patient and kind.

More than anything though, they need our love.

And hitting should never, ever be conflated with love.

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Filed under gentle discipline, gentle parenting, headlines, hot topics, mindful parenting, parenting, spanking

The Problem With Kids These Days

It never fails.

I post something against spanking – or against punishment in general – and within the first couple of comments is the first of many arguments that sounds something like this:

“That’s the problem with kids today!  No one disciplines anymore!  That’s why this generation of kids are such entitled brats.”  Without asking any questions, without getting any clarification, without having any sort of discussion.  Every time.  Every time.  Sometimes the retort is complete with F words, and often it’s accompanied with words like “liberal” (or its ugly, derogatory derivative), or “snowflake.”  Sometimes people point to the “everyone gets a trophy” mentality.  Someone inevitably brings religion – or the lack thereof – into the mix.  But no matter what variation it takes, the message is still clear in its lament:

These damn kids these days!  And their damn parents who don’t DISCIPLINE them!

I’d be downright bored with its predictably if it wasn’t so frustrating.

First, let’s be clear.  When people say “discipline” in this context, they don’t actually mean “discipline” (which means to teach).  They mean spanking.  Spanking and discipline are not synonymous.  But let’s just say for the sake of argument that they’re the same thing.

So fine: no one spanks anymore, and therefore we have whole generation of mostly entitled, spoiled, disrespectful brats.

Please hear me when I say this:  The above statement is false.  Untrue.  Erroneous.  Fallacious.  It starts with a completely flawed premise.  The majority of parents do (unfortunately) still admit to spanking.  Hard numbers are obviously hard to come by, but many articles and studies, including this one, cite it as high as 70 to 90%.

70 to 90%!

Most parents still spank.  So if kids these days really are extra entitled or spoiled, you’re gonna have to blame it on something other than a lack of spanking.   And that’s not just me spouting stuff.  It’s fact.  Simple math. The argument is invalid.

The question remains though:  Is this generation exceptionally spoiled? Entitled?  Disrespectful?  I’m going to let Alfie Kohn answer that, because he addresses the issue so thoroughly and eloquently:

That’s why no generation of teens and young adults has ever been as self-centered as this one. Take it from journalist Peter Wyden, the cover of whose book on the subject depicts a child lounging on a divan eating grapes while Mom fans him and Dad holds an umbrella to protect him from the sun: It’s become “tougher and tougher to say ‘no’ [to children] and make it stick,” he insists.

and

Or listen to the lament of a parent who blames progressive child development experts for the fact that her kids now seem to believe “they have priority over everything and everybody.”

and

Or consider a pointed polemic published in The Atlantic. Sure, the author concedes, kids have always been pleasure seekers, but longtime teachers report that what we’re currently witnessing “is different from anything we have ever seen in the young before.” Parents teach “nothing wholeheartedly” and things come so easily to children nowadays that they fail to develop any self-discipline. Forget about traditional values: Today, it’s just a “culte du moi.”

Pretty telling, right?  He concludes with this:

Powerful stuff. Except now that I think about it, those three indictments may not offer the best argument against today’s parents and their offspring. That’s because they were published in 1962, 1944, and 1911, respectively.  (~all quotes take from his article, Spoiled Rotten – A Timeless Complaint.)

People have been lamenting “kids these days” since forever.  This is not something new.  This indictment of the current generation of kids and young adults is no different than the one that occurred when I was a kid… and when my parents were kids… and when my parents’ parents were kids…

People just historically like to blame kids (and by extension, those kids’ terrible parents) for all of society’s ills.

But you know what?  I don’t buy it.  I don’t.  I see this generation of kids and young adults and I see kids who are smart and creative and selfless.  I see kids who put others’ needs before their own.  Kids who care about their peers, about their families, about the issues facing the people and the world around them.  I see kids who are strong.  Resilient.  Confident.  I see kids who are quite literally changing the world with their ingenuity and with their enthusiasm.

I see kids and I hold them in high regard…. not for who they’ll potentially be in the future, but for who they are right now.

There’s nothing wrong with today’s kids.  In fact, the real problem with kids today?  Adults.  Adults who pre-judge them based on their own biases, and never even give them a chance.

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Instead of Punishment: Where to Start

You've decided to stop spanking.Now what-

 

I have four kids who’ve never been spanked.  I would like to say that they’ve never been punished at all, but while we’d resolved from the very beginning not to physically hurt our children, moving away from punishments completely took a little more time.  Thankfully, our youngest three have grown up with no punishments of any kind (which, as it always stands to be said again, is not the same thing as growing up without discipline.  The two words are not synonymous.)

For lots of other families though, the decision comes much later…. after they’ve already used spankings and/or timeouts and other traditional parenting methods.  They’re convicted by something they’ve read, or by a friend or family member, or maybe just because they feel an inner stirring that something isn’t right.  Whatever the reason, they resolve to stop spanking and punishing, and feel really confident about their decision.

And then – not always, but often – there’s that moment of sheer panic.

One question that I get a lot, in various forms, is this:

If I don’t spank, what do I do?

And I get it.  I do.  It’s one thing to embrace a philosophy, and quite another to feel equipped in that moment when your child sticks a pen through a sofa cushion just to see what will happen… or shoves (another) sandwich into the slot in the VCR… or throws her brothers shoes into a lake… *

The question is a good one, and the answer far too involved to fully cover in one blog post.  My hope is that the following list will serve as a good place to start.

1.  Change your perspective.

The reason that there’s no one single answer to the question, “What do you do instead of spanking?” is that moving away from punishments requires an entirely new mindset.  It’s not a one-for-one deal.  Punishments (and their cousins, rewards) reduce your interaction with your children to a transaction:  you apply some sort of prescribed action, and you – hopefully – get a desired result.   But that’s not the way respectful relationships work.  At least it shouldn’t be! You shouldn’t try to control your children through punishment, fear, and manipulation tactics any more than you should do so to your spouse, or sister, or best friend.    So while it is imperative that you learn and practice peaceful tools for dealing with stressful situations (more on that in point two), your entire perspective also needs to shift before you can really understand gentle parenting.  It’s not about control; it’s about connection.  It’s not about rules; it’s about relationships.  You’re going to have to ask yourself, possibly over and over again, “Is what I’m about to do/say going to bring me and my child closer together, or draw us further apart?”  But wait, that sounds like work.  Wouldn’t it be easier just to spank?  Well… yes!  It takes time, and care, and effort to parent without punishments.  In order to commit to parenting with more mindfulness and respect you need to be all in.  You need to realize and recognize that your children aren’t yours to control, but are their own unique, living, breathing HUMANS, who deserve to be treated with as much care and consideration as you’d extend to any other person that you loved.   The parent/child relationship is one of the most important relationships you will ever have.  And just like any key relationship, it needs to be nurtured in order to stay healthy and strong.   Shifting your focus to your relationship with your child – and to making it sweeter, and kinder, and gentler – takes effort, to be sure, but it is by far one of the most rewarding things you can do….. for you and your child both.

2.  Equip yourself with positive tools.

So you’re working on changing your perspective, you’re focused on the relationship… and then the 2 year old gets angry and hurls a remote control at her brother’s head.  What do you do? The nice thing is that the more connected you are with your child, the easier it is to react with patience in the moment.  You’ll know your child, you’ll know yourself, and you’ll figure out how best to problem-solve together. Before you can problem-solve though, you need to diffuse the immediate issue.  Here are a few great places to start:

Breathe.  It sounds like a cliche, but it’s not.  Unless someone’s in imminent danger, your very first response (especially if you’re angry or frustrated) needs to be breathing!  Take a deep breath before you speak.  Take 20, or 100.  Intentional breathing sends oxygen through your body, releases endorphins, slows your heart rate, calms your adrenaline, and reduces stress and anxiety.

Listen.  Behavior doesn’t exist in a vacuum.  Really stop and listen to what your child is trying to tell you.  Are they tired?  Frustrated?  Angry? Not feeling heard?  Just experimenting?  Find out the WHY behind the behavior, and you’ll know better how to proceed.

Empathize.  One of the most powerful and healing gifts someone can give us is empathy, and children are no exception.  Let them know that you hear what they’re saying, and that you understand how they’re feeling.

Redirect.   So much of what young children are punished for is completely normal and age-appropriate explorations.  Children learn from these explorations, so the last thing we want to do is punish them for it!  Instead, when your child does something unsafe, unkind, etc, consistently stop the behavior with a simple explanation (the younger the child, the fewer the words you should use), and move them on to a new activity.  With time and patience – and a parent by their side – they learn.

Take a time-IN.   Sometimes, what everyone needs is a change of scenery.  Pretty much the opposite of a time-out, which separates you from your child at a moment when they’re most needing connection, a time-in gives you both a chance to breathe, re-group, and get re-connected, together. A time-in can consist of any sort of new activity that you and your child find enjoyable.  There’s a long list of suggestions here.

3.  Walk beside them as they learn to safely navigate the world.

One of the things that I hear people say a lot is that they only spank for the most serious of infractions, such as safety issues.  I call it the, “But how will they learn to stay out of the street??” defense.  And it sounds reasonable enough.  If ever there was a time to spank, it’d be when their life was on the line, right?  But I couldn’t disagree more.  I actually think that safety issues are one of the weakest arguments for spanking, and here’s why:  any good parent’s gut instinct is going to tell them to react, and react in a hurry, if their child is in harm’s way.  Your toddler’s headed for a busy street, you react. Your baby’s about to stick a fork into an electrical outlet, you react.  And your facial expression, your words, your tone of voice, and your body language as you quickly move them to safety teach them everything they need to know…. without teaching them that they also need to fear pain at your hands as they’re learning. Navigate life with them.  Hold their hands when they cross the street.  Show them how to safely carry scissors and make toast and start a fire.  Help them keep their footing on the rocky trail. BE THERE with them as they figure out how life works, and they will naturally gain confidence and independence, all without ever having been punished for getting it wrong.

4.  Show them what respect looks like.

Along the same lines as number 3, children are not born knowing how to interact respectfully with the people around them.  They count on us as their parents to show them.  They don’t need punishments to learn that words are more effective than hitting for solving conflicts.  They don’t need punishments to learn that it’s unkind to call somebody stupid.  They don’t need punishments to learn that it’s impolite to tell Grandma that the dinner she spent two hours making tastes “gross.”  What they need is a parent who shows up; who shows them what it means to be respectful; who intervenes when they’re doing something that makes someone else feel sad, or scared, or uncomfortable; who interacts with them, and for them as they learn the intricacies of sharing our planet with others.  One of the biggest misconceptions that I think people have about gentle parenting is that it is the same thing as permissive parenting.  The two are actually polar opposites.  One is conscientious, and the other is neglect.  If you see a parent who is sitting back and just watching as her child does something that is disrespectful or somehow harmful to someone else… that is not a gentle parent.  That is someone who is failing to be a parent.

Show up.  Be there.  Help them navigate.

5.  Don’t sweat the small stuff (and it’s ALL small stuff).

A couple of years ago, a video went around Facebook that showed the aftermath of two unattended kids with a 5 lb bag of flour.  There was flour all down the hallway.  On the couches. On the chairs.  On the kids.  In the carpet.  In the drapes.  Flour everywhere.  All five pounds of it.  Part of me for sure felt sympathy for the mom who filmed it because I’ve been there.  And oof.  The clean-up.  But another part me said, “Eh.  Small stuff.”  If you’re going to have kids, you’re going to have messes.  Things are going to be broken and spilled and smeared and dumped and spread.  It’s all part of the experience. And the greatest thing I learned between child one and child four (besides to stop and take a picture before I do anything else, because those photos are treasured later) is that that stuff just doesn’t matter.  People matter.  Love matters.  Messes, accidents…. it’s all just “stuff.” Not worth getting upset over, and certainly not worth yelling or punishing over. And just like with anything else, with time and patience and consistency, they really do learn to keep the flour in the bag.

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6.  Know their triggers (and yours).

Stop me if this sounds familiar.  You head out bright and early with your toddler to run a long list of errands.  You know he’s going to be missing his morning nap, but he’ll catch a few minutes of sleep in the car.  He’s pretty amiable for the first few stops.  He helps pick out the apples at the grocery store.  He enjoys his lollipop from the bank teller.  He starts getting antsy at the dry cleaners, pulling at your pant legs, whining, and rubbing his eyes. Back in the car, you reach in your bag to get his little tupperware container of Cheerios, but realize you left it on the kitchen counter.  You know you should probably head home, but you decide to squeeze in just one more stop.  You’re in the drug store when he reaches meltdown mode.  He cries when you pick him up, and cries harder when you set him down.  Tired, hungry, bored, and overstimulated, he doesn’t want to walk, doesn’t want to be carried, and eventually settles for sitting on the floor as the tears fall and the screams escalate.

We’ve all got our triggers.  And we’ve all got our breaking points.  If adults get cranky and unreasonable when they’re tired and hungry (and we all know adults for whom this is the case, or we *are* an adult for whom this is the case) how much more understandable is it for a child? Taking care to ensure that basic needs are met, that kids are fed and rested and attended to can go a long way towards more peaceful outings and more pleasant interactions for all.  My kids are older now – at the time of this writing they are 18, 15, 11, and 7 – but even now I know who isn’t at their happiest in the mornings. I know who is very sensitive to the feeling of being left out.  I know who works best when their surroundings are neat and tidy.  I know who has a hard time handling even a small lack of sleep.   Being aware, and respectful of, both our own triggers and the triggers of our children allows us to treat each other with more care, and more kindness.  It is categorically unfair, not to mention incredibly unkind, to ignore someone’s personal “buttons”, and then punish them for the reaction that we knew was coming.

7.  Practice the golden rule.

A lot of parents seem want to want to demand respect from their children, just because they’re the adults, but don’t treat their children in a manner that’s particularly deserving of that respect. The age-old adage of treating others the way you’d like to be treated yourself applies not just equally, but more when it comes to your children.  They are looking to you as their example. They are learning from you how to treat people.  If you want your children to be respectful, treat them with respect.  If you want your children to be polite, be polite when you speak to them (and to each other!).  If you want your children to embody kindness and compassion and humility and generosity, show them what it looks like.

8.  Take care of YOU.

There seems to be a general push by society to get away from your kids.  From the importance of regular “date nights”, to putting them in daycare and preschool at a young age, to extended vacations without them… there’s no shortage of advice telling us to separate.  I tend to believe the opposite:  I think it’s very important that we’re with our kids as much as possible (especially when they’re young), and that true independence will happen naturally and easily when it’s allowed to happen on their time, not ours.

That doesn’t mean though that I don’t think self-care is important! On the contrary, it’s almost impossible to properly care for someone else when you’re not first taking good care of yourself. Even when you need to force yourself – or more accurately, especially when you need to force yourself – caring for your own needs (be they physical, social, emotional, spiritual, intellectual, creative….) is an integral part of parenting well.  I can’t speak for all moms, but I find it way too easy to lose myself in my kids, and go go go until I’m exhausted and cranky and burnt out.  And I learned somewhere along the way that when the kids and I get off-track, when people are out of sorts, when behavior starts getting wonky…. nine times out of ten it’s because I’ve been neglecting myself, which then caused me to be snippy and impatient and disconnected.  When I focus on taking better care of me, I’m able to then have the proper wherewithal to give my kids what they need as well.  Kids need a parent who is fully invested.  And in another cliche that’s turned out to be true:  You can’t fill your kids’ cups until you’ve filled your own.

 

[color-box] BONUS: Looking for more specific suggestions for when your child hits, or tells you “no”, or has a hard time transitioning? Download my free PDF, listing ten of the most common (and most frustrating) toddler/young child behaviors, along with specific examples of what you can say and how you can respond gently and without punishment. [/color-box]

Moving beyond punishment, and parenting with connection instead of control, takes deliberate and mindful choices, as well as an ongoing commitment and effort (at times, a lot of effort).  And the reward is not in some hypothetical promise of how my kids are going to “turn out” some day. No, the beauty of gentle parenting is in the relationship that I enjoy with my kids right now… a relationship that’s sweeter and closer and more connected than I know it would be otherwise. Having children that are kind hearted and respectful and compassionate?  That’s just a bonus.

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P.S. I am working on a month long, premium course that dives much deeper into each of the eight points above.   Make sure you’re on my mailing list if you’d like to receive a notification of its release.

*   Examples may or may not have been taken from my own life.

 

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Filed under gentle discipline, gentle parenting, mindful parenting, parenting, spanking

The Black and White of Spanking

 

Yesterday morning, I was getting a bath ready for the three-year-old.  As I was adjusting the temperature of the water, I tossed several of the countless bath toys that live in the tub over to the other end, so I could get to the plug.   Tegan came up behind me, sounding extremely concerned.  “Stop!  Stop throwing those toys!”  At first I thought she was afraid it was going to hurt them in some way.

“Oh it’s okay, they’re just foam,”  I told her.

“But you should stop throwing them!”

“Why?”

“Because Daddy says we shouldn’t throw.”    Ah, there it was.  I’m not sure what the incident she was referring to entailed, but I’m very certain that he’d asked her to stop throwing only because there was risk of damage or impalement of some sort.  We talked about throwing for a minute, but I’m not concerned.  I fully trust that as she grows and matures she’ll learn the nuances about throwing.  Throwing balls and frisbees and wadded up paper is okay.  Throwing pillows and stuffed animals is usually okay.  Throwing rocks is okay if they’re thrown in a river, but not if they’re thrown at someone’s head.   Certain places lend themselves to throwing:  playgrounds, parks, her own house.  Others, not so much:  Church, the library, a dentist’s office.  The socially accepted norms about throwing are filled with shades of grey, so a blanket statement of “we shouldn’t throw,” would be neither appropriate nor truthful.  Of course we can throw… but sometimes we shouldn’t.

Hitting, however, is not a grey area.  It’s black and white.

Hitting is wrong.  Forcefully striking another person is wrong.  Striking someone smaller and weaker than you is especially wrong.   There’s a reason that hitting someone can land you an assault charge.  Being hit is hurtful, damaging, and violating… not just to a person’s body, but to their psyche as well.   We should all be able to expect personal space and safety, as well as freedom from being harmed at someone else’s hand.

Don’t agree with me?  Ask yourself if you’ve taught your own children that they shouldn’t hit.  Ask yourself if you’d sit idly by while your child was striking a peer.  Ask yourself if you wouldn’t immediately react if your six year old were hitting a one year old.  Of course you would…. because you know hitting is wrong.

Per dictionary.com:

Hit:  (verb) To deal a blow or stroke to

Spanking is hitting.  That makes spanking wrong in and of itself, but I want to take it a step further.  Not only is spanking hitting, it is hitting someone much, much smaller and physically weaker than ourselves.   Say an average toddler is 25 pounds.  His mother is at least a good five or six times his size, his father possibly eight times.    If you’d intervene when your child were striking a smaller child (and you would), why on earth would an adult striking a child be in any way okay?   It’s not.

A child depends on his parents, more than anyone else, to keep him nurtured, safe, and protected.   How frightening and confusing it must be then, when he finds himself in trouble in some way (he’s angry or frustrated or made a mistake)  His feelings are big and scary and overwhelming, and he’s then physically hurt at his parent’s hand on top of it:  A hand that he expects to hold him, comfort him, protect him, love him.  Not hurt him.  Not only does it not help the situation, it exacerbates it.  It takes the pair further from a loving, connected relationship, and deeper into one of fear and mistrust.

If you’re reading this and thinking, “But I’m a Christian!  I’m commanded to spank!  Spanking’s biblical!”, my answer to you is no, it’s not biblical.   People use a few different justifications, but the (taken out of context) scripture most often used to propogate this misconception is this one:

“Whoever spares the rod hates his son,  but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him” Proverbs 13:24

The rod referred to in this scripture – as well as the other “rod” scriptures – is that used by shepherds of that time, which were used to guide and protect sheep, not hit them.   And honestly, if you’re going to start pulling out old testament scriptures to justify your behaviors, then I hope you don’t ever braid your hair or wear jewelry or dresses or fancy clothes, because the old testament prohibits that too.

In any case, as Christians we are no longer supposed to be living under the old law but the new one that came with Jesus, which is one of love and freedom.     I want to challenge you – seriously – to find me one scripture, any scripture, anywhere in the Bible, that even hints at the possibility that Jesus would remotely consider striking a child.   If you can bring me that scripture, we can talk… otherwise there isn’t a conversation to be had.  I don’t advocate against spanking in spite of being a Christian, I do so in part because of it… because to be a Christian is to aspire to be Christ-like.  And Christ would never, ever, hit a child.

Finally, if you are here as a former spanker, whether the last time you spanked was last year or last week or five minutes ago, please know that you are absolutely welcome here, without judgment and without reproach.   I can give you help, support and/or resources for taking another path.   I have made parenting decisions that I would now make differently, to be sure, but spanking doesn’t happen to be one of them.  So I do hope that you’ll share your story, because your testimony as someone who has walked through it is far more powerful than any that I could ever give.

And while it’s true that we can’t change the past, we can learn from it.  We can heal from it.  And we can make better choices, starting right now.

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So I Hit Him

spanking hand

The other day, my husband came home tired after a long day at work. He wasn’t feeling well, he’d had a fight with a co-worker, and he’d encountered snag after snag in a report that had to be done by the end of the day. He had yet to tell me, but he was also very concerned about upcoming budget cuts. He came inside, changed out of his work clothes, and sighed as he sank wearily into a living room chair.

I told him that he hadn’t yet fixed the drain in the kids’ bathroom sink, and that I expected him to do it as soon as possible.

“Are you serious?” he asked me. “I just got home, and – “

“I asked you to do something,” I told him firmly, “and I expect you to do it with a good attitude.”

He wordlessly shook his head. He rolled his eyes.

So I hit him.

I did it for his own good, though. He had to learn that he couldn’t be so openly disrespectful and defiant. He had to learn that he couldn’t treat me that way, and that it was unacceptable for him to talk back. I didn’t hit him in anger, and I didn’t hit him hard enough to leave a mark. I just hit him hard enough and long enough for him to open his eyes to his own sinfulness. I hit him until he apologized, got up from that chair, and headed off to complete the task that I’d given him.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

No, the above never happened. But minus the hitting, it certainly could have. We all have bad days. We all have moments when we’re less than cheery with those we love, especially when we feel like we’re not being heard. We all have moments when we want, with every fiber of our being, to tell the person who’s ordering us around – and not considering our feelings – to BACK OFF. We’re human.

Most of us wouldn’t consider striking a spouse, or a friend, or a coworker for a moment of humanness (and even if we did, we recognize that it’s not exactly LEGAL) Yet the above scenario is something that’s played out with parents and children over and over again. The above justifications for spankings are ones that I hear verbatim every time the subject comes up.

They need to learn to obey the first time!
They need to learn to be respectful!
They need to learn who’s in charge!

You may argue that it’s not fair for me to compare a grown man to a child. He should already KNOW how to treat people. A child is still learning, still immature, still figuring out the way the world works. It’s our job as parents to make. them. understand.

Wouldn’t it follow then that they should receive more compassion, and not less? That they should be treated more gently, not less? Children are people… people with big feelings and strong emotions. They are looking to their parents for reassurance, for love, and for a positive example of how to treat themselves and how to treat others.

Will spanking meet that need? Or will it do the complete opposite? At its very very best, the most it can do is send a confusing message about blind compliance with people bigger than them… and that their own thoughts, opinions, and feelings do not matter.

I want my kids to feel safe in their own house, and in their relationship with their father and I. I want them to know that they can say anything to me without fear of punishment, and that they can trust that I will give them an honest and thoughtful response. I want them to know that I will apologize freely when I’ve hurt them, and I want them to know that I will forgive freely when they’ve done the same.

As for learning to be respectful: In the above example, I could’ve started by not treating my husband like he existed to meet my every whim and demand. He doesn’t, and neither do my kids. If I’d taken a step back and really listened and watched and empathized, I would have seen that nothing more was needed than a kind “Rough day?” or “Want to talk about it?” Either response would have garnered a far more positive outcome (for both of us) than any blaming or punishing ever could. Either response would have spoken volumes to how a person should be treated, and to how a person should be respected.

I think it’s interesting that companies hold all these meetings and conferences and seminars about effective communication and positive conflict resolution. I can’t help but wonder if it would even be needed if more people practiced the concept on their own children.

Welcome to the 2nd Annual Carnival of Gentle Discipline!

This post was selected as one of the Crème de la Crème of gentle discipline blogging! Click on the image to view more Crème de la Crème posts!

 

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Why we do the things we do…

I think the strongest reactions I’ve ever gotten to something I’ve written have come from other Christians when I’ve posted about discipline, particularly spanking.  (These are a couple that come to mind…Discipline, Christian Parenting, He Who Spareth) And while there’s lots to write about what the Bible does – and does not – have to say about spanking, this time I’m going to leave it out.  Another post.  Another day.  This time I’m not going to talk about the Bible, or Jesus, or Christian parenting tenants that I may or may not agree with.  This time I’m going to call on the power of common sense, of logic, and of reason… things that cross over all boundaries, and all faiths.

I’ve always been a huge question-asker, particularly fond of the word, “Why.”  I drove my teachers (and likely others) crazy.  But my incessant “whys” have served me well, both in my own life and in patiently dealing with my children’s questions.  If you’re going to learn, you have to ask questions.

If you’re going to really learn, you have to ask hard questions.  And one thing I’ve learned is that often the most important questions aren’t the ones you ask others, but the ones you ask – and answer – yourself.   By far, the most growing I’ve done as a person has come from questioning, well, everything, about WHY.  Particularly why I think, believe, and do the things I do.

And because I’m such a questioner, it makes me…. frustrated, for lack of a better word… with people who are not.  A couple of days ago, a friend of mine posted a couple of articles and studies about spanking.  They sparked some heated comments from parents defending spanking.  Parents who, from what I could tell, had never honestly asked themselves why they spank:

I was spanked as a child and I turned out fine. This to me is one the strangest, most illogical reasons I ever hear… not just for spanking, but for all kinds of things.  Previous generations did LOTS of things that we now know better about.   Most of us were raised without car seats.  We now know that car seats save lives.  Many of us had mothers that smoked when they were pregnant.  We now know how extremely harmful that is.  This is not to condemn our own parents, or our parents’ parents, who were doing the best with the information they had at the time.  But we know better now.  Doing something because our parents did it is not good enough.  Justifying it by saying that we turned out “fine” (whatever fine means) is not good enough.  It is no different than peer pressure, than following the crowd and doing something just because everyone else is doing it.  We were given working, thinking brains for a reason.

Some kids need to be spanked.   No one deserves, or needs, to be spanked.  As a society, we recognize that when a man hits his spouse, that it is wrong… that no one deserves that, no matter what.  Period.  Children are even smaller, and even more vulnerable.  How can any logical, thinking mind reconcile hitting a child as being okay?  NO ONE deserves, or needs, to be spanked.

Spanking is the only thing that works or If I don’t spank, they’ll become out of control/unruly/criminals. I hear these a lot too.  “Sometimes you have to spank to teach them a lesson.”  Or to teach them right from wrong.  Or to keep them safe.  It’s the only way they’ll learn not to put their fingers in the light socket!  It’s the only way they’ll learn to stay out of the street!   I have four children.  Four children who are kind, honest, and know right from wrong.  Four children who keep their fingers out of outlets, and know not to run into the street.  Four children who have never been spanked.   And spanking children to hopefully thwart future unwanted behavior? This seems to be based on some kind of supposition that kids are inherently “bad,” and that they couldn’t possibly grow into loving, caring adults who know how to peacefully exist in society until and unless it is beat into them.   Again, I’m getting lost in the logic.

At their roots, all of the above reasons for spanking are based in the same thing:  fear.  They all come from fear.  Fear of breaking out of a familiar and comfortable cycle.  Fear of doing things differently than they’ve always been done.   Fear of asking yourself the hard questions, and of thinking on your own.  Fear of the unknown, and fear of taking that leap of faith.  Fear of the “what ifs”  Fear of accepting something other than the status quo.  Fear of what your parents might say, what your friends might say, what your church might say.

Is fear a good motivator for your parental decisions?

And finally, I think the reasons that I don’t hear in defense of spanking are even more telling than those I do hear.

I never hear anyone say, 
 “I spank because it feels right to me.”  
THAT’S BECAUSE IT DOESN’T.

I never hear anyone say,
“I spank because it strengthens my relationship with my child.”
THAT’S BECAUSE IT DOESN’T.

IT  DOESN’T FEEL RIGHT to hurt other people, especially people we love.  It goes against our nature to hurt the very people that we are supposed to be loving and nurturing the most.  It doesn’t feel good, and it doesn’t feel right.  We all know this.  We know this, which is why we try to instill it in our children.  Parents teach their children not to hit, not to fight, not to hurt others… because they know it’s wrong.  And then they try to reinforce this important message in their children by hitting them? 


I know, I know.  Spanking advocates argue that spanking is not hitting.  It’s not fair to call it hitting.  It’s entirely different than hitting.

To that, I say:

BULLSHIT.

Let’s be real.  Let’s call a spade a spade.  Spanking is hitting, and hitting is wrong.  We know this.  We know this.  There’s a reason that hitting another adult could earn you an assault charge.

Let’s use logic.  Let’s use reason.  Let’s use common sense.

But beyond that, let’s let the Golden Rule apply first to our family.  Let’s treat our children the way we want to be treated.  Let’s treat them in a way that strengthens our relationship, instead of tearing it down.  Let’s show them the respect that we want them to show to us.  Let’s ask ourselves the hard questions, and let’s see where we could do better.

And please, if you don’t have a good “why” for hitting your kids (and you DON’T, because there isn’t one) please.  Please.  Stop.

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Discipline

There was a “likey” going around Facebook not too long ago that said “I’d rather go to jail for spanking my kids, than have them end up in jail because I didn’t.” I very nearly blogged about it at the time, but ultimately decided that it wasn’t worth my attention. Its logic (or non-logic as the case may be) was so flawed that if it weren’t so sad it would be laughable.

There are many such things on Facebook that make me a little bit crazy, but I can usually just shake my head, chuckle, and move back to my happy place.  I’m having a harder time ignoring the newest one though, as it continues to show up in my news feed as friend after friend likes it.  It says, “Those who love their children care enough to discipline them.”

I admittedly don’t like the word discipline, because too many people use it interchangeably with “punishment.”  When they say discipline, they mean spanking (or time-outs or counting or reprimanding).  Whether or not that was its original intent, it is surely what it’s become.  A quick Google of “discipline” brings up words like train, punish, correct, control, and chastise….. none of which align in my mind with mindful, gentle parenting.  But the word discipline doesn’t bother me nearly as much as the first phrase, “Those who love their children.”  Meaning… what, exactly?  That those who don’t “discipline” don’t love their children?  That punishment equals love?  I can’t decide if they’re trying to guilt others into following suit, or if they’re the grownup equivalents of the childhood bullies;  the ones who put others down to raise themselves up.

A lot of time, energy, thought and research has gone into the way that I parent.  Parenting is a huge responsibility, one that no one should take lightly.  I could sit here and site studies and research and anecdotal evidence about why authoritarian parenting is not the answer, but I’d just as soon let my four happy (and ::gasp!:: well-behaved) children be evidence enough.  And everything that I do, every decision that I make when it comes to their care and upbringing, is because I love them.

I was not surprised to see that the site that published the “those who love their children” quote was a Christian site.   Traditionally, Christian parenting advice is filled with many of these admonitions.  You must train your children, you must teach them to submit, you must show them who’s boss.   It frustrates me beyond description.   Not only have I never found anything, biblical or otherwise, that leads me to believe that this is in fact a requirement (for lack of a better word) for a believer, but I find it to be the opposite of what Jesus would espouse.   Jesus loved children.  He wanted us to become like children.  He didn’t punish or coerce.  He didn’t use force;  didn’t shame or belittle.  He led children by example in kindness, compassion, and respect.  Wouldn’t it follow that we should do the same?

Regardless of your spiritual beliefs, when you love someone – truly love them – you care about how they’re treated.  You want them treated with dignity and respect, with caring and kindness.  I think even the most well-meaning parents can get so caught up in their “discipline” that they lose sight of the person that’s on the receiving end…  A small person with fragile feelings and a pure heart.  A person who can carry, for LIFE, the scars and humiliation that come from said discipline.

I was walking into an ice cream place last week, with all four of my kids, along with a friend and her two children.  A woman was leaving the store with her little girl, around 4 or 5 years old.  The mom was yelling, and the girl was wailing unhappily.  They were both yelling so much I couldn’t make out what was going on.  From what I could tell, the girl didn’t want to go until she told her mother whatever it was that was on her mind, and the more she resisted, the harder the mom yanked on her arm.  “But Mom!!”  “Let’s GO!”  When they got out to the sidewalk, and the crying had really escalated, the mom knelt down.  I thought very briefly that she was taking a breather, giving herself a time-out, getting down at her daughter’s level so she could talk with her.  But the new position, I soon found out, was so she’d have a better angle to rapidly spank her, three times in succession before resuming their march to the car.  The girl cried harder – understandably – and was still screaming when they left my line of sight.

I have had bad days as a parent.  I have had frustrating days as a parent.  I don’t know what kind of day that mom was having.  I don’t know what caused the outburst, by either of them.  I don’t know what the little girl did that made the mother so angry.  But I am very certain that it whatever it was, it did not deserve the pain and humiliation of a public spanking outside a restaurant.  I’m also certain that the discipline did NOT help the situation;  that neither the mom nor the daughter was better for it;  and that their relationship was harmed, and not strengthened.  My heart broke a little when I saw it, as it does every time I see a parent and child take another step further away from a loving, connected relationship.

I love my children.  Because I love them, I try with all my heart to treat them in a way that’s fitting for someone I love.  I wouldn’t discipline my sister or my best friend or my husband for making a mistake, and I extend my kids the same courtesy.

I say we stop with all the spanking and discipline Facebook groups, and start a new one:

“Those who love their children care enough to treat them the way they themselves would want to be treated.”

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He who spareth the 1/4 inch plumbing supply line…

Four years ago, a 4 year old little boy by the name of Sean Paddock died when his mother wrapped him so tightly in a blanket that he could not breathe. This month, another young child, 7 year old Lydia Schatz, died after being “disciplined” – repeatedly hit with a plumbing supply line – by her parents, until her organs had shut down. Her 11 year old sister was hospitalized in critical condition for the same reason. The common thread between the two? Both families followed Michael and Debi Pearl’s books and methods for Christian child “training”. Both were Christian families who subscribed to these barbaric teachings because they believed them to be biblical, and both will have to live with knowing that their children died at their own hands.

Supporters of the Pearls (and sadly, there are millions, based on the number of books they sell) will tell you that these cases are different, that these parents had a propensity towards violence, or took things too far, or weren’t following the teachings correctly.

And surely, these loving Christians, the Pearls, wouldn’t advocate something as heinous as beating a child with plumbing supply line? In fact not only do they specifically recommend 1/4 plumbing inch supply line, but they also tell you where to get it (easily found at Home Depot, for your convenience), and instruct you to buy it in bulk so you can keep a length of it in every room of your house, and even keep one around your neck to serve as a reminder. They advise parents to whip their children until they have “no breath left to complain.”

Michael Pearl has responded to criticism with this statement:

“We do not teach corporal punishment, nor hitting children. We teach parents how to train their children, which sometimes requires the limited and controlled application of a spanking instrument to hold the child’s attention on admonition. Over one million parents have applied these biblical principles with joyful results.”

Besides sounding like a page from a cult leader’s mission statement, Mr Pearl’s words are egregious lies. Applying any kind of spanking instrument IS HITTING! Any adult doing the same thing to another adult could, and should, be arrested for assault. And “limited and controlled?” Until a child is out of breath is limited and controlled?

“No, officer, you don’t understand. Yes, I beat him repeatedly, but it was limited and controlled.”

“Oh, well in that case, carry on.”

IT’S ALL HITTING, AND IT’S ALL WRONG. How anyone can reconcile hitting a defenseless child, in any fashion, for any reason, as being acceptable is something that I will forever fail to understand.

Possibly the most disturbing part of Mr Pearl’s statement is the final line, “Over one million parents have applied these biblical principles with joyful results” I don’t believe that any part of what the Pearls preach is biblical, and in fact I think their message is decidedly anti-Christian, as I blogged about here. A single, often misquoted, taken-out-of-context scripture about “sparing the rod” (which was used to guide and protect sheep) does not change the gentle, loving spirit of a Jesus who would never hit a child. I want to be very, very clear when I say that I love God, and I love Jesus… but that if calling someone a Christian associates this kind of parenting in your mind, please! feel free to call me something else.

And finally, as to the “joyful results.” I think Sean Paddock and Lydia Schatz would disagree, as would the millions of other children who are being shamed and hit and forced to be fearful of their own parents every day. I pray that Sean and Lydia are now experiencing the peace that they never received in life, and I pray that the Pearls will be exposed for what they are before another innocent child has to die.

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