Category Archives: television

February 5, 2015 · 9:11 AM

“I Feel Like All They Do Is Sit In Front of a Screen”

A few days ago, I got a message from a new unschooling mom She had concerns about one of the most common things that trips up new unschoolers: “screen time.” This is a portion of that message, along with my response.

About 6/7 months ago we lifted all restrictions on screen time, in the past the kids were allowed to watch up to two hours of TV and that was about all the screen time they got. Now that they are not limited I feel like all they do is sit in front of a screen. It’s not just tv (or shows) but also games and such. I guess my problem is that they seem to have lost All other interests. I keep waiting for them to tire of it all but it doesn’t seem to be happening. More often than not they don’t want to leave the house to do activities. I offer them many choices and opportunities to do other things but they just don’t seem interested. I guess more than anything it makes me feel like a shitty parent for not being able to engage my children and truthfully, I miss them!! I freaked out a bit yesterday about the whole thing and took all screens away and we had a great day! They did things I haven’t seen them do in months and they enjoyed themselves. I want to help them be able to find some sort of balance, but I just don’t know how.

A few different things really stood out to me in your question. First, you only lifted your restrictions a few months ago, and it is so very, very normal for kids to “binge” on something that was previously limited. They don’t know when/if you’re going to take it away again. And if you (to use your words) freak out and take them away for a day here and there, it’s sort of like starting the process all over again. So their intense interest may still just be trying to get the most out of it in case you take it away again. Second, even though you’re technically allowing them to use those things as much as you want, you’re still carrying a lot of “baggage”, for lack of a better word, about them doing so. You’re waiting for them to tire of it, you’re wanting them to do something else, you feel like a shitty parent. That comes through as resentment, even if it’s unintentional.

It’s great to offer different things, keep the lines of communication open, make suggestions, etc. The problem comes in when you’re emotionally invested in the other options, instead of truly meeting them wherever they are – which in this case, sounds to be pretty darn happy watching TV and playing games. 🙂 When you say that you want them to find balance, you’re referring to what *your* version of balance looks like, ie: less screens, and their personal balance might be something very different from yours. And it might not be! But they’ll have a hard time finding it when they’re getting the message that what they’re choosing to do is somehow less valuable than what mom would choose for them to do.

My advice? Make peace with the screens. Recognize the joy and learning that they’re getting from them. Find out what they’re enjoying. Enjoy it *with* them. Stay close by so they can share with you. Watch their shows with them. Play their games with them. Bring them yummy snacks. Chances are, they *will* get their fill, and start taking you up on some of your other suggestions (once they feel more confident that their TV shows/games/computer will still be there for them when they want them) But in the meantime, how much nicer will it be – for you AND for them – to appreciate where they’re at and what they’re learning and what they’re finding enjoyable, instead of stressing out about it and wishing they were doing something else with their time? Don’t feel like a bad parent! Instead, use that feeling as an impetus to connect with them where they’re at.

They will be okay. And so will you. Give it time, and lots and lots and patience.

13 Comments

Filed under Q and A, technology, television, unschooling

August 20, 2012 · 9:23 AM

Television Without Fear

Thanks to Alice for another spot-on guest post!

I was raised without cable TV. Actually, there were long stretches of my upbringing where we didn’t even own a TV, until my aunt and uncle would come to visit and bring one of their (many) old black and white TVs that wasn’t being used in their house. Then we would be able to tune in the local channels, wiggling the rabbit ear antennas around until the fuzzy lines actually resembled peoples’ faces. Sort of. To give you a little perspective, I’m 36 years old at the time of this writing. My peers grew up watching Fame, The Cosby Show, Family Ties, The Wonder Years, and Beverly Hills 90210. And probably a lot more stuff I can’t think of because, you know, we didn’t have a TV.

Our TV situation was complicated even more by my parents’ prejudice against it; we could have afforded a TV, but it was beneath them. TV? No no, we’re readers. Even when we owned those secondhand black and white sets, we weren’t actually allowed to watch anything. The standing rule in the house was No TV On School Nights. If it wasn’t a school night, I could maybe watch something but there was a whole lot I wasn’t allowed to watch. On that list were innocuous things like Golden Girls (because Blanche Devereaux had indiscriminate sex). Over and over again, I heard how TV was going to turn my brain to mush, or rot my brain, or was a waste of time, or was junk. Why didn’t I read a book or go outside? As a matter of fact, turn off that TV and do something else. Sometimes I was allowed to finish whatever I was watching, and sometimes I wasn’t. (And just for the record, my parents were and are excellent parents. This post is not meant to malign or judge them.) Their rationale – that TV was junk – was the same thing I hear all the time from parents today, and at its core is fear. Fear that kids will somehow be damaged from TV; grow up too fast, become violent, materialistic, zombified, lazy, not smart. And when you view TV as the harbinger of all of that, of course you want your kids to spend little to no time watching it.

When a kid values something – anything at all, whether it be TV, sports, books, or Barbies – and their parents repeatedly tell them the thing they value is junk, it creates feelings of guilt and shame. I’m not speaking in hypotheticals here, or repeating something I read in a study.

I’m telling you that I found value in watching TV for many reasons, and was told my entire childhood that TV viewing was not worthwhile, and that created feelings of guilt and shame that lasted into adulthood.

It took until my oldest was 5 for me to find and fully embrace radical unschooling. There are no restrictions on TV viewing (or screen time of any kind) in our house. My kids are free to watch as much or as little TV as they want, and can watch any shows they are interested in. The only limits have to do with the fact that we are a large family with two TVs – it’s a rare occurrence for that to be a problem, and it is generally easily resolved. But what does it really mean to have no rules about TV viewing? What does the reality of that look like on a daily basis in my house? What if my kids want to watch TV all day? And what do I do if the kids want to watch something I think is inappropriate? And what about the materialism promoted in commercials?

When I say there are no limits to TV viewing in our house, I really mean just that. And it applies to computers and video games as well. My kids (8, 6, and 3 year old boys, and 1 year old twin girls) can choose to use or not use electronics in the same way they can choose to read, ride bikes, dig in dirt, build with legos, or anything else they think of. There is a stigma attached to using electronic devices that doesn’t seem to be applied to anything else, and it’s that stigma, and the associated fear that accompanies it, that motivates parents to place arbitrary limits on their use. When you view the world through that veil of fear, there’s so much to be afraid of. I don’t discourage my kids from talking to people they don’t know; the majority of strangers are nice people, and I’m right there with my kids should things seem to be heading in a strange direction. We talk to them about internet safety, but not to the point that they’re paralyzed with the fear of online predators. We talk to them about the kinds of images that you wish you could unsee, but can’t, and why that could be harmful; but not because we want them to be scared of the world around them. I don’t fear that my kids will become lazy, or unhealthy, or less intelligent because I’m right here with them, seeing for myself that they have a variety of interests that extend beyond screen time. Fear does not enter into our decision-making process for our family, and when you remove the element of fear, the need for arbitrary limits disappears.

I can already hear it coming: “If I let my kids have unlimited screen time, they wouldn’t do anything else all day.” Well, yeah. If you limit your kids’ screen time, and then all of a sudden one day you don’t, then of course they’re going to get as much screen time in as they possibly can. History has shown them that limits will most likely be in place again soon, and they’re going to take advantage of the reprieve. I know I would. When we stopped limiting our kids’ screen time, it did take a while for them to believe the limits weren’t coming back. And now? Some days, they’re on the TV and/or computer all day long. Some days, they don’t go anywhere near either screen. And that’s really what it looks like in a house with no limits. Screen time becomes just one more option in a whole world full of options. It’s not better or worse than anything else.

My kids can choose to watch anything they can find. That statement tends to shock people. But here’s what it doesn’t mean: it doesn’t mean that I leave them in a room alone with a stack of R rated movies riddled with violence and sex and encourage my kids to watch them. I know what my kids like to watch, and I know what would scare them, or bore them, or bother them for some reason they maybe can’t articulate. I’ve explained what the different ratings on movies and TV shows mean, and they frequently check them on new shows – not because they might get in trouble for watching them, but because it might be something they wouldn’t like. And if they’re not sure, they ask. The most important thing I can do is be there. I’m there to explain what a show might contain, or to read a description of it, or to suggest something they might like better. If they want to watch a show, but I think it might be scary or confusing, I make sure I watch it with them so we can turn it off if they want, or so we can pause it for me to explain something they have a question about. They have no interest whatsoever in shows with adult themes of love and sex, and I can’t imagine them tolerating even a few minutes of it. But at some point they probably will, and rather than forbid them to watch it I intend to watch it with them so we can talk about it together. (And I’m not talking about porn here, people. Work with me.) Let’s say, for instance, we happen to be watching Golden Girls and good old Blanche gets friendly with a gentleman caller. Perfect opportunity to discuss a whole variety of things with my kids! Just be there, and be willing to talk.

As for violence, I would argue that movies marketed to kids are way, way more disturbing than a lot of PG-13 movies. In one 5 minute stretch of The Lion King (which we watch a lot of around here), Simba’s uncle commits treason, then murder, then usurps the throne, and tries to have Simba killed. Right up until that point, everything had been love and roses. Pretty much every kids’ movie follows a similar formula. Everyone’s happy until some horrible tragedy, which the main character must then overcome. Whereas in a movie like Spiderman, everything is laid out a little more clearly. There are good guys, and bad guys; there’s a battle, then the good guys win. The end. Seeing violence in a movie does not encourage my kids to be violent. My kids are kind, sweet, gentle and friendly. They are peaceful because we as their parents are peaceful. My husband and I were watching The Hunger Games recently, and my 6 year old came into the room and asked what it was about. We paused the movie and explained the concept, and he said he wanted to watch a little. He watched a few minutes of it and was interested in the bow and arrows carried by the main character, and then he got bored and wandered out again. If he had decided to stay and watch, I would have spent more time watching him than the movie, to see how he was handling it and if we needed to stop watching. It’s really just that simple. We were there, and we were willing to talk.

Commercials and marketing and materialism aren’t an issue for us, mostly because – in an ironic twist – we don’t have cable. What we do have is an xbox, internet, a Netflix subscription and a Hulu subscription. We stream everything we watch through the xbox to our TV. Netflix has no commercials and Hulu (which the kids rarely watch) has about two 30 second commercials in a 25 minute show. But when we go on trips and stay in hotels, the kids see commercials. I’m not concerned that they’re being brainwashed into wanting things. If anything, my kids are totally annoyed by the commercials and talk wistfully about getting back home to “good TV.” I get really excited when I talk about how little we pay to watch TV (in fact I once received a call from a cable company who wanted me to pay for cable, and I’m pretty sure I convinced the salesperson to get rid of hers), but my point here is that while marketers do want to convince people to buy things, I just don’t feel it’s a major concern for us. We rarely see commercials, but the bottom line is that we are more influential in our kids’ lives than marketers. We are not materialistic, we don’t constantly shop for the latest and greatest things, and we talk to our kids about money and budgeting and consumerism. We talk to our kids.

Not too long ago, I wouldn’t have been able to say this without feeling guilty, but I love television. I love it. It brings the whole world into our home. I love watching shows that make me laugh, or cry, or think. I love watching shows with my kids, and seeing the things that bring them joy, or peak their interest. I love learning new things with them. I love the conversations we have that start from something we saw in a show. I love being able to show them countries that we will most likely never visit, or give them a televised preview of countries we hopefully will get to someday. I love that when they feel like lying on the couch all day and watching TV, they have the freedom to do that with no strings attached. I love that TV is just one more choice available for them in a whole world full of choices.

At this phase in my life with so many small children, I rarely have time to watch TV on my own. But someday, in what will feel like the blink of an eye although it will really have been years, my small children will be bigger. I’ll find myself with some free time, and maybe I’ll choose to read a book, or go outside. Or maybe I’ll choose to sit down on the couch and watch TV all day, without guilt or shame.

Alice Davis is an Army wife, mother of five, and probably the last person on earth who doesn’t have a blog. She loves to talk about unschooling, attachment parenting, and mothering multiples. In her copious amounts of free time, she sells custom baby hats, tutus, and embroidery in her etsy shop www.AlicesHandmadeCrafts.etsy.com.

(photo by videocrab)

9 Comments

Filed under fears, guest posts, misconceptions, television, trust, unschooling

April 16, 2012 · 8:56 AM

Unlimited Screen Time?

Almost two weeks ago, Paxton (11 at the time of this writing) jumped up playing basketball, took a bad landing, and ended up severely spraining his ankle. For the past 13 days he’s been on the couch and I’ve been playing nurse. Injury not withstanding, I’ve really enjoyed this extra time I’ve suddenly gotten with him. We’ve watched countless movies together – everything from Bruce Almighty to Lord of the Rings to a documentary about the Titanic. We’ve watched plenty of TV together too, including a several-episode-long marathon of Criss Angel’s magic. The TV and movies were fun while they lasted, but he eventually asked me to bring him a laptop. We then watched videos on YouTube, shared and compared our various wanderings on our respective computers, and had discussion after discussion about all of the above. He has since moved on to teaching himself card tricks, and he has spent the past 48 hours practicing and perfecting his skills.

In our house, we don’t limit or otherwise try to control television, movies, computers, or other types of “screen time”…. even when no one is injured. All of that technology is simply another tool we’re all free to use, or not use, as we see fit. Sometimes our house is humming with televisions, computers, and video games… and sometimes the only humming comes from the kids. Yesterday (on a rare Sunday at home) no one so much as glanced at a TV until evening came.

When I first became a parent, screen time made me all kinds of uneasy. I wanted my kids (well, my one kid at the time) to read a book, or do a puzzle, or play outside, or use his imagination… not sit in front of a screen. I was self-righteous in my resolve, telling anyone who asked that we didn’t do much TV… that in our house we focused on learning activities. And how much could he possibly learn from a SCREEN?

Well. As it turns out, a lot. As I gradually let go and lifted my limits, I realized that those things I had feared not only didn’t hamper Spencer’s learning, but added to it immensely! We still read books. We still did puzzles. We still played outside. He still used his imagination. But we’d also opened up a whole new world to enjoy together, one that we still appreciate and share… without limits and without conditions. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

One of the most common questions or objections I get from unschoolers new to the idea of unlimited screen time is that whenever they’ve tried, it’s made their kids unruly or agitated… or as this one reader states, it has just been a “disaster”:

I love the idea of unlimited screen time, but every time I go with it disasters happen. The kids (5 and 3) start bouncing around on the couch, biting each other, kicking, etc. It is worst when they have been watching movies all day so I can’t help but associate it with the screen time.

So why the disaster? Why, if it works so well for us (and for lots of other families) do so many people try it only to pronounce it a failure? Here are a few things that could be happening, in no particular order:

1. They’re bored. They’re watching TV or playing a video game not because they particularly want to, but because no better alternative has been presented or offered. They’re feeling pent-up or frustrated, so it comes out in their behavior. It would come out in my behavior too. Maybe they’d rather be outside, or baking cookies, or drawing a picture, or just hanging out with mom. When that’s the case, it’s not the fault of the screen. It’s simply a matter of being involved, maybe doing a little detective work, offering suggestions, and offering yourself.

2. They’re hungry. Or tired. Or in need of a break. Again, not the fault of the screen. A lot of times, kids (and adults for that matter) will get really engrossed in something and not listen to their bodies. They miss cues of hunger or fatigue until they’re to the point of grumpy. Ideally, as parents we should step in before that happens.

3. Parents are coming into it with preconceived ideas about how it will affect their kids. In other words, they’re expecting their children to behave in a negative way. In the same way that many parents who think, “Oh if he has those cookies now, he’ll be bouncing off the walls all night” will then observe said bouncing off the walls, and feel validated for being right… even if the behavior was completely unrelated. Even if the perceived “hyper” behavior wasn’t so unreasonable after all. We tend to see what we want to see.

4. The child/children have just gotten really engrossed in what they’re watching or playing, to the point of wanting to shut out what’s going on around them, and being frustrated by distractions and interruptions. I know a lot of people think of things like TV watching as passive activities. You just sit and stare and become a zombie. I have never found that to be case. For me (and for my kids who choose to watch TV) I think it’s often the opposite. I get very involved. Certain shows and movies make me come alive. I fall in love with the stories,with the dialogue, with the writing, with the timing. And just as with any other activity that I’m really immersed in…. whether it’s watching a movie, or reading, or writing, or creating something… when I’m interrupted or have to stop, I feel frustrated. And while as an adult I can generally ~~sometimes~~ handle that frustration and transition without making too much of a fuss about it, it’s twenty times harder for a child.

5. Maybe it really does affect your child differently than mine. (There’s my little disclaimer: I don’t pretend to know the inner workings of someone else’s child or family) If that’s the case, I strongly believe that there’s still a way to come to a peaceful and respectful solution that takes everyone’s needs and wishes into account, without being controlling and falling the way of using screen time as a punishment or reward.

Our lives are richer because of technology to be sure :: said as she types on her laptop with high speed internet while simultaneously watching a sci-fi movie with the 11 and 7 year olds :: At the same time, because it’s treated as no more or less important or valuable as any of the other tools at our disposal, the kids can all take it or leave it.

Right now, they’re leaving it. The movie got too confusing, and there are important card tricks to be done.

________________________________________________________________________

You might also want to read No thank you, we’ll stay plugged; and Blame the Video Games

25 Comments

Filed under learning, life, technology, television, unschooling, video games

August 24, 2011 · 10:19 AM

No thank you, we’ll stay plugged…

(source)

Addiction – noun – the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma. (From dictionary.com)

The CBS show, The Doctors says: “Studies show that one in 10 kids is seriously addicted to videogames and media, and those who watch more than four hours of TV per day are at greater risk of heart disease as they grow older.”

I heard this on their show yesterday (it’s also printed on the synopsis on their website) and aside from an initial feeling of annoyance that television is being vilified again… you know what? Not annoyance. Boredom. I’m bored from repeatedly hearing about this kind of study, and frustrated that they don’t have something more worthwhile to share with us. Aside from that, what immediately comes to mind is questions. Lots and lots of questions. Exactly what kind of “studies” did they do? Over what period of time? And on whom? Are these all school children who spend most of their day behind desks before they come home and play videogames or watch TV? Did they include homeschooled kids? Are they otherwise active? Do they have other hobbies? What is their diet like? What is their relationship with their family like? How are they defining “addicted?”

Quite simply, there’s not nearly enough information there for me to take it seriously. But what’s really disheartening to me- about this as well as similar anti-media messages – is that it is based in fear. So much of what we hear about television, video games, and media in general is so very steeped in fear. They are evil. They rot your brain. They make you violent. They make you hyper. They make you lazy. They cause blood clots and heart disease and obesity. Not long ago, I left an unschooling group after being told that because I did not limit screen time, I was “encouraging slothfulness, which is the worst kind of sin.” Fear.

I never want to make any decision for my children based on fear. I never want to place limits on tools and resources (yes – televisions, computers, and video games are resources) that are as valuable as any other, simply because of some vague – albeit widely held – misconceptions about how ‘bad’ they are.

I don’t need to know about facts, figures and studies to be able to learn from what I see and experience in my own home. In my house, my kids are as free to use the computer, play video games, or watch television as they are to do anything else. And the truth is, they are not intelligent and creative in spite of it; they are intelligent and creative in part because of it. Computer skills in general are an invaluable, and in most cases necessary, facet of our adult lives. We use computers for everything from gathering information to communicating with others to paying our mortgage. Video games are great for practicing cooperative play, critical thinking, math, science, and problem solving.

And television? I could write an entire series of posts about what we’ve learned from television, and still barely scratch the surface. Television brings an entire world into our living room. We don’t have the means to travel to obscure and beautiful countries… but we can watch Bear Grylls do it. We don’t have the experience or the facilities to scientifically test the validity of widely-held myths… but we can watch the Mythbusters do it. It can show us how to cook, take us inside an operating room, and let us feel like we’re a part of a police investigation. Or a commercial fishing trip. Or a journey to the bottom of the ocean. As for those ‘other’ shows… the sitcoms, the dramas, the next top model bachelorette housewife idols of America… The great thing about modern day television, and the advent of DVRs, is that we get to choose what we do and do not want to watch. And aside from entertaining us and making us laugh (which, if you ask me, is no small thing in and of itself), even shows like this are often a catalyst for great conversations with the kids: about people, about life, about the difference between reality and scripted television. Learning is truly everywhere. Television is not an exception.

One of the reasons that a lot of people give for not allowing television is that they want their kids to use their imaginations; they want them to be more focused on creative play. But the two are not mutually exclusive! By all accounts, my kids are some of the most creative kids I know. My 3 year old can (and does) spend an entire afternoon playing with a leaf, or a baby doll, or her play kitchen. My 7 year old has never met a science experiment or a magic trick that he did not like. My 11 year old just took it upon himself to start fashioning swords out of pvc pipe and foam. My 14 year old likes to take apart and rebuild nerf guns and lawn mowers and engines just for fun. These aren’t mindless zombies who are slaves to electronics… but smart, well-rounded kids who recognize media for what it is: no more or less than a really cool and useful tool; one that we’re lucky to have.

Could we live an unplugged life? Sure. We do it every time we go camping (and it should be noted, not one of us suffers “severe trauma” because of our cessation) We could live without electronic media. We could live without books too. And music. And poetry. And running water. But just because we can, doesn’t mean it’s somehow preferable.

We live in a world that allows us to surround ourselves with all kinds of things from which to learn: from people and places and experiences, to books and art and music, to computers and video games and televisions. It wouldn’t make sense to me, living in 2011, not to avail ourselves … to learn from, to grow from – and to enjoy – all of the above.

13 Comments

Filed under technology, television, unschooling

January 29, 2010 · 2:21 PM

It must have been a really good episode

I came into the living room a little while ago to find all four kids squished in front of the TV. I don’t know why they were sitting so close – and no one really had an answer – but it made me laugh.

And this was dinner last night. It just looked so pretty in the bowl that I had to take a picture. Yay, food!

Television and Other Evils

No, I don’t think television is evil. I was going to save that for later in the blog, but there it is. I’m actually quite fond of television.

Every so often on my parenting message board, there is a discussion about TV. I am invariably the odd man out, the weird one who doesn’t have any TV-viewing rules. The popular opinion – by far – is that TV should be restricted, doled out as a reward, or withheld as punishment. It should be shunned in favor of more “educational” activities, or it should be avoided altogether. Television is bad, television sucks up our kids and replaces them with zombies, television destroys brain cells. The word “evil” is inevitably mentioned.

Here’s the thing with TV: We do watch it, and we enjoy it. TV inspires us, entertains us, and amuses us. We learn from it. It brings interesting people, places, and information right into our living room. It is the catalyst for countless discussions, and the jumping off point for lots of imaginative play. Earlier this week a half hour show sparked an entire afternoon’s worth of ice shields and special powers. But… it’s just TV. It’s just another activity, or resource, that my kids could take or leave anytime of their own volition. They are as free to watch TV as they are to play outside, read a book, bake cookies, play video games or use the computer (two other “evils”) do a science experiment, and the list goes on. I place no more or less value on TV as I do anything else. Last night after dinner, Everett and Paxton helped me bake cookies, and Spencer and Mike watched Food Detectives. Was one more valuable than the other? Ironically, I think the people who are so ardently anti-TV make it far more important than it needs to be – either so evil and corrupting that it must be avoided, or so special and rare that it can only be used as a reward or a punishment… both of which I believe set up some unhealthy associations. It’s just TV! Would it be a bad idea to watch TV all day, every day, for days and days on end? Probably. I also believe it would be a bad idea to read all day, every day, for days and days on end. (This coming from a person who adores reading and is currently in the middle of no less than half a dozen books) Life should be about variety, among other things, and kids who are free to choose naturally seek out that variety.

I have trust.

Some people homechool because they want to avoid certain aspects of public school. In a sense, they want to make their childrens’ worlds smaller. I homeschool in part because I want to make my childrens’ worlds bigger. I want them to have access to as much as possible, and I want them to recognize that learning is, indeed, everywhere. Could we live without TV? Could we homeschool without TV? Of course! But I can’t understand, when it’s something we’re privileged enough to have access to, why I would limit an entire resource of fun, enjoyment, and yes, learning, just because I can.