Category Archives: unschooling
Unschooling: My moment of doubt
The room was nearly silent. The awkwardness was palpable. Even the speech therapist … bubbly, outgoing and friendly until just a few weeks prior, absolutely refused to look us in the eye, instead staring down at some imaginary spot on the table. I remember looking at the clock – a standard issue, one-in-every-room school clock – and watching the second hand slowly sweep around until I heard the audible click that signified that another excruciatingly long minute had gone by.
Hop on over to Christian Unschooling to continue reading.
Filed under apraxia, unschooling
Unlimited Screen Time?
Almost two weeks ago, Paxton (11 at the time of this writing) jumped up playing basketball, took a bad landing, and ended up severely spraining his ankle. For the past 13 days he’s been on the couch and I’ve been playing nurse. Injury not withstanding, I’ve really enjoyed this extra time I’ve suddenly gotten with him. We’ve watched countless movies together – everything from Bruce Almighty to Lord of the Rings to a documentary about the Titanic. We’ve watched plenty of TV together too, including a several-episode-long marathon of Criss Angel’s magic. The TV and movies were fun while they lasted, but he eventually asked me to bring him a laptop. We then watched videos on YouTube, shared and compared our various wanderings on our respective computers, and had discussion after discussion about all of the above. He has since moved on to teaching himself card tricks, and he has spent the past 48 hours practicing and perfecting his skills.
In our house, we don’t limit or otherwise try to control television, movies, computers, or other types of “screen time”…. even when no one is injured. All of that technology is simply another tool we’re all free to use, or not use, as we see fit. Sometimes our house is humming with televisions, computers, and video games… and sometimes the only humming comes from the kids. Yesterday (on a rare Sunday at home) no one so much as glanced at a TV until evening came.
When I first became a parent, screen time made me all kinds of uneasy. I wanted my kids (well, my one kid at the time) to read a book, or do a puzzle, or play outside, or use his imagination… not sit in front of a screen. I was self-righteous in my resolve, telling anyone who asked that we didn’t do much TV… that in our house we focused on learning activities. And how much could he possibly learn from a SCREEN?
Well. As it turns out, a lot. As I gradually let go and lifted my limits, I realized that those things I had feared not only didn’t hamper Spencer’s learning, but added to it immensely! We still read books. We still did puzzles. We still played outside. He still used his imagination. But we’d also opened up a whole new world to enjoy together, one that we still appreciate and share… without limits and without conditions. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
One of the most common questions or objections I get from unschoolers new to the idea of unlimited screen time is that whenever they’ve tried, it’s made their kids unruly or agitated… or as this one reader states, it has just been a “disaster”:
I love the idea of unlimited screen time, but every time I go with it disasters happen. The kids (5 and 3) start bouncing around on the couch, biting each other, kicking, etc. It is worst when they have been watching movies all day so I can’t help but associate it with the screen time.
So why the disaster? Why, if it works so well for us (and for lots of other families) do so many people try it only to pronounce it a failure? Here are a few things that could be happening, in no particular order:
1. They’re bored. They’re watching TV or playing a video game not because they particularly want to, but because no better alternative has been presented or offered. They’re feeling pent-up or frustrated, so it comes out in their behavior. It would come out in my behavior too. Maybe they’d rather be outside, or baking cookies, or drawing a picture, or just hanging out with mom. When that’s the case, it’s not the fault of the screen. It’s simply a matter of being involved, maybe doing a little detective work, offering suggestions, and offering yourself.
2. They’re hungry. Or tired. Or in need of a break. Again, not the fault of the screen. A lot of times, kids (and adults for that matter) will get really engrossed in something and not listen to their bodies. They miss cues of hunger or fatigue until they’re to the point of grumpy. Ideally, as parents we should step in before that happens.
3. Parents are coming into it with preconceived ideas about how it will affect their kids. In other words, they’re expecting their children to behave in a negative way. In the same way that many parents who think, “Oh if he has those cookies now, he’ll be bouncing off the walls all night” will then observe said bouncing off the walls, and feel validated for being right… even if the behavior was completely unrelated. Even if the perceived “hyper” behavior wasn’t so unreasonable after all. We tend to see what we want to see.
4. The child/children have just gotten really engrossed in what they’re watching or playing, to the point of wanting to shut out what’s going on around them, and being frustrated by distractions and interruptions. I know a lot of people think of things like TV watching as passive activities. You just sit and stare and become a zombie. I have never found that to be case. For me (and for my kids who choose to watch TV) I think it’s often the opposite. I get very involved. Certain shows and movies make me come alive. I fall in love with the stories,with the dialogue, with the writing, with the timing. And just as with any other activity that I’m really immersed in…. whether it’s watching a movie, or reading, or writing, or creating something… when I’m interrupted or have to stop, I feel frustrated. And while as an adult I can generally sometimes handle that frustration and transition without making too much of a fuss about it, it’s twenty times harder for a child.
5. Maybe it really does affect your child differently than mine. (There’s my little disclaimer: I don’t pretend to know the inner workings of someone else’s child or family) If that’s the case, I strongly believe that there’s still a way to come to a peaceful and respectful solution that takes everyone’s needs and wishes into account, without being controlling and falling the way of using screen time as a punishment or reward.
Our lives are richer because of technology to be sure :: said as she types on her laptop with high speed internet while simultaneously watching a sci-fi movie with the 11 and 7 year olds :: At the same time, because it’s treated as no more or less important or valuable as any of the other tools at our disposal, the kids can all take it or leave it.
Right now, they’re leaving it. The movie got too confusing, and there are important card tricks to be done.
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You might also want to read No thank you, we’ll stay plugged; and Blame the Video Games
Filed under learning, life, technology, television, unschooling, video games
A Day in the Life: Going With the Flow
“Can you describe a typical unschooling day for me?”
The question is almost always filled with both curiosity and sincerity. It’s one of the first things those new to the concept of unschooling want to know.
What do you mean when you say, “unschooling?”
What does it look like in your house?
What’s a typical day like?
Or the slightly more straightforward: “What exactly do you do all day?”
The answer – to all of the above – is it depends…………
(Hop on over to Christian Unschooling to keep reading.)
Filed under christian unschooling, unschooling
Just Like Riding a Bike
When Spencer learned to ride a bike without training wheels, he did so over a period of several months. He never fell. He inched, slowly, slowly, gaining a little more confidence every day. He scootched on his feet until he was balanced enough to put one foot on pedal, then two. He inched some more. Until one day, he was able to confidently put both feet on the pedals, and pedaled away smoothly and easily like he had been doing it his whole life. ‘
When Paxton learned, he learned in one day. He fell many times. He was scraped and bruised and frustrated, and about ready to throw his bike across the street. He kept getting back on. Again and again, he tried, fell, got back up. Each time he got a little bit further. And by the end of the day his perseverance had also paid off, and he too was riding like he’d been doing it his whole life.
Everett was somewhere between his two brothers. He reached a point where he didn’t want to ride with training wheels anymore, but at first just wasn’t that interested in riding on two wheels. He would try here and there, sometimes asking for help and sometimes not. Sometimes he’d fall, and sometimes he wouldn’t get to that point. Sometimes he’d go long stretches without wanting to ride a bike at all. Earlier this year he said, “One of my goals for this year is to learn to ride my bike.” I told him I thought that was wonderful. He never mentioned it again though, until yesterday. He walked into the room, helmet in hand, and said, “I’m going to go out and practice on my bike.” He took a couple tries on his own, had me hold on to the back of his bike for awhile, then wanted to try on his own again.
Then I took this:
He stayed out another hour after that, by the end of which – yup – he was riding up and down the street (on and off the curb and everything) like he’d been doing it his whole life.
Three kids. Three styles. Three bike riders.
That’s unschooling.
Filed under Everett, learning, life, unschooling
Unschooling: Don’t You Worry That They’ll Miss Something?
I recently received the following question on my Facebook page. Because this line of questioning (essentially an expression of fear) is one of the most common types of questions I hear, I decided to bring it to my blog.
We recently started trying to unschooling our kids, when I am not in panic mode and I was wondering if you ever worry about them missing something? Our oldest son is reading A Peoples History but only wishes to read a chapter a day and then proceeds to play video games or heads outside to explore. Our youngest is 10 knows his multiplication tables and how to do basic math but when I hand him his worksheet he informs me he knows how to do this without a calculator so why can’t he use a calculator now, after all his Papa is a tax man and he uses one all the time. I am afraid that they are not motivated enough to school this way. Do you ever worry about this?
There’s definitely a lot to be unpacked from these words, but I want to say first that it sounds like to me like the asker is still in her own self-described “panic mode” and not yet unschooling (and that’s okay!) There is a period of deschooling to be done if one wants to transition to unschooling, as well as a vast amount of trust in both your children and the learning process. If you’re still handing out worksheets and equating learning with written math problems and history books, unschooling isn’t going to work very well for you. If unschooling is the eventual goal, it requires a total shift in thinking, and a certain amount of letting go. Panic can be a good thing if it’s the impetus for doing the research, knowing your options, and asking the right questions… but educational decisions made out of panic are not fair to you or your child, and don’t help anyone get closer to unschooling.
As for the question, do I ever worry about my kids missing something?
No, I don’t. For the simple reason that they WILL miss something. Traditionally homeschooled kids will miss something too. So will public schooled kids. So will those who attend private school. We all miss something. Why? Because there’s no one certain set of facts or skills that guarantees that a person has learned what he needs to know in order to go out and be successful in the world. If there was, we’d all stop learning as soon as we finished school. There’d be no compelling reason to learn anything new. The fact is, no one (not a parent, not a teacher, not a curriculum writer) knows what another person is going to need to know for his or her own path in life. None of us know. 80% of the most in-demand jobs of 2011 did not exist ten years ago. Didn’t exist! The people who are going out and getting these jobs are not the ones who learned everything they needed to know in school, but the ones who were not afraid to admit that they needed and wanted to learn something new. The ones who were eager and confident, the ones who enjoyed learning, enjoyed trying new things, and enjoyed being challenged.
When it comes to my children’s education, my goal is not to impart a certain set of knowledge. It would be an exercise in futility anyway, as they are the only ones in control of whether or not they learn something (Think of your own school experience, and of the required classes and tests you took, the ones whose answers you forgot immediately upon graduation – if you retained them even that long) As John Holt says, “True learning – learning that is permanent and useful, that leads to intelligent action and further learning — can arise only out of the experience, interest, and concerns of the learner.”
No, what I want for my kids is for them to love life and love learning. I want them to be able and confident learners, people who don’t look at learning as a chore, but as a joy. People who recognize that learning is a life-long process, and a highly personal process, something that is going to look different for each and every individual in the world. I don’t want them to fear learning, but rather to embrace it…. so that when they have a need or a desire to learn something new they can do so easily and naturally, in a time and a place and a fashion that makes sense for them and for their lives.
None of us is ever done learning. There is always more to learn. So in that sense, we’ve all “missed” something. And if we nurture and embrace and support our kids’ natural curiosity and love of learning, anything that they’ve missed can, and will, be learned with ease if and when they need it.
Filed under unschooling
My Unsocialized Kids
A couple of weeks ago, someone wrote on an online forum that she liked the idea of homeschooling, but that she would never do it. Why? She couldn’t handle the possibility of her children becoming “social misfits.” Because, you know, kids need to go to school to get properly socialized. I have wanted to write a response to that woman for the past two weeks, but I haven’t had time… largely because my kids’ social calendar has kept me too darn busy.
I haven’t sat down since last Tuesday.
Like most homeschoolers, I am in turns annoyed, amused, and just plain bored with the socialization question. But for reasons that I will forever fail to understand, this “social misfit” myth is irritatingly persistent. So for that woman on the forum, and everyone else who shares her concerns, allow me this window into the lives of my four unsocialized homeschoolers for the past five days:
Wednesday was basketball practice for Everett (age 7). He plays for a town league at the community center with a group of maybe 10 or 12 other 7 and 8 year olds. Tegan (age 4) comes and watches with me while he practices. Sometimes the bigger boys come to hang out, and sometimes they stay home… where they’ll play Minecraft and chat with friends from as far away as Japan.
On Thursdays, Tegan has gymnastics. This is her second session, and she looks forward to it all week. The boys usually like coming to that too, because they can hang out in the game room and play ping pong.. either with themselves, or with the other kids who are always around. A lot of times, I won’t see them for the entire hour-long class. They manage to go to the front desk to ask to borrow the paddles and ball, and otherwise interact with the people around them, despite their lack of socialization.
Fridays are park days. We have belonged to a really lovely homeschool group since last fall, a rather long time for me us. This week, Everett was so excited to get there that he begged me to drop him off before I’d even parked the car. He jumped out and ran over to join to the kickball game, a weekly tradition that welcomes and involves kids from anywhere 6 to 16. Spencer (14) and Paxton (11) ended up over there too, while Tegan and I went to play on the playground. She quickly made a little friend, and eventually told me, “You can go over with the other moms and watch me from over there, Mommy.” The boys finished playing kickball, and graduated to swinging on the swings, playing touch football, and just chatting and hanging out with their friends, and their friends’ moms. We stayed at the park until 4:00, when we had to leave to get Paxton to his basketball practice.
Yesterday, we were back at the same park for Everett’s Cub Scout Space Derby. We got there at 11:00 in the morning, and spent the next couple of hours watching and rooting for Everett and the rest of his den while they competed to see who had the fastest rocket ship. The highlight for Everett (besides winding up with first place and Best in Show): Getting to race against his best friend for the top spot.
After the derby was over, it was a basketball game for Paxton, out to dinner with friends, and back to the park once again for skits and the award ceremony.
This morning, the boys all wanted to go to church with their friends… so they did, each to their own classes, while Mike and I stayed home to take care of some things around the house. When they got back, our friends came over to 1) help Mike with a project on the car and 2) visit. The kids – our kids and theirs – all immediately dispersed into the backyard and various rooms to hang out and play, but not before Spencer thrust a flier (for a teens’ barbeque and volleyball game) in front of me, and said “I want to go to this.” And so he will.
Tomorrow is Monday, and Everett’s den meeting… and it starts all over again.
So are they social misfits? Or just normal, happy, well-adjusted kids who like to stay busy, try new things, and hang out with their friends? I guess it’s a judgment call. I will say though, that when I go to bed at night, in those final moments before I fall asleep, when the events of the day run through my head, and I ponder what’s working and what I need to do differently….. I don’t ever, EVER think to myself:
Damn, I really need to get these kids some socialization.
Filed under basketball, Cub Scouts, homeschooling, life, socialization, unschooling
Unschooling, Christianity, and Other Misconceptions
I don’t pay too much attention to anti-unschooling articles. For one thing, unschoolers make up a small percentage of homeschoolers, which are already just a tiny (but growing) fraction of the general population. It’s not for everyone. It’s not for most people. I get that. It’s also difficult for a lot of people to understand, and people tend to fear or mock what they don’t understand.
I’m happy with my decision to unschool. I’m confident in my decision to unschool. I don’t read a lot of negatively slanted unschooling pieces because I don’t want to give it my energy…. energy that could be much better spent making my life – and that of my kids – full and fun and interesting and happy.
Every now and then though, one slides under my radar. One that’s so full of both its own self-importance and myriads of misconceptions that it nearly begs me to ignore it. I wrestle with indecision. “I really shouldn’t. I shouldn’t. Oh… but I’m gonna.”
I don’t like it when people who don’t understand unschooling try to tell others why they shouldn’t unschool. And I really don’t like it when people who don’t understand unschooling specifically tell Christians that they shouldn’t unschool. Understand it FIRST, and then write about it.
I could sit here and talk to some experts and write an article about, say, the wrong way to reconcile a 941. Don’t know what that is? Oh don’t worry. I’ll explain it to you, in broad strokes and with sweeping generalizations. But until I understand it (beyond the fact that it has something to do with quarterly taxes) I will be first one to tell you that I’m not in a position to be advising on its procedure. I will send you right to my husband who will tell you everything you need to know, without disparaging anyone in the process.
And so it is with unschooling. It’s one thing to say, “You know what? I’ve done the research, and unschooling isn’t for me. This is why.” It’s another thing entirely to warn of unschooling’s dangers when you haven’t yet grasped what unschooling means.
This article, written by Grace Howard, starts out by telling us how us Christian parents should be “concerned” by unschooling. (Emphasis is mine)
But unschooling’s philosophy of education differs substantially from traditional homeschooling, and should pose some concerns for Christian parents.
Now, I’m not a fan of being told what to do as it is. But being told what to feel? What to be concerned about? All parents, Christian and otherwise, will have concerns. Absolutely. I’m concerned about hate. I’m concerned about prejudice. I am NOT concerned about when or why or how little Suzy learns long division. Unschooling is not concerning.
Unschooling is a “radical” version of homeschooling; it gives children complete control over their subjects, schedule, and interests. If children do not want to learn science, they do not have to. If they enjoy art, literature, or computer programming, they can spend all their time pursuing that subject
If you are new to the idea of unschooling, please do not give this definition any weight. Unschooling does not “give children complete control over their subjects, schedule, and interests.” To understand unschooling is to recognize that life is not divided into subjects in the first place. And having control over their own interests? Who else but you should have control over your own interests?? Children who “do not want to learn science” or math or history or whatever the case may be, are children who have learned – most likely through school – that learning is a chore. That learning is something that is forced upon us, rather than something that organically happens inside each one of us. That something that is momentarily hard or uninteresting or not useful is something to be feared and avoided. But it doesn’t work that way for unschoolers. Unschoolers know that learning is everywhere. Unschoolers know that they can (and will) learn science as easily and naturally as anything else. Science, math, history, social studies… they’re all intertwined, and they’re all around us. Unschoolers know that they learn everything they need to know, when they need to know it, as it makes sense for them in the life that’s unfolding around them.
In the most radical forms of unschooling, this freedom permeates children’s entire life: they control their bedtimes, meals, and chores
That’s fair enough I guess, for a rudimentary definition, in terms of the way most people view radical unschooling. My children don’t have parent-imposed bedtimes… but they get plenty of sleep, are well-attuned to their own bodies, and know when they need to rest. My children are not required to follow a parent-imposed schedule of meals… but they are healthy and strong, have a good relationship with food, and eat a cleaner and more varied diet than just about any other kids I know. My children do not have sticker charts or compulsory chores they must attend to every day… but they all pitch in as much as the next whenever they are asked, with everything from dishes to laundry to taking out the trash, because we’re a family and we all work together.
Christian unschoolers try to meld the limit-free teaching methods of unschooling with structured biblical parenting.
They do? This is the part that makes lots of people all kinds of uneasy, but… biblical parenting is not all that “structured.” It’s just not. Biblical parenting is about raising children in love. Raising children in a way that demonstrates both your love and God’s love… love for them, and love for each other. It’s about treating children how you’d like to be treated, and about behaving in the same truthful, authentic, honest and kind manner that you would want to pass down to the next generation. And yes, it’s about freedom. It is NOT about control, harsh discipline, and being in bed by 7:00 PM.
Elissa Wahl, co-author of Christian Unschooling: Growing Your Children in the Freedom of Christ, writes on her site, Christian-Unschooling.blogspot.com, that “Unschooling in my house is not unparenting….Although I am pretty radical in my educational beliefs, they do not carry over to letting the children do whatever they want, whenever, with no consequences. That would be unbiblical.”
That quote makes me sad. I have read that book (I think it’s even on my bookshelf somewhere) and I enjoyed it. I am absolutely certain that Ms Wahl is a lovely person, and has no doubt done good things for the unschooling community. But when even “experts” in the unschooling community are perpetuating these misconceptions, is it any wonder that people are so confused? Radical unschooling, whether Christian or otherwise, does not mean “letting the children do whatever they want, whenever, with no consequences.” It’s just not a fair definition, nor is it accurate, nor is it kind. It lends itself to the supposition that unschooled children are ignored, that they are just wildly flinging about the house, with nary a parent in sight. Unschooling parents work with their children…. as partners, facilitators, and friends. At its heart, unschooling is about respect. Respect for the children, yes, but also respect for yourselves as parents. Respect for the family. Respect for the process of living and learning together in freedom. It is not unbiblical. You can read my series on Christian Unschooling for more.
Combining unschooling and biblical understanding of child raising is hard, though, because unschooling grew out of the work of author John Holt, an atheist who argued that parents who exercise discipline “probably destroy as many good qualities as we develop, do at least as much harm as good.”
The more my “biblical understanding of child raising” has increased, so has my realization that it is VERY much aligned with unschooling, not opposed to it. As for John Holt… I have been reading his books for over 15 years now, and I didn’t even know that he was an atheist until I read the above quote a week ago. So to say that it’s hard to combine biblical parenting with his teachings on unschooling – simply because he’s an atheist – is unfair. And interestingly, the Holt quote from above, cited as a reason NOT to unschool as a Christian sounds an awful like a verse from the Bible itself: “Parents, don’t come down too hard on your children or you’ll crush their spirits.” (Colossians 3:21, The Message)
Author and Patrick Henry College provost Gene Edward Veith, a proponent of classical liberal arts education, fears that unschooling’s narrow scope could make a person “very narrow and brittle….The beauty of a liberal arts education is that [students] try a bunch of different things, and see what they’re good at. In the course of that, they find what they most want to focus on, but they still have a foundation and basic understanding of a lot of different things.”
A “narrow scope”? I almost couldn’t respond to this because I was laughing so hard. A “narrow scope” would serve as an excellent antithesis for unschooling. Unschoolers have the entire world as their “classroom!” Unschoolers are living and breathing and experiencing life OUTSIDE of the narrow scope that is compulsory schooling. As for trying a bunch of different things to see what they’re good at… my youngest son, at 7, has already tried a countless number of things that I wasn’t even exposed to until high school (or ever), despite the wonder and the beauty of my liberal arts education.
Veith believes that unschooling follows Rousseau’s philosophy of a naturally innocent and good child. Rousseau never advocated the unschooling method: He believed in removing children from their parents and placing them in the care of a tutor. But Veith says that both Rousseau and Holt defined freedom as meaning, “I’ll do whatever I want.” Veith says, “That’s not Christian freedom, that’s license and slavery. A child who is following his own impulses is not free. He’s a slave to those impulses. Freedom comes from teaching [children] “to develop self-control, self-discipline, to develop their mind and their conscience….That’s real freedom.”
Whew. Let me first say that I believe wholeheartedly in freedom. If you take nothing else from my blog, please take that. I believe in freedom. Freedom for myself, and freedom for my kids. Freedom, by most any definition, is something to aspire to for sure:
FREEDOM: The quality or state of being free, as in: a: the absence of necessity, coercion, or constraint in choice or action b:liberation from slavery or restraint or from the power of another :independencec: the quality or state of being exempt or released usually from something onerous <freedom from care> d:ease, facility <spoke the language with freedom> e: the quality of being frank, open, or outspoken <answered with freedom> f: improper familiarity g: boldness of conception or execution h: unrestricted use <gave him the freedom of their home>
If you’re going to define “freedom” using the slightly negative sounding, “I’ll do whatever I want,” then you’re likely to assume it means doing anything you want regardless of effect or consequence on yourself or on those around you. And if you’re continually making poor choices and doing things that are harmful to yourself or others, then I agree with Mr Veith. That’s not really freedom, or at least not a healthy freedom.
But to Veith, and to everyone else who is harboring this misconception:
That’s not unschooling!
Unschooling isn’t about ignoring your children while they become “slaves to their impulses”. Unschooling is about respecting your children, and nurturing their individuality, and yes, giving them the freedom to explore and learn from and experience the world in a safe and healthy way, according to their own interests and their own timetable and their own unique path in life. If I am imposing my will on my children, then I’m not giving them freedom.
I’m not teaching my children to develop self-control… but because they are loved and cared for by people who practice it, they are learning it. I’m not teaching my children self-discipline, but because they are given trust and respect, because their interests are valued and taken seriously, they are learning it. I’m not teaching my children to develop their mind and their conscience, but because they’re honored for the unique individuals that they are, because they are self-confident and feel good about themselves, because they respect themselves, respect others, and respect the process of life and learning in general… they are developing. My job as a Christian parent isn’t to mold my children, to shape them into something of my – or even God’s – choosing. He’s done that already. They were each individually and uniquely and perfectly created exactly as they were for a reason. My job is to honor that. My job is to love them, to nurture them, and to protect them. My job is ensure that they are happy, healthy, and learning, and that they have all the space and the resources and the support they need to follow their own individual paths. That is freedom.
Christianity and radical unschooling do not have to be – nor should they be – mutually exclusive, despite the morass of articles such as this one that tell us otherwise. So I’ll continue to write about it, even while recognizing that this gross misinterpretation is still so widely accepted.
It’s a shame too, because it’s a pretty great way to live.
Filed under christian unschooling, Uncategorized, unschooling
The Unschooled Gamer
Did you know what you wanted to do with your life when you were eleven?
I did. I wanted to be a writer. Sure, there were moments growing up that I also wanted to be (in no particular order): an Olympic gymnast, a hair stylist, a scientist, and a psychologist. But the one constant, the one thing that I always wanted to be – for as long as I can remember – was a writer. I never knew the exact form it would take, which meant that I navigated a frustrating college experience consisting of, “Well you should major in English. No, you want to take Journalism. Let’s try Mass Communications.” Until I finally admitted that none of them were really the right path for me, but that I still just wanted to write.
I am turning 38 tomorrow, and I am a writer. No, I don’t earn a living writing (although it does very occasionally earn me at least a little bit of money), but I am a writer. I am living out that eleven year old’s dream.
I write.
Sometimes a few people read what I have to say.
Sometimes a lot of people read what I have to say.
Sometimes people are even touched in some way by what I have to say.
Sometimes my words are for me and me alone.
But I am a writer.
Paxton, eleven years old at the time of this writing, wants to be a video game designer.
He has always wanted to be a video game designer. Why, when I know from my own experience the reality of an eleven year old’s passion, would I not take that every bit as seriously as my own writing? I don’t share his love of video games, but I have learned to appreciate them on a whole new level through his example. I can see how much he loves them. I can see how much he’s learning from them. I can see how much it all means to him.
Last night, prompted in part by a discussion about this article, I told Paxton, “You know what you should do? You should start a blog about video games, so that people can see what you’re doing, and see what you’re learning.”
And he answered, “I’ve been thinking about starting a blog!”
So last night, long after the rest of us had gone to bed, he did. He is now, officially, Paxton The Unschooled Gamer.
And as it turns out, he’s a writer too.
Filed under about me, blogging, Paxton, unschooling, video games
A Recipe for Disaster?
Today’s guest post was written by my good friend, Amy. I think it’s important to note that I did not twist her arm to write it (in fact she took it upon herself without my knowledge. She’s sneaky like that) But she did have to twist my arm to get me to post it. Not because it wasn’t lovely and well-written, but because it’s a very odd and somewhat uncomfortable feeling to post something like that about yourself and kids, written by someone else. I resisted, and she said “Jen, you have to post it.” So I am.
Here it is; her response to those who are sure I’m raising future criminals.
No spanking, no time-outs, no parent induced bedtimes, no formal schooling…….recipe for disaster, right?
Attachment parenting, gentle parenting, radical unschooling are all catch phrases currently moving into mainstream society. My friend and owner of this blog, Jennifer McGrail, is an advocate for all of it. This is how her children are raised and let me tell you about these soon to be criminals, drunks, and wife beaters………….. She is praised by many and criticized by few. This is written for the few, from the perspective of a family friend who can’t say she, herself, has always practiced the above parenting philosophies but has observed the behavior of the four McGrail children extensively.
Let’s start with criminal #3, age seven. My son belongs to the same Boy Scout group with #3. At one of the meetings a uniform inspection is on the schedule. There are about 10 boys and the leader warns parents in an e-mail beforehand that he will try to be quick because he knows how hard it can be for the boys to stand still and wait while others are being inspected. The inspections are done in an orderly fashion. Like the leader indicated it was hard for most of the boys to wait patiently, quietly and calm. Nothing abnormal about that, right? They are all young, active boys. Here is the abnormal part: The winner is #3 and here is why he is the winner. Judging the uniforms alone created many ties, so they decided to look at behavior in line to come up with a winner. Guess who won the uniform inspection? #3, because he stood still with arms to his side, without talking and messing around all with his best friend standing right beside him. He didn’t do this because his parents threatened him or prepared him for this. HE JUST DID IT! Because he has self inflicted ideas about how he wants to present himself. Because he is allowed to grow without criticism, coercion, and with trust that he will make good decisions with unconditional love waiting when he doesn’t. That was just one situation, right, so now I’ll tell you the other stories. The ones where because he has never had a time-out, or been told what he must eat and at what time or when to go to bed, or spanked, must mean he is a crazy kid running around with no idea how to behave and headed to jail at an early age. Sorry, but I don’t have any of those. #3 is just a typical 7 year old boy that tends to know how to control his own behavior.
Seven Year Old
Moving on to #2, age 11. He, all on his own, manages a server for an online game that other children play. Just like life this game has gotten messy because children, like adults, don’t understand each other, get over emotional and react without thinking. One such situation happened and it destroyed most of the server. All the hard work that had been done was gone. #2 was MAD, steaming mad!!! He retaliated by writing about it on a forum that would be seen by many. He was asked by his mother, “Do you feel better?” “YES!” he said. She left him with his yes, and didn’t say another word. I’m not sure I could have done this. I probably would have had to explain how this wouldn’t help the matter and being the bigger person can make you feel better and on and on, but she didn’t do that. Guess what, not very long after posting what would have probably made matters worse – and yes he had a right to be mad because someone destroyed his server – he deleted the comments and decided he was going to rebuild the destroyed server. On top of that, he even built a special house on the server for the very person who had done the destroying. This 11 year old did what most adults can’t do. HE JUST DID IT!
11 Year Old
#1 is age 14. Oh no, a teenager! I certainly can’t have anything to say about this guy. If he has been raised without rules and grounding he is surely out there with one foot in jail already. Actually, this 14 year old enjoys talking to and discussing life with this 41 year old. He is comfortable talking to me and his mom. He doesn’t mind hanging with us and gets our opinion about friends, life and girls. I don’t have teens yet, but I remember the teen years being hard. #1 teaches that it doesn’t have to be SO DARN HARD. Every single time I am around him, and that tends to be several times a week, he says, “I love being me!” Seriously, how many people, let alone a teen, loves being them? As adults we read books, go to counseling, and attend workshops to learn how to love ourselves. This 14 year old just does. What a head start he has on life. His joy for life radiates to others as well. My daughter has quoted him several times with lessons she has learned from this 14 year old boy. She is loving herself because of him. I’m pretty sure he is never going to beat his wife. A person who loves himself doesn’t beat others.
14 Year Old
Now to #4, age 3. She is a typical 3 year old. She gets tired, throws tantrums, annoys her brothers, shares, doesn’t share, hugs, kisses, calls names…… but no worries. She has five role models that love her unconditionally. I look in those big, brown eyes and I see pure love, not a criminal.
The Girl
These 4 children are all typical children in many ways. And yes, there are many typical children out there doing extraordinary things just like these children. But raising children without rules, time-outs, spankings, grounding, etc. does not produce criminals, alcoholics, wife beaters…………
I realize this isn’t really written to convince those criticizers that this type of parenting is the right way. Their minds are made up. This is written to those parents that were like me 11 years ago. I was looking for a different way to parent from the mainstream spanking, time-out, and grounding type of parenting. In many ways I did parent in a different way and took criticism, but if I had read an article like this one or known Jennifer McGrail eleven years ago, I would have had the support to know my instincts were right for me and my children. We are a better family for knowing the McGrail family.
Amy Travis is a former teacher, and an unschooling mom. When she isn’t writing blog posts for other people, she enjoys throwing parties, making cake balls, and forcing encouraging this introvert to get out and be social every once in awhile.
So you’re thinking of homeschooling?
Is your child in school, but you’re considering homeschooling? Here are six steps, or things to keep in mind, to get you started:
1. Recognize that you have options.
You don’t have to send your child to school. While any homeschoolers reading this are likely thinking, “Well.. duh,” I think this simple truth is often overlooked by many people. Kids are sent to school because that’s where kids have always gone, and for better or worse, it doesn’t occur to many parents to question it. But you have options. That’s the first thing you need to realize. It is a choice to send a child to school, just as it is a choice to keep that child home. While the laws vary from country to country, homeschooling is legal in all 50 United States. I think too often when a child is severely struggling in school, or miserable, or being bullied, that one of the most obvious solutions – homeschooling – is overlooked in favor of trying to make it work in an environment that is currently doing more harm than good. I truly don’t understand the rationale behind giving it “one more semester” when there is a positive solution that you can employ NOW. If your child is in an unhealthy environment in school, and you are considering homeschooling, don’t wait! Don’t feel like you have to “get all your ducks in a row” first. You have a legal right to go that school today, right now, and take your child home where he/she is safe. You can work out the details later.
Don’t think you have the option to homeschool? Maybe you are a single parent, or in a dual-income family. I know of many families in unique situations that have made homeschooling work, including single parents, two working parents, and low-income families. Tell yourself that you do have options, and keep reading.
2. Give yourself, and your child, TIME
Even, or maybe especially, if there was urgency surrounding your decision to pull your child from school, when you make the decision to home school, you give yourself and your children the incredible gift of TIME. There are no “have to’s” in home schooling. When you remove your child from school, you can give yourselves permission to take the pressure off. Give yourselves time to decompress and to deschool. “Deschool” essentially means to rid yourselves of the ideas, thought processes and/or negative associations surrounding the traditional mindset of school=learning. Give your child time to recover from any damage. Give yourself time to replace old ideas with new ones. Give yourselves time to stop thinking in terms of grades, semesters, and classes. Give yourselves time to stop thinking of learning as something that is done in a certain place at a certain time. Give yourselves time to realize that learning is not something that is done TO someone, but something that happens naturally and organically and that comes from within the learner. Give yourselves time to understand and appreciate what it means to learn in freedom.
3. Do your research
The good news is that there is a literally unending pool of resources for those wanting to learn about homeschooling. The bad news is that there is a literally unending pool of resources for those wanting to learn about homeschooling. It could be overwhelming for someone new. Where do you start? Well, it depends. And if you ask 20 people, you’re likely to get 20 different answers. These are my recommendations, for just a few places to start, depending on what you’re looking for:
If you’re interested in theories of learning, ideas about education, and the WHY you’d want to homeschool, go to your local library and check out anything by John Holt or John Taylor Gatto. They will both open your eyes, and once you read them, you will never think about school and learning in quite the same way again.
If you’re more interested in the “nuts and bolts”, ins and outs of homeschooling, The Homeschooling Handbook and The Unschooling Handbook, both by Mary Griffith, are very informative and easy reads.
Another great little book that combines both of the above, plus gives a compelling first-person account is Family Matters: Why Homeschooling Makes Sense by David Guterson. It is one of the first books I ever read about homeschooling, and I still recommend it a decade later.
If you’re not a book person, Homeschool Central has a ton of links and information and homeschooling in general. If, like us, you prefer to take a more organic approach and bypass all of the curriculum talk, then you’ll want to jump straight into learning about unschooling. Two good places to start are Sandra Dodd and Joyfully Rejoycing. Both are filled with great information, answers to common concerns, and links galore.
Finally, use this link to find the specifics about the homeschooling laws in your state.
4. Get connected
Don’t skip this step! Even if you’re not “group” people (which I’d completely understand… we’re not, either), everybody needs a tribe of people who “get it.” People who are walking the same walk, and people who are facing the same challenges and the same triumphs. Check this link for a list of local homeschool groups in your area, but don’t discount online support as well. There are yahoo groups, Facebook groups, Christian groups, secular groups. Basically, there’s a group for everyone. This is especially important if you’re a single parent or have another unique situation that makes finding like-minded parents more difficult. There are others like you out there… you just have to find them. Don’t be afraid to pick the brain of an established homeschooler either. Most of them – myself included – will be more than happy to talk your ever-loving ear off answer questions and share information, resources, and experience with anyone who’s genuinely interested.
5. Watch, wait, and listen
Simple, but not always easy:
Watch your children. See how they’re learning, what they like, what they don’t like, what they’re interested in, what they’re passionate about.
Wait for deschooling to take place. Wait to see if you’re going down the right path. Wait for the answers to your questions.
Listen to what your kids are telling you, both verbally and non-verbally. They are far and away the most qualified people to tell you what they need.
6. Be flexible
Some of the true beauty of homeschooling is that it can be – and should be! – 100% unique to each family. You do yourself and your kids a great disservice if you try to model your homeschooling experience after a school. You opted out of school for a reason; don’t bring it home with you! In order to successfully homeschool, you have to learn to be flexible. Flexible in both thought and action, and flexible enough to admit that you’ve made a mistake. I can never understand why, when we have the freedom to learn however we’d like, I often hear homeschooling parents complaining about, say, a math curriculum. “I don’t know what to do! Little Johnny just hates his math curriculum! He cries over it every day.” Watch, wait, and listen. Be flexible. Remember you have options. DUMP THE MATH CURRICULUM. Never choose “doing school” when you’re faced with an opportunity to go to the store, or the park, or the zoo (where a million times more natural learning will occur anyway) Never pass up the chance for your kids to help you with dinner, or laundry, or the project in the yard, even though you know it will take you twice as long. Be flexible.
One area that I personally struggle with is not getting stressed out about the change in seasons… the natural ebb and flow of life. This past month we were quite suddenly thrust from a carefree, not-a-thing-on-the-calendar kind of schedule to a jam-packed itinerary of gymnastics, basketball, cub scouts, and church activities. The kids are happy though, and they are living and learning and enjoying life… so I know I need to be flexible, go with the current flow, and appreciate the busy and the calm.
and a bonus number 7:
7. Enjoy it!
Homeschooling is the single most important decision we made for our family, and we thoroughly enjoy this time we’re getting to spend with our kids. I honestly don’t know another homeschooling family who doesn’t feel the same way. So if you do make that decision, do it confidently, and gladly, and enjoy it every step of the way.
Filed under homeschooling, unschooling
