Category Archives: unschooling
My Unsocialized Kids
A couple of weeks ago, someone wrote on an online forum that she liked the idea of homeschooling, but that she would never do it. Why? She couldn’t handle the possibility of her children becoming “social misfits.” Because, you know, kids need to go to school to get properly socialized. I have wanted to write a response to that woman for the past two weeks, but I haven’t had time… largely because my kids’ social calendar has kept me too darn busy.
I haven’t sat down since last Tuesday.
Like most homeschoolers, I am in turns annoyed, amused, and just plain bored with the socialization question. But for reasons that I will forever fail to understand, this “social misfit” myth is irritatingly persistent. So for that woman on the forum, and everyone else who shares her concerns, allow me this window into the lives of my four unsocialized homeschoolers for the past five days:
Wednesday was basketball practice for Everett (age 7). He plays for a town league at the community center with a group of maybe 10 or 12 other 7 and 8 year olds. Tegan (age 4) comes and watches with me while he practices. Sometimes the bigger boys come to hang out, and sometimes they stay home… where they’ll play Minecraft and chat with friends from as far away as Japan.
On Thursdays, Tegan has gymnastics. This is her second session, and she looks forward to it all week. The boys usually like coming to that too, because they can hang out in the game room and play ping pong.. either with themselves, or with the other kids who are always around. A lot of times, I won’t see them for the entire hour-long class. They manage to go to the front desk to ask to borrow the paddles and ball, and otherwise interact with the people around them, despite their lack of socialization.
Fridays are park days. We have belonged to a really lovely homeschool group since last fall, a rather long time for me us. This week, Everett was so excited to get there that he begged me to drop him off before I’d even parked the car. He jumped out and ran over to join to the kickball game, a weekly tradition that welcomes and involves kids from anywhere 6 to 16. Spencer (14) and Paxton (11) ended up over there too, while Tegan and I went to play on the playground. She quickly made a little friend, and eventually told me, “You can go over with the other moms and watch me from over there, Mommy.” The boys finished playing kickball, and graduated to swinging on the swings, playing touch football, and just chatting and hanging out with their friends, and their friends’ moms. We stayed at the park until 4:00, when we had to leave to get Paxton to his basketball practice.
Yesterday, we were back at the same park for Everett’s Cub Scout Space Derby. We got there at 11:00 in the morning, and spent the next couple of hours watching and rooting for Everett and the rest of his den while they competed to see who had the fastest rocket ship. The highlight for Everett (besides winding up with first place and Best in Show): Getting to race against his best friend for the top spot.
After the derby was over, it was a basketball game for Paxton, out to dinner with friends, and back to the park once again for skits and the award ceremony.
This morning, the boys all wanted to go to church with their friends… so they did, each to their own classes, while Mike and I stayed home to take care of some things around the house. When they got back, our friends came over to 1) help Mike with a project on the car and 2) visit. The kids – our kids and theirs – all immediately dispersed into the backyard and various rooms to hang out and play, but not before Spencer thrust a flier (for a teens’ barbeque and volleyball game) in front of me, and said “I want to go to this.” And so he will.
Tomorrow is Monday, and Everett’s den meeting… and it starts all over again.
So are they social misfits? Or just normal, happy, well-adjusted kids who like to stay busy, try new things, and hang out with their friends? I guess it’s a judgment call. I will say though, that when I go to bed at night, in those final moments before I fall asleep, when the events of the day run through my head, and I ponder what’s working and what I need to do differently….. I don’t ever, EVER think to myself:
Damn, I really need to get these kids some socialization.
Filed under basketball, Cub Scouts, homeschooling, life, socialization, unschooling
Unschooling, Christianity, and Other Misconceptions
I don’t pay too much attention to anti-unschooling articles. For one thing, unschoolers make up a small percentage of homeschoolers, which are already just a tiny (but growing) fraction of the general population. It’s not for everyone. It’s not for most people. I get that. It’s also difficult for a lot of people to understand, and people tend to fear or mock what they don’t understand.
I’m happy with my decision to unschool. I’m confident in my decision to unschool. I don’t read a lot of negatively slanted unschooling pieces because I don’t want to give it my energy…. energy that could be much better spent making my life – and that of my kids – full and fun and interesting and happy.
Every now and then though, one slides under my radar. One that’s so full of both its own self-importance and myriads of misconceptions that it nearly begs me to ignore it. I wrestle with indecision. “I really shouldn’t. I shouldn’t. Oh… but I’m gonna.”
I don’t like it when people who don’t understand unschooling try to tell others why they shouldn’t unschool. And I really don’t like it when people who don’t understand unschooling specifically tell Christians that they shouldn’t unschool. Understand it FIRST, and then write about it.
I could sit here and talk to some experts and write an article about, say, the wrong way to reconcile a 941. Don’t know what that is? Oh don’t worry. I’ll explain it to you, in broad strokes and with sweeping generalizations. But until I understand it (beyond the fact that it has something to do with quarterly taxes) I will be first one to tell you that I’m not in a position to be advising on its procedure. I will send you right to my husband who will tell you everything you need to know, without disparaging anyone in the process.
And so it is with unschooling. It’s one thing to say, “You know what? I’ve done the research, and unschooling isn’t for me. This is why.” It’s another thing entirely to warn of unschooling’s dangers when you haven’t yet grasped what unschooling means.
This article, written by Grace Howard, starts out by telling us how us Christian parents should be “concerned” by unschooling. (Emphasis is mine)
But unschooling’s philosophy of education differs substantially from traditional homeschooling, and should pose some concerns for Christian parents.
Now, I’m not a fan of being told what to do as it is. But being told what to feel? What to be concerned about? All parents, Christian and otherwise, will have concerns. Absolutely. I’m concerned about hate. I’m concerned about prejudice. I am NOT concerned about when or why or how little Suzy learns long division. Unschooling is not concerning.
Unschooling is a “radical” version of homeschooling; it gives children complete control over their subjects, schedule, and interests. If children do not want to learn science, they do not have to. If they enjoy art, literature, or computer programming, they can spend all their time pursuing that subject
If you are new to the idea of unschooling, please do not give this definition any weight. Unschooling does not “give children complete control over their subjects, schedule, and interests.” To understand unschooling is to recognize that life is not divided into subjects in the first place. And having control over their own interests? Who else but you should have control over your own interests?? Children who “do not want to learn science” or math or history or whatever the case may be, are children who have learned – most likely through school – that learning is a chore. That learning is something that is forced upon us, rather than something that organically happens inside each one of us. That something that is momentarily hard or uninteresting or not useful is something to be feared and avoided. But it doesn’t work that way for unschoolers. Unschoolers know that learning is everywhere. Unschoolers know that they can (and will) learn science as easily and naturally as anything else. Science, math, history, social studies… they’re all intertwined, and they’re all around us. Unschoolers know that they learn everything they need to know, when they need to know it, as it makes sense for them in the life that’s unfolding around them.
In the most radical forms of unschooling, this freedom permeates children’s entire life: they control their bedtimes, meals, and chores
That’s fair enough I guess, for a rudimentary definition, in terms of the way most people view radical unschooling. My children don’t have parent-imposed bedtimes… but they get plenty of sleep, are well-attuned to their own bodies, and know when they need to rest. My children are not required to follow a parent-imposed schedule of meals… but they are healthy and strong, have a good relationship with food, and eat a cleaner and more varied diet than just about any other kids I know. My children do not have sticker charts or compulsory chores they must attend to every day… but they all pitch in as much as the next whenever they are asked, with everything from dishes to laundry to taking out the trash, because we’re a family and we all work together.
Christian unschoolers try to meld the limit-free teaching methods of unschooling with structured biblical parenting.
They do? This is the part that makes lots of people all kinds of uneasy, but… biblical parenting is not all that “structured.” It’s just not. Biblical parenting is about raising children in love. Raising children in a way that demonstrates both your love and God’s love… love for them, and love for each other. It’s about treating children how you’d like to be treated, and about behaving in the same truthful, authentic, honest and kind manner that you would want to pass down to the next generation. And yes, it’s about freedom. It is NOT about control, harsh discipline, and being in bed by 7:00 PM.
Elissa Wahl, co-author of Christian Unschooling: Growing Your Children in the Freedom of Christ, writes on her site, Christian-Unschooling.blogspot.com, that “Unschooling in my house is not unparenting….Although I am pretty radical in my educational beliefs, they do not carry over to letting the children do whatever they want, whenever, with no consequences. That would be unbiblical.”
That quote makes me sad. I have read that book (I think it’s even on my bookshelf somewhere) and I enjoyed it. I am absolutely certain that Ms Wahl is a lovely person, and has no doubt done good things for the unschooling community. But when even “experts” in the unschooling community are perpetuating these misconceptions, is it any wonder that people are so confused? Radical unschooling, whether Christian or otherwise, does not mean “letting the children do whatever they want, whenever, with no consequences.” It’s just not a fair definition, nor is it accurate, nor is it kind. It lends itself to the supposition that unschooled children are ignored, that they are just wildly flinging about the house, with nary a parent in sight. Unschooling parents work with their children…. as partners, facilitators, and friends. At its heart, unschooling is about respect. Respect for the children, yes, but also respect for yourselves as parents. Respect for the family. Respect for the process of living and learning together in freedom. It is not unbiblical. You can read my series on Christian Unschooling for more.
Combining unschooling and biblical understanding of child raising is hard, though, because unschooling grew out of the work of author John Holt, an atheist who argued that parents who exercise discipline “probably destroy as many good qualities as we develop, do at least as much harm as good.”
The more my “biblical understanding of child raising” has increased, so has my realization that it is VERY much aligned with unschooling, not opposed to it. As for John Holt… I have been reading his books for over 15 years now, and I didn’t even know that he was an atheist until I read the above quote a week ago. So to say that it’s hard to combine biblical parenting with his teachings on unschooling – simply because he’s an atheist – is unfair. And interestingly, the Holt quote from above, cited as a reason NOT to unschool as a Christian sounds an awful like a verse from the Bible itself: “Parents, don’t come down too hard on your children or you’ll crush their spirits.” (Colossians 3:21, The Message)
Author and Patrick Henry College provost Gene Edward Veith, a proponent of classical liberal arts education, fears that unschooling’s narrow scope could make a person “very narrow and brittle….The beauty of a liberal arts education is that [students] try a bunch of different things, and see what they’re good at. In the course of that, they find what they most want to focus on, but they still have a foundation and basic understanding of a lot of different things.”
A “narrow scope”? I almost couldn’t respond to this because I was laughing so hard. A “narrow scope” would serve as an excellent antithesis for unschooling. Unschoolers have the entire world as their “classroom!” Unschoolers are living and breathing and experiencing life OUTSIDE of the narrow scope that is compulsory schooling. As for trying a bunch of different things to see what they’re good at… my youngest son, at 7, has already tried a countless number of things that I wasn’t even exposed to until high school (or ever), despite the wonder and the beauty of my liberal arts education.
Veith believes that unschooling follows Rousseau’s philosophy of a naturally innocent and good child. Rousseau never advocated the unschooling method: He believed in removing children from their parents and placing them in the care of a tutor. But Veith says that both Rousseau and Holt defined freedom as meaning, “I’ll do whatever I want.” Veith says, “That’s not Christian freedom, that’s license and slavery. A child who is following his own impulses is not free. He’s a slave to those impulses. Freedom comes from teaching [children] “to develop self-control, self-discipline, to develop their mind and their conscience….That’s real freedom.”
Whew. Let me first say that I believe wholeheartedly in freedom. If you take nothing else from my blog, please take that. I believe in freedom. Freedom for myself, and freedom for my kids. Freedom, by most any definition, is something to aspire to for sure:
FREEDOM: The quality or state of being free, as in: a: the absence of necessity, coercion, or constraint in choice or action b:liberation from slavery or restraint or from the power of another :independencec: the quality or state of being exempt or released usually from something onerous <freedom from care> d:ease, facility <spoke the language with freedom> e: the quality of being frank, open, or outspoken <answered with freedom> f: improper familiarity g: boldness of conception or execution h: unrestricted use <gave him the freedom of their home>
If you’re going to define “freedom” using the slightly negative sounding, “I’ll do whatever I want,” then you’re likely to assume it means doing anything you want regardless of effect or consequence on yourself or on those around you. And if you’re continually making poor choices and doing things that are harmful to yourself or others, then I agree with Mr Veith. That’s not really freedom, or at least not a healthy freedom.
But to Veith, and to everyone else who is harboring this misconception:
That’s not unschooling!
Unschooling isn’t about ignoring your children while they become “slaves to their impulses”. Unschooling is about respecting your children, and nurturing their individuality, and yes, giving them the freedom to explore and learn from and experience the world in a safe and healthy way, according to their own interests and their own timetable and their own unique path in life. If I am imposing my will on my children, then I’m not giving them freedom.
I’m not teaching my children to develop self-control… but because they are loved and cared for by people who practice it, they are learning it. I’m not teaching my children self-discipline, but because they are given trust and respect, because their interests are valued and taken seriously, they are learning it. I’m not teaching my children to develop their mind and their conscience, but because they’re honored for the unique individuals that they are, because they are self-confident and feel good about themselves, because they respect themselves, respect others, and respect the process of life and learning in general… they are developing. My job as a Christian parent isn’t to mold my children, to shape them into something of my – or even God’s – choosing. He’s done that already. They were each individually and uniquely and perfectly created exactly as they were for a reason. My job is to honor that. My job is to love them, to nurture them, and to protect them. My job is ensure that they are happy, healthy, and learning, and that they have all the space and the resources and the support they need to follow their own individual paths. That is freedom.
Christianity and radical unschooling do not have to be – nor should they be – mutually exclusive, despite the morass of articles such as this one that tell us otherwise. So I’ll continue to write about it, even while recognizing that this gross misinterpretation is still so widely accepted.
It’s a shame too, because it’s a pretty great way to live.
Filed under christian unschooling, Uncategorized, unschooling
The Unschooled Gamer
Did you know what you wanted to do with your life when you were eleven?
I did. I wanted to be a writer. Sure, there were moments growing up that I also wanted to be (in no particular order): an Olympic gymnast, a hair stylist, a scientist, and a psychologist. But the one constant, the one thing that I always wanted to be – for as long as I can remember – was a writer. I never knew the exact form it would take, which meant that I navigated a frustrating college experience consisting of, “Well you should major in English. No, you want to take Journalism. Let’s try Mass Communications.” Until I finally admitted that none of them were really the right path for me, but that I still just wanted to write.
I am turning 38 tomorrow, and I am a writer. No, I don’t earn a living writing (although it does very occasionally earn me at least a little bit of money), but I am a writer. I am living out that eleven year old’s dream.
I write.
Sometimes a few people read what I have to say.
Sometimes a lot of people read what I have to say.
Sometimes people are even touched in some way by what I have to say.
Sometimes my words are for me and me alone.
But I am a writer.
Paxton, eleven years old at the time of this writing, wants to be a video game designer.
He has always wanted to be a video game designer. Why, when I know from my own experience the reality of an eleven year old’s passion, would I not take that every bit as seriously as my own writing? I don’t share his love of video games, but I have learned to appreciate them on a whole new level through his example. I can see how much he loves them. I can see how much he’s learning from them. I can see how much it all means to him.
Last night, prompted in part by a discussion about this article, I told Paxton, “You know what you should do? You should start a blog about video games, so that people can see what you’re doing, and see what you’re learning.”
And he answered, “I’ve been thinking about starting a blog!”
So last night, long after the rest of us had gone to bed, he did. He is now, officially, Paxton The Unschooled Gamer.
And as it turns out, he’s a writer too.
Filed under about me, blogging, Paxton, unschooling, video games
A Recipe for Disaster?
Today’s guest post was written by my good friend, Amy. I think it’s important to note that I did not twist her arm to write it (in fact she took it upon herself without my knowledge. She’s sneaky like that) But she did have to twist my arm to get me to post it. Not because it wasn’t lovely and well-written, but because it’s a very odd and somewhat uncomfortable feeling to post something like that about yourself and kids, written by someone else. I resisted, and she said “Jen, you have to post it.” So I am.
Here it is; her response to those who are sure I’m raising future criminals.
No spanking, no time-outs, no parent induced bedtimes, no formal schooling…….recipe for disaster, right?
Attachment parenting, gentle parenting, radical unschooling are all catch phrases currently moving into mainstream society. My friend and owner of this blog, Jennifer McGrail, is an advocate for all of it. This is how her children are raised and let me tell you about these soon to be criminals, drunks, and wife beaters………….. She is praised by many and criticized by few. This is written for the few, from the perspective of a family friend who can’t say she, herself, has always practiced the above parenting philosophies but has observed the behavior of the four McGrail children extensively.
Let’s start with criminal #3, age seven. My son belongs to the same Boy Scout group with #3. At one of the meetings a uniform inspection is on the schedule. There are about 10 boys and the leader warns parents in an e-mail beforehand that he will try to be quick because he knows how hard it can be for the boys to stand still and wait while others are being inspected. The inspections are done in an orderly fashion. Like the leader indicated it was hard for most of the boys to wait patiently, quietly and calm. Nothing abnormal about that, right? They are all young, active boys. Here is the abnormal part: The winner is #3 and here is why he is the winner. Judging the uniforms alone created many ties, so they decided to look at behavior in line to come up with a winner. Guess who won the uniform inspection? #3, because he stood still with arms to his side, without talking and messing around all with his best friend standing right beside him. He didn’t do this because his parents threatened him or prepared him for this. HE JUST DID IT! Because he has self inflicted ideas about how he wants to present himself. Because he is allowed to grow without criticism, coercion, and with trust that he will make good decisions with unconditional love waiting when he doesn’t. That was just one situation, right, so now I’ll tell you the other stories. The ones where because he has never had a time-out, or been told what he must eat and at what time or when to go to bed, or spanked, must mean he is a crazy kid running around with no idea how to behave and headed to jail at an early age. Sorry, but I don’t have any of those. #3 is just a typical 7 year old boy that tends to know how to control his own behavior.
Seven Year Old
Moving on to #2, age 11. He, all on his own, manages a server for an online game that other children play. Just like life this game has gotten messy because children, like adults, don’t understand each other, get over emotional and react without thinking. One such situation happened and it destroyed most of the server. All the hard work that had been done was gone. #2 was MAD, steaming mad!!! He retaliated by writing about it on a forum that would be seen by many. He was asked by his mother, “Do you feel better?” “YES!” he said. She left him with his yes, and didn’t say another word. I’m not sure I could have done this. I probably would have had to explain how this wouldn’t help the matter and being the bigger person can make you feel better and on and on, but she didn’t do that. Guess what, not very long after posting what would have probably made matters worse – and yes he had a right to be mad because someone destroyed his server – he deleted the comments and decided he was going to rebuild the destroyed server. On top of that, he even built a special house on the server for the very person who had done the destroying. This 11 year old did what most adults can’t do. HE JUST DID IT!
11 Year Old
#1 is age 14. Oh no, a teenager! I certainly can’t have anything to say about this guy. If he has been raised without rules and grounding he is surely out there with one foot in jail already. Actually, this 14 year old enjoys talking to and discussing life with this 41 year old. He is comfortable talking to me and his mom. He doesn’t mind hanging with us and gets our opinion about friends, life and girls. I don’t have teens yet, but I remember the teen years being hard. #1 teaches that it doesn’t have to be SO DARN HARD. Every single time I am around him, and that tends to be several times a week, he says, “I love being me!” Seriously, how many people, let alone a teen, loves being them? As adults we read books, go to counseling, and attend workshops to learn how to love ourselves. This 14 year old just does. What a head start he has on life. His joy for life radiates to others as well. My daughter has quoted him several times with lessons she has learned from this 14 year old boy. She is loving herself because of him. I’m pretty sure he is never going to beat his wife. A person who loves himself doesn’t beat others.
14 Year Old
Now to #4, age 3. She is a typical 3 year old. She gets tired, throws tantrums, annoys her brothers, shares, doesn’t share, hugs, kisses, calls names…… but no worries. She has five role models that love her unconditionally. I look in those big, brown eyes and I see pure love, not a criminal.
The Girl
These 4 children are all typical children in many ways. And yes, there are many typical children out there doing extraordinary things just like these children. But raising children without rules, time-outs, spankings, grounding, etc. does not produce criminals, alcoholics, wife beaters…………
I realize this isn’t really written to convince those criticizers that this type of parenting is the right way. Their minds are made up. This is written to those parents that were like me 11 years ago. I was looking for a different way to parent from the mainstream spanking, time-out, and grounding type of parenting. In many ways I did parent in a different way and took criticism, but if I had read an article like this one or known Jennifer McGrail eleven years ago, I would have had the support to know my instincts were right for me and my children. We are a better family for knowing the McGrail family.
Amy Travis is a former teacher, and an unschooling mom. When she isn’t writing blog posts for other people, she enjoys throwing parties, making cake balls, and forcing encouraging this introvert to get out and be social every once in awhile.
So you’re thinking of homeschooling?
Is your child in school, but you’re considering homeschooling? Here are six steps, or things to keep in mind, to get you started:
1. Recognize that you have options.
You don’t have to send your child to school. While any homeschoolers reading this are likely thinking, “Well.. duh,” I think this simple truth is often overlooked by many people. Kids are sent to school because that’s where kids have always gone, and for better or worse, it doesn’t occur to many parents to question it. But you have options. That’s the first thing you need to realize. It is a choice to send a child to school, just as it is a choice to keep that child home. While the laws vary from country to country, homeschooling is legal in all 50 United States. I think too often when a child is severely struggling in school, or miserable, or being bullied, that one of the most obvious solutions – homeschooling – is overlooked in favor of trying to make it work in an environment that is currently doing more harm than good. I truly don’t understand the rationale behind giving it “one more semester” when there is a positive solution that you can employ NOW. If your child is in an unhealthy environment in school, and you are considering homeschooling, don’t wait! Don’t feel like you have to “get all your ducks in a row” first. You have a legal right to go that school today, right now, and take your child home where he/she is safe. You can work out the details later.
Don’t think you have the option to homeschool? Maybe you are a single parent, or in a dual-income family. I know of many families in unique situations that have made homeschooling work, including single parents, two working parents, and low-income families. Tell yourself that you do have options, and keep reading.
2. Give yourself, and your child, TIME
Even, or maybe especially, if there was urgency surrounding your decision to pull your child from school, when you make the decision to home school, you give yourself and your children the incredible gift of TIME. There are no “have to’s” in home schooling. When you remove your child from school, you can give yourselves permission to take the pressure off. Give yourselves time to decompress and to deschool. “Deschool” essentially means to rid yourselves of the ideas, thought processes and/or negative associations surrounding the traditional mindset of school=learning. Give your child time to recover from any damage. Give yourself time to replace old ideas with new ones. Give yourselves time to stop thinking in terms of grades, semesters, and classes. Give yourselves time to stop thinking of learning as something that is done in a certain place at a certain time. Give yourselves time to realize that learning is not something that is done TO someone, but something that happens naturally and organically and that comes from within the learner. Give yourselves time to understand and appreciate what it means to learn in freedom.
3. Do your research
The good news is that there is a literally unending pool of resources for those wanting to learn about homeschooling. The bad news is that there is a literally unending pool of resources for those wanting to learn about homeschooling. It could be overwhelming for someone new. Where do you start? Well, it depends. And if you ask 20 people, you’re likely to get 20 different answers. These are my recommendations, for just a few places to start, depending on what you’re looking for:
If you’re interested in theories of learning, ideas about education, and the WHY you’d want to homeschool, go to your local library and check out anything by John Holt or John Taylor Gatto. They will both open your eyes, and once you read them, you will never think about school and learning in quite the same way again.
If you’re more interested in the “nuts and bolts”, ins and outs of homeschooling, The Homeschooling Handbook and The Unschooling Handbook, both by Mary Griffith, are very informative and easy reads.
Another great little book that combines both of the above, plus gives a compelling first-person account is Family Matters: Why Homeschooling Makes Sense by David Guterson. It is one of the first books I ever read about homeschooling, and I still recommend it a decade later.
If you’re not a book person, Homeschool Central has a ton of links and information and homeschooling in general. If, like us, you prefer to take a more organic approach and bypass all of the curriculum talk, then you’ll want to jump straight into learning about unschooling. Two good places to start are Sandra Dodd and Joyfully Rejoycing. Both are filled with great information, answers to common concerns, and links galore.
Finally, use this link to find the specifics about the homeschooling laws in your state.
4. Get connected
Don’t skip this step! Even if you’re not “group” people (which I’d completely understand… we’re not, either), everybody needs a tribe of people who “get it.” People who are walking the same walk, and people who are facing the same challenges and the same triumphs. Check this link for a list of local homeschool groups in your area, but don’t discount online support as well. There are yahoo groups, Facebook groups, Christian groups, secular groups. Basically, there’s a group for everyone. This is especially important if you’re a single parent or have another unique situation that makes finding like-minded parents more difficult. There are others like you out there… you just have to find them. Don’t be afraid to pick the brain of an established homeschooler either. Most of them – myself included – will be more than happy to talk your ever-loving ear off answer questions and share information, resources, and experience with anyone who’s genuinely interested.
5. Watch, wait, and listen
Simple, but not always easy:
Watch your children. See how they’re learning, what they like, what they don’t like, what they’re interested in, what they’re passionate about.
Wait for deschooling to take place. Wait to see if you’re going down the right path. Wait for the answers to your questions.
Listen to what your kids are telling you, both verbally and non-verbally. They are far and away the most qualified people to tell you what they need.
6. Be flexible
Some of the true beauty of homeschooling is that it can be – and should be! – 100% unique to each family. You do yourself and your kids a great disservice if you try to model your homeschooling experience after a school. You opted out of school for a reason; don’t bring it home with you! In order to successfully homeschool, you have to learn to be flexible. Flexible in both thought and action, and flexible enough to admit that you’ve made a mistake. I can never understand why, when we have the freedom to learn however we’d like, I often hear homeschooling parents complaining about, say, a math curriculum. “I don’t know what to do! Little Johnny just hates his math curriculum! He cries over it every day.” Watch, wait, and listen. Be flexible. Remember you have options. DUMP THE MATH CURRICULUM. Never choose “doing school” when you’re faced with an opportunity to go to the store, or the park, or the zoo (where a million times more natural learning will occur anyway) Never pass up the chance for your kids to help you with dinner, or laundry, or the project in the yard, even though you know it will take you twice as long. Be flexible.
One area that I personally struggle with is not getting stressed out about the change in seasons… the natural ebb and flow of life. This past month we were quite suddenly thrust from a carefree, not-a-thing-on-the-calendar kind of schedule to a jam-packed itinerary of gymnastics, basketball, cub scouts, and church activities. The kids are happy though, and they are living and learning and enjoying life… so I know I need to be flexible, go with the current flow, and appreciate the busy and the calm.
and a bonus number 7:
7. Enjoy it!
Homeschooling is the single most important decision we made for our family, and we thoroughly enjoy this time we’re getting to spend with our kids. I honestly don’t know another homeschooling family who doesn’t feel the same way. So if you do make that decision, do it confidently, and gladly, and enjoy it every step of the way.
Filed under homeschooling, unschooling
Are you happy with your choices?
A couple nights ago, we had a salesman at the house, giving us a presentation about a way to get greener energy for our home. He was a nice guy, and he easily chit-chatted it up with us as well as with the kids as they wandered in and out of the room. It wasn’t long before the fact that we homeschool was brought to light, and the usual, honestly curious questions followed:
Oh! You homeschool, how does that work for you?
What made you decide to do it?
What kind of curriculum do you follow?
Do you do foreign languages?
How will they get into college?
And of course ….. wait for it ….. What about socialization?
One of the hardest questions for me is always WHY we chose homeschooling. Not because I don’t have an answer, but because I have oh. so. many. answers.
People always want to know what it was that originally got us started on the homeschooling/unschooling journey, and I never know just what to say. I tell them about reading John Holt for the first time, and how much it all resonated with me. But why did I pick up the book in the first place? I honestly don’t know. What would perhaps be a better question is why do we continue to homeschool after all these years? And that is something that I can answer, and answer easily.
Sure, I could wax on and on about theories of learning. I could talk at length about parenting philosophies, and ways of honoring someone as an individual, and a right to freedom. I could quote Holt and John Taylor Gatto. I could cite studies, or point to a flawed school system, or give you an example (or ten or fifty seven) of how learning happens for each of my four kids. I could, quite literally, write you a book. But the concise and simple reason we continue to homeschool is this:
It continues to be the right choice for us. It continues to be a choice that bring us happiness, and contentment, and peace. It continues to be a choice that just feels right.
I am a big believer in trusting that God (or the universe, or whatever it is you believe in) will let us know whether a choice we’ve made is the right one or the wrong one. Sometimes it’s in a subtle, quiet way; one we have to be still and really listen for. Other times its more of a “hit you over the head with an anvil like you’re a Looney Tunes character.” Unschooling for us has always been the latter. We are reminded DAILY that it’s the right choice, and rarely in a subtle fashion.
This year marks year 8 of Spencer’s being “school aged.” While we knew we’d unschool right from the start (really, even before we knew it had a name), we didn’t have anything to officially opt out of until 8 years ago. 8 years, and we are still completely and blissfully and ridiculously happy with our decision…. so it’s a choice we continue to make.
I find it odd and somewhat confusing when people claim to be happy with their choices but act threatened or offended by those who’ve chosen differently… whether it’s educational choices, or parenting choices, or work choices. I can never help but wonder if 1) those people are not as happy as they think they are, or 2) if they know deep down that they are unhappy but that they allow themselves to get angry and defensive because it’s easier than the alternative of facing the truth, or 3) if they really ARE as happy as they say they are, but for some reason view differing choices as a threat anyway (which really doesn’t make any logical sense to me) If you’re truly happy and at peace with your own choices, why would anyone else’s choices matter?
The answer is: They don’t.
Are you happy with the choices you’ve made, for yourself, and your kids, and your family? And if you’re not, are you taking steps to change them?
Filed under parenting, unschooling
Life is not fair, and no, I won’t get used to it.
The following list of rules has been showing up on my Facebook feed, and being credited to Bill Gates. I did a little bit of research (aka went to snopes.com) and found that it’s long been incorrectly attributed to Gates, when it was really written by a man named Charles J. Sykes, author of a book called “Dumbing Down Our Kids: Why American Children Feel Good About Themselves, but can’t Read, Write, or Add”. While lots of people praise it for its advice, the whole thing struck me as pessimistic and resentful towards kids in general. Here is the list, coupled with my response to Mr Sykes.
Rules You Won’t Learn in School
Rule 1: Life is not fair – get used to it!
Is there an element of truth to this? Sure. Sometimes life isn’t fair. But subscribing to this sort of philosophy is like living the old adage, “Life sucks and then you die.” It is a pessimistic, sad, and destructive way to view the world, and your life. I certainly wouldn’t want to view life in that manner, and I wouldn’t my kids to either. I choose to focus on the GOOD.
Rule 2: The world doesn’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
So let me understand this. We’re not to feel good about ourselves until we “accomplish something?” Who decides what we need to accomplish before we feel good about ourselves? I didn’t finish college. I didn’t get a 1600 on my SATs. I haven’t worked outside the home in over a decade. Should I not feel good about myself? Because I do, unabashedly. And it seems to me that in this day and age of bullying, drug addiction, eating disorders, and trying to fit in with the crowd that school kids’ self esteem is at a collective all-time LOW. I’m thinking that advising them to “accomplish” something before they even think about feeling good about themselves isn’t such a stellar plan. My kids do feel good about themselves, and because they feel good about themselves, they can ‘accomplish’ anything they put their minds to.
Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Absolutely. You probably won’t. But I don’t want my kids to chasing a goal of x dollars a year, or of being a “vice president with a car phone.” I want them to follow their path. Maybe it doesn’t involve making $60,000 a year. Maybe they have no desire to be a vice president of anything. If they’re happy and growing and pursuing their own goals it won’t matter if they’re making $10 an hour or six figures a year. If THEY are happy (and this is assuming they have ignored the advice in #2 and feel good about themselves even before they’ve “accomplished” anything) then I will be happy as well.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
I have had great teachers, and I have had great bosses. I don’t want my kids to fear somebody being “tough” on them, but to approach each new opportunity, person, and experience with an open mind, and an open heart.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: They called it opportunity.
Who said it was beneath anyone’s dignity? I worked at McDonald’s as a teen. I picked blueberries one summer. I’ve mucked horse stalls. I’ve cashiered more years than I care to count. I was grateful for every job that I had, and I’ve no doubt that my kids will feel the same way. I can’t help but wonder why Mr Sykes has such a low opinion of today’s youth.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Seriously, what is with all the negativity? My kids make mistakes (as do I) all the time. Never once have I seen them blame me. They learn from their mistakes just like their parents do. But then again, they have self-esteem. I’d imagine it’d be easier to blame someone else for your mistakes if you didn’t feel good about yourself. So maybe if you scrapped number 2, you could scrap number 6 too.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
This one made my 11 year old laugh. He said, “That’s pretty funny. NOT TRUE, but funny.” He doesn’t think we’re boring, and he knows we don’t view him or his siblings as a burden, or as someone who needs to somehow be indebted to us because we pay his bills, or clean his clothes. I’d join him in his laughter except that it makes me genuinely sad to hear someone talk in such an insulting way about children in general.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. *This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.*
Well, I do agree that school does not bear the slightest resemblance to real life, but not because of this example. Schools that are abolishing traditional testing and grading systems are actually getting closer to real life than those that are not. In real life, we’re allowed to use calculators, and we don’t have to “show our work.” In real life, employees get to ask questions, get feedback from bosses and coworkers, and often work as a team. In real life, people don’t have to be graded and categorized and labeled, and in real life people get to CHOOSE what they study, what they pursue, and how and where and why they work.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.
No, life is not divided into semesters. And no, you don’t get summers off. What strikes me about this rule though is this: Most kids are in school, what, 6, 8 hours a day? Add to that the 2 hours of homework, and to that the hour of after school sports… When does Mr Sykes suggest that kids actually get their “own” time to find themselves?
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
We’re big fans of Friends, so this one made us laugh too. It’s laughable for other reasons though. The kids know that Friends is just a TV show. Even the 3 year old understands that Daddy goes to work every day, and she understands why.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.
Kind of ironic that he’s concerned about being nice to ‘nerds’, at the tail end of a list that’s been anything but nice to children. But by all means, YES, be nice to nerds. Be nice to teachers. Be nice to jocks and geeks and popular kids and kids who smoke in between classes. Be nice to the people who get on your very last nerve and be nice to the people who make you want, with every fiber of your being, to be the exact opposite of ‘nice’. Not because you might be working for them one day, but because it’s the right thing to do. And because – if you’ll ignore rules 1 through 10 – you’ll feel good about yourself, and positive about life, and will genuinely want to share it with others.
Filed under kids, life, unschooling
Too shy? There’s a med for that.
Once you label me, you negate me. ~Soren Kierkegaard
I am:
shy
ADD
depressed
anxious
too sensitive
bi-polar
ME. I am me. I won’t be defined by a label… not yours, not mine, and not the “experts’”. I am me.
And my kids? They’re my kids. They’re people, each one of them individuals. They are not a set of characteristics or facets or “quirks.” They are not a description in a book or a pamphlet in the pediatrician’s waiting room. They are not hypothetical. They are not like anybody else. They are not mere ingredients of a whole, or something to be molded or refined or altered to fit into a certain box. They do not need to be diagnosed. They do not need to be labeled.
This article, from Health Impact News, says that 650,000 kids are already on Ritalin. As if that’s not enough, children who are too quiet or ‘moody’ or not as social as their peers now “run the risk of being diagnosed with mental illnesses and given powerful drugs like Prozac, psychologists have warned.” Not as chatty as the kid sitting next to you? Must be social anxiety disorder. Sad because your betta fish died? Clearly you’re clinically depressed. Voiced a contrary opinion to someone in charge? Why, that’s surely caused by your oppositional defiant disorder.
I think the thing that bothers me the most about this disturbingly increasing use of labels (and subsequent dispensing of medication to “treat” them) is this end goal of making everyone somehow the same. The quiet kids need to be more outgoing. But not too outgoing. The energetic kids need to calm down. But not too much. The kids who are too rigid and regimented need to relax. But just a little. The ones who are making up stories in their head and looking out the window… well, they need to learn. to. focus. Let’s just take away all their differences, and all their uniqueness, and all their personalities. Let’s make everyone NORMAL.
But wait. I have a question. Who the hell decides what “normal” is? And why is it something I’d ever want myself or my kids to strive for? I don’t want “normal” lives for my kids. I want happy. I want healthy. I want full, and rich, and interesting.
I want them to know that there isn’t something wrong with them because they are too quiet. Or too loud. Or if they learn quickly or slowly or in a different way than the kid sitting next to them. Or walk differently or talk differently or think differently. I want them to know that they were created exactly the way they were created for a reason. I want them to know that they are not a label, and they are not a box-filler, and they are not automatically a member of whatever group someone else wants to lump them in with.
This is not to say that I think we should ignore it when our children are unhappy or struggling in some way. In fact the opposite is true. I think it’s our job as parents to continually ask ourselves how we can best meet their individual needs. I think it’s our job to ask ourselves what we could do make their lives even better. What we could do to help make their lives more happy and peaceful and fulfilling. They don’t need someone to try to fix them or change them to fit inside someone else’s ideal, but someone who’ll just love them, exactly as they are. Someone who will pay attention to their needs, support them in their interests, and respect their individuality. In the end, what they need is a parent who will stand up and say, “You know what, I’m on your side.”
When I first began writing this post, I was going to share my experiences as a parent to a child that everyone wanted to label from the time he was a toddler. But I’ve decided it’s not my story to tell. It’s his story, to eventually share or not share however he sees fit. I am not in his head, and I am not in his body. I’m just lucky enough to be his mom.
I can, however, tell you what it’s like to be me. I can tell you what it’s like to have the labels I’ve crossed out up above (which, by the way, are real words I’ve heard to describe myself at various times in my life). I can tell you that I am not those labels. I can tell you that I’m just me… with flaws and warts and awesomeness just like anyone else. I can tell you that I’ve learned that the minute I let myself get defined by a label is the minute that my life gets smaller, and the minute that the world gets a little less colorful and a little less free. It’s the minute that doors close instead of open, and the minute that the glass that was once half-full suddenly becomes bone dry.
I don’t want that for myself, and I don’t want it for my kids.
And so, we celebrate being authentically US. We celebrate differences. We recognize and embrace the fact that those differences that school or society might tell us are weird or crazy or wrong… are actually something pretty darn wonderful.
Filed under kids, labels, parenting, unschooling
I want you to love this. So I’m going to force you to do it.
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Confession: I have watched the movie The Sure Thing approximately 8625 times (give or take a thousand) There was a point in time when my sister and I could sit and recite the entire movie back and forth, without missing a single line. We’re geeky talented like that. Also on my watched againandagainandagain list: When Harry Met Sally, The Breakfast Club, Real Genius, Some Kind of Wonderful, and Say Anything. Yes, I am aware that they made other movies both before and after the ’80s, but that shall forever remain my favorite movie decade.
I love movies. I love them for their storytelling, for their settings, and for their dialogue. I love the cinematography. I love thinking about the screenplay (and being reminded of my all-time favorite class in college). I love the soundtracks, and how the music makes you really feel what you’re watching. I love that I can watch a movie over and over, and still notice something new every time. I love watching the characters in the background, and seeing how much they add or detract from the main action. I love catching when they’ve made a mistake of continuity in the editing. I love that a favorite movie can bring me out of the doldrums like nothing else.
Because I love them, I naturally share that love with my kids. It just sort of bubbles out of me. We talk about movies, I tell them about my old favorites, we watch together, we look up the actors we like to see what else they’ve been in. I don’t know that they will all grow up loving movies as much as I do… but I do know that they enjoy and appreciate them. They’re something fun that we all take part in, both individually and as a family, simply because I couldn’t help but share this part of myself with the people around me.
You know what I don’t do? I don’t force them to watch movies. Ever. I don’t require them to watch movies. I don’t set aside a certain part of the day for watching movies. I don’t tell them how much it would mean to me if they loved movies. I don’t make them watch movies when they’d rather be reading, or playing ball or taking apart an engine. Doing so would then make movies an unpleasant chore… the exact opposite of my intention. It would likely make them in fact strongly dislike movies (and possibly also strongly dislike ME in the process). At a minimum, it would make them resentful of my insistence, and all but ensure that it becomes a past time that they would then never willingly pursue or enjoy of their own volition.
Doesn’t that just seem like common sense?
Why then, do people hold the belief that they can foster the love of reading (another of the great loves of my life) through force? Through requiring children – whether they seem ready or receptive or not – to sitting down, and practicing, practicing, practicing… as though it were an arduous and grueling task instead of what it actually is: a useful and often pleasurable skill, one that should be enjoyed and embraced by the individual doing it. Let me ask you, how much enjoying and embracing are you going to be doing if someone is standing over you with an iron fist? How much more would you enjoy that chapter book, or National Geographic, or car repair manual (this is what my 14 year old reads for fun) if you’re the one choosing to pick it up? How much more would you appreciate having the skill of reading in your life if you came by it naturally… by having the people you love and trust sharing their joy of reading with you? By being read to, by being surrounded by the written word, by playing games and asking questions and being curious? NOT because you turned 4 (or 5 or 6 or whatever age schools these days are trumpeting as the ‘right’ age to start) and having it proclaimed to you, “Okay, time to learn to read!!”
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You may think it’s unfair of me to compare movies with reading. One’s a necessity, you’re thinking, and the other is mere entertainment. I disagree. Both are forms of conveying information and telling stories. Reading is an invaluable and important skill to develop, absolutely. Reading opens up many doors, and makes us able to learn about anything that we desire, yes. Reading helps us navigate through the world, and allows us to better understand what is happening around us, of course. But if life is to be lived (and heck yeah, LIFE IS TO BE LIVED) equally important is beauty… whether it comes from movies or books or poetry or dance. Enjoying life is important. Having passion for something is important. And a great way to make sure that your child does NOT have passion for something – at least the positive kind – is by forcing them to do it against their will.
I recently received an email from a friend (a friend who I’ve long suspected is an unschooler at heart, even though her daughter currently attends school). She told me about her daughter, a little seven year old, the same age as my Everett. She’s a girl who loved to read, and who’d often steal away to her favorite corners of the house to curl up with a book. She then started second grade, where it was required as part of her homework that she read out loud for ten minutes every day. In a matter of weeks, this little girl completely lost her love of reading, and instead began to dread it. This from a child who actually liked to read! What about the kids who are still learning, or who are focusing on other skills, or who just aren’t ready? Pushing them is going to, well, do just that: push them further away. It’s not going to help them appreciate reading, and it’s certainly not going to instill a love for the process.
Too many traditional schools are focusing more and more on ‘academics’, and at a younger and younger age. They want kids to love reading so they…. try to force it? They’re going in the wrong direction. Kids needs to PLAY, but because of increased pressures to ready them for standardized tests and college and SATS, there’s no time for play. No time for recess, or art, or music, or gym. They must learn to read! And they’re going to enjoy it, dammit!
The ironic part to me is that the system as it stands clearly isn’t working. Albert Einstein said that the definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” This is even worse than that though, because it’s taking that same thing over and over and doing more of it. More pressure. More structure. More homework. More testing. Meanwhile, more kids are depressed, angry, burnt out, exhausted, bullying others, getting bullied themselves, and getting put on all kinds of psychotropic drugs. I can’t be the only one who sees that there’s a problem here.
Want your children to love reading? Let them see that YOU love it. Share with them. Help them. Support them. Want your children to love learning? Let them know that it’s not a chore, or a burden, or a headache… but simply what we humans do. Let them see that learning is all around them, and not something that happens at certain hours in certain places. Want your children to be happy? Let them be children. Let them run and play and mess up and touch things and taste things and try things.
Let them know that life is about joy and freedom and choices, not about getting forced into someone else’s boxes.
Filed under learning, reading, school, unschooling
Making Peace with a Schedule
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A few weeks ago, I got an email from someone looking to flesh out the concept of unschooling a little more. One of her (paraphrased) questions was “Do you ever feel like you’re just spinning your wheels, and/or putting out fires all day?”
My answer: Yes. And when I notice it’s happening frequently, I know it’s time for something to change. More specifically, I know it’s time for me to make a change. It’s not a good thing for me OR the kids if I’m scattered all day, flitting here and there and not really present for any of it. Unschooling shouldn’t be about reacting, but about being there, right there in the moment.
Since getting all renewed and re-inspired at the conference, I have sadly realized that I really have been doing all too much wheel-spinning lately. Further, I’ve realized that I have done the same exact thing when each of my boys was Tegan’s age (3) as well. When my kids are around 3 – not quite babies anymore – I sort of have a little life crisis. They are more independent, and playing on their own more often, and needing me in very different ways than before. I start to feel that itch of wanting to take on a new hobby, or start a new business, or devote some time to a certain passion. The difference this time though is that when the boys were her age, I was either about to have another baby, or I’d just had one. So the feelings would go away, and I’d happily immerse myself once again in diapers and onesies and dimpled elbows and chubby feet and sweet smelling baby heads. This time there is no pregnancy and there is no new baby. Which is in turns heartbreakingly sad, and strangely exciting.
Lately my heightened crisis has caused me to become suddenly interested in 20,000 different things. And of course I still want to be present for my kids, and fully invested in unschooling and hands-on parenting. I want to figure out this whole “homemaker” thing, and make (and keep) a nice home for my family. I also want to have some time for myself, and some time for blogging, and some time for pursuing my own interests. As a result, I’m sorry to say, I feel I’ve been only a little bit good at all of the above. I’ve also been anxious about the new season, which is suddenly thrusting us from having zero standing weekly plans to having basketball, gymnastics, scouts, church, and bible study meetings.
And so, I’ve decided to get organized and make a plan. Instead of a zillion personal pursuits, at the moment I’m going to focus on one. And you’re reading it. This blog is my fifth baby, my heart, and my soul. I don’t know what is going to happen in the future, but for right now, this is what I need to be doing. I need to be doing it so badly that I actually made myself a schedule.
I’m not a big schedule person (in fact I sort of hate them with a passion), but I also know that they work really, really well for me. They help me focus on what I’m supposed to be focusing on, and they help my scattered brain get a little less scattered.
Here then, is my – always flexible, always subject to change – schedule:
Morning: Coffee, emails, empty the dishwasher
Rest of the day into the afternoon: Leave the computer alone (instead of checking emails/Facebook in 2 or 3 minute little bursts all the live long day). Be present and focused and available for the kids…. for playing, for projects, for questions, for reading, for talking, for hanging out.
2:00-4:00ish (still working on this): Take time for myself to blog, answer emails and comments, and work on other writing-related stuff, without feeling guilty about it.
4:30 Pick up our messes for the day to get ready for the evening
5:00 till whenever we go to bed: Dinner, dishes, activities, television, playing, and hanging out (and maybe I’ll check emails and Facebook somewhere in there too 
).
The idea is that when I’m with the kids, I’m WITH them. When I’m doing something for me, I’m doing something for me. And so on. It’s still very much an experiment, because honestly, it’s something I’ve never really tried before. I had grand plans to start it yesterday, but instead had an unexpected (and welcome) outing with friends we haven’t seen for 3 months.
So we started it today. I did pretty well with ignoring my computer until 2:00, although I’m thinking I’m not so great with the cold turkey thing. The kids were all 100% on board with giving me my time at 2:00… but I spent 10 minutes of it in the tub with the girl, and another 5 explaining to the 14 year old about researching “completed” listings on Ebay to help price something he wanted to sell… both of which were momentarily more important than my own needs. At the time of this writing, it is 3:00, and all four kids have settled into a happy, comfortable groove. I’ll commit myself to giving it an honest try, and a fair amount of time, and we’ll see what it brings. I’m kind of excited at the prospect though, even if it means some adjustment, for all involved.
If you’re a stay-at-home parent, do you have some sort of schedule for your day? How does it work for you?
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