This picture just came through my Facebook newsfeed. I’ve seen it before, but this time it hit different. It might just have something to do with the fact that the person who shared it had also recently tried to shame me for getting the COVID vaccine. Regardless, it prickled.

Memes, or shirts, as the case may be, that try to influence others by shaming them never do anything more than steep in their own celebratory self congratulation. The wearer gets to feel superior in their “healthy diet and exercise with regular chiropractic care and superior nutritional supplements” while looking down on, and making assumptions about, those who take medications.

Medications, by the way, are taken by all kinds of people, for all kinds of reasons, even among those who eat that elusive “healthy” diet. It is unfair and ableist to assume that if someone needs a medication they must be doing something wrong. Medications exist to help people. Medications save lives.

Are they overprescribed? Sure. Are they sometimes unnecessary? Of course. Can they occasionally be discontinued if lifestyle changes are made? Yes. But none of that changes the fact that 1) They are sometimes crucial to a person’s health and well-being, and 2) We have NO IDEA why someone takes a medication or what their personal health records look like. None. That is between them and their doctor, and it is both ignorant and arrogant to think otherwise.

I have never made any secret of the fact that I take mental health medications. At the time of this writing I take two regulaly, and one as a PRN. I need them. And I say that with no shame and no disclaimers. It’s not an exaggeration to say that I would not be alive without them. If someone wants to shame me for that, that’s their prerogative, and it’s on them, not me.

The problem with photos like this one is that they’re trying to take down an entire collective of people, people that we know nothing about. It’s unfair, and it’s unkind.

If you eat a healthy diet (and it stands to be said, the word “healthy” is one of the most subjective words on the planet), and exercise, and see a chiropractor, and take superior supplements, great! Truly. Good for you. And if you don’t need any medications, even better. But looking down on those who live a different lifestyle isn’t going to do what you think it will. It won’t motivate, and it won’t inspire. Making assumptions never helped anyone, either.

People are fighting all kinds of battles we know nothing about. People are all on individual journeys. There are a million reasons why someone might be on a medication, and a million reasons why someone may or may not be eating or exercising or supplementing the way you deem “right.”

Life is hard. Go easy.

Last week, Demi Lovato posted a video on their Instagram, in which they came out as nonbinary, and stated that they would be using the pronouns they/them.

The internet definitely had opinions. This is mine.

First, I think it’s useful to talk about the word “nonbinary” and what it even means. This is my own clumsy definition, but please! feel free to correct me if I haven’t gotten it exactly right. To be nonbinary (when it comes to gender) is to feel that you don’t fit into the traditional boxes of “male” or “female”, but rather into something that is more fluid…. whether that means something in between, something entirely different, or something that vacillates between the two. I don’t know how it feels to be nonbinary, because I’ve never felt anything other than female. I’ve always been on the “tomboy” side of female, but a female nonetheless.

Here’s the thing though. I don’t have to understand in order to be respectful of someone else. It literally costs me nothing to give someone else the gift of being seen, of being heard, of being valued for who they are, and not unfairly and incorrectly being put into a box of my own choosing. Calling someone they/them? It’s a small ask with a huge impact.

A lot of people want to argue that they and them make no sense because they are plural*, and an individual person is singular. Full confession: I used to be one of them. I did my best to use it if it was requested, but the grammar snob in me bristled.

I got over it.

We use they/them pronouns in the singular all the time. (ie: “Someone left their cell phone on the table.”) Second, even if they usually are used plurally, so what? Language evolves, words evolve, LIFE evolves. I see people fretting about “what’s happening to the world today”, but this is not something new. Nonbinary people have always existed. It’s just that they’ve only recently been given a voice, and a way to express themselves to the world. And how can that be anything but a good thing?

We all want to be accepted for who we are. Using someone’s correct and preferred pronouns is a simple step to take to start making that happen.

But why should we change what we call Demi Lovato? They’re never going to hear us talking about them, so what does it matter? Yes, Demi Lovato is never going to hear me talking about them. Demi Lovato is not going to read this blog post and give me points for getting it right. But it matters. If for no other reason, because while it’s Demi Lovato today, it might very well be someone who can hear you next time. It might be your sibling, or your friend, or your neighbor, or your mail carrier. I found out just a few days ago that a good friend of mine accepted she/her, but that they preferred they/them. I’d had no idea. Now that I know, I can do better.

And it feels hard sometimes, right? As humans, we get used to things. We get set in our ways. Our verbiage becomes habitual. But it’s worth the effort. People are always worth the effort. Although it might take some getting used to (and some getting it wrong and having to correct yourself), at the end of the day it is a simple thing to do to make someone feel more visible, and more respected.

I don’t know why people are upset about Demi Lovato, I really don’t. Demi Lovato and Sam Smith and other nonbinary and/or gender fluid celebrities just want what the rest of us want:

To be seen.

To be heard.

To be accepted for who we are and how we show up in the world.

Using correct pronouns won’t achieve that on its own, but it’s a damn good place to start.

*(xe, ze, sie, co, and ey are a few singular pronouns that some nonbinary people use, but I don’t personally know anyone who uses them.)