Shelter – (v) To place under cover. To protect.
Several weeks ago, I posted a call for people to share the most common myths and misconceptions they hear about homeschooling. That pesky lack of socialization was of course the first thing mentioned, but the list eventually grew. One thing that was offered was the objection that home schooled kids are “too sheltered” and it’s one I forgot about until I saw it in my drafts folder this morning.
Too sheltered.
First, I’d like to point out that strictly per the definition up above, we should want to shelter our children. As parents, it’s our job to shelter our children. There are a myriad of circumstances in which we need to protect them, keep them safe, and place them under cover.
But I’m aware that that’s not what people mean when they raise this objection… they mean overly protected, and overly sheltered. They mean kids who are raised in one tiny little sealed bubble, kids who are not able to venture out of said bubble, and kids who are missing out on the big wide world.
Now, I can’t pretend to know why everyone chooses to homeschool. But I do know, with absolute certainly, that my decision to keep them out of school was based on the exact opposite premise of wanting to make their world smaller.
I keep my kids out of school in part because I want to make their lives bigger, not smaller. I keep them out of school because I want to give them more freedom, not less. Freedom to explore, and learn from, the whole world. Freedom to choose who they do – and do not – spend their days with. Freedom to discover where, when, and how they learn best. Freedom to talk with us about what they do and do not want to be exposed to. I try to never make knee-jerk, unilateral decisions (ie: no, you can’t watch that movie because it’s rated R) but rather let each individual child be my guide. It hasn’t failed me yet. When my children are interested in specific ideas, plans, and experiences, we try to find a way to make it happen.
But surely, they’re sheltered from something by not being in school? Well, yes. They’re sheltered from the painful dread that comes with having to go to school every day when you’re being bullied, or teased by your “friends”, or unfairly singled out by a teacher. They’re sheltered from being required to sit through a class, or a semester, or an entire year of teachings that are not applicable to them, or are not in line with their own personal value system. They’re sheltered from spending all day, every day, in an environment that might not be best for them, in a multitude of ways. They’re sheltered from not being able to have any say in the people, places, and things from which they learn.
I surely make no apologies for sheltering them from any of the above.
Interestingly, when I went to dictionary.com for the above definition, I saw this sentence as an example of its usage:
Parents should not try to shelter their children from normal childhood disappointments.
This is something I see a lot. Similarly, I hear a lot of people say that kids need to go to school because they need to learn to deal with things like bullies.
Am I the only one who finds this an odd – and sad – justification against home schooling? First, I’m not really sure what “normal” childhood disappointments are, but life provides plenty of those on its own. Life’s sometimes bumpy. While I would love to be able to protect my children from all of life’s disappointments, I can not. Home schooled or not, sheltered or not, they know disappointment. It seems completely illogical (not to mention cruel) to actually make a point of ensuring that they experience their fair share, and ensuring that they experience more than what life will naturally give them.
As to bullies… Bullying is no joke, especially in this day and age of the internet, cell phones, and Facebook. I remember the pain of being bullied well, and I can’t even imagine what it’s like today. My being humiliated in front of a group of five girls, or even the whole lunchroom, is surely nothing compared to being humiliated in front of the whole school. Or a group of schools. Or an entire internet community. All it takes these days is one click of a “send” button. Bullying is a real and serious problem, one that’s contributing to the loss of self-esteem, loss of confidence, and loss of LIFE. Bullying is breaking children, all over the country, and in no way could I ever be convinced that that could be a good thing, or a necessary thing, or a rite of passage.
My kids have been disappointed, and my kids have encountered bullies: On the playground, at homeschool groups, in baseball, at Cub Scouts, on field trips. And they’ve handled themselves just fine, without ever having been subjected to the day in/day out torture that some children have to endure.
They are confident, and they are self-assured… despite their lifetime of being sheltered.
(your comments) First, I’m not really sure what “normal” childhood disappointments are, but life provides plenty of those on its own.
Maybe you’re being facetious, but I think that normal childhood disappointments are the ones that come up naturally from interacting with people and situations in the world that are beyond our control. Like not being the number one student on the test, or maybe getting a C on an assignment when all our friends got A’s. The rejection by a girl when you try to talk to her because you want to ask her out. Looking a little dumb in the hallway around the cool kids. These are school situations. But these occurrences can happen at the adult level too when you work in a large company. But they may not happen if you are working in a home-based business.
To me, this is about normal socialization of an individual. Normal being, out there, with everyone else.
In Japan, because I worked in Tokyo several years ago, I was introduced to how Japanese teachers allow a certain amount of bullying, and nearly stand by and watch. Because of how their group oriented culture works, it’s normal for kids who aren’t in line with the group to be bullied to an extent so that they get in line with the group. Now despite what westerners think of that style of social structure, the bullying teaches people about strength, in the case of Japan, conformity. In the case of westerners, bullying may bring out the strength of individuals or of support groups. It’s a jungle rule kind of thing.
It probably sounds strange that someone would support bullying, and I’m not. Only to the extent that it may teach kids about alliances and such. But I am trying to say that stuff happens in life… the bully, the rejection, the job loss, the co-workers that don’t like you, or whatever. What do we DO? We conform. We retaliate. We ignore. We become stronger.
I think these are normal engagements with the real world that WON’T happen if we live on an island.
“I think these are normal engagements with the real world that WON’T happen if we live on an island.”
well, I am certainly thrilled to be living on my island then!!!
To each his own. But there can be much said about the fact that challenges we as individuals face are what build our courage, strengthen us from within, and which spur us to grow.
Just because her kids are home schooled does not mean that they do not experience bullying, heartbreak, interpersonal conflict, struggles with friendship. Your post is correct but your assumption behind it is ignorant. Kids who are home schooled properly have very similar experiences as most kids. I wasn’t home schooled but I know many who were and they can handle tense social situations better than most. Don’t let the socially awkward minority of homeschoolers speak for all. I like what home schooling does for kids and I have seen how normal schooling can absolutely destroy the self-esteem and self-efficiency of a kid.
Thank you for your comments. Which assumption behind my post is ignorant? My sister’s children were home-schooled and many issues abound. Certainly I’m not making a blanket statement that it does every kid harm. I’m saying that the public world for children and adults is full of experiences that challenge us and help us grow inside.
I was homeschooled my entire life and now as a 25 year old I can tell you that at times I felt awkward in certain situations, but I also learned that that was NOT normal and I needed to get over my own shyness. I know for a fact that if I was socialized in “normal” society I would not be a leader. I would be a follower. I wouldn’t be a banker, I would be smoking weed and working in one of the many manual labor/construction jobs(nothing wrong with those jobs, but I could not do one long term for health reasons). I know this because it has been the history of that town and all of my friends I grew up with that weren’t homeschooled live that lifestyle (on a side note my friends that were homeschooled, but their best friends weren’t also live that lifestyle). Thank God my parents sheltered me. Now I’m the president of a non-profit and no one ever guesses that I was homeschooled. So I guess my point is that if you’re going to homeschool make sure you don’t waste your time making sure they get good grades or are making friends. Teach them something the public school system doesn’t want taught, leadership. Tech then to be a leader and they will figure the rest out, because that’s what leaders do.
“In Japan, because I worked in Tokyo several years ago, I was introduced to how Japanese teachers allow a certain amount of bullying, and nearly stand by and watch. Because of how their group oriented culture works, it’s normal for kids who aren’t in line with the group to be bullied to an extent so that they get in line with the group. Now despite what westerners think of that style of social structure, the bullying teaches people about strength, in the case of Japan, conformity. In the case of westerners, bullying may bring out the strength of individuals or of support groups. It’s a jungle rule kind of thing. ”
Japan also has the highest teen suicide rates of all first rate countries. While my daughter is currently using a Japanese curriculum for math, I would not consider them superior to other countries when it comes to education. Their methods aren’t the only way to highly educate young minds either. Did you know much of Scandinavia has some of the high graduation rates and scores, but the children there don’t even start school until they are seven?
“My sister’s children were home-schooled and many issues abound. Certainly I’m not making a blanket statement that it does every kid harm. I’m saying that the public world for children and adults is full of experiences that challenge us and help us grow inside.”
But you are. Go back and re-read what you wrote in your first post.
Any path can be full of experiences—homeschool, private, or public. It really depends on how the parents are navigating it with their kids (and luck helps). There are many excellent public schools in the United States, but there are quite a few that are actually dangerous for kids to be attending (and I literally mean DANGEROUS).
Then there are situations where families find that homeschooling simply works better for them—just as there are some who find their public schools are a good fit. It depends on the children, the parents, and their environment (this includes the schools). I will never trash a family for choosing one path or another, but it does sadden me to see people make generalizations when life and choices people have available these days can be so infinite.
To each his own. But there can be much said about the fact that challenges we as individuals face are what build our courage, strengthen us from within, and which spur us to grow.
Eric, I was a pretty awkward and unhappy child too, but I went to 8-9 different public schools. Do I blame public schools? Absolutely not. It was pretty much a mixture of being an intense kid and having lousy parents (they really were, but I am a happy adult now). Some kids are better off in school—especially if they come from dysfunctional families. That said, public school is not a good environment for everyone, and homeschooling can be very beneficial if both the parents and children are on board and do it for the right reasons—meaning they aren’t trying to cut their child off from society and are actually TEACHING their kids. I’ve met parents who don’t (either they are heavily/cultishly religious or just plain lazy), and they are in the minority for homeschool families these days. The internet has made it a lot easier to find ways for a child to have friends and be involved in activities out of the home, and those who choose to homechool are a lot more easy-going folks (religious or not).
John,
My daughter faces plenty of challenges. She deals with them as well, or better than other children who are her age. We chose to homeschool mainly because she reads and writes 2-3 years above her grade level, and while our public school is awesome for most kid their gifted program is non-existant. This was not an easy choice for us. Four teacher friends, our daughter’s preschool teacher encouraged, and our state’s Director for Gifted Education encouraged us down this path. Luckily, I knew a few wonderful homeschool families in my parenting group who helped show me the ropes.
My daughter is a very happy and well-adjusted young lady who has no interest in going to public to relearn things that she knew when she was 2.5-3. She has about 20-some friends from public, home, and private school (I am not making this up). All of her friends are welll-adjusted—including her homeschool friends.
If your sister and her children have issues it may be that homeschooling is not a good fit for them (like I said, some children need to be in school), it’s possible she is having a rough year with her kids (like public school kids, homeschoolers can have a tough time), or it’s possible you are judging them unfairly as my inlaws did to my husband’s cousin. She had to homeschool her kids, because where they live in North Carolina has horrible, horrible schools (lots of gun violence—no support for kids who do well with their education or are special needs).
Her son, by the way, proved to everyone they were wrong last summer. He has grown into a happy and well-adjusted young man who graduated high school and got a scholarship when he was only 16. My inlaws—who were predicting doom and gloom for my husband’s cousin—are now thankful she homeschooled her children, and they are staunch supporters of our choice to homeschool our daughter.
Thank you so much, Jen! This was a lovely blog post. I think a lot of the people who argue against homeschooling for the argument “Parents should not try to shelter their children from normal childhood disappointments” are of the same mentality that crying it out is great for babies. Neither is true. While it’s important not to spoil and shelter a child—neither of those things necessarily happens when you homeschool a kid—unless you are predisposed to sheltering/spoiling your child to begin with and schooling won’t necessarily change that.