Johnny* is an 8-year-old boy in Everett’s Cub Scout den. (*I changed his name) I’ll be totally honest when I say that my first few impressions of Johnny were not positive ones. Johnny is the kid that is continually interrupting the leader, talking over the other kids, disrupting the meetings, and running around when he’s supposed to be sitting. Johnny is the kid who’s reprimanded not once, not twice, but multiple times during Scout activities… during EVERY Scout activity. He’s the one who, when your own Scout is trying to ask or answer a question, is both literally and figuratively in his face, frustrating you, your son, and the leader all in equal measure. Johnny is the one who just. can’t. sit. still. even for minute. He’s the one who’s always ready with a lengthy comment, answer, joke, or story, and seems to have little regard for the time or the place. He’s the proverbial square peg that doesn’t quite fit into the round hole.
I’m pretty sure we all know a Johnny. Or have a Johnny. Or ARE a Johnny. And my concern for the Johnnies of the world is that they will be dismissed simply because they are misunderstood. That their spirits will be squashed simply because they are different. That they will be left behind simply because they do not follow the societal norms. That they will be mistreated simply because someone doesn’t know what on earth to do with them. That they will be judged – as I, sadly, prematurely judged this boy – simply because their behavior feels so overwhelming.
Well, let me tell you what I have since learned about Johnny:
He is smart. Not just smart, but incredibly and brilliantly intelligent. This is a kid that does not miss a single beat. When I finally started listening to his words instead of just being frustrated by his interruptions, I realized that this was a kid who 1) had a wealth of information, and 2) really wanted to share it.
He is determined. What an indomitable spirit this kid has!! Whenever he is reprimanded – which is often – he just keeps right on going being himself, pursuing his cause, and following his own path. Under the right circumstances, that is a HUGELY positive attribute, and one that we could all learn from.
He is passionate. It took me a while to notice this as well, but he is almost always smiling. He’s happy. He’s excited. He’s energetic. He’s so fully present in the moment that his enthusiasm just bubbles out of him, and he doesn’t seem to know what to do with it all.
He is kind. He’s not interrupting or running around or goofing off to be rude or disrespectful. He is actually a very sweet kid, as evidenced by the quieter one-on-one moments I’ve witnessed with the other kids, including my own son. In fact just this morning when Everett got out of the car for a field trip, he’s the first one who greeted him. He was ready with that quick smile of his, as well as an offered-up piece of trivia about a Navy ship.
I’m still frustrated when I watch Johnny at Cub Scouts, but it’s for an entirely different reason now. Yes, he’s disruptive. Yes, he makes things difficult for the leader, the other kids, and the other parents. And yes, there’s a certain amount of appropriate behavior that is not being met. Absolutely. But I can’t help but feel an almost overwhelming compassion for this kid. I can’t help but wonder what needs to be done for him to be able to shine… to able to channel all that energy, all that creativity, all that knowledge in a positive way. I can’t help but feel sadness as I realize, again and again, that the only attention that this kid is getting (at least when I’m around him) is negative. That the only words directed his way are “Johnny, sit down. Johnny, pay attention. Johnny, not now. Johnny, it’s time to listen. JOHNNY!! SHHHHH!”
I see kids like this, and I think of the Einsteins and the Edisons and the Speilbergs of the world… the ones who didn’t “behave”. The ones who were the rebels, and the misfits, and the free-thinkers who, despite all the reprimands, ended up making huge, life-changing contributions to society. I see kids like this and I hope and I pray that they too can find their place, find that path where they can soar, where they can not be just accepted but embraced. I hope and pray that they can live the lives they were created to live, without that spirit – that strong, strong spirit – crushed out of them.
I don’t know what the answer is for Johnny. I don’t. Of course that ever-present gut-reaction is there, the one that silently screams out, “He needs to be unschooled!” But I know that I can’t make that decision for someone else. I know that unschooling, or even homeschooling, is not the answer for every parent, or for every family. I know that. But I also know that something needs to be done, not just for Johnny, but for all children.
Our current system is broken. And while I can’t really fix it, I can start by measuring how I treat my own children. I can start by measuring how I treat Johnny. I can start by being kind to him. By smiling at him. By encouraging him. By telling him through my words and my actions that he is an awesome and worthwhile person… not in spite of his energy and his stories and his enthusiasm, but because of them.
I like this piece so much! You are saying some very important things here.
A couple of my children are bundles of high energy – loud and messy, LOL.
I feel like I’m saying “calm down” or “schhh not so loud” much, much more than I would like actually. I’d so love to be able to let them just bounce around and do their thing, but fact is, it does disturb and the noise and activity level quickly gets too intense (the baby will start screaming or they will turn the living room upside down in 2sec…) Do you have any pratical ideas for how to balance all that with several siblings? Thanks 🙂
Thanks Maria! And yes, balancing the noise, activity, etc with multiple kids is…. a challenge sometimes. 🙂 For my house, I found the biggest thing was to pay attention to each individual’s tolerance and personality. For example, most days my 3 and 7 year old can be loud together all day long, and never tire of it. My 11 year old, however, is like me…. he’s an introvert who really needs time alone to regroup. So I try to make sure we both get that somehow. My 14 year old can swing between both extremes: being the loud one himself, to being sensed out by too much noise. My husband has more trouble with a ton of noise than I do generally, so I have to be conscious and respectful of that too, *without* feeling like I’m squashing the kids’ creativity, etc. Definitely a constant balance. 🙂
I went to kindergarten with a “Johnny” and I had a teacher who handled him brilliantly, even though I only recently realized it.
Aaron was always loud, always disruptive, always doing the wrong thing at the wrong time. I recall a day where we had to color these big scarecrows for a fall project. My scarecrow was orange, brown and yellow – good scarecrow colors. It looked like everyone else’s, except Aaron’s. Aaron’s was purple, green, red, blue – a rainbow of colors you don’t ever associate with fall. The teacher praised Aaron for his creativity, for thinking outside of the norm, and for doing his own thing even though everyone else did something else. It frustrated me beyond belief at the time, but now I see the beauty in what she said.
That teacher really got it.
What an awesome teacher!! I too, have new respect for certain teachers only after looking back on my experiences now that I’m adult with children of my own.
This so could have been written about my son! It’s not is it? No no we have never met, but it is totally describing my son. Here is a story that happened to us just to give you a mom’s perspective in dealing with a child like this. Are church has the 1-5th graders in a separate service, but this particular Sunday they were to be with their parents. So my oldest a 13 yr old boy, my middle who is 9 and like the boy in the post, and myself set together to enjoy church. I thought overall he was great! He moved around a lot, but all in all he kept his questions fairly quiet and they were all related to what was going on. The man sitting next to my son seemed to be ok and at one point I could tell he got a little frustrated with my son, but only because when he smiled at him my son did not return the smile. After that he told him to put his feet down several times and a few various other things. At the end of the service he hands me a folded up piece of paper and tells me to read it when I get home. Being that we are Church of God spirit filled people I feel sure he has some amazing word from God and I am excited to see what he wrote! I of course do not wait until I get home and I read it in the car. It says “spare the rod spoil the child”…………….. I can not even explain to you how angry I was at this man. He was judging my child without having any knowledge of who he was. I sent his wife a email on facebook explaining that our son was diagnosed with ADHD and that we had recently taken him off his medication because of some pretty big problems with two different types. I told her that I had also just withdrawn him from school because after meeting with the special ed teacher, school psychologist, counselor, and teacher about getting an IEP for him that it was in our best interest for me to homeschool him. I told her all this in hopes she would tell her husband to not simply judge someone and offer “advice”. I also told her that I have spanked my child and that one I have found with him it does not work because he simply can not control himself and two he didn’t nothing to warrant being spanked that day. I also pointed out to her that I have been sitting next to them for several weeks and my oldest son always sits with and he has never caused any sort of commotion which shows it is obviously not a parenting issue.
Ok so that is a really long post! I thank you for taking the time to get to know ” Johnny”, but I can tell you even more that his mother appreciates it.
Thank you for sharing your story, and I am SO sorry that that man wrote you that note! I cannot imagine, and I don’t blame you for being upset!!
When we were at church on Christmas Eve, we had all the kids with us (ordinarily the younger ones are in kids’ church, but the Christmas Eve service was for the whole family) My 3 year old was being… well, three… and dancing around, wiggling, talking, etc etc. and ended up accidentally bumping the woman’s chair in front of us a few times. When the service was over I told her I hoped that she didn’t disrupt her service too much, and she just smiled and said something to the effect of, “Oh no, not at all, I’m a parent too. :)” … which is exactly how I would have responded if the situation had been reversed. Kids are kids! Some are naturally quieter, louder, more fidgety, etc. It doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with them, and it certainly doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with their parents.
I’ve found that when my kids are misunderstood, as this child is being misunderstood, having an adult discreetly translate what is happening to the other adults makes a world of difference. As a teacher I would often give these kids jobs that utilized their intelligence and energy during down times when others were sitting quietly. I’m glad you’ve been able to see past the distraction and into his brilliance. Having a grown up who *gets* you is very powerful for a kid.
Amy, another teacher friend of mine said the exact same thing: that she would give them jobs to do 🙂 It’s so encouraging to know that there are people out there who take into consideration the fact that there are all different types of people, personalities, ways of learning, etc.
Great insight Jen. I have so much compassion for the “Johnny’s” in my life as well. And there is a push-pull within myself as I experience utter exasperation as well as deep compassion. I know that Johnny has SO MUCH to share with this world and I hope that he will encounter people (maybe only one) who will SEE him and delight in him and as you put it, help him SOAR.
Thanks Lys, and yes, there is definitely that internal push-pull!
Unfortunately, I believe many of these children will turn to drugs and alcohol as they get older to decrease their anxious behavior and numb their feelings from years of being told to “be quiet,” “sit down,” and “stop that.” I’m glad that you and your son see the positive aspects in this little boy.
I think you’re right 🙁 which is exactly why I think it’s so important that we help encourage these kids and their educators/caregivers!
Thank you for writing this. You described my son to a “T”. He is now 19 living on his own and has not had his spirit broken (although sometimes he almost broke his parents in the process). We felt the need to home/un school him from a very young age; so he could play and learn.
I had parent ask me not to have him play with their kids because “our kids get hurt following him.” I often found this to be a sad commentary on their kids inability to know their own personal boundaries because they were not allowed to experiment. Either way it hurt, mostly me, because my son seem to be unaware. He was happy to play with anyone, anytime, anywhere but he had a hard time making long term friends because he is/was different.
I wish there had been individuals in his life growing up (other than his parents) that like you, took the time to see him for who he really is/was and cherish that. I know he is stronger for what he went through, but like you I know that home/un schooling was the only answer to give him the opportunity to be what God created him to be.
He is good, kind, intelligent, passionate, and a hard worker. I am so glad that he is his own person to this day.
As to working with multiple children who are high energy, I can offer only one word: Pray.
We prayed about what to do, how to handle our 3 kids and their interactions with each other and the world. You can never go wrong following God. He will give you the answers you need on a daily or hourly basis so that you can be and do your best no matter how imperfect. You may want to consider homeschooling seriously if you want these children to have a chance at being happy adults. Prayer will help you there too. You do not need to know everything, you can mentor your children through their education.
Thanks for this, Nan. Your son sounds like a lovely person, and he is so blessed to have you in his corner!!
Such a compassionate post ~finding that hidden treasure – it’s always there if we just look for it!
Always! And thank you.
Beautifully stated.
Thanks, Carol!
Awesome post. My suggestion is to get involved with the Cub pack and help out. That way not only will Johnny get Positive reinforcement you will be there to enjoy him and be able to give him the one-on-one attention that he obviously needs. Secondly from what you said it is likely that Johnny is on the Autism Spectrum. Likely Aspergers Syndrome. I have a coule kids on the spectrum and know others so…what you say completely rings true of these children, these people in general. Most of all enjoy Johnny. He sounds like an amazing kid and with the right supports Scouting will be wonderful for him. I have been involved in Scouts Canada for 11 years with my 3 children and husband. We have worked up through the sections right from the beginning and love Scouting and the difference it makes to kids, especially with the right leaders is wonderful.
Very sound advice, thank you! While we go to all the functions, meetings, etc, I have resisted getting too involved (beyond helping/supporting our own kids) I think just because it all feels a little overwhelming to me. Helping kids like Johnny may just be the catalyst to making me get out of my comfort zone a little more.
Thank you so much for writing this- it’s a subject that needs much more attention.
From the moment I started reading this post, I was saying to myself ‘I bet that child is gifted.’ The disruptive child is so often the child whose intellectual needs are not being met, and whose social skills are out of step with his cognitive development.
If you’re interested in finding out more about how to help and understand kids like this, I’ve written a blog post (aimed at preschoolers, but much of the advice and insight is transferable) which you can find here: http://auntannieschildcare.blogspot.com/2010/12/challenge-of-gifted-children-in.html
I have a lot of experience in this field, as the parent of a gifted child and the teacher of countless gifted adolescents. It’s not all doom and gloom, but there’s a LOT of ignorance out there about how to develop a respectful relationship with these children.
Thanks again for your kindness and positive attitude to this child in need.
Thank you, and I am heading over to read your post right now. 🙂
I so love it:) I think I have a little Jonhny girl:) 🙂 🙂 It is so nice to be reminded to treat her with respect she deserves.
Enjoy her! 🙂
Thank you for this! I have a Johnny and I have a hard time knowing how to support that passion when it’s driving me nuts. 🙂 I love her dearly, but we are very different and I don’t always know what to do! I do unschool her because I don’t want school to destroy her (plus I just don’t like school)…but I don’t want to destroy her either. Your post about “those” days also hit home. “Those” days are usually the days where her spirit overwhelms me. I know it’s on me to figure it out. But there are days….many days…where I just don’t know how. This is encouraging though. Maybe on those days I need to write a list of all the wonderful things about her spirit instead of focusing on the overwhelm.
Summer, one of the reasons I keep this blog is a reminder to *myself* to focus on the positive on those hard days. 🙂 I have a Johnny too, and I remind him, and myself, often about the wonderful, awesome, amazing things that come with being him. There’s a reason all these kids were created the way that they were, and that we were picked to be their moms. <3