raw

There’s a scene in the movie, Mean Girls, that’s been on a continuous loop in my head (Mean Girls, by the way, is a movie you should immediately watch when you’re done reading this. One of the most ridiculous and quotable cult classics ever). In this one scene, the guidance counselor is doing a team-building exercise with all the girls in the school, and they’re taking turns getting up onto the stage in the gym, apologizing publicly for something, then trust-falling into the arms of the crowd below. This one girl gets up, in tears, and says:

“I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school… I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy…”

Someone yells from behind the crowd, “She doesn’t even go to this school!”

And when asked if she does attend, the girl responds through her tears,

“No…. I just have a lot of feelings…”

mean-girls-feelings

It’s of course played to be funny, and it was funny… but it also kind of breaks my heart a little. Because I AM the girl with all the feelings. Mike and I will often joke that one of the things that makes our marriage work is that we’re opposite but complimentary extremes in so many ways.

He has no feelings. I have ALL the feelings. Sometimes Often Pretty much all the time, I walk through life as one big, weeping, bleeding feeling.    And often my grasp on not drowning on said feelings is… tenuous.

It’s a great paradox to me as a writer, because so very much of who I am comes from that same, raw, tender spot in my heart.  The part of me that makes me creative, that allows me to share, that enables me to use words to paint pictures is the same part that makes me so, so sensitive to the fallout.  The same part that makes sharing so painful and vulnerable in the first place.  Sometimes it just doesn’t seem fair that I seem to so badly need to share myself in some way, and at the same time have such difficulty dealing with what comes along with it.

I want to pull down my blog (along with my personal online presence) at least once a week.  I know when I’m headed for protective, breakdown mode when that desire starts to get more frequent.  Lately, I’ve been wanting to do it approximately 17 times a day.  I’ve not been in a good place emotionally, and coupled with not sleeping, the simplest of negative online interactions are making me unravel.

Yesterday I was the recipient of some unkindness from someone I went to church with about a hundred years ago.  I entered into a highly charged topic of discussion on Facebook, against my better judgement, and was rewarded by having my parenting decisions and my intelligence attacked and disparaged.  The parenting attacks get me the most, because it is so very, very personal.  It’s my life’s work.  My heart.  My soul.  I’ve been a parent for 18 years, and I’m a good parent.  And coming from a fellow Christian?  Those tend to be the conversations that sting the most, because 1) I am still carrying a lot of hurt and damage from my church upbringing, and interactions like that just rip off the barely formed scab, so I’m basically walking around as an open wound that never gets the chance to heal, and 2) I still have the silly notion that we’re supposed to be… I don’t know…. nice to each other.

It just about undid me.

And when I got up this morning, after another night of tossing and turning and not having slept, and sat down at my computer to write a new post… there was nothing there.  Nothing helpful or positive or witty anyway.  Just brokenness and fatigue.  Someone once told me, one of the last times I shared a similar post, that perhaps a personal journal would be a more appropriate place for such thoughts.  Well I have a journal.  It’s a veritable uncensored stream of emotions and crazy.  But this blog is journal-like too, in that it’s streaming from the same personal, tender place.  It’s just a “tone down the crazy in case my mom reads it” (even though she doesn’t) version.

So why am I sharing?  In equal parts for myself – it’s cathartic for my weary soul to transfer it from my head to the screen – and for you, too.  I think it’s only fair that if  I share the happy and the upbeat and the positive, that I should also share the positively broken open.

I’m not going anywhere.  I’m still here.  Still writing.  Still reading your comments.

I’m just a little fragile.  And I’m the girl with all the feelings.  So if you’ve been waiting for just the right time to start following the adage, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all,” right now would be great.

And if you held your arms up and caught me when I trust-falled off the stage, that would be great too.

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21 Comments

Filed under about me, life, mental health, random

21 Responses to raw

  1. Hi Jen, I am new to homeschooling, this is my first year and I have been fallowing you to to get the courage to unschool. I too, am a walking open wound of emotion. I am thankful to you for this post because it is honest. No one is always happy or upbeat. We all have our down days. And that’s ok. We should embrace them and take the rest we need during that time. Emotionally, physically. Whatever is needed. I hope you have a great day and are able to fit in a much needed nap.

  2. Cathy Chaput

    Thank you for such a beautiful post! While I have taken away so much from your upbeat posts, I also will take away a good message from this one. We all feel down sometimes and we all have our fragile days but sometimes I feel like I’m the only one struggling with those thoughts.
    I know you’ll turn the corner and find that strength again and that reminds me that I will as well! Thank you for the work you do in spreading love to families 🙂

  3. Serenity

    Oh, Jen. This hurts my heart. I’m so sorry you were put through that. Tender hearts are vulnerable hearts, but they’re also the source of goodness and kindness and love – all the things hardened hearts cannot produce. You’re right – it leaves you open to more hurt, but it also opens you up to receiving more love and goodness. Little consolation, but I guess what I’m trying to say is that hurtful people with hard hearts deserve pity because they are emotionally colorblind. They are missing the glorious spectrum and beauty of God’s creation. They don’t get all the good stuff because they’re so busy dishing out the ugly. Focus on the beauty in your life – pet your cat, hug your children, find God in nature, and know you are loved. And you’re an AMAZING parent!

  4. mouse

    YOU are amazing … YOU have help me believe in what I am doing as a parent, as an Artist, as a home schooling family and as a woman. Thank you for speaking up, speaking out and sharing so much with the world, i wish I had your confidence and strength, but also by showing us your vulnerable side, you help me realize i am not so alone! Sending you cyber hugs from the other side of the world…

  5. Lucy

    Hi Jen, I follow quite a few facebook pages and blogs,and yours is without doubt my favourite. Its the most relevant, most meaningful blog that I have come across and has seriously changed my life for the better, I mean that.
    I’m so sorry that people can be so unkind to you and I can understand why you must want to take a break from the internet sometimes, it must be hard to share so much with people you don’t know, people who then reply with unkind words.
    Stay strong.
    Sending love
    x x x x

  6. I’m so sorry that people feel like they can attack your decisions and your words. I don’t understand that, although I do understand how painful and hurtful it is for you. I also am a big bundle of emotions, and negative comments hurt so much. Thank you for your bravery in sharing your thoughts so openly and for your incredible wisdom about parenting and children and relationships.

    • jen

      Thank you for that encouragement. I wish that you didn’t know what it felt like (it is EXHAUSTING to be swimming in emotions all the time), but it is so nice to know that I am not alone.

  7. Tamara

    So sorry Jen. I hate hatefulness in all its ugliness. I have UNfriended so many people over the years. I’m a confrontation coward so absence make my heart grow calmer. Hope you find your hiding place and get some rest. Take heart. You are one of the good things in this otherwise darkly judgemental world.

    • jen

      Thanks Tamara. And yes, I too hate confrontation. I always immediately regret it when I get embroiled in something like that. Stepping away does a LOT of good!

  8. Summer

    Hugs! It’s so hard to have all the feelings… I can’t offer words of advice. Just understanding. Sorry it’s hard! Hang in there!

  9. Katie

    i think you are wonderful, and I am thankful for what you are doing. I have learned so much from you, and I mentally reference something I have read on your blog at least once a day as I am striving to be a more respectful mommy. 🙂 thank you for sharing both the happy and the sad with us, and I am truly sorry that it can be so hard at times!

  10. Kimberly Cassidy

    Jen, The very reason I follow your blog is, everything you write reminds me of myself . This one about feelings, and that your hubby with none. Your church upbringing and experience. ect… Please know that your site has help me sooo much in my unschooling journey with my son. you posts say everything i want to say but cannot. Please ,never stop blogging,you are a staple now in my life!!!!

  11. Karen Lynne

    Jen, honestly your blog years ago was what gave me the courage to unschool, and step into gentle parenting. I remember being a bit afraid of Sandra Dodd (Ok, maybe not just a little) and finding you was like a breath of fresh air. I read everything you wrote!

    I do understand about social media tho..a while back I got hurt over someone “unfriending” me and decided to get off FB for a month. That was a year ago. Thought I would miss it, but honestly the peace, not to mention the extra time it has given me has been one of the reasons I am still not back on. I certainly understand your venting…..

  12. Bee

    Hi Jen, I just found your blog yesterday (through another blog) and I have spent half of last night and some of this morning reading through your posts. I LOVE it. I love the things you write about and the way you write about them. I love your attitude towards life, schooling, and raising children. I look forward to reading more of your inspiring posts in the future :).

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