I’m depressed.

When I say I’m depressed, I don’t mean I’m sad or down or in a funk. I mean I’m clinically depressed. I’ve been clinically depressed on and off since my twenties (You can read about my initial diagnosis of bipolar starting here.)

It’s a weird thing, depression. It lays dormant for awhile, its little tentacles still. And then, sometimes with warning and sometimes without, it comes to life again, slithering its way along your heart, your brain, your soul. Its only purpose is to provide misery. Its only mission to engulf you. And then it leaves again, its presence no more than another battle scar, another reminder that you once again crossed through the darkness.

Fortunately, I’ve gotten fairly adept at dealing with it when it comes. I can thank therapy and medication for that, along with way too much practice. But I find so much of the (well-meaning; I know it’s well-meaning) advice out there to be condescending, complicated, and sort of preachy in its nature. Put simply, it does not help me.

I think the problem is that most of the information out there is aimed at preventing depression, and/or staving off the beginnings of sadness. Things such as getting enough sleep, eating well, exercising, meditating, prayer to a higher power if you believe in one, using essential oils and other natural remedies. Etc. All good advice.

The problem is, when one is already in the midst of a depression, she’s NOT getting enough sleep, eating well feels as difficult as crossing the Atlantic, exercise requires getting out of bed, meditating means staunching the flow of tears long enough to hear the silence. And oils? I will THROW YOUR OILS AT YOU if you suggest them when I’m already depressed.

There is one thing though. ONE thing that helps, and I share it in case it’ll help you too.

It’s to make myself to do ONE THING. It doesn’t cure it, by any means, but it’s not meant to. It’s meant to remind me that I have permission to get out of my head, even for five minutes. It’s meant to remind me that I can still do the thing, even in the depths of darkness. It’s meant to remind me that if I can do one thing today, I can do one thing tomorrow. It’s meant to remind me that if I can do one thing, I’ll eventually be able to do two, or four, or ten. It’s meant to remind me that I will not always be depressed.

And make no mistake, some days I have to absolutely force it, even if it’s something I ordinarily love.

This week week, I:

Took a bath

Drew a picture

Took Tegan out to the park to practice volleyball

Painted my nails

Walked on my treadmill

Read a new book

Started a new show on Netflix

Wore a new ring I bought myself for my birthday

Some days, I have to do my one thing through tears. And some days, my one thing IS tears. Some days my one thing is letting myself cry the tears that I try so hard to keep at bay.

Some days my one thing is a nap.

It doesn’t take the depression away, this much is true. But it tampers it, it smooths the edges, it gives me the confidence to know that yes, yes, I will beat this again. And when I’m feeling better I’ll get back on track with my eating and sleeping and all that other important stuff. Absolutely. But for now I’ll just do one thing.

One thing. And that’ll be enough.