At the time of this writing, all four of my kids (ages almost 11, up to 21) all have their own phones. It’s honestly not something I think about all that often. It’s 2019 – full disclosure: I just typed 2018, and then caught myself. I could hear 21 year old’s voice, who has the best memory of anyone I know, in my head. “Mom. It’s 2019 now.” He corrected me just yesterday. But given that’s it’s only the 4th, I’m giving myself a little grace on this one. 

 Anyway.

It’s 2019, and people generally have their own phones. I view their phones like I view most things pertaining to the kids: Something to be aware of and something to keep the lines of communication open about… not something to freak out about.

This morning I saw a list of phone rules being passed around (and praised) on Facebook, and as is typical, my perspective is a little bit – or in this case, a lot – different than the author’s.

The rules were taken from a Facebook post by Bart King, and adapted from the original set of rules by a mom named Janell Hoffman. What follows is excerpts from the original rules, followed by my response to each one. It stands to be said: I don’t disagree with every single point… just enough to make me take a major pause. Also, as my standard disclaimer: This post is about ideas, concepts, and philosophies, NOT about any one single mom. (I don’t know her. She could very well be lovely.)

1. It is my phone. I bought it. I pay for it.

I bought it for you, and now it is yours. Just like your room, your clothes, and the rest of your belongings. Your phone belongs to you.

2. I will always know the password.

The only time I will ask for your password is in case of emergency and/or during a matter of safety. It’s your phone, not mine. (See point 1)

3. If it rings, answer it. It is a phone. Say hello, use your manners. Do not ever ignore a phone call if the screen reads “Mom” or “Dad”. Not ever.

If it rings, see who’s calling. If it’s someone you want to talk to, answer it. You’re never obligated to talk to someone if you don’t want to talk (that goes for when you’re an adult as well!) Having said that, parents worry. If we text or call to check in, please take the two seconds to respond.

4. Hand the phone to one of your parents promptly at 7:30pm every school night & every weekend night at 9:00pm. It will be shut off for the night and turned on again at 7:30am.

Sometimes some of the best conversations happen after hours! Just know your friends, and their own personal boundaries for texting/phone calls. Respect them.

5. It does not go to school with you.

Having never sent my kids to school, I don’t know what the common practice is. Are phones usually allowed at school? If not, leave it home. If so, use common sense.

6. If it falls into the toilet, smashes on the ground, or vanishes into thin air, you are responsible for the replacement costs or repairs. 

Accidents happen, to all of us. If something happens to your phone, we’ll work together on the best solution, the same way we would if it was a phone belonging to myself or your father.

7. Do not use this technology to lie, fool, or deceive another human being.

Absolutely. Don’t do those things off-line either. Show basic respect and kindness to your fellow humans.

8-9. Do not text, email, or say anything through this device you would not say in person.

A good thing to remember in general. People get a certain bravado behind a screen, which isn’t necessarily a good thing. Always be yourself, whether you’re on your phone, on the internet, or in person.

10. No porn. 

Children shouldn’t be looking at porn in any form, anywhere.

11. Turn it off, silence it, put it away in public.

I think this one comes down to respect and common sense. Yes, it’s always a good idea to silence your phone in public. It’s always a good idea to pay attention to the person you’re with, rather than the people on your phone. But the world is not black and white. You might want your phone to take pictures. You might want to Google something. You might get an urgent text. So no, I won’t tell you to NEVER use your phone in public. Use common sense. Show respect.

12. Do not send or receive pictures of your private parts or anyone else’s private parts.

Those pictures last forever, and no, they’re not a good idea.

13. Don’t take a zillion pictures and videos.

If it makes you happy, by all means take lots of pictures and videos! I treasure the pictures and videos of my kids, my friends, and my adventures, and I love that I have a camera ready in my pocket at all times.

14. Leave your phone home sometimes and feel safe and secure in that decision. It is not alive or an extension of you. Learn to live without it.

You don’t have to leave your phone home. But know that if you do go somewhere with cell service, you will be just fine! You’re a smart, capable, well-rounded person whose life is enhanced by a phone, not enabled by it.

15. Download music that is new or classic or different than the millions of your peers that listen to the same exact stuff.

Download music that you like, whatever that may be.

16. Play a game with words or puzzles or brain teasers every now and then.

I mean, yeah, sure? But only if you like games with words or puzzles or brain teasers. Otherwise, play what you do like.

17. Keep your eyes up. See the world happening around you. Stare out a window. Listen to the birds. Take a walk. Talk to a stranger. Wonder without googling.

This is all great advice. But it’s not mutually exclusive to owning, using, or enjoying a phone as well.

18. You will mess up. I will take away your phone. We will sit down and talk about it.

Yes, you’ll mess up. You’re human. Yes, we’ll sit down and talk about it. Yes, we’ll come up with solutions together. I will only take your phone if it’s a matter of safety or respect, for yourself or others.

A phone is a tool like anything else. It’s a super cool one too! Who would have thought we’d all be carrying around miniature computers everywhere we go? Like most things we live and work and play with on a daily basis, its safe use begs self-respect and a healthy dose of common sense….. not long lists of arbitrary rules.