Your Teens Are Normal

“Have you been reading about what’s going on between India and Pakistan right now?” That came from my 14 year old last night, sparking a little light dinner conversation.

I have loved my kids fiercely at every age, but I really think the teen years are my favorite. The above is one of the reasons why. They’re just so cool, able to discuss grown up things, and allowing us to interact with them on a whole new level.

But oh how people stress out about having teenagers! They worry about it, they even dread it. And then when their teens go through perfectly normal stages of development, parents through up their hands in frustration, and say, “See?! Teens are impossible!”

But they’re not. They’re humans, going through an incredible stage of growth, and certain… peculiarities… are part and parcel of the process.

Here are just a few (totally normal!) things you might experience as your kids adjust to teendom.

Hibernation.  This is the first thing that really threw me for loop with #1 (who’s now 22). He slept ALL THE TIME, and I felt like I never saw him any more. At one point, I remember wondering if I should take him to the doctor. But when #2 came around (now 18), and started doing the same thing, I went, “Oooooh, I remember this!” and I relaxed into the inevitable. Hibernating and cocooning are real. They may sleep a lot. They may spend all their waking hours in their room. They may pull away a little. You might forget what they look like. You may just get a grunt here and there when they wander to the kitchen to make themselves a sandwich (And while I’m on the subject of food, a ridiculously huge appetite? Also totally normal for growing teens.) This is normal and healthy. Don’t take it personally! Stay connected as much as you can (I remember a very long phase of bringing #2 cookies and other treats while he played at his computer), but otherwise give them space. They WILL emerge, and they will emerge all the better for you having respected their needs at this critical time.

Unpredictable moods. So here’s the thing. Being a teen is hard. You’re being flooded with hormones, your body is changing, everything feels like an emergency, and the world expects you to be an adult one minute, but treats you like a child the next. It’s enough to make even the most tender hearted a little salty from time to time. It’s not about you. Let me say it again. It’s not about you. And if things escalate to the point of your teen being cruel or disrespectful, it is of course appropriate to set a boundary, (ie: “I’m not going to let you talk to me that way”) just as you would with a spouse or a friend. But this is a time for a whole lot of grace and understanding, not defensiveness. Being a teen is hard.

Unpredictable behavior. Teens have one foot in adulthood, and one foot still firmly entrenched in childhood. And the way society treats them tends to be pretty abhorrent. Grow up! Get a job! Do something useful with your life! AND You’re just a kid! Sit down! No one cares what you think! So which is it? Burgeoning adult, or innocent child? The fact is, teens are BOTH, and parents who are paying attention know that either one may show its face at any time. Your dinner time teen might be making mature conversation about current affairs…. or he may be making a pyramid out of his peas. It’s normal, it’s okay, and while it may give you whiplash from time to time, it’s not something to freak out about. Meet them where they’re at, and don’t try to force them to be something they’re not quite ready for.

Can parenting teens be frustrating sometimes, maddening even? Sure. Just like parenting 3 year olds and 7 year olds, and just about any other big transition age. But it’s also rewarding, and heartwarming, and a hell of a lot of fun. Getting to hang out with my teens and watch as they mature into young adults has honestly been one of the best parts of being a parent. It requires patience, sometimes a lot of it (“Seriously, how much longer is he going to be holed up in his room”), but it is so very worth it. A little grace and a lot of understanding goes a long way. And the benefit? A great relationship with some of the coolest and most interesting people you’ll ever have the pleasure of knowing.

Teens are awesome, and don’t believe anyone who tells you otherwise.

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1 Comment

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One Response to Your Teens Are Normal

  1. Angell

    Jen, I could seriously hug you right now. This is exactly what’s been worrying my mama heart for awhile now. In fact I was recently praying to God about it because it was just overwhelming me. And truth be told, it’s my own fears. My oldest is turning 14 this month. Next fall we start technically high school…although we unschool. Fear of college, the future and all that has over taken me.

    I NEEDED to hear this! THANK YOU!!

    Is laziness normal? I know teens just don’t want to do stuff they don’t want to do…I don’t either. Mine just really looks for the absolutely easiest way out of everything and it causes everyone else work. It’s maddening (quick example: takes dog out, but doesn’t want to clean up dog’s #2 (we live in an apartment and will be fined $350 if we leave it there!!) so he pulls him back in so he doesn’t go #2. He rather him do it inside so it’s easier to pick up and flush down the toilet. But then when the dog does go on the floor, he’ll find a reason for someone else to pick it up). Just stuff like that. He’ll immediately have to go to the bathroom…for an hour…if he knows we might need his help. I do the gentle parenting thing but don’t know how to respond to this situation. I also was lazy as a teen and now I’m hardworking so who knows lol!!

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