When we first moved to Arizona, I was befriended by someone in a homeschool group when our boys hit it off. She invited me to church, they invited us to dinner, we went to each other’s birthday parties.
But we’re not friends anymore.
When Tegan was in gymnastics, I was befriended by another mom when our girls hit it off. She invited us for a playdate, we went to each other’s birthday parties, we did yoga together.
But we’re not friends anymore.
When we went to our first homeschooling conference, I was befriended by another mom when our boys hit it off. (Sensing a pattern yet?) We became very good friends. We got tattooed together, we got pierced together, we flew across the country to visit each other.
But we’re not friends anymore.
Repeat, ad infinitum.
To say it’s all left me a little gun-shy is an understatement. I don’t make friends easily as it is, it takes me forever to open up, and I’m constantly afraid of getting hurt. And let’s just be real for a minute here. Making friends with other moms is HARD. Join any sport or lesson or class, and there’s that one group that already knows one another, that may or may not be receptive to outsiders. There’s that one person who (though you know intellectually it is not the case) appears to have it all together, and therefore feels way too intimidating to approach. Then there are the ones like me ….. the other outsiders, the ones that sit so quietly on the sidelines that it takes an act of God to work up the nerve to strike a conversation, let alone a friendship.
And it’s a weird and almost backwards way to make friends when you think about it. You may literally have nothing in common with these people other than the fact that your kids have something in common. But how else do you make friends when you’re a mom? By and large, for better or worse, you make friends through your kids.
And it’s scary out there. Especially when, like me, you’re in constant fear that you’re going to f*ck it up.
Tegan (11 at the time of this writing), has been in theater for 3, 4? years, and I am just now getting around to make friends with some of the other moms. She’s so proud of me too:
“Look at you, making mom friends!!”
If she only knew how hard it was. My one true extrovert, she’s never met a stranger, and she doesn’t know the fear of a friendship ending. But I watch her and I learn something. I learn to be more open, I learn to let my guard down a little bit, I learn to let myself be vulnerable, I learn to let myself speak.
Even if it means another crash and burn.
And so, finally, I’ve made a few local friends (I’m super, super good at making long-distance friends, but in person friends is a whole new realm of terror). Does it make me happy? Yes. Does it scare me shitless? Yes.
But here’s the thing. Life is hard. And relationships are incredibly hard. Especially when they basically start off as relationship by proxy because your kids are in some sort of activity together.
There’s an art to making mom friends that I just don’t naturally have. Sometimes I feel like it takes a Herculean effort just to appear like a normal human. (Am I making the right face? Did I say the wrong thing? Do they think I’m stuck up? AM I MAKING THE RIGHT FACE?) But just because it’s harder for me doesn’t mean it’s impossible for me. Just because I struggle with it, doesn’t mean it’ll never happen. I’m learning. God knows I’m a slow study, but I’m learning.
Because if I’ve learned nothing else, I’ve learned that if I’m willing to put in that effort – effort, by the way, sometimes just means saying, “How are you?” instead of smiling and eye contact – it’s really, really worth it.
Even when it’s scary.
I feel you, girl. Trying to break into the Mom-Friend gang is harder than getting initiated into a legitimate gang.
I am always puzzled as to why it is so difficult to make friends with other mothers. Humans are tribal creatures; it would make sense for fellow mothers to form tight bonds. It was easy for me to make friends until I became a mother, yet now it’s like pulling teeth to get together and maintain a friendship. I don’t know if it’s because each family is such an isolated, busy unit that it makes connection difficult, or if mothers are just too exhausted to give more energy to a new relationship.
It makes me sad though because so many mothers are deeply lonely and want friends, but we’re all kind of stuck on our individual islands.
You think making Mom friends is hard, try it without the kids. As an adult newcomer to our community I knew next to nobody for the first decade. My life was away from the community as I finished graduate school. But now here I am, trying to live it. And slowly pulling together a couple of friendships out of slight acquaintances and little in common except being neighbors. I find it hard to let people in and so I have to work at it, the last time I did this she up and died from breast cancer. I think adult friends are hard, in all shapes and sizes, so I applaud your courage in continuing to try. We should all continue to try.