The other day, I was doing an exercise DVD. I prefer to get my exercise by walking or hiking outside, but that’s ill-advised when it’s 114 degrees out. So anyway, I’d dusted off this old HiiT workout I had, and started noticing something that bugged me. Our fearless leader in spandex kept talking about “zapping” problem areas. Let’s get rid of that muffin top, the saddle bags, the fat in front for your arm pits. It suddenly occurred to me to wonder, “Wait. Who am I zapping them for?” I’ll get back to that.

I’ve gained weight recently. A lot of it in fact. Mostly a side effect of a medication (Important note: you never know why someone’s gained or lost weight), I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still getting comfortable in my new skin.

I wasn’t always overweight. At various times in my adult life I’ve been underweight, an “ideal weight”, and carrying a few extra pounds. Here’s a fun fact: people can be just as cruel to those who are underweight as they are to those who are overweight. Because for some god-forsaken reason, people at large think they get to have an opinion on what our bodies look like. Spoiler alert: they don’t.

It’s summertime, so my news feed is inundated with ads for this program or that workout, this potion or that diet. Get the six-pack! Get bikini ready! Get sexy arms! Get a lifted butt! It’s like we collectively can’t handle fat, can’t handle variations in the ideal body type. Whoever decides what’s ideal, anyway?

We’re told things like, “no pain, no gain,” or “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.” (What kind of a messed up message is this?) We’re told to work out more and diet harder so our clothes fit nicer, so we feel sexier, so we look better. Why does skinnier = better? Why are we so afraid of variations in body size? People are meant to be different sizes.

Believe it or not, my lack of a six-pack does not affect you. Nor does it mean I’m unhealthy, nor does it mean I don’t try hard enough.

In the past, I have starved myself – STARVED myself – into a size two. According to the world, I was “healthy”. But I’d never been more unhealthy. I’d never hated my body more. And make no mistake, for me to lose weight now, at a size 12, it requires the same thing: starvation. Starvation and obsessive exercise. For the time being at least, this is the size my body wants to be. Whether society says it’s okay or not, this is me.

But there has to be something in the middle right? Something between starving yourself, and leading a sedentary, unhealthy lifestyle? YES! Yes, there is. One can remain active without feeling the need for the six pack, one can eat a variety of nutrient dense foods without feeling the need to berate themselves for eating a bowl of ice cream. One can feel good about themselves without feeling the need to force themselves into a size 2.

I see a very odd phenomenon within diet and fitness groups when it comes to food. The all-out obsession with the points and the calories and the fat. People patting themselves on the back for resisting the cookie or the donut or the piece of pizza. I can’t help but wonder what the end game is. Do they think they’ll get extra points at the end of their life for turning down that piece of birthday cake? Orthorexia is real (look it up).

You may call it weak, but I call it living a happy life. If I want a cookie, I’ll eat a damn cookie. Cookies are not “bad.” Hate and war are bad. A cookie is just a cookie.

I think we’ve collectively lost sight of what we’re doing here. Collectively lost sight of the fact that bodies (healthy bodies, at that!) come in all shapes and sizes, and that it’s not our place to comment on them, ever. That eating and exercising are personal, and that decisions about such can only be made by the owner of said body. That the way someone carries herself or dresses herself is up to her, not up to society at large. That if we find fault in someone else’s body, that is an US problem, not a them problem.

We have to stop with the assumptions and the snap judgments. We have to stop with the mindset of having to “fix” everyone.

An overweight person can still run a marathon. An overweight person can still climb to the top of that mountain. An overweight person can still be strong and sexy and beautiful, and shame on us for creating a culture where that very fact is accepted as false.

Let’s change the narrative. Let’s focus on beauty at all sizes. Let’s focus on eating foods and including movement that makes us feel good. Let’s focus on health for health’s sake, not for fitting into a certain size or achieving a certain aesthetic.

Let’s remember that we are not our bodies. We are souls. Our bodies just give those souls somewhere to hang out. And that’s a beautiful thing, whether you’re a size 2 or a size 20.