I’ve been writing this blog for over a decade now. Fifteen years if memory serves. In the past fifteen years, I have most definitely felt the judgment of people who vocally disagree with my choices. People are uncomfortable with attachment parenting, with extended (regular-length) breastfeeding, with breastfeeding in public, with homeschooling, with the way my kids have dressed or eaten or looked or breathed. People are uncomfortable with ME too, with my personality, or my beliefs, or my writing style … or, again, with the way I look (people can be mean on the internet.)

And yes, absolutely, there is a difference between politely disagreeing and being a d*ck about it. There is a difference between constructive criticism, and being mean just for the sake of being mean. The thing is, when you’re already worn down, when you already feel like the world is against you, it’s truly hard to differentiate. It all just feels like criticism, and not the constructive kind.

So I absolutely understand the feeling of being “shamed.” The good news is that as time went on, as I became more confident in my choices, it eventually didn’t sting quite as much. Don’t get me wrong… it still gets to me sometimes when people are cruel about it, but it doesn’t weigh me down the way it used to. Still, I understand the frustration and the isolation that comes from everybody judging your choices.

Which is why I’d have a hard time being a celebrity.

I did a quick Google search about mom shaming before I started writing this, and up popped dozens of articles about celebrities who’ve been harshly criticized and lambasted by the public. Everything from what foods they let their kids eat, to how long they let their hair grow, to how they dressed, to breastfeeding too long, to breastfeeding not long enough, to bottle-feeding, to kissing their kids on the lips, for daring to have a social life, to drinking a glass of wine, to working, to not working. The list is ridiculously long and endless. Some are scolded for publicly sharing their kids’ faces, while others are questioned about why they don’t share their kids’ faces. They are truly damned if they do, damned if they don’t. Which, if they’re like me, and sensitive to that kind of thing, must be exhausting.

I hear you. I see you.

But.

… And I’m truly and honestly trying to say this as gently and honestly and kindly as I can …

There are some things that just can’t be lumped into the “mom shaming” category. Some things, that like it or not, we need to swallow our pride about and just… listen. Safety is one of them. People get defensive and angry and prickly when their car seat errors are pointed out to them, but it’s science. Not shaming. There is a correct way to secure your child’s car seat into the car, and your child into the seat. (And yes, rear-facing is always the safest position for your infant, regardless of what height and weight they’ve reached) Similarly, people get defensive and angry and prickly when their baby wearing errors are pointed out to them, but it’s science. Not shaming. When Tegan was an infant, I used a sling for the first time, and had no idea what I was doing. I watched videos, read instructions, and asked other moms. If someone had approached me and told me the way I was wearing her was unsafe, would I have been embarrassed? Yup. Would I have been grateful and made the change? Yup.

But the thing that people get the most defensive and angry and prickly about? Spanking. And spanking, too, is a matter of safety, and a matter of science. Spanking harms children. My speaking out about spanking is not about shaming. It’s not about wanting to make people feel bad. It’s about genuine concern for children, for their safety, for their well-being, and for their right to be raised without violence. It’s about alternatives that people may not know exist. It’s about a kinder way to interact with our children. It’s about changing the script, flipping the narrative, and turning our backs on the “way things have always been done.” It’s about knowing better and doing better.

Have I gotten a lot of hate for speaking out about spanking? Yes. Is it worth it if one or two people have stopped spanking because of something they’ve learned from me? YES. A thousand times, yes.

So much of what we call mom shaming is just unfortunate noise. We really do have a wide range of – equally valid! – choices when it comes to parenting, and they’re all to be respected. Those who are quick to point out the perceived flaws in others’ choices are likely just unhappy with their own. And if I’ve contributed to that noise, whether in person or on this blog, know that I am sorry, and that I will try to do better.

But speaking out for children, for their rights, and for their safety? It’s just not the same thing as shaming, and is not something I’ll apologize for.