Tegan is a freshly minted 12 year old at the time of this writing. She loves her friends, her hedgehog and Stranger Things. She’s a singer and an actor and a story teller. She’s super into skin care, loves experimenting with makeup, and carries her ionic hairbrush everywhere she goes. Things like dating are not even on her radar.

But let me back up a little bit.

Yesterday a really lovely lifestyle blogger shared a picture of her little girl and her husband. Her absolutely precious daughter was wearing a set of pajamas that read, “Sorry boys, Daddy says no dating.” I generally get bored reading comments that number in the hundreds, but 99% of what I did read said the same things: “So cute!” “Adorable!” “So funny!” Always the odd man out, I didn’t find it cute or adorable OR funny. In fact, I find it kind of… gross.

The toddlers that these pajamas are made for are not going to be thinking of dating for several years. Let’s just start there. These are children, and to sexualize them in this way is creepy.

But that’s actually not my biggest problem.

Our children are not our property. Full stop. Shirts like this, as well as the common trope of dad scaring off the boys with a shotgun, suggest otherwise. My daughter’s future dating life, as well as her body, belong to her, not to her father. We might find it cute and funny to joke about dad and his shotgun, or about his beating the boys off with a stick, or otherwise intimidating anyone who dares come to the door. But it’s not cute. It’s controlling, and it contributes to the overarching problem of the male patriarchy.

When Tegan eventually brings a boy* to the house, he will be welcomed, not turned away. He’ll be talked to, not interrogated. He’ll be shown respect, not intimidation. In short, he’ll be treated like every other friend they bring through the door. Friends who I’ve come to love as my own children.

Does that mean then that there wouldn’t be a conversation if she were dating someone that was toxic or otherwise unkind? Of course not. Do I think it’s super likely that she will choose someone who is toxic or otherwise unkind? Not especially. She, along with her brothers, have so far shown a remarkable maturity in being able to set boundaries for themselves, and to distance themselves from unhealthy relationships. They possess a friend-picker that is far more refined than any I had at their ages.

Does that I mean I don’t think there will ever be problems? No. Will there be bumps, and hiccups, and missteps, and heartbreaks? Yes. Communication is paramount, and we’ll navigate the world of dating like everything else: as partners, not adversaries. I want my kids to be able to be open with me, about anything. Using controlling stances and scare tactics pretty much closes that door. Dating is just another chapter in the parenting playbook, one that we’ll figure out with time, patience, and mutual respect.

And it will never, ever involve threats of being met at the door with a shotgun.

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* I used the word boy because at this point in time, it appears to be the most likely. But a girl would be equally accepted. 🙂