COVID-19, 17 days later

*Warning: What follows is nothing more than a stream-of-consciousness, vomiting of words. It has no point other than to get some thoughts out of my head and onto the computer.*

Seventeen days ago (it was just 17 days!), I wrote about the Coronavirus. Don’t panic, I said. Let’s take a deep breath, I said. Let’s keep it in perspective, I said. While those things might very well still be valid, we are living in a very different world now, JUST OVER TWO WEEKS LATER.

Cases are rising. Rapidly. Schools are closed. Bars and restaurants are closed. Gyms are closed. Libraries are closed. Many retail establishments are closed. Events are cancelled. More and more states are implementing a state-wide “stay in place” order. People are being urged to cancel play dates, gatherings with friends, trips to the park, and to otherwise practice “social distancing.” We are living in a different world. Whether you agree with the restrictions or not, life is different now, and while this time will eventually end, none of us are coming out of it unchanged.

I’ll be honest. I’m about as big an introvert as they come, and at first the idea of self-imposed isolation sounded lovely. I get to stay home ALL THE TIME! I don’t have to see people! I can wear pajamas all day!

That elation was, however, short-lived.

This is surreal. I feel suspended in this state somewhere between reality and I-don’t-know-what. I’m scattered. I’m anxious. I’m depressed. (Note to those who read my Rock Bottom post: I’m okay. I’m safe. I’m just….. this is just unlike anything I’ve ever lived through before.)

I’m finding myself sort of wandering through my house, not knowing what to do with myself. I’m working my way through my current – and second to last! – college class, but I’m lucky if I can concentrate for 10 minutes at a time. I have books to read and projects to do, but for real, who can concentrate right now?? Even television, one of my favorite things, requires a certain level of attentiveness that I just don’t possess at the present time.

Mike is now working from home, which is weird in and of itself. It was one of the things that made this finally click into “real” for me. He was sent home under the edict of working from home “until further notice.” Not for two weeks, not for six weeks, just… indefinitely.

Paxton (19 at the time of this writing) is still working outside the house (which gives me its own sense of panic), because his job is considered essential. Tegan (12), our sole extrovert, is going absolutely stir crazy, and the other two boys seem to be handling all of this okay.

But none of this feels real. I feel like I can’t state that enough.

I think the hardest part, for me, is just the high level of uncertainty. There is just so much UNCERTAINTY. We, as a people, tend to like to be in control, and this is very much the exact opposite of being in control. We don’t know how long we’ll be isolated. We don’t know when the economy is going to get back to normal. We don’t know if we – or our loved ones – are going to get sick. We don’t know if the stores are going to be stocked. Some of us don’t know where our next paycheck is coming from. Some of us don’t know where our next meal is coming from.

I’m worried about my loved ones who are high-risk.

I’m worried about what this is going to mean for the economy.

I’m worried about the folks for whom this is a hardship, financial or otherwise.

I’m worried about the mental health of, well, everyone.

I’m just… worried.

And I get it. Some people say, “It’s not like there’s anything you can do about it. Why worry?” Yes. Sure. But that doesn’t change the uncertainty. That doesn’t change the anxiety. That doesn’t change the very real feelings of being out-of-control.

And so, I’m going to do my best to do the things I can control. It might sound silly, but today I put on jeans instead of staying in pajamas because I thought it might help somehow (the jury is still out). I’m going to keep writing, and journaling, and working on my class, and hopefully – if my attention span allows – being creative. I’m going to keep my nails painted. I’m going to keep listening to good music. I’m going to talk with my kids, and eat good dinners, and drink plenty of water. I’m going to take all my meds on time, and I’m going to try to make sure I get enough sleep. I’m going to keep checking on Everett’s garden, and playing with Tegan’s hedgehog, and trying to read good books. I’m going to make self-care a priority and an imperative.

And still, I’ll worry.

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3 Comments

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3 Responses to COVID-19, 17 days later

  1. It is the human capacity to choose to act ‘normal’ (within reason) in the face of adversity that has allowed us to survive the many plagues, wars, and other horrors that have befallen our species.

    Doing your nails or putting on make-up — or whatever your normal routine is — is a small, very human way to face the adversity head on with defiance and say, “I will not go down without a fight!”

  2. T Serenity

    I’m working from home but mostly continuing my daily routine of showering and dressing as if I might go somewhere. Of course, there’s no longer morning rides writh my vanpool, there’s no self-serve coffee with vanilla creamer and hot chocolate mixed in at my favorite convenience store, there’s no seeing the smiling faces at the office. It’s definitely different, but my husband continues leaving for work in an environment where no social distancing is possible and hygiene is sub-par at best. I’m thankful we at least know for now that we’ll continue being paid and have benefits we can afford to use if we need to be seen, but my heart breaks for those without any safety net or security or resources. The ripple effects of this are going to last for many years, and I’m worried about how that new normal will look. But I’m oh so grateful for ther internet!
    It sounds like you’re doing the best you can in challenging circumstances, and that’s about all anyone can do right now.

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