And I’m not especially happy. I enjoy certain aspects of the holidays to be sure, and I’m privileged in a lot of ways. But seasonal depression gets me every year, and my baseline in December tends to be mild to moderate depression no matter what I do. I’m tired (I never sleep), and I’m stressed. I pretty much try to just keep breathing, put one foot in front of the other, and get from now till New Years in one piece.

And I know I’m not alone.

On social media we’re bombarded with the happy, happy, happy, and the glowing twinkly lights, and the magic and the music and the JOY. We’re supposed to be feeling JOY, dammit. Few people want to talk about the other side. The side where even if you’re thankful, even if you’re doing everything “right”, the holidays are just hard. Few people want to be honest about it, fearing that if they say it out loud, it would make them the Scrooge, the ungrateful one who fails to get in the holiday spirit. And I get it. I do. Every year I’m torn between strapping on my smile and faking it till I make it, or admitting that no matter how lovely it all is on the surface, it is still hard. Life is still hard.

But there’s power in admitting it. And there’s power in community. And in fact, there’s something lovely about that too. Knowing that no matter what the holiday looks like, even if it doesn’t look like a holiday at all, that this is your time, too. Knowing that someone understands. Knowing that you matter. Knowing that you’re remembered.

So if the holidays are hard for you, if you’re unhappy right now…. whether because of

lack of family

lack of support

lack of funds

illness

anxiety

depression

grief

stress…

No matter what the case may be. I see you. And I truly do wish you a gentle holiday.