Category Archives: Arizona

Eight Things and Twenty Years

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Yesterday, Mike and I celebrated 20 years of marriage.  Twenty years is a long time.  And as is often the case on these monumentous occasions, I’m finding myself doing a lot of reflecting, reminiscing, and nostalgic wallowing.  It’s funny though (funny in a happy, delightful, life-is-full-of-surprises kind of way) because none of the defining characteristics of my life right now are anything close to what I would have envisioned or hoped for twenty years ago.  In fact, in the grand tradition of the detours in life being far better than anything you might have planned, my life is in many many ways the total opposite of what I would have mistakenly chosen for myself.

Here are just eight points – of dozens – that I would never have believed if you’d showed them to me on a crystal ball on that day I said “I do” twenty years ago.

1. Living in Phoenix – I was a country girl, spending my formative years on 30 acres of animals and trees and trails.  For most of my life, I would have found the idea of living in (and driving in) one of the highest populated cities in the country TERRIFYING.   We lived in Worcester, MA for the first six years of our marriage, and I didn’t particularly enjoy it … so … Phoenix???  But that’s where we landed, and we’ve found happiness here.  Neither one of us thinks we’ll stay here forever.  We’d like to move north a little bit out of the city eventually, and I am still a country girl at heart, but we love Arizona, love the desert, love the openness, and love the life we’ve created here.  Moving to Phoenix was one of the single best and most defining decisions we’ve made for our family.

2. Being a Stay at Home Mom – Before I first got pregnant, I never wanted to be a stay-at-home mom.  It sounds strange to say that out loud, given the importance of the role it’s played in my life for the past 16 years, but I didn’t.  I never actually thought about it really… just assumed I’d have a great job that I wouldn’t want to leave, and would get right back to it after a standard-issue maternity leave.   But God had other plans for me, and I am so thankful for that! 

3. Being a yoga teacher – Yoga wasn’t on my radar as a young newlywed.  I was aware of the existence of yoga of course, but that was where it began and ended.  I never thought about yoga, was never interested in yoga, never tried yoga.  Besides, I was going to have some fancy, high fallutin’, big deal career.  When would I have time for the training?

4. HomeschoolingYeah.  Homeschoolers were, you know, weird and stuff.  I would never. 

5. Parenting – Here’s the parenting knowledge I had before I actually was a parent:  I knew that I wouldn’t be the kind of parent who would pick my kid up every time he cried.  Or “give in” to a tantrum.  Or the kind of parent that would wear my baby or sleep with my baby (these kids need to learn to be independent!)  I wouldn’t be the kind of parent that would breastfeed in public, and I most certainly wouldn’t breastfeed a child who was old enough to be walking and talking.  Yes, I knew a lot back then. 

6. Dreadlocks – And four tattoos (and counting..) and a nose ring.  Nice girls didn’t do those things.  But guess what?  I’m still a nice girl.  And I like myself a whole heck of a lot better, because I realize now that you absolutely and unequivocally cannot categorize people by their outward appearance.

7. CollegeNice girls DO finish college.  It was important to my parents, so by extension it was important to me.  But again, God had other plans for me.  My one college regret?  It’s not that I didn’t finish.  It wasn’t the right path for me.  No, my only regret when it comes to college is that I wasted as much time and money on it as I did.   I do occasionally think of going back sometimes (to further my studies of the things I realized I was passionate about after I left college) but if it’s not in my immediate future, that’s okay too.

8. Marriage itself – It’s strange.  It’s not that I didn’t think we’d be married for twenty years.  I did.  It’s just that it was through a young, naive, theoretical filter.  Almost like life was a fairy tale to be observed rather than lived.  “Of course we’ll be married in twenty years!  And life will be beautiful and lovely and we’ll all live happily ever after…”  I didn’t take into account the fact that sometimes life could be sucky and difficult.  Or that we’d go through phases when we didn’t really like each other very much.  Or that growing up and “finding yourself” whilst simultaneously being a wide-eyed, innocent, and broke (oh so broke) newlywed was hard.  Would one or both of us have bailed if we really knew what marriage meant, especially those first ten years?  I don’t know.  I hope not.

But I know this:  Twenty years in, I feel like I “get” marriage now.  Not as much as I’ll get it in another twenty years, or even another ten years.  But I get it.  It’s harder than the fairy tale, that much is true.  But my marriage, much like the rest of my unexpected and wonderful and beautiful and crazy life, is also better than the fairy tale.

So, so much better.

Here’s to the next 20 years, and whatever detours they may bring.

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Filed under about me, anniversaries, Arizona, life

Where my book begins

 

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten ~Natasha Bedingfield

So Dan of Single Dad Laughing has done it again.  Every so often, he writes something that I can relate to so deeply that it almost physically hurts.  His recent post, Whose Life is it Anyway? now tops that list.  In it, he writes about his learning to live life on his own terms, rather than for someone else.  He tells of the process of finding his own voice, and ultimately leaving a church, a marriage, and a job on his path to happiness.

I’ve never left a marriage (in fact I consider myself very blessed – and lucky – that after having married at 19 with no earthly idea of who we were, that we were able to come into our own beside each other)  But I’ve left a church.  I’ve left a job. And six years ago, I left New Hampshire.  I left New England.  I left the entire east coast.

When I look back on old pictures, even of times that were happy, I will often feel a strange disconnect.  Sometimes I even feel a profound sadness.  I don’t know that person in those photos.  She’s a person who made choices not based on what she wanted (and honestly, she wouldn’t know what she wanted even if you asked her) but based on everyone else around her.  A person whose entire life… from the colleges she went to, to what she studied, to the kind of wedding she had, to what city she lived in, to what house she lived in… was decided, at least in part, by someone else.  She lived her life in a box.   And don’t get me wrong.  It was a nice box, a lovely box.  But it was a box all the same, and it wasn’t a box of her choosing.

I’m here to tell you that you can only live in a box for so long before the walls start closing in.  Before you start gasping for breath.  Before you start suffocating.

When people ask why we moved to Phoenix, I’m often left grasping for words.  It was a big decision, and there were many factors.  It was a joint decision too, so I can’t fairly speak for my husband.   But I can say out loud for the very first time – and without hesitation – that for me, the biggest reason was clear:

I was suffocating.

I was 32 years old, and I had no idea who I was.  I’d never made a decision on my own.  I’d never stopped trying to please everyone around me.  I’d never given more than a cursory thought to what it was that I wanted, so focused I was on what my family wanted, what society wanted, what the church wanted.

I couldn’t do it anymore.

So six years ago, I started living life on my own terms (and by the way, when I say “my” terms, I mean my terms within the larger framework of God’s terms.  Which, ironically – or not – is a concept I hadn’t even begun to grasp until I’d left the church I grew up in.)   It was the start of an adventure, to be sure, and a journey that is in turns exhilarating and terrifying and exhausting and just plain awe-inspiring.  For the first time in my entire life I’m getting to know and listening to ME.  Not society’s version of me, or my parent’s version of me, or even my husband’s version of me.  Just ME, the me I was individually created to be.

And it feels so good.

One of the greatest things about it though?  Once I started being true to myself, I realized that that respect, that authenticity, that truth that I was living started spilling out into the rest of my relationships as well.  It’s made me a better wife.  It’s made me a better mother.  Which makes sense when you think about it, because how can you really give of yourself if you don’t even know who “yourself” is?  How can you expect to have an authentic relationship with anyone if you can’t first be authentic with yourself?   I have heard it said over and over that people who are hurting hurt others.  So wouldn’t the opposite be true?  That those who show love to themselves are then able to love others?

I spent three decades being partially immobilized by fear, anxiety, insecurity, and “what ifs.”  Moving across the country was the catalyst that began to change all of that.  It made me feel brave.  It made me feel like if I could do that, I could do anything.  And do anything I will!

I’m not suggesting that a 1800 mile cross-country move is the answer for everyone.  But you know what, maybe it is.  Or maybe it’s leaving that job.  Or that church.  Or that unhealthy relationship.  Maybe it’s taking that pottery class, or belly dancing lesson, or volunteering in that soup kitchen.  Maybe it’s the haircut you’ve always been too scared to get, or the tattoo you were afraid your dad would disapprove of, or the hobby your friends think is silly.

Two days ago, I sent in my enrollment paperwork for yoga teacher training, something I have been wanting to do – and putting off for various reasons – for years now.  When I woke up the next morning, I felt more excited than I’ve felt in years.  And it wasn’t just about the yoga.  I was excited about life.   I’m excited about all of it.   I’m excited about the yoga; I’m excited about new friends; I’m excited about the shiny, colorful rings that I’ll transform into lovely chain maille jewelry;  I’m excited about the mess on my head that will one day be beautiful and mature dreadlocks;  I’m excited to know that I won’t be afraid to just chop it all off if I change my mind;  I’m excited to get another tattoo;  I’m excited to get better with my camera;  I’m excited about cupcakes;  I’m excited to write and to read and to learn and to grow;  I’m excited for road trips and park days and singing loudly with my children and having drinks with my girlfriends;  I’m excited about new adventures with the kids and new experiences with my husband.

I’m excited, for the first time in my life, to be REAL.

This.  This is where my book begins.  And it. is. awesome.

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Filed under about me, adventures, Arizona, learning, life, passions, random

Arizona, Visitors, and Coming Full Circle

Every time someone hears that we used to live in New Hampshire, they ask the inevitable – and fair – question:  “What brought you to Arizona?”  And with few exceptions, my answer is a little bit different every single time.   Not because I’m unsure, but because there were just so MANY reasons, both large and small.  And what I’ve come to realize, and need to start telling people, is that the truth is really no more simple or complicated than this:  This is where our path has always been leading us… way back before there even was an “us”, way back before I painted that southwestern landscape picture in high school.  
This is just where we’re meant to be for now.  Will we stay here forever?  I don’t know.  What I do know is that as we’re approaching our sixth year, we have not even an inkling of being led to move somewhere else, a feeling that surfaced well before year number six in both Worcester, MA, and Andover, NH.  
When we moved, even though it was a positive move for us, there was some major external yuck that surrounded it.   There were strong reactions, and stronger words, and we ending up leaving with some severely hurt feelings…. and we were not alone.  It took some perspective that only time could provide, but I eventually came to see the situation from all sides.  And it just felt lousy all the way around.  I wished for a long time that I could delete it all, that I could go back and erase entire conversations, entire emails, entire periods of time.  I wished that I could forget, because I hated knowing that something that was originally so exciting for our family had gotten mired in such negativity and sadness for multiple parties.  
Fortunately, there’s sometimes truth to the cliche that states that time heals all wounds.  Time did in fact heal the wound.  The feeling of sadness about the way we parted ways with New Hampshire inevitably became replaced with feelings of happiness about our new life in Arizona.
The only reason that I am thinking of it now is that last week we saw Mike’s brother and his family for the first time since we moved here 5 1/2 years ago.  His parents have been here several times now, and his youngest brother came out two years ago, but Joe and Allison had not been here yet.   Although we’d all more-or-less kept in touch through Facebook (the blessing and curse that it is) I felt like we’d never truly “complete” with his family until we’d all actually SEEN each other again, in person, in a positive setting.   
And it really was a great visit.  Even looking from the outside you could see that.  
We went to the zoo

 Went off-roading

Went to the AZ Museum of Natural History

 Hiked in the red rocks of Sedona

Watched the newly acquainted cousins play and play 

Made cupcakes and cookies and pancakes with strawberries and whipped cream.
Went out to eat
Stayed up late and laughed.  A lot.
Beyond all of that though, it made me feel as though we’d come full circle.  It made me feel as though we’d simultaneously moved forward, and moved back…. not back to the way things were when we moved, but back before that, back before we’d even decided to move, back when things were simpler.   Back to those days a hundred years ago when we’d all hang out in Mike’s parents’ backyard on Sunday afternoons.  Only this time we all brought six more years of maturity, six more years of parenthood, six more years of perspective.  We got to watch our children meet for the very first time, and we got to catch up – for real, not in the way you catch up by reading 140 character status updates. 
We did much-needed things you just can’t do long distance, and I’m forever thankful that we got that opportunity.   It only took five and half years.

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Filed under Arizona, family, visitors

Spelunking we will go


Actually, spelunking we have gone!

On Saturday morning, we had 93 geocache finds to our credit. By the end of the day, we had over a hundred, and had logged the experience of exploring a nearly mile-long, pitch black, underground cave, created more than half a million years ago from flowing lava.

We had wanted to go to the lava tube ever since we heard about it, and thought it was a fitting way to to celebrate our 100th find. The cave was in the middle of the woods, just a short little walk from where we parked.


One minute we were in the woods, and the next we were at what looked like a big rock foundation.

The cave was cool, damp, and dark. We could smell it before we even entered… a sort of earthy, dirty smell that I actually didn’t find at all unpleasant. The climb down was slow going while carrying a 25 pound toddler, but once it leveled off I was able to wear her (and she even walked herself in some of the less rocky areas)

The darkness and stillness of the cave was not like anything I’d ever experienced. Complete and total silence that you could feel in your soul, and taste in your stomach. There were a lot of people sharing the tunnel with us that day, but when we were alone on a bend we’d shut off our headlights for a second to appreciate the blackness. I didn’t know how the kids would like that, but they kept asking for more! It took us around an hour to make it to the end, where a few members of our party explored some of the tiny crevices…




We took our time heading back, and stopped to appreciate the swirls and splashdowns created by the lava so long ago.


We were tired and sore from the trek (Hello thigh muscles, nice to feel you!!) but we all agreed it was well worth it, and is a trip we’re looking forward to repeating in the future.

And because life is about stopping to smell the roses, or in our case, stopping to spot the wildlife, I’d be remiss not to mention that we were lucky enough to see a bobcat in the wild on the way there. We pulled over, but not in time to get a picture. We did however, snap some pictures of the bulls we passed on the way out. 🙂


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Filed under adventures, Arizona, geocaching

Phoenix in April


Last week, Skip & Barbara, and Rob, Celia and little Ayla all came to visit. I posted this one picture (the rest of the weeks pics can be found here, here, here, and here) because the outdoors seemed to be the theme of the week. We spent much of the time just sitting out back – watching the kids play, chatting around the patio table, eating (always eating!), and catching up. We spent a day at the Wildlife Zoo and Aquarium, another exploring an old ghost town, and an afternoon playing at Makutu’s Island. We watched Paxton’s baseball game, celebrated at Everett’s 5th birthday party, and rocked out on Rock Band. Celia made us an authentic puerto rican meal, filled with yummy foods with fancy names that I vowed to myself I’d remember, then of course promptly forgot.

The week wasn’t without it’s snafus though. We never did get to take them geocaching or offroading. I never made my berry dessert (I hope introducing them to Jamba Juice made up for it!) We learned that the children’s museum is closed on Mondays, that Mike’s truck will overheat after too much heavy mountain driving, and that it takes a long time to get 11 people all moving in the same direction at the same time. I’d like to think we’d all agree it was worth it!

It was so good to see them all, to get to spend time with our neice who we’d previously only known through photos, and to share our little corner of the world. I only hope they all had a good time, and that their vacation was a great one.

And last but absolutely not least:

Happy, happy birthday to my beautiful five year old Everett. I loved petting all the baby goats with you last week!!!!

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Filed under Arizona, Everett, family, visitors

(More) Adventures in Geocaching


We’ve been a little too housebound. We’ve been sick with various ailments recently, and Everett was diagnosed with strep throat on Friday. On Saturday, no one wanted to hang around at home – including Everett, who felt much better after a good night’s sleep and his first two doses of antibiotics – so we headed out to do some more geocaching. Since Everett wasn’t up for hiking, we chose a series of micros that were right off the side of the road, all in row. Perfect for “park and grab” caching. At some of them, myself and one or more of the kids jumped out, and at others Mike took a turn. We did all 11 caches in the series, and enjoyed a leisurely ride through a beautiful area. When we finished with those, we did only two that were a couple hundred feet from the car…

One in a really cool wash




And one on a long (and beautful) winding mountain road, at the location of a no-longer standing General Store.



We were pretty hungry by that point, as it was well past lunchtime and we hadn’t eaten since breakfast, so we decided to call it a day and head home. We’d been on the mountain road for a long time (which is funny in retrospect, given what followed) and didn’t really want to retrace our steps. We weren’t sure if it circled around to somewhere familiar or not, but we were having fun and willing to chance it. We promised the boys we’d stop at a store – when we found one – and get them a snack. We enjoyed the scenery; passed a campground, some tiny houses and old sheds, and a whole lot of miles of nothing. We were feeling pretty good about coming out to civilization soon, and then we came across this sign:


The sign made me laugh. What else could I do? There were tears in the backseat though, which turned out to be due to a fear of being “lost in the middle of nowhere.” We reminded the crying party of the GPS, showed him the atlas with its detailed map, and told him that if all else failed we had cell phones. Mike did some quick research, and found that there was a turn-off road (that would eventually lead to the freeway) up ahead and that we would not in fact have to go the whole 60 miles. Onward we went.

It really was a beautiful area! Truly God’s country. I pray I never get blase about the beauty that is Arizona.



It was well into the afternoon by then, but we were all enjoying the drive. It was slow going of course, as some spots were extremely rocky and/or steep or narrow, but no one seemed to mind, even the hungry boys in the backseat. It was an adventure.

And then there was a sound, and a “What was that?”, and well….


Not to be deterred, the pit crew made quick work of the flat, and we were on our way again in 20 minutes.


Are you wondering if we passed any other cars? We did. In fact, two good samaritans stopped to see if we needed help while we (by “we”, I mean Mike) were changing the tire. After we were up and running, we came across one of the very same good samaritans again, when they were dealing with a flat tire of their own. We returned the favor and stopped to help. We stretched our legs, and Tegan had a snack – the only one of us who was able to eat all day…

While we were stopped, we were passed by more cars, this time coming from the opposite direction. They were bearing news, and it wasn’t encouraging. Three miles up ahead was a river that had to be crossed. A wide one, with large rocks and soft sand.

Did I mention my truck is not 4-wheel-drive?

It does have high clearance though, which played a big factor in our decision. Of the people who stopped, one thought we could make it if we took it slow and easy, and two thought we’d be foolish to even attempt it.

There were a few more brief tears. The kids, who were incredibly patient and pleasant for the entire trip despite being starving, were getting tired and were not happy with the new turn of events. But we all eventually rallied.

We had two options… not even trying, turning around where we were, and driving the many many hours back through the mountain (eventually through the dark); OR continuing on up ahead and risking either having to turn around like the others and driving the many many hours back through the mountain anyway, or even more worrisome, getting stuck!

There was really only one thing to do.

Mike took one look at the river three miles later and essentially said that it would be a piece of cake. And it was.


Until it wasn’t.


Thankfully, no one panicked when it got stuck. It took some rock rearranging, some finagling, some praying, and of course some careful driving… but it was only a matter of time before he got it un-stuck. Our hoots and hollers must have been heard clear across the mountain when we’d finally made it back on dry land. My truck, and my husband, ROCK!

There were even more tears. This time, of happiness. The last hour of the trip was perhaps the best. The sun was setting as we were finally making our way out of the mountain, and everyone agreed that it was well worth the drive.






It was 7:30 PM by the time we made it back to the highway, and our first order of business was stopping at a Walmart to get the kids their promised snacks. We got them their snacks (and some dinner too!) then we headed home, all six of us tired and happy.

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Filed under Arizona, family, geocaching

Exploring Arizona

I love Arizona. I’m especially loving Arizona today, as I listen to all my friends back east complain about the time change (Arizona doesn’t do a time change). I’m also especially loving it for the beautiful weather, again at a time when New England is still getting brutalized with snow. Perhaps my favorite thing about the state though is the diversity of the landscapes. Mountains in one direction, desert in another; forests to the north, saguaro cactuses to the south. It is the quintessential place for anyone who loves to be outside as much as we do.

This past weekend we went on another geocaching trek, this time with Mom and Dad and the whole gang. It brought us up to Camp Verde, to a little tucked-away natural playground that can best be described as looking like the surface of Mars – at least the way it looks in my mind.




Yesterday, we spent another day out caching, enjoying another part of the state. I’m so glad that after 3 1/2 years, none of us has lost our sense of wonder. This is a great place to live.

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Filed under Arizona, geocaching