Category Archives: attachment parenting

September 1, 2022 · 1:16 PM

Five Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Having Teens

My oldest became a teenager twelve years ago, and my youngest (of four) is now 14. We’ve been at this teen gig for awhile now. And while society’s common teenage refrain tends to be a negative one – “Just wait till your kids are teens!” – I am finding myself appreciating the teen years more and more as time goes on. Here are five things I wish someone had told me before I had teens.

1. It doesn’t have to be the battle everyone says it will be. This is a stereotype that needs to die… the sullen, rebellious teenager whose main mode of communication is rolling their eyes and slamming the door… the fights over friends and curfews and clothing choices… the disrespect, the backtalking, the “I hate you” phase. It doesn’t have to be that way. No, teens are not perfect (no age is perfect), but given respect and freedom and autonomy, the transition can be a relatively smooth one. I have thoroughly enjoyed and appreciated all four of my kids as teens, and I actually think it’s one of my favorite ages. Teens are cool. They’re fun, they’re smart (more on that later) they’re funny. No longer dependent on you to fix their snacks and put them in the bath and pack their sippy cups, you get to relate to them on a whole new level. It takes some patience – there’s a whole lot of growth and big changes happening all at once – but if you can navigate the teen years as their partners instead of their adversaries, it is so, so worth it. Teens are awesome.

2. It’s okay to be their friend. I have written several times about being friends with your kids (you can read two of them here and here), but I think it’s never more important than it is when they are teenagers. Your teens need a good, faithful friend. Someone they can rely on. Someone they can come to with good news and bad. Someone who will give them honest advice. Someone who will listen, unconditionally. Someone they can laugh with, play with, have conversations with. Being a teen can be hard, but you can be their soft place to fall. Same age peers sometimes come and go, but you get the privilege of being a constant, someone they can count on no matter what. I credit a lot of different factors for having a good relationship with my teens, but being their friend is near the top of the list.

3. They’re like big toddlers. I mean this in the best possible way, so hear me out. One of the things I find most endearing and fascinating about toddlers is the way they are straddling two worlds. One moment they are still your baby, and the next they are strongly asserting their big kid independence. “I do it myself!” is a refrain that’s familiar to anyone who’s ever had a toddler. They are learning about testing their own limits, and about stepping out of their comfort zone. They’re learning about how good it feels to make some decisions on their own, and test of the waters of autonomy. At the same time, they have the safety and comfort of knowing they can be back in your arms at any time, and that you’re still their protector if life gets overwhelming or scary. Teenagers are the exact same way. They’ve got one foot firmly in adulthood, while the other is still a child that sometimes needs to seek the safety and familiarity of Mom. Both are valid, and both are okay. I love seeing both of these sides of my teens, and I’ve learned to be flexible as I never know which one I’m going to get. One minute they’re making big decisions about college and jobs and who to vote for in the upcoming election, and the next they’re letting us hold their hand while they cry. I am here for all of it.

4. There will be times they are smarter than you. There’s a stereotype that says that teens think they “know everything.” And while nobody knows everything, today’s teens are smart! I’ve learned that I sometimes need to humble myself enough to defer to them, and to recognize that sometimes they know more than I do. Whether it’s current events, how to handle a complicated social situation, or the ins and outs of that fancy new app, I am constantly learning from my teens. It would be counter productive and disengenuous to assume that I always know best just because I’m older. Kids, especially teens, know so much more than they’re given credit for. It is a pleasure and a privilege to be able to learn both with them and from them.

5. It will hurt when they move out. Two years ago, our then-20-year-old decided to move out and get his own place with a couple of friends. A year later he got married. And yes, we’d raised him to be confident and independent. He was ready. We were ready. But… it hurt. I wish someone had warned me how much it would take my breath away when he moved out. That as happy as I’d be for him, that a part of me would also have to mourn and grieve. While you’ll always be mom and dad, the dynamic changes completely once they’re out on their own. They’re working, they’re doing their own shopping and their own laundry, they’re making their own plans, they’re seeking their own healthcare. You’ve given them their wings, and your role as their parents is more different than it’s ever been. I am so thankful for the close relationship that we still have, one that has transitioned from a child and caregiver role, to one that’s respectful of his new independent adult life. I’m glad he still comes home, I’m glad he still texts us with news, I’m glad he still enjoys accompanying us out to eat and to ball games and to escape rooms. But the parenting landscape completely changes once they move out, and once you’re done grieving you have to be flexible enough to change with it.

Having and raising teens is one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever done. I’m more proud of my teens (and young adults!) than I’ve ever been of anything in my entire life. Parenting teens is not always easy, but very few things in life are. Some days are hard. But is it worth it? To check your ego at the door, and accept and respect your teens for all their complicated, constantly growing and changing perfectly imperfect glory? Yes. Yes. A million times, yes.

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Filed under attachment parenting, gentle parenting, mindful parenting, parenting, teens

February 10, 2022 · 2:10 PM

When I Won’t Mind My Own Business

Yesterday, I posted this meme on my Facebook page. I think it’s important to make the dangers of spanking an ongoing discussion, so I never hesitate to share resources when I come across them.

The very first comment said this: (*edited for grammar and punctuation.)

Stop trying to tell parents what to do with their children. If they’re not being abused you need to mind your own business.

Now, it stands to be said that this meme was not aimed at that woman, or at any one person in particular. It was about the concept of spanking. If you read a meme like that, and feel defensive or angry, I’d gently suggest that you examine why. If you’re confident that your own choices are correct, why would it bother you? You don’t know me, you don’t know the meme author… what does it matter what we think?

Beyond that though, there are some fundamental flaws in this argument. First, no one is telling anyone what do to do. The meme is sharing information. What you choose to do, or not do, with that information is up to you.

Second, and far more important, is this idea of “minding your own business.” There are many, many facets of parenting in which we should mind our own business, to be sure. It’s none of my business whether you work or stay home, or how you choose to educate, or what kind of religion you practice, or how your kids dress, or what they eat, or where they sleep or whether or not you breastfeed. If they are safe and cared for, you are absolutely correct. It’s none of my business.

Here’s the thing though. Spanking is not a parenting issue. It’s a human rights issue, and we should ALL make it our business to care about human rights issues. Children have the right to be safe from harm in their own home. They have the right to bodily autonomy. They have the right to expect kind and gentle and loving discipline that does not include laying of hands on their body. Hitting should never, ever be conflated with love. There’s a reason why it’s called assault to hit another adult. Physically assaulting another person is wrong (especially when that person is young, small, and/or defenseless), and we know this.

We know this.

And I can’t help but think that people wouldn’t get so defensive about it if deep down they didn’t know it was true.

Mistreatment of marginizalized members of society (and children are about as marginalized as they come) is something that we should all care about. It’s something that we should ALL make our business. Children can’t speak for themselves, so someone has to do it for them. Spanking is harmful, and people need to know about it. And to be perfectly blunt about it, I don’t care if you don’t think it’s my business.

When we learn of fellow human beings being harmed? It’s always our business.

I’m Not Afraid To Be A Kind Mom

I just saw an article come through my Facebook newsfeed with the title, “I’m Not Afraid To Be A ‘Mean Mom’, Because I Don’t Want To Raise A**holes.” Now, you might very well be thinking, “Haven’t you written about this before?” Yes, yes I have. “Do you really need to write about it again?” Yes, I really do. “Every time?” Yes, every time. Here’s why: the official parenting party line continues to celebrate meanness. It pats itself on the back over the fallacy that harshness begets well-behaved children (whatever “well-behaved” means.) It prides itself on “being the parent, not the friend.” And every time – Every. Time. – that message is put out into the world, it deserves to have a counterpoint. It deserves to have another voice, a voice that chooses kindness over meanness, connection over control, compassion over shame. Quite simply, people need to know, deserve to know, that there is another way… a kinder, gentler, more respectful way… to raise kids.

The article in question really just makes three main points, but they all need to be addressed. Dismantling what we believe and why we believe it is important, and it pushes us to be better parents. It’s easy to follow the status quo and be mean to our kids, but if we want a good relationship with our kids… if we want kids who are confident and capable and compassionate… if we want kids who are in turn kind to their kids… we need to do better.

1) Being mean is necessary. The author mentions several times that being mean is simply par for the course, an inevitable part of being a good mom. Sometimes it’s just a responsibility that one must accept if they’re to be a parent.

But being mean is not necessary. Let me start there. Much ado is made of the fact that in order for kids to learn to pick up after themselves, to help around the house, or to take care of basic hygiene, that there needs to be meanness on the part of the parent. According to this mom, being mean is necessary to prevent her kids from becoming Neanderthals, or “feral heathens.” Four kids and 23 years tells me otherwise. Children, like all people, respond best when they’re treated with kindness and respect, when they’re given genuine choice and control over their lives, and when they’re treated like people. Far too often, parents feel that children need to be trained as if they are dogs. But they are fellow humans, and they deserve to be treated as such.

As for chores and helping out around the house, there seems to be an either/or mentality that states that either mom needs to rule with an iron fist to get anyone to do what she asks, OR mom needs to be a martyr, gets walked all over, and does everything herself. But there’s a happy third option in which we work in partnership with our kids, a place where there’s mutual respect, a place where we can ask instead of demand. If you had a roommate who had a persistent habit of leaving his dirty socks on the couch, would you be mean to him in order to solve the problem? No. You’d have a respectful conversation. Shouldn’t our children, these young people still figuring out how the world works, be given the same consideration? At the time of this writing, my second oldest is 19. He recently started working a full-time job, and has to wear a uniform shirt. I do laundry on Friday, and I told him I’d be happy to wash any shirts that he’s put in the hamper. But he needs them done more often than that, so he runs his own load mid-week, without my ever having had to be mean about it. (He also sets his own alarm, gets himself showered, and gets to work on time, despite my never having been mean about any of that either)

2) Her kids are pretty perpetually mad at her. She says her kids are pissed off at her “on the regular,” and that there is whining and complaining and crying. Color me confused. For real. Is there any other relationship in your life where pissing people off is your barometer for success? If you were constantly pissing your friends off, or your spouse, or your co-workers, you would (one would hope) think about why it’s occurring and what adjustments need to be made. Why, if it’s your kids, would it suddenly be something to pat yourself on the back about? If your kids are constantly mad at you, something is wrong. Yes, we’re all human. Yes, people get mad sometimes. But if you’re deliberately causing anger, that’s something that needs to be addressed. It is not a sign of good parenting, and it’s certainly not a sign of a good relationship.

I look at it this way: Sometimes, as parents, we’re going to have to make decisions that will make our kids angry, especially when it comes to matters of safety. (I’m thinking of the toddler that REALLY wants to stick the paper clip in the electrical outlet.) Sometimes, because of their own personal issues, our kids are going to be angry at us through no fault of our own. Maybe they’re angry about something else, and we’re the safe ones to dump their feelings on. Maybe life’s unfair and they’re angry at everyone and anything. (We’ve all been there) Maybe their hormones are going crazy, and the fallout just happens to head in our direction. Both of those things are okay, and are even inevitable at some point in time. But constantly treating our kids in a way that makes them angry? It’s not kind, and it’s not something to celebrate.

And finally,

3) I’M THE PARENT, NOT THE FRIEND. True story: I was telling my kids about this blog post while we were eating dinner, and one of my teens said, “Why why why why WHY do people think that being parents and friends are mutually exclusive?” Indeed.

I’ve written about this before as well. Not only do I think it’s possible, but I think it’s hugely important to be both parents and friends with your kids. Parents are protectors. They raise, they guide, they nurture, they provide care. And friends? Real, true friends? Friends have your back. They’re your confidantes. They listen when you need to talk. They give honest advice. They make you laugh. They’re your shoulder when you need to cry. They call you out on your poor choices. They are your biggest cheerleaders, and your soft place to fall. They’re the ones who stand on a wall and say, “Nobody’s going to hurt you. Not on my watch.” Why on earth would anyone not want to be that person for their kids? For me, my friendship and my parenting with my kids is so intertwined, I could never separate the two. And I wouldn’t want to! In fact, my kids are some of my very best friends, and exactly the kind of people I choose to have in my life. They are kind, they are considerate, they are funny, they are intelligent. They inspire me to be a better person. If I took some sort of moral stance against being their friend, I would truly be missing out on one of the very best parts of parenting. Yes, I’m my children’s friend, and make no apologies for it.

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My kids aren’t perfect, and Lord knows I’m not perfect either. We’re all just humans, doing our best, navigating this human thing together. But this much I know: if I always try to lead with love, kindness, gentleness, and respect, I’m headed in the right direction.

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Filed under attachment parenting, gentle parenting, mindful parenting, parenting, Uncategorized

January 16, 2020 · 2:01 PM

To All The Moms Who’ve Felt “Mom Shamed”

I’ve been writing this blog for over a decade now. Fifteen years if memory serves. In the past fifteen years, I have most definitely felt the judgment of people who vocally disagree with my choices. People are uncomfortable with attachment parenting, with extended (regular-length) breastfeeding, with breastfeeding in public, with homeschooling, with the way my kids have dressed or eaten or looked or breathed. People are uncomfortable with ME too, with my personality, or my beliefs, or my writing style … or, again, with the way I look (people can be mean on the internet.)

And yes, absolutely, there is a difference between politely disagreeing and being a d*ck about it. There is a difference between constructive criticism, and being mean just for the sake of being mean. The thing is, when you’re already worn down, when you already feel like the world is against you, it’s truly hard to differentiate. It all just feels like criticism, and not the constructive kind.

So I absolutely understand the feeling of being “shamed.” The good news is that as time went on, as I became more confident in my choices, it eventually didn’t sting quite as much. Don’t get me wrong… it still gets to me sometimes when people are cruel about it, but it doesn’t weigh me down the way it used to. Still, I understand the frustration and the isolation that comes from everybody judging your choices.

Which is why I’d have a hard time being a celebrity.

I did a quick Google search about mom shaming before I started writing this, and up popped dozens of articles about celebrities who’ve been harshly criticized and lambasted by the public. Everything from what foods they let their kids eat, to how long they let their hair grow, to how they dressed, to breastfeeding too long, to breastfeeding not long enough, to bottle-feeding, to kissing their kids on the lips, for daring to have a social life, to drinking a glass of wine, to working, to not working. The list is ridiculously long and endless. Some are scolded for publicly sharing their kids’ faces, while others are questioned about why they don’t share their kids’ faces. They are truly damned if they do, damned if they don’t. Which, if they’re like me, and sensitive to that kind of thing, must be exhausting.

I hear you. I see you.

But.

… And I’m truly and honestly trying to say this as gently and honestly and kindly as I can …

There are some things that just can’t be lumped into the “mom shaming” category. Some things, that like it or not, we need to swallow our pride about and just… listen. Safety is one of them. People get defensive and angry and prickly when their car seat errors are pointed out to them, but it’s science. Not shaming. There is a correct way to secure your child’s car seat into the car, and your child into the seat. (And yes, rear-facing is always the safest position for your infant, regardless of what height and weight they’ve reached) Similarly, people get defensive and angry and prickly when their baby wearing errors are pointed out to them, but it’s science. Not shaming. When Tegan was an infant, I used a sling for the first time, and had no idea what I was doing. I watched videos, read instructions, and asked other moms. If someone had approached me and told me the way I was wearing her was unsafe, would I have been embarrassed? Yup. Would I have been grateful and made the change? Yup.

But the thing that people get the most defensive and angry and prickly about? Spanking. And spanking, too, is a matter of safety, and a matter of science. Spanking harms children. My speaking out about spanking is not about shaming. It’s not about wanting to make people feel bad. It’s about genuine concern for children, for their safety, for their well-being, and for their right to be raised without violence. It’s about alternatives that people may not know exist. It’s about a kinder way to interact with our children. It’s about changing the script, flipping the narrative, and turning our backs on the “way things have always been done.” It’s about knowing better and doing better.

Have I gotten a lot of hate for speaking out about spanking? Yes. Is it worth it if one or two people have stopped spanking because of something they’ve learned from me? YES. A thousand times, yes.

So much of what we call mom shaming is just unfortunate noise. We really do have a wide range of – equally valid! – choices when it comes to parenting, and they’re all to be respected. Those who are quick to point out the perceived flaws in others’ choices are likely just unhappy with their own. And if I’ve contributed to that noise, whether in person or on this blog, know that I am sorry, and that I will try to do better.

But speaking out for children, for their rights, and for their safety? It’s just not the same thing as shaming, and is not something I’ll apologize for.

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Filed under attachment parenting, mindful parenting, parenting, spanking, Uncategorized

November 30, 2016 · 12:22 PM

Co-Sleeping: The Things That No One Tells You

teganteddybear

We never planned to co-sleep with our kids. Like unschooling, and baby-wearing, and regular-length (what the world likes to call “extended”) breastfeeding, the idea all came later… once we were face to face with this first little human we were lucky enough to get to call our son. Spencer – who, though it surely defies all rules of time and space, is 19 at the time of this writing – had a beautiful crib in his beautifully decorated nursery. It was great for holding stuffed animals, and I think he might have taken a nap or two in there, but yeah, it was otherwise never used.

In hindsight, there were many reasons that we brought him to bed with us, but the biggest one was that it simply didn’t make sense for him to be anywhere else. He spent nine months in my womb, completely connected, warm, safe, feeling my heart beat… only to be born to sleep in a dark room all by himself? It was illogical. Plus, in those early days when I was still breastfeeding multiple times a night, what could possibly be an easier and gentler way (on the both of us) than just turning over on my side, and quietly nursing him back to sleep?

Three more kids, and nearly twenty years later, and we have shared our bed more often than not… sometimes with one kid, sometimes with two. It was one of the best parenting decisions we never knew we’d choose to make.

These are just a few of the things we learned in the trenches:

1. They’re bed hogs. No, really. A tiny, 8 pound baby can position itself in such a way that it takes up the space of a thousand Great Danes. And a toddler? Forget it. You get half an inch of mattress space, if you’re lucky. I don’t know how it happens. Nighttime falls and they turn into little Houdinis.

2. If you get up to use the bathroom, all bets are off and you’ll lose your spot. And since you never want to wake a sleeping baby… you cram yourself into a teeny tiny ball and hope for the best.

3. You’ll get peed on. And pooped on. And occasionally, unfortunately, puked on. Everyone who’s ever co-slept knows the feeling of waking up to something… wet… followed by that moment of confusion and apprehension as you wake up enough to determine what variety of wetness you’re dealing with. Is it going to be a “get everyone up and strip the kid and strip the whole bed catastrophe” or a “change a quick diaper and PJ bottoms, throw down a towel, and wait till daylight to deal with it little leak?”

4. You’ll get physically injured. Squirmy sleeping babies and toddlers are quite adept at throwing elbows in your eyes, and feet in your groin, and fists at your boobs. Sometimes you get throat punched. It’s a fun way to wake up.

5. You won’t just share the bed with your child. You’ll share your bed with your child plus their whole entourage, which may include: stuffed animals, matchbox cars, baby dolls, Cheerios, and the pine cone that they picked up on your last nature walk.

6. They’ll come back. None of my kids made an abrupt transition to their own beds. They’d choose to try their own beds for awhile, then came back to ours. Then they’d try their own again, maybe for a longer time period this time … and then come back to ours. All our boys (12, 16, 19), have of course been sleeping on their own for a very long time now, but a period of boomerang behavior is expected and commonplace when you’re letting them move at their own pace.

7. You’ll get criticism if you share. And QUESTIONS. Oh dear Lord, so very many questions. Aren’t you afraid you’ll roll over onto them?** How do you keep them from falling out of the bed? Don’t you worry they’ll never leave? How will they learn to fall asleep without you? And my personal favorite: When/where do you ever have sex if you’re sharing a bed with your child??

And finally,

8. When it’s actually over, when they’ve officially chosen their own bed over yours… you’ll remember the sweetness of their little bodies snuggled up against you; the smell of their hair in the middle of the night; their warm hand wrapped around your back; the deep, even, and contented sound of their breathing; the feeling of genuine connection and peace and love; the joy of holding them close to your heart; the pure bliss of letting them be your babies, for just a little while longer.

And you’ll deeply, and genuinely, and profoundly miss it… black eyes and mystery wet spots and all.

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**Interested in co-sleeping? Always make sure you do it safely!**

Don’t try sleeping with a young infant in something like a recliner.
Always use a bed with a firm mattress, one that’s plenty big enough for the both of you.
Avoid pillows, fluffy comforters, stuffed animals, etc around young babies
Never, ever sleep beside your baby when you are under the influence of any drugs or alcohol.
Put your baby on the side of a bed pushed up against the wall. Or, use a bed rail. OR, invest in a sidecar sleeper that abuts to your bed. Fill in any gaps with a rolled up blanket.
In our house, we always did either wall, bed rail, or co-sleeper (at different points in our journey), then baby, then mom, then dad. As they got older they graduated to sleeping in between us… usually positioned like a starfish, in order to take up the maximum amount of space as possible. 🙂

Happy snuggling!

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July 18, 2012 · 5:00 AM

Gentle Goodnight – Interview and Giveaway

I recently had the chance to read the book, Gentle Goodnight, a lovely little book (only 60 pages, so you can read it in one sitting) outlining the author’s method of nursing and dancing her babies gently to sleep. I wanted to share it with all of you, because it’s something I would have loved to have read when I was a new mom, still figuring it all out! No sleep training here….. just a loving, conscientious way to help your babies and toddlers get peacefully to sleep. The book’s author, Lyssa Armenta, was kind enough to answer some questions for me. She’s also giving away TWO copies of her book, so keep reading to find out how to enter.

1. Parents like to hear from other parents. How long have you been a mother / how many kids do you personally have, and what are their ages?

I have been a mother for 12 years now. My oldest son is Sterling who is 12, my daughter Samantha is 9 and my youngest son Spencer will be 5 next month.

2. Tell us a little bit about what prompted you to write this book?

I wanted to share the Dancing Method I had been using almost non-stop since becoming a mom to get my own kids down for nap and bedtime. Gentle Goodnight can be used into toddlerhood if you are still nursing. My oldest was 2 and a half when he stopped, and my daughter and youngest son were both 3 and a half when we stopped. I felt I had a duty to not let this gentle sleep method stop with my kids. Every time I put them down and saw how peaceful they were, I was convinced it would help other new moms. My kids were each so different that I learned more tricks and things to include so I felt I was perfecting the Dancing Method with each one of them. To me, parenting is so much trial and error, and I felt I should share the finished product. This way, new moms do not need to make the errors and this will hopefully make their lives a little easier. Being a new mom is so overwhelming. I felt so vulnerable with my first that I thought any method that gives them more confidence or helps them out in any way has to be a good thing.

3. How is your book different from other books about sleep that are on the market?

This method meets your babies where they are at before nap or bedtime in terms of how awake and active they are, and then matches their energy level to be able to slowly bring it down to fall asleep. Every nap or bedtime can be different (activity-wise or mood-wise) and the songs can all be adjusted to start where your baby is at with the dancing intensity, volume, beat or rhythm…to get them to first start to relax and finally to sleep. This method also provides the benefits of exercise for mom. Most moms have no energy or time for exercise but this is multitasking at its best: getting your baby to sleep, losing a few baby weight pounds, and the exercise is also stress-relieving for both of you. It is not strenuous enough to effect milk supply, yet it is considered weight bearing exercise with the baby as the weight. This book doesn’t suggest things to try. Instead, it gives you detailed instructions on how to prepare, how to do the Dancing Method, how to put the baby down, and things to take into consideration that could be keeping the baby awake. Gentle Goodnight provides ways to overcome obstacles by giving many modifications you can make to meet the needs of your own unique little one. The last thing I want to mention is that this sleep method can be done anywhere, as long as you have a little music. From visits with friends or family to vacations, you will have confidence that your baby will still be able to enjoy his familiar routine of getting to sleep. This eliminates anxiety for mom and baby to be able to enjoy any outing.

4. Some parents who see the phrase, “A proven sleep method” worry that this is just another controlling, “sleep-training” book, and/or that it employs some hidden crying-it-out. How would you respond to those concerns?

It is a proven, loving, gentle sleep method that has been personally tested over 6000 times with a 99.99% success rate. I say that with confidence because I know this method works, but of course you can not say it will work for every baby. No sleep method will work work for every baby. In the beginning of the book I have a Note From The Author saying that the book was specifically written for nursing, co-sleeping mothers for the purpose of not wasting anyone’s time or money. I am trying to get the book in the hands of trusted sources such as Dr. Sears (who has a quote on the book’s cover) and The Path Less Taken who are publicly known to be against cry-it-out and controlled crying. This way they can share with their fans or readers who trust them already when they say that the book contains no cry-it-out or controlled crying. I am honestly trying to give moms an alternative, fun, quick, easy method to try to get their babies to sleep. I understand the suspicions and I am willing to try to gain trust one mom at a time to help one baby at a time find a peaceful, gentle way to catch some zzzzzzzzzz’s.

5. If you could give just one piece of advice to brand-new parents, what would it be?

Do whatever you can so that when your kids are grown and you think back that you have as little regret as possible in the way you raised them! I love the quote: “I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, I’m telling you it’s going to be worth it.”

You can read more about Lyssa and her book, as well as purchase a copy, at the Gentle Goodnight website.

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~~Giveaway!~~

~~Lyssa is giving away two copies of her book (this is a soft-cover book, not an e-book) to two readers who will be selected at random. There are four chances to win.~~

~~1. Leave a comment on this post, letting us know why you’d like to win the book~~

~~2. Like the Gentle Goodnight Facebook page.~~

~~3. Share the link to this post on Facebook~~

~~4. Share the link to this post on Twitter~~

~~Please leave ONE comment telling me which ones you’ve done. You’ll receive one entry for each method. Be sure to leave your email address so we can contact you if you win!~~

~~Good luck, and thank you Lyssa!~~

This giveaway has now been closed. Thanks for all who participated! The winners are:

Lydia, and

Maria Wong

Congratulations! Please send me a message with your mailing address so I can get it to Lyssa, and she can send out your books!

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Filed under attachment parenting, book reviews, gentle parenting, giveaways

July 4, 2012 · 6:00 AM

Is it Okay to Let Your Child Cry?

It was the first day of a new session of swimming lessons, and the girl next to my smiling daughter was screaming. Not just crying, but screaming. She was petrified, literally shaking from head to toe, calling out for her mother in between gasps. When her mother approached her, I at first thought she was there to do what I would have done: scoop her daughter up, hold her close, and tell her that she didn’t have to get in the water. But what she did instead was clamp her hand over the girl’s mouth to muffle her cries. She said something to her that I couldn’t make out, then went back to her chair on the deck. The girl finished the class, screaming with the same intensity the entire time.

This happened two weeks ago, and I’ve thought of it frequently since. And while it would be easy and convenient for me to blame the mother, the fact is it’s only partly her fault. Her child’s whole life she’s likely been told – by everyone from pediatricians to the media to well-meaning friends and relatives – that it’s important for her baby to separate, that she shouldn’t be so dependent, that she needs to be strong, that letting her cry would ultimately be good for her.

That mom has been lied to.

We’ve all been lied to.

Have you ever heard someone say (or perhaps you’ve said it yourself) “Oh, it broke my heart to hear her cry, but…” or “I hated listening to his screams, but…” and then go on to tell you why it was so important that the swim class be completed, or that day camp be attended, or that dental cleaning be performed? We have those gut feelings for a reason. They’re there to tell us to listen. As parents, we are biologically designed to respond to our children’s cries, not ignore them. It doesn’t feel right to hear our children cry and not attend to them, because it’s not. Yet somewhere along the way, someone decided that we should ignore our intuition, and ignore their cries. And society bought it. It’s the only way I can explain the fact that when I shared the story of the little girl in swim class, that while everyone agreed that the hand clamped over the mouth was not a nice thing to do, many didn’t seem to have an issue with a child screaming her way through the duration of the class.

“She’ll get used to it.”

“It’s a safety issue. Learning to swim is important”

“Lots of kids cry in the beginning.”

That’s society talking. And society lies. ‘

Will she get used to it? Maybe, maybe not. But is taking that chance really worth the damage it’s doing to your relationship with your child, who now knows you won’t always be there when she cries?

Is it a safety issue; must she really learn to swim? If she’s going to be around pools, of course. But there are other classes. Other teachers. Other methods. There is the simple option of waiting a couple of months to try again (a couple of months can make a huge difference in the readiness level of a toddler!) There is the option of helping her learn yourself, in her own time, in her own way.

Do lots of kids cry in the beginning? Sadly, yes… something I can surely attest to after watching 4+ weeks of classes now. But it doesn’t have to be that way. It happens because too many people have been conditioned to listen to a falsehood, to ignore their intuition, and to ignore their child’s cries.

What children need – what all of us need – is connection. Compassion. To feel like we are heard. We do not need to be separated from our parents, the people who love us most, from the moment we are born. We do not need to be banished to another room, forced to cry-it-out, “trained” to sleep through the night, ignored when we call for help. To do so is to go against our very nature as caring, nurturing adults. We are meant to respond to our children’s cries, not ignore them… whether they’re crying because they’re lonely, sad, hungry, or scared. Whether they’re crying because they’re not ready for swim lessons, unsure about the dentist chair, not wanting to get their hair brushed, or suddenly fearful of their car seat.

But wait, wait, you’re thinking, isn’t it inconvenient to find a different swim class? To brainstorm with the dentist, or to go to another one? To get creative, or adjust your standards, when it comes to tangles? To take the time to let your child regain his comfort in the car seat, even if it means staying at home for awhile? Is it really that big a deal? Yes, it really is that big a deal. Your child is that big a deal. Your relationship with your child is that big a deal. And you know what? Sometimes taking the time to listen to your child’s cries and coming up with a respectful solution is inconvenient. But no one ever said parenting was supposed to be convenient. And to be really blunt about it, what’s more important: your relationship with your child, or convenience? It’s not a matter of “picking your battles” either. You and your child are partners. You’re on the same team. Parenting should not be a battle.

Lastly, to get back to that title: Is is ever okay to let your child cry? Of course. Just like their adult counterparts, sometimes children need to cry. They’ll cry out of anger, sadness, frustration, and disappointment. Fear, exhaustion, pain, and overwhelm. Sometimes our job as parents is to just be there, to listen, to hold them if they want to be held, and to let them cry if they need to cry.

To make sure they know – beyond any shadow of a doubt – that their needs are real and that we, as their parents, will respect them.

This post was written as part of a joint project called Listen To Our Babies, Heal Our Nation. Be sure to visit our website to read more contributions from dozens of bloggers, parents, professionals, and concerned citizens.

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Filed under attachment parenting, gentle parenting, mindful parenting, parenting

July 2, 2012 · 6:00 AM

Early in the Morning

One of my very favorite times of day is early in the morning, sometime between 4:00 and 5:00 AM. That’s around the time that Tegan usually wakes up and makes her way into our bed, to sleep for a few more hours snuggled between us. Like her three brothers before her, she slept exclusively in our bed as a baby and toddler, and it’s only been recently that she’s started choosing to start the night in her own bed. As I think most any cosleeping parent would tell you, it’s a bittersweet milestone to be sure.

But we still have our mornings.

I always wake up as soon as she’s out of her bed… partly because of mother’s intuition, but mostly because she’s so dang loud. How a tiny 40 pound girl can make herself sound like a herd of elephants just coming down a hallway is beyond me, but she does. Every time. Once into our room, she almost flies onto our bed as if possessing super powers, and nestles herself in between her father and I. If we’re sleeping too close together, she simply burrows her way in. Not an eighth of a second after she lands, she’s asleep once again.

As our fourth and final child (our “caboose” as one of my friends likes to say), her fading babyhood is all the more poignant. At four, she is so busy, so active, so big… but in those early morning hours, she’s still my baby. And as I lay there in the dark, waiting for sleep to come again and loving her so fiercely it almost hurts, I drink it all in: the soft, rhythmic sound of her breathing; the faint scent of coconut in her tousled curls; the warmth of the little hand she’s wrapped around my back.

In those moments, nothing else matters but me and my baby.

I am home.

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Filed under attachment parenting, parenting, Tegan

June 21, 2012 · 6:00 AM

Listen to Our Babies; Heal Our Nation

Listen to Our Babies, Heal Our Nation: Bloggers Unite to Humanize Babies

July 1-8, 2012

The US has some of the highest rates of depression, anxiety, cancer, and other diseases in the world. Every year our government puts billions of dollars into funding programs that attempt to address these issues. The efforts are consistently ineffective. We are the leaders of the free world and we must remain healthy to stay that way.

There is a cost-free, efficient, and fulfilling way to heal our nation. This simple change requires no permission, program, or rhetoric, and it can start with you, today. By listening to our babies and accepting that their needs must be met, we can reduce disease and promote healthy members of society.

If you are skeptical, we understand. So for one week in July, a group of knowledgeable and respected bloggers are coming together to share how listening to our babies can heal our nation.

We invite you to join us in learning how to raise healthier children. We do not promise it will be easy- at times it will be difficult to hear what is being said. The United States of America has never shied away from the difficult, though. Instead, we choose to do the right things “not because they are easy, but because they are hard.” (John F. Kennedy)

“Listen To Our Babies, Heal Our Nation” agrees that meeting the needs of our babies is the most patriotic thing we can do for our country.

Will you join us?

How you can participate: We are looking for submissions of all sorts; blog posts, artwork, vlogs, videos, original movie clips- anything that shares why or how you came to believe that we must listen to our babies.

Everyone: Have you always wanted to share your thoughts, but never had a venue to do it? E-mail submissions to: healournation@ourmuddyboots.com

Sponsors: Opportunities available. Please e-mail healournation@ourmuddyboots.com for more information.

Experts: Have something interesting to chat about pertaining to understanding and listening to our babies? Host a live chat on a Facebook page. E- mail: healournation@ourmuddyboots.com

Bloggers: Publicize this event; share it on your Facebook page and Twitter;

Post this Press Release as an entry on your own blog.

Submit something previously written or create something fresh.

Listen to Our Babies, Heal Our Nation: Bloggers Unite to Humanize Babies

Organized by: The Badass Breastfeeder, Our Muddy Boots, The Path Less Taken, Little Hearts Books, The Single Crunch, and Zen Parenting

Parenting a Two Year Old

Thanks to Meegs of A New Day for today’s guest post!

Parenting is an ever evolving process. No one would claim that parenting your newborn is the same as parenting your infant is the same as parenting your toddler and beyond. Every parenting style changes, but I think that if you consider yourself an AP parent, then you are especially in-tuned to your need to evolve.

My personal parenting style has definitely had to change a lot since Gwen turned 2 years old, and the biggest change has had to be to my expectations. I always knew 2 would be rough – I’ve worked with kids before, and I’ve heard the horror stories – but it is so very different when it’s your own, and I didn’t expect it to be so tough for me. I consider myself a pretty patient individual, and its not that I thought I would be immune to the ups and downs of toddlerhood, but its always a bit of a surprise watching your basically sweet baby have her first toddler meltdown.

Gwen has so much she wants to say, so much she wants to do (on her own, of course: “I DO IT!”), and heaven help the person who gets in her way. I haven’t gotten to pick out her clothes in AGES, but now sometimes she gives me such a hard time about even the little tweaks to make her outfits weather-appropriate. Foods she loves she sometimes decides she
hates. She’ll have a complete breakdown if you tell her there are no more of [whatever snack is the magic snack that she decides she must have today]. She wants to open/close every door, and put on her own diaper, and pee on the toilet but only if she feels like it and not if she doesn’t and sometimes for 20 more minutes even though she did the actual peeing as soon as she sat down and…

The ages of 2 – 3 (and 12, 17, 20) are “straddling” ages. My little girl is caught between the toddlerhood she is shedding, and the childhood that lays beyond. From what I’ve heard, the dawning of that childhood (4 – 5) is pretty magical and wonderful. But this coming of age part… well, i know its as hard for her as it is for me. She wants to be able to tell me everything, but sometimes she just can’t find the words… or I can’t understand them. She wants to be able to do everything, but she’s not quite big enough to reach, or strong enough to carry, or…

And Mama has her good days and bad days too. Some days I can read her, feel the frustration building, and head it off at the pass. I can weather any anger and yelling with a calm determination, “I see you are angry. You take a minute and let me know when you are ready to try
again. We can do it together.” Other days she catches me off guard with every outburst and and I’m left wondering what happened. Some days it’s all I can do to grit through my teeth, “Enough. We Don’t Hit.” Some days I want to push the fast forward button up to 16x.
BUT she is also bright, and happy, and loving… grabbing your face to kiss both cheeks and your forehead. I don’t want to fast forward that part, and I hope she doesn’t grow out of it!

Here’s what I’m working on to have more of the calm days and less of the frustrated ones.

1) Age realistic expectations. At two, she is only emotionally able to handle so much. She’s still learning what appropriate reactions are and how her actions cause reactions. And you learn by trial and error.

2) Expectations that match with what I want for Gwen in the future. A friend once told me about a very trying morning with her spirited, energetic, intelligent daughter. She delivered her to daycare and asked the teacher, “How do I raise a daughter who is strong,
determined, independent, comfortable with her feelings and voices her
opinions, but who also listens and always does what I ask her to?!” The answer, of course, is that you don’t! But a few tiffs now, as we figure all this out together, is well worth it to foster the independence and determination that will serve her so well in the future.

3) Name the emotion, for both of our sakes! When Gwen is frustrated or sad, I say as much… “I see you are frustrated/mad/upset because of xyz…” I do it to help her figure out her emotions, but I do it to remind myself of them as well. Do I love crying because she wants something she can’t have? Nope. But I do know what its like to be overly tired after a long day and have something be extremely frustrating and almost too much to bare. Naming her emotion helps me put myself in her shoes.

4) Evaluate if I really need to distract/dissuade/say no. Gentle/AP parenting is not (contrary to what some media might have you believe) permissive parenting in the negative sense. But at the suggestion of a smart mama, I started looking at the why I didn’t want Gwen to do certain things. Is it because of a safety reason? Then stay the course! Is it because it will be a little messy and I don’t want to clean up? Hmm, there are times this is valid, but many when it’s not a great reason.

5) Teach respect by modeling respect. Gwen is an equal member of this family. Yes, her dad and I have the life experience, and as her parents we will ask her to defer to our judgement many a time. However, she deserves our respect as fully as we deserve hers. So we listen when she talks, we say excuse me and thank you and please, and we try to give our reasons/explain our actions when we do need her to defer to us. “Because I said so,” or “because I’m the mom,” are not explanations.

Here’s the thing, and I’m sure this will shock no one… I’m not perfect. Not by a long shot. I do get overly frustrated, slip up and yell sometimes. That can be a learning time for us both though too, because when I catch myself, I excuse myself to calm down, then come back and apologize. No one is perfect, including this Mama, and I want my girl to know that. People make mistakes, and the fact that we can apologize, hug, and still love each other afterwards, just as much as we did before, well… I think that’s one of the best lessons I can give us all. Hopefully it is the one that will keep her coming to me when she makes her own mistakes.

When all is said and done, that’s what I want. A daughter who respects and loves me as much as I respect and love her (and treats others with respect as an extention), who talks to me and tells me the bad as readily as the good, who is kind-hearted and strong willed.

Two is tough, but the lifetime ahead of us is promising.
***

Meegs is an easy-going girl that loves tattoos, food, and the outdoors; but most especially her husband and daughter. She’s passionate about being greener, co-existing peacefully with animals/the environment, and LGBTQ rights. In her free time, she loves to read, go for long walks, cheer for the Eagles and the Flyers, cook, and spend time with her family and friends. A breastfeeding, babywearing, sometimes bedsharing mama, Meegs finds her online home at A New Day.

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